Reboot Nation Forum > Partners of Rebooters and Addicts

I consider this cheating... anyone agree?

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Cinderella:
My husband has been doing this for over 20 years and of course lies about it, minimizes, says he quit (at least 50 times) etc.  but as far as I’m concerned, this is cheating, especially since he doesn’t have sex with me anymore. He doesn’t see it that way. Anyone else feel this way? I’d like to hear from the rebooter’s perspective as well. Thanks.

MosesY:
I am a male, age 52, divorced. I was first introduced to porn at age 13. I did not realize it for years but I was addicted to the dopamine rush. I am Christian so I tried to resist it but no luck. Once high speed internet came I was seriously addicted. It really affected my marriage, distancing me from my wife because of feelings of guilt. Lack of communication, no hugging, a hardened heart, etc. Addiction to porn affects your relationship with everyone, not just your wife. It has been 57 days now since I have looked at porn and I have only looked at a little bit twice in the last 6 months. I used to look at porn for several hours every day. I am not addicted any more but still will struggle with occasionally. So far as your question goes yes I do consider it cheating. Any sexual outlet besides sex with your partner is cheating. I suggest meeting with a third party such as a therapist or pastor to discuss this with your husband with a monitor present to make things fair. It will also tend to be more of a discussion rather than a fight. An addiction to porn can be overcome and eventually will greatly improve your marriage.

Gracie:
Yes, I agree with you it is cheating.   My husband used for a number of years close to same as your yours.   It was very difficult.  We went through this 8 years ago.  It took a lot of talking to get through.  Reading: Love You Hate the Porn helped immensely.  Also markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com was a tremendous help. There is information for the wife as well as the husband.  It does not allow excuses for husband behavior.  A lot of help there.   
Addicts come up with all sorts of excuses for using (she put on weight, she isn’t available, she had surgery, she had cancer, she doesn’t like sex etc.). The book and blog do not support excuses.  Do not let him blame you.  But I want you to know you can make it through!

joepanic:
Some interesting points made here.   so an addict should not  use excuses  for using  and I agree with this.  I suppose  an addict is just that  "an addict"  and addiction is a sickness  that needs to be cured   just like heroin  or  alcohol   perhaps when the medical field  and the "system in general" as we call it in Canada recognizes that   the fight to cure addicts will become easier.  As for is it cheating  well I guess that depends on a partners point of view also.  Is it cheating when you have an open relationship and outside partners are allowed in?  In my case  my wife knew I surfed  porn  and couldnt have cared less.  She knows I dont do it anymore  for my own reasons.  so in my case no I dont believe it was cheating

    Post often it helps me it helps you

Gracie:
The OP said it felt it was cheating.  20 years he used.  Sex life went to zilch.  Yet he used imagery to satisfy himself, while not being intimate with her.  When someone or multiple someone’s fill your head while ignoring your spouse sexually yep it’s cheating.

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