Author Topic: I consider this cheating... anyone agree? (Read 3217 times)

Cinderella · « **on:** March 29, 2020, 01:37:54 AM »

My husband has been doing this for over 20 years and of course lies about it, minimizes, says he quit (at least 50 times) etc. but as far as I’m concerned, this is cheating, especially since he doesn’t have sex with me anymore. He doesn’t see it that way. Anyone else feel this way? I’d like to hear from the rebooter’s perspective as well. Thanks.

MosesY · « **Reply #1 on:** March 29, 2020, 02:48:29 AM »

I am a male, age 52, divorced. I was first introduced to porn at age 13. I did not realize it for years but I was addicted to the dopamine rush. I am Christian so I tried to resist it but no luck. Once high speed internet came I was seriously addicted. It really affected my marriage, distancing me from my wife because of feelings of guilt. Lack of communication, no hugging, a hardened heart, etc. Addiction to porn affects your relationship with everyone, not just your wife. It has been 57 days now since I have looked at porn and I have only looked at a little bit twice in the last 6 months. I used to look at porn for several hours every day. I am not addicted any more but still will struggle with occasionally. So far as your question goes yes I do consider it cheating. Any sexual outlet besides sex with your partner is cheating. I suggest meeting with a third party such as a therapist or pastor to discuss this with your husband with a monitor present to make things fair. It will also tend to be more of a discussion rather than a fight. An addiction to porn can be overcome and eventually will greatly improve your marriage.

Gracie · « **Reply #2 on:** March 29, 2020, 12:02:41 PM »

Yes, I agree with you it is cheating. My husband used for a number of years close to same as your yours. It was very difficult. We went through this 8 years ago. It took a lot of talking to get through. Reading: Love You Hate the Porn helped immensely. Also markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com was a tremendous help. There is information for the wife as well as the husband. It does not allow excuses for husband behavior. A lot of help there.
Addicts come up with all sorts of excuses for using (she put on weight, she isn’t available, she had surgery, she had cancer, she doesn’t like sex etc.). The book and blog do not support excuses. Do not let him blame you. But I want you to know you can make it through!

joepanic · « **Reply #3 on:** March 29, 2020, 05:06:24 PM »

Some interesting points made here. so an addict should not use excuses for using and I agree with this. I suppose an addict is just that "an addict" and addiction is a sickness that needs to be cured just like heroin or alcohol perhaps when the medical field and the "system in general" as we call it in Canada recognizes that the fight to cure addicts will become easier. As for is it cheating well I guess that depends on a partners point of view also. Is it cheating when you have an open relationship and outside partners are allowed in? In my case my wife knew I surfed porn and couldnt have cared less. She knows I dont do it anymore for my own reasons. so in my case no I dont believe it was cheating

Post often it helps me it helps you

Gracie · « **Reply #4 on:** March 30, 2020, 02:48:16 PM »

The OP said it felt it was cheating. 20 years he used. Sex life went to zilch. Yet he used imagery to satisfy himself, while not being intimate with her. When someone or multiple someone’s fill your head while ignoring your spouse sexually yep it’s cheating.

joepanic · « **Reply #5 on:** March 30, 2020, 04:41:06 PM »

IN her case it was definatly cheating in mine it was not our sex life continued on If we did not do it it was because my wiofe might not have been up to it I respected that It was def not a reason I went running to pmo My spouse was never ignored

cheers

Post often it helps me it helps you

coachj · « **Reply #6 on:** March 30, 2020, 07:27:43 PM »

Its Cheating because the sexual energies belong to your spouse! That's one part of a person that is not to be shared.

brokensoul · « **Reply #7 on:** April 03, 2020, 10:41:28 PM »

It is cheating! He's having sex with whatever is on the screen. He doesn't have sex with you because he's having sex with virtual reality. Yes it's cheating, and slickening.

Me · « **Reply #8 on:** April 11, 2020, 01:59:45 AM »

It's most definitely cheating.

Also read a sentence earlier which I think is quite pertinent.
"If you're married to a liar, your marriage is a lie"

Fellow partner, 4 years post d-day

aquarius25 · « **Reply #9 on:** April 28, 2020, 03:06:06 PM »

I personally think any time a partner experiences sexual gratification purposefully without the other partners consent or knowledge it is cheating. Having one spouse purposefully lie, cover tracks, and withhold information (usually knowing the other spouse wouldn't be comfortable with it) and experiencing sexual gratification is basically the definition of cheating.

joepanic · « **Reply #10 on:** April 28, 2020, 04:40:05 PM »

And if a spouse knew they surfed it and didnt care was it still cheating?

Post often it helps me it helps you

aquarius25 · « **Reply #11 on:** April 28, 2020, 04:49:01 PM »

Jo, my personal opinion (and this might not be a popular one) is that if a spouse knew and was fine with it then no. To me the "cheating" is because of the dishonesty and lie. If the spouse is fine with it then I don't perceive it as cheating. Every couple has their own story. I assume if you are here than you have your reasons why you need to reboot and are experiencing addiction. Now I will add (again this is just my perspective) if the spouse says later that actually it makes them uncomfortable and the other spouse decided that they will stop viewing porn and then continues to view then it has become cheating because again, it's the lie that is the trust breaker. That is what kills the relationship. Both partners need to feel safe and that they can trust their partners. If not the relationship will have problems.

Me · « **Reply #12 on:** May 02, 2020, 02:37:29 AM »

I agree with aquarius, if its out in the open and everyone is cool with it, its not cheating. If its hidden cos you know the other person would be hurt by it, or has said they aren't ok with it, then its cheating. But also if you do it openly and try and guilt and coerce them to be ok with it, when you know damn well they aren't, that is also cheating (i.e telling them other wives don't care etc)

Kimba · « **Reply #13 on:** May 14, 2020, 07:12:23 PM »

Its definitely cheating ... If one person in the relationship is not a party to it its a Definite, plus getting knocked back for sex, what the!!!

davesaint86 · « **Reply #14 on:** August 18, 2020, 11:08:26 AM »

Is it cheating? Yes and no! Yes it is cheating because it's cheating your spouse out of the time that should be his or hers. No it's not cheating because the person doing the porn is not in love with the object, they are in love with the rush caused by the pleasure of the habit. It's a nasty habit like gambling, cigarettes, drinking, etc. I can understand those who feel cheated, because your are being cheated but not for a lack of love but for a lack of no self control by the offender. What is the answer to the problem? For those who truly love the offender work with them to help them if possible. Don't hound them but talk to them every day and ask them if how they are doing with the urges and tell them you love them and you are there for them. Hopefully over time things get better. If not, you may have to leave that person just like someone leaves someone with a drinking problem.

aquarius25 · « **Reply #15 on:** August 22, 2020, 03:09:27 PM »

"because your are being cheated but not for a lack of love but for a lack of no self control by the offender."

I have to disagree on this. When a spouse/ partner with holds truth, physical intimacy, and honestly their affection as a result of this addiction they are withholding love... at the very least the expression of love which is what (as a partner) you receive. They are putting their time attention and priority of importance to their addiction higher than you. They are sacrificing their integrity and their moral character (assuming they are lying and hiding which is often the case) to protect and feed their addiction at the expense of the relatinship. While I agree self control is a huge part of it, it is not all of it.

davesaint86 · « **Reply #16 on:** August 23, 2020, 01:28:43 PM »

You make a good point. The way I worded it was pointing out that the one causing the offense is a victim to point. One should always take full responsibility for their actions.

Sanders · « **Reply #17 on:** August 25, 2020, 12:58:13 PM »

Fappy, you're joking right? I get that you can disagree in regards to whether a porn addiction is 'cheating' or not, but the rest of whatever you're writting is utter nonsense.

Quote from: Fappy on August 24, 2020, 08:24:43 PM

he clearly has a problem with porn and should be helped through it by his wife. the lack of interest he possesses for sex isnt only his fault, mind you. u need to ask youself are you doing everything to arouse him sexually?

I honestly don't know what to say to this, are you implying that if women aren't enough of a sex slave to their husbands they should be blamed for their porn habits? Have you been in a relationship with a human before, because from what you're writing I don't suppose you have. Intimacy and sex within the confines of a relationship is the result of a loving bond of people that respect each other. Because we idiots would rather be jerking off to videos of others doesn't mean the wife can be blamed. You have over a thousand posts on this forum, by now you should have learned some things about relationships.

I really hope that you don't share these ramblings seriously with people, try to learn some positive encouragement.

Fappy · « **Reply #18 on:** August 25, 2020, 08:23:42 PM »

Quote from: Sanders on August 25, 2020, 12:58:13 PM

Fappy, you're joking right? I get that you can disagree in regards to whether a porn addiction is 'cheating' or not, but the rest of whatever you're writting is utter nonsense.

Quote from: Fappy on August 24, 2020, 08:24:43 PM
he clearly has a problem with porn and should be helped through it by his wife. the lack of interest he possesses for sex isnt only his fault, mind you. u need to ask youself are you doing everything to arouse him sexually?

I honestly don't know what to say to this, are you implying that if women aren't enough of a sex slave to their husbands they should be blamed for their porn habits? Have you been in a relationship with a human before, because from what you're writing I don't suppose you have. Intimacy and sex within the confines of a relationship is the result of a loving bond of people that respect each other. Because we idiots would rather be jerking off to videos of others doesn't mean the wife can be blamed. You have over a thousand posts on this forum, by now you should have learned some things about relationships.

I really hope that you don't share these ramblings seriously with people, try to learn some positive encouragement.

no, im not joking, but im glad you could get a laugh out of it. while its true that looking at porn is nothing like cheating, all parties involved must take some responsibility. those that actually look at it, and those that enable it.

Arantxa · « **Reply #19 on:** September 30, 2020, 03:33:03 AM »

Definitely agree that it is one way of cheating. He should be satisfied with you.

Fappy · « **Reply #20 on:** September 30, 2020, 08:36:15 PM »

Being unsatisfied (sexually or otherwise) with a partner dosnt constitute cheating. Its a reflection of other issues going on, there is a reason why one partner is unsatisfied with the other. Communication is the key, however if communication is difficult ot the other party is unwilling, then the "unsatisfied" partner may look elsewhere for satisfaction (sexual or otherwise), in this case porn.

Hereformyhubby · « **Reply #21 on:** October 01, 2020, 12:29:10 PM »

If you feel like it is cheating, then yes, it is cheating. The energy from the marriage is going elsewhere, and that is why, in most cases, it feels like cheating.

In order for anyone to overcome an addiction, the internal cause must be found. For my husband, it was lack of connection during childhood that caused him to turn to that stuff. The dopamine rush and accumulation of DeltaFosB from it that he felt is what eventually created the addiction. This then prevented him from having a real connection to someone who was not on the screen despite his want to do so.

My thoughts on this in general are that, if someone turns to something that could potentially be addicting, it is because they feel as though something is lacking in their lives. This is an internal factor that has not been addressed, usually due to the individual being unaware of an issue to begin with. To place blame on someone else is just wrong. You could be the most loving, supportive person in the world, but if your partner has issues, it wouldn't matter. They would still seek out ways to escape their internal struggle.

I think what someone on this thread was trying to prove was that, if you, as a partner are not fulfilling your part in a marriage or relationship, your partner is then going to find a way to fulfill their needs elsewhere, and you should reflect back on yourself on what you did wrong. This is not true. Someone who doesn't feel as though their needs are being met in some form is having an issue within themselves. It is not the responsibility of others to make up for what someone else feels they lack, even if that person is your SO. The one who feels they need to look elsewhere to make up for what they lack will never be fulfilled on the level they need. This is an internal issue, and no amount of excuses will ever make it okay to seek elsewhere.

I strongly believe that the opposite of addiction is connection. There are many studies out there that prove that people who avoid the internet are happier than those who spend a great deal of time on it. You can't connect to a screen, no matter how hard you try.

mousemat1 · « **Reply #22 on:** October 02, 2020, 12:56:39 PM »

The idea that a partner should change their behaviour to satiate the needs of their other half is bullshit. If someone has a particular 'kink' then they should never coerce their partner into indulging in it if their partner really doesn't find it pleasant.

The truth of the matter is you can't change somebody else, but you can change yourself. So, if someone feels their 'needs' are not being met they can make an effort to adjust their needs or leave the relationship.

The problem with trying to place the onus on a partner to meet our needs is that our needs often change over time. So, instead of someone trying to manipulate a partner to become the perfect sex companion, something which is an unattainable goal in most cases, porn addicts need to start working on themselves.

scorpion · « **Reply #23 on:** October 12, 2020, 11:51:57 PM »

That last comment. 'nough said!

peter1717 · « **Reply #24 on:** October 24, 2020, 02:47:58 PM »

Do you think that if a man looks at a porn video then its the same as him having sex with a hooker?
If thats what you believe, then its cheating.