Author Topic: Resolved to conquer this  (Read 5062 times)

Leonidas

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Resolved to conquer this
« on: February 27, 2020, 04:17:46 PM »
First time on this site.  Though not the first attempt at eliminating porn from my life.  So here goes.

Early 40's.  Probably struggled for most of the past 10 years.  Was a member of YBRB for several years, then left it behind for good.  There was nothing else for me to learn there.  I believe I have all the knowledge I need to beat this addiction.  But yet it lingers, with a relapse every other week.  When it hits, it really hits hard.  Sometimes it's for an hour... sometimes it's a 3-hour binge.  Today was one of those days.  It went as far as to interrupt my daily activities, which is a surefire sign that it is encroaching into my life in a very negative way.

So my challenge is twofold:

First, I need to hold myself accountable, and watch my feelings as they shift towards the curiosity of going back to "take a peek".  The cravings will come, just as sure as Summer follows Spring.  How will I deal with those feelings?  What will I do when I am suddenly overwhelmed by a desire to watch the P?  I can come here and be honest and write it out.  Then use a handy strategy like closing computer and walking out... before giving my mind a chance to change its mind.

Second, but most crucial of both: to rearrange my life so that I really do feel like I am living it.  Doing the things that make me feel good to be alive.  Clarifying what new career challenges lay ahead and investing in my learning paths to improve my chances of landing an interesting job.  Paying more regular visits to friends.  Taking up the new hobby training over the next few weekends.  And crucially, opening my heart to love.

I find it is the lack of intimacy with a life partner that acts like a counter-force that gnaws at my back, insisting that the drive to reproduce won't go away anytime soon.  So I can either dwell in the fake world of cheap entertainment, or find someone who can open a world of possibilities.  It may sound like simplistic reasoning, but I think I'll leave it at that (why overthink things?)

And it is day 0 for me, btw.  Look forward to reading the journeys of fellow rebooters!

Elvis on Velvet

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2020, 01:26:12 PM »
Hi Leonidas,

Welcome to the fight!  Your situation is very familiar to many of us here.  You will struggle, as we all do.  You will possibly relapse, as many of us have.  I'm 4 months into my reboot and I have struggled frequently, though I can tell you it DOES get easier as time goes on.  However, I think I will need to battle this addiction for the rest of my life, I don't believe the urge to look at porn will ever go away completely.  I'm planning and preparing to simply live with the occasional (or even more frequent) urges.

If it fits with your recovery, I encourage you to continue posting here and engage with other people on the forum.  It helps me a lot.

Good luck and stay strong!

ArthurMorgan

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2020, 07:38:53 AM »
Wishing you the best of luck. The journey is very difficult to remain steady on at times. You will get there. Keep us updated

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2020, 08:48:30 AM »
Thank you Elvis On Velvet for the kind words.  Admittedly, this will be a tough battle as you say.  But permanent damage, I am not so convinced.  It is true that our pathways are primed for the hypersexual stimulus, but the brain is plastic: it WILL change over time. Maybe 2+ years time, but with enough discipline towards changing the lifestyle, porn will not be something we'll need to worry about constantly.

Thanks ArthurMorgan, I will keep an update.  And so here it is.

- Day 5 -

Not new territory for me, I've been in reboots before.  What would be interesting would be to notice WHAT I do whenever feelings of lust arise.  For instance yesterday, I mentally replayed an old favorite porn scene.  Part of me wanted to check it out again.  But then another voice told me: "Is it absolutely necessary for me to revisit this?", "do I have to follow this thought?", "it's just a thought".  And sure enough, the desire to cave in vanished, and I was able to get up and do another task before going out.

Sometimes the boundary between watching and not watching porn can be incredibly thin.  I could have easily caved in.  But that other voice, the one that wants to improve, become a better person, etc... asked me whether it was essential for me to watch.  And calm logic told me it wasn't.  So I let it go this time.  This is exactly the kind of reasoning I would like to have whenever the next porn-thought arises.  In yesterday's case, the action was to simply get up and do a very different activity followed by leaving the apartment. The action is as important as the thought process, and I believe they go together.

So for my next trigger, I'll notice how I deal with it emotionally/logically and then notice what my body does right after deciding I won't look at porn.
« Last Edit: March 03, 2020, 08:52:17 AM by Leonidas »

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2020, 10:02:19 AM »
Day 15 (no PMO, no fap)

Thankful for a head start in the long process of healing and recovery. Porn is not something I need.  Porn is not something ANYBODY needs.

Biology is also helping somewhat as the genitals are practically 'dead' or stunned.  As in 0 activity.  I should be worried about this lack of feeling business, but I also know from several accounts of people doing recovery before me, that sometimes people go through a "flatline" phase.  Body can be smarter than the brain sometimes, and in this case it may be telling me it really needs and appreciates the complete time-off from physical and mental sexual stimuli.

Time and again, there is the odd intrusive thought or dream at night where I somehow find myself 'accidentally' surfing for porn.  Only to realize upon awakening there is nothing to worry about, it was just a stupid dream.  But still I worry that the behavior to go towards porn is only separated by the thinnest of boundaries.  Piling the days of PMO-free life is like adding an extra layer of paint... but in itself it is not enough because in the end it will feel like I am artificially drawing a huge boundary between myself and that behavior.  For now the boundary acts like a reminder to keep out of danger but in future it should transition to a place with no boundaries because the behavior will no longer pose a threat.  By not worrying, I won't live in fear and won't have to hold back on living life as I want it.  I believe it is precisely the fear of living that ends with me screwing up with the old habits again and again.

jcwright

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2020, 08:15:30 AM »
15 days. Good job. Take it one at a time. Enjoy the process. Never lose focus.

I put a list of what I've done to reach my goal of 90 days with no PMO (and still going). Feel free to check it out my post.

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2020, 07:02:00 PM »
31 days

Glad to made it to a month, though I did have 2 MO releases in the past 2 weeks. Still, no chaser and no desire to escalate to porn.  In these trying times, I am doing my best to stay busy, although it is taking a toll, not being able to go out more and enjoy the outdoors.  Just having this general idea that improvement is possible and taking this enforced isolation as an opportunity to discover a new interest is what is keeping my hopes alive.  So still doing online courses, continuing my own self-taught regimen, and finishing off a long-delayed project. Especially that last bit: getting that step done will do a great deal to make me feel lighter, freer to explore new avenues.

I hope everyone's finding the silver lining in spite of these shitty times.  It may be easier to give in to old habits... but it is infinitely more rewarding to just believe in a new idea and pursue it just to see what the heck happens with it, regardless of whether it's likely to succeed or fail.

jcwright: congrats on your own streak! You're running a tight ship, with the exercising especially.

ArthurMorgan

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2020, 06:50:32 PM »
Congrats on the 31 days! I'm 223 something days in, this is my second attempt. Got to like 140 days before.  Do you suffer from PIED? Or you are just wanting to quit porn, but everything is working ok for you?

I have severe PIED, been watching porn for almost 25 years...

For this, my second attempt I started off on hard mode for like 131 days and did see mild improvements. Had a sex attempt (failed) once and have been MO occasionally since.

Strong urge for porn goes eventually, the toughest part you may find is trusting in the process. Unlike some I've had no life down there for the past 80 something days.

You are doing the right thing, staying busy, any slight urge to relapse, or conversations with your brain that "one PMO session will be fine, will kick start things" ignore!

Also, there will come a point (depending how long it takes you to recover and if you have PIED) where you will be like, ok it's been 140 days, no life down there, am I broken? Let me TEST it with PMO. Sure enough, it will work - then as you did, you will binge (2 weeks for me) back to square one.

I've had to kind of depressingly tell myself that I'm never going to be able to perform again, and kind of live my life accordingly. I know that's not the right approach but it works for me. If I meet someone in the meantime I will of course try but, what else can we really do at this stage?

I can focus on life, move on, persue hobbies. Then if one day while rebooting I get the mythical "morning erection" then it worked. Good luck stay busy, check in here when the urges start! You got this.

It will get easier, then depending on your porn exposure you should see improvements to your addiction. Not sure if it will ever go 100% but the urge for PMO I used to have has definitely  pretty  much gone just the occasional thought now and then.

If it's just addiction you have, you will get to a better place I'm sure :)

« Last Edit: March 30, 2020, 06:56:01 PM by ArthurMorgan »

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #8 on: April 11, 2020, 05:42:27 PM »
44 days.

Still on the bandwagon. Still not sure if the no release is doable or not for me... I would have said possible with the possibility of exercising a lot and moving outdoors about, but with the current situation and living arrangements, it isn't that easy.  We'll see.  But for the moment, fully committed to removing the P.

ArthurMorgan: the addiction, not sure whether to call it that feels more like a compulsion.  If it were like a case of smoking 20 cigarettes a day and figuring out how to drop down to 5, then 1, then 0, then this would be quite a battle.  But this is a lot easier, at least for me.  I don't really miss the smut.

As for the dead feeling you speak of, I guess we all start to see a decline especially in our 40s. The way I see it for myself, maybe it's a combo of many factors like diet, exercise, mental and spiritual health and finding the right person. I heard some people do yoga to help improve the flow of energy in the body. Others meditate. Others do the famous kegel exercises... these supposedly help with recovering erectile strength and I bet it works. If you feel you need the extra % strength, then you can start with better diet and more rigorous exercise. Then maybe try yoga or move on with kegels if that interests you. Just remember to give it time.. but improve you will.

UKGuy

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #9 on: April 14, 2020, 09:09:56 AM »
Hi Leonidas,

Congrats on your progress so far. I enjoyed reading your journal and can identify with much of what you say. Re triggers, I’ve found it really helpful to spend time identifying mine so I can anticipate when I’m in danger. These include : being alone in the house (thankfully not a risk at the moment), feeling rejection (maybe an argument with my wife or issue at work),  being hungover (can waste a day binging here) and surprisingly succeeding at something (usually work related) when I then feel I deserve a ‘treat’. Being aware of these triggers helps me to remove their power, particularly if I can combine my awareness with a coping strategy - e.g.: when alone, commit to a list of jobs to start busy. This may sound like I’m an expert - far from it! (Expert are trying maybe, and then failing again!)...which brings me into my latest realisation which is the power of connection with like minded guys, the ability to be completely open about my habits (I’m open with my wife about the addiction, but ‘dumb down’ the specifics for reasons of shame). Today is day 10 no PMO for me. Day 30 is my first milestone, and 90 my lifetime record. Fingers crossed that this group will give me that extra determination (is helping massively so far) and best of luck with your own jour way - look forward to seeing how things unfold for you. Best, UKGuy

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #10 on: April 22, 2020, 10:14:41 PM »
55 days.

I'll say this isn't bad, not for what I was used to over the past year.  A success to be sure.  Of course, it's not as good as a 'hardmode' reboot, but damn close.  I don't feel terribly bad about the occasional M... but it is just something I am keeping in mind to reduce the frequency and ultimately do completely without.  It is possible but at the same time it may be counter-intuitive now that I am without a partner.  I wonder who's right on the eternal debate of "should one release every so often" to avoid excess testosterone or inflammation of the prostate (ouch!).  I guess it's an unanswerable question, given no studies looked at the effects of lengthy abstinence.  Oh well..

Covid doesn't help, but I am not making it the scapegoat either, so... got to realize that life will resume once the measures are loosened a bit.  Perhaps in 2 months, maybe more.  Soon enough, there will be people going back to their everyday and if one can dream, maybe some will be quite anxious to socialize and a boom in romantic relationships will ignite here and there!  That's just a maybe... I get it that people might still recoil at the idea of 'touching' other people.

UKGuy: yeah, trigger management is a must, especially when you feel a relapse is imminent.  Here the issue isn't so much about avoiding the relapse at all costs, but much more to learn about what is going on in your mind.  Does relapsing feel good because it relieves stress or pain?  Is it something that you want to experience as a high or is it more like medication to dull the senses?  For me, the issue has more to do with why I need to release.  So looking at the triggers for M and then the behaviors that follow immediately after, that is going to teach me something about why I do what I do.

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #11 on: May 04, 2020, 09:50:07 PM »
Well, made it to 61 days... and then a slip. To pictures for 30 minutes. Then 2 days later, 1-hour relapse to videos.

Looking back, I think I had already embarked on a slippery slope. No, not peeking.  But the whole mindset - my relationship with sex.  As much as I'd like to blame porn for my thinking and behavior, truth is my mindset is the greatest culprit. Porn is never the problem: it's the coping mechanism for something else that is not quite right. In my case, that means that I need to double up on why it is I sometimes feel the need to be validated through sex. Or to look at a potential mate as someone who could fulfill a sexual fantasy and yet fall short of the romantic ideal. Like I said: easy for me to blame it on porn... but I believe it's the other way round: I went to porn and kept going back because of the underlying penchant for sexual fantasy. Which is good to realize. Now how to tackle this? Only one way: change my attitude with respect to potential mates. Yes, there will be sex. But it's got to be approached from the perspective of getting to know of wanting to be around the other, regardless of whether I will be getting any. It's not about boiling it down to how I will perform; but how connected we can be. And if I don't catch the feelers, then I have to be honest with myself and keep trying to find the one until it just seems right. What was wrong and what will never be right is to classify a person as sex-worthy and little more when they show an interest in me as a person... that would make for a usurious relationship at best. THAT is the kind of mentality I do not want to engage in. It's what leads to relapsing and the cycle of incessant want and desire, followed with self-loathing after the fact.

3 days clean for this new attempt. Let's see how I can hold the fort in the coming days. But most importantly, to notice WHAT are the thoughts and feelings that are bringing me close to dangerous territory. And why I feel the need to entertain those.

jixu

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #12 on: May 05, 2020, 05:55:20 AM »
Some very deep musings and I think you are on to something when you discussed connection-it has to be about connection, shared activities and interests, and companionship.  Companionship is huge.  I mean think about it-how much time overall can you spend in the rack hopping away on your spouse?  I mean sure, it is nice, it is glorious, and all that-but it is only one part; an important part, yes, but only one part.  That component alone will not sustain a relationship.   The Hollywood version of "exciting hook-ups"  in reality will lead to sterile and transient relationships that will be unsatisfying.     Great job getting back on track!

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #13 on: May 09, 2020, 05:31:25 PM »
Day 8

Process of recovery going on autopilot. Not feeling like I have to put up monumental effort to resist temptation. Right now, the coast is very clear. However when desire will come back to pester, I will need all the power of a clear mind and the necessary reminders, that pursuing lust will never satisfy any urge. Urges are temporary in their dynamic, and as soon as a remember that, I won't have to worry about their power over me.

So here's for the reminders:
1. If the urges start encroaching in my mind: just realize they are temporary and fleeting... they WILL go away if left alone
2. Realize WHY those feelings are there: is there something in my life that feels unattended to?  Are their needs not met that lust compensates for?

Looking forward to a great week ahead, hopefully one filled with productive tasks and meaning. Maybe there is one new thing I can learn about myself.

Some very deep musings and I think you are on to something when you discussed connection-it has to be about connection, shared activities and interests, and companionship.  Companionship is huge.  I mean think about it-how much time overall can you spend in the rack hopping away on your spouse?  I mean sure, it is nice, it is glorious, and all that-but it is only one part; an important part, yes, but only one part.  That component alone will not sustain a relationship.   The Hollywood version of "exciting hook-ups"  in reality will lead to sterile and transient relationships that will be unsatisfying.     Great job getting back on track!
Thanks for contributing your thoughts, Jixu.  You're dead-on about relationships based mostly out of physical attraction: I can't imagine how I would be able to sustain one.  And yet, some people can do it... so part of me cannot judge those who do engage in those.  Still, connection matters most.  It takes that to want to be thrilled to be around that person.  That's a good thing for me to know... it's a non-negotiable that I cannot do without.

jixu

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #14 on: May 10, 2020, 02:47:50 PM »
Of course, I would be untruthful if I said physical attraction was not a factor in wanting to marry my wife!

Glad to hear you have been having good days-it helps to build momentum for some of the more challenging ones. 

joepanic

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #15 on: May 10, 2020, 06:46:14 PM »
Hey Leonidas

      Great to hear your moving forward.  As for the time when  you need to be prepared  perhaps offence is one of the best defenses.  I find coming here to post every day  or read here every day  really keeps my mind on the ball.   Rather than keeping my  fists up as a 
guard I am learning to avoid  the possibilities of porn being able to come at me.  Reading about others sucesses or failures  and drawing conclusions from them.  Learning from their sucesses or failures is a mightly strong tool in building a new life.

   cheers  good luck this week  hope to see you heare often

    Post often it helps you it helps me

mr.slurps

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #16 on: May 11, 2020, 02:15:09 PM »
Hi Leo,   Keep up the good work.
Oh and thank you for:  "Maybe there is one new thing that I can learn about myself." 
I'm going to write that one on my soul.

UKGuy

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #17 on: May 12, 2020, 03:52:23 AM »
100% JP!

How are you getting on Leonidas?

Hey Leonidas

      Great to hear your moving forward.  As for the time when  you need to be prepared  perhaps offence is one of the best defenses.  I find coming here to post every day  or read here every day  really keeps my mind on the ball.   Rather than keeping my  fists up as a 
guard I am learning to avoid  the possibilities of porn being able to come at me.  Reading about others sucesses or failures  and drawing conclusions from them.  Learning from their sucesses or failures is a mightly strong tool in building a new life.

   cheers  good luck this week  hope to see you heare often

    Post often it helps you it helps me

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #18 on: May 13, 2020, 10:02:06 PM »
Day 12 and nothing new to report.

As for the time when  you need to be prepared  perhaps offence is one of the best defenses.  I find coming here to post every day  or read here every day  really keeps my mind on the ball.   Rather than keeping my  fists up as a 
guard I am learning to avoid  the possibilities of porn being able to come at me.  Reading about others sucesses or failures  and drawing conclusions from them.  Learning from their sucesses or failures is a mightly strong tool in building a new life.
Yes, offense is often the better choice.  Good sports analogy.  I prefer 'grabbing a bull by the horns', being more of an animal lover :) But yes it's ditto and for me it means just keeping busy with life.  At some point in any person's life, the going was good: there was work to be done, there were opportunities for creative pursuit, and time for doing something physical, like a sport or being outdoors.  It's only reasonable to ask: "How could I backtrack from this mess I've created for myself that has put me in a dark hole, and go back to those days of good living?" The trick is now is the present-future, not the past. So it's about finding the lessons of the past and becoming good at living with the playbook in the present.  I don't exactly know how to get it done... but IT IS possible.

Hi Leo,   Keep up the good work.
Oh and thank you for:  "Maybe there is one new thing that I can learn about myself." 
I'm going to write that one on my soul.
Today I just learned that I can be extraordinarily pathetic and slow... when I want to. Not necessarily gonna go out 'n celebrate that, but well it is one thing I learned about myself.  What can I say, that counts!

100% JP!
How are you getting on Leonidas?
Leonidas needs to get back into another battle. The slow-rot of indoors life and atrophying muscles... bad for morale. Time to strap some sandals, unhook the shield from the wall, grasp a spear and hunt for some wild boar in the countryside!

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #19 on: May 19, 2020, 09:33:49 AM »
Day 18

Not implying this run is a smooth ride on a sunny road... there were a couple of MO's, but for the greater good of the big picture, I am keeping the tally.  Not to try to get to a landmark number, but just tangible proof that I can do without the hardcore visuals.  The very material that hyper-excites the nervous system to abnormally high levels of dopamine.  And yet, all that excessive stimulation comes with its price as one comes crashing down.  THAT is no way to live... and as I am reminded of the wise words of Marcus Aurelius, the secret does lie in living a life of temperance, where one is surfing the middle, avoiding the extreme highs and lows of experience.  May sound like unexciting stuff, but he was right: extremes don't make a life worth living, they are distractions from the real deal... most of our lives will be spent in the middle zone anyway.  But what about doing a parachute jump one in a lifetime, ain't that worth the high?  Sure, why not... so long as my happiness won't depend on that one single event.

But more relevantly: is porn (or was porn) an inspiration to the desire to live out a sexual fantasy in real life?  And crucially, if I were to indulge in it, would that make me a happier and more completer person?  I may feel I have cut out most links with porn now, with relapses occurring ever less frequently.  But the brain has been impacted from all these years of consuming those visuals... and fantasy is like the spirit that has risen out of porn's dead body.  All I know is that fantasy is my greatest nemesis.  It will bring my mind close to a precipice where I might tumble into making the wrong choices for myself.  But then, I might be wrong about my choice of words: nemesis it may feel like one now, but in truth, it is a feeling like any other, and as feelings go they are loaded with important messages.  So my challenge next is to learn to live with the lingering fantasy, to try to understand what it is trying to communicate to me.  Could it be that it is encouraging connection or romance?  Could it be it is encouraging me to explore other creative interests?  I may have got it bad, but living with fantasy can also be an opportunity to crack open my shell and to not fear 'seizing' the day.

Enough rambling. Let's get back to our tasks.

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #20 on: May 26, 2020, 11:23:31 AM »
As the process of recovery keeps going forth, I realize that other things, or rather thought patterns, have kept me from living a more authentic life.  How strange indeed it is when back in my early 30s, whenever a female friend expressed an interest in more than friendship, it's like a switch was suddenly flipped: "here's a sex opportunity!"  Well, I never did take the step of converting those feelings into action because somehow I couldn't rationalize the "re-classification" of friends into booty-material as it simply wasn't right for me.  I am not worried about actions; what I am worried is about thought.  Why did I think these things, why did I harbor these fantasies?

The mind is tricky.  It plays on childhood memories, life experiences, insecurities and vulnerabilities, even on disposition to fantasize (in general, about everything).  But one question I keep reminding myself of brings me back to baseline: "Who do I want to be?" I know it can be tough, when suddenly I am assaulted with a deluge of feelings.. and it can be hard to break from an addictive-like pattern of thought.  But sooner or later, one has to come back to rest.  After the storms, come the peace and quiet.  What would I like to be as a person, during the long peaceful stretches of time?  That might change during the storms... but essentially I am mostly the person I am when in a state of calm.

Who do I want to be?

(day 25 I believe)

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #21 on: June 08, 2020, 11:47:37 AM »
Not much to report on the p-front.  Minus the one p-lapse last Wednesday evening.  So this is day 4.

Morale is strong, my daily routine seems to be going fine.  I am exercising more, getting some sun, trying to eat wholesome.  I am thinking of meditating again, as it is something I have slowly disconnected from.  But I also don't want to make it an obligation either... so I'll see how that goes.  If I don't make it into a daily routine, then it is what it is.  I have to respect my inclinations.

The only ingredient missing is that clear vision.  Not a detailed map of the future 5 years from now... but an overall feeling that this thing will work in about a year or two from now.  The 'what' is something I would like to set my mind to finalize.  It's not important to get THE answer.. as much as it is to resolve to get an objective for something that makes sense to me.  Passion might be the ideal... but I would be wise to remember that passion isn't everything.  Pursuing the GOOD can be rewarding enough, whatever that 'good' is for me.  To that aim, I will start filling in a notebook to clarify my plan.  Let's see how that goes.

Joel

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #22 on: June 09, 2020, 05:15:58 AM »
Hey Leo,
Well done for getting back on the horse, and those healthy habits and thinking where you want your life to go sounds good!

Leonidas

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #23 on: June 17, 2020, 10:40:36 AM »
Thank you, Joel!

It had now been a week since my previous lapse, and now feeling fine.  I only have some worries about finding ways to better organize myself so that I can accomplish most goals and tasks.  But there must also be room for slacker days, to regenerate, so when the occur I welcome them keeping a mental note that I have to 'make up' for it the next day.

No apologies for the previous relapse.  As it's often mentioned on license plates: "Shit happens!"

mr.slurps

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Re: Resolved to conquer this
« Reply #24 on: June 21, 2020, 06:25:47 PM »
Hi Leo,  One foot in front of the other...
You seem like one of the many readers on here. 
If you want one that will put things in perspective and motivate you look at suffering positively, try "In Search of Meaning" by Victor Frankl.
He was in the Nazi Death Camps in WW2 and survived largely by picturing himself, vividly, returning to a meaningful life.