Miserable due to porn addiction

[anonfromfinance]

Day Eight. 07:27 PM.

Hey Quit, thanks man. I really appreciate the support. Yeah, I hope that falling off the wagon might not necessarily bring me back to square one after a solid 20 days of staying off of porn. I am pretty serious of getting my shit together so let's hope for the best.

So I haven't posted here in a couple of days but I'm doing great. I've been busy. I had a pretty great Friday, studies, and all of that. However, I wanted to study over the weekend and finish some more content but I didn't end up doing that. I spent most of the weekend making and editing videos for my friend's birthday since we're doing a birthday montage for her. I even finished my novel finally. It took me an entire week. Sunday's almost over and I will get back to studies and the normal routine tomorrow though. I'm still like, two days behind with my study schedule so I'm going to have to find ways to cover that up.

I also noticed that after an entire day of editing videos today, when I started hitting a dead end I kinda felt the same heavy head feeling which I get after studying a lot. I'm starting to think that this is my brain's way of saying that "Okay bro, this is the limit, you should take it a little easy now and rest your mind" because I'm sure that this means that withdrawal is slightly affecting my concentration. I'm hoping this will get better over time if I just stay away long enough and train my mind to teach it that this is how it's going to be now.

I'm going to go take a bath, freshen up, have dinner, and start reading a new novel before I turn in. New week ahead and while I did pretty great this past week, I wanna do even better in this new week.

[anonfromfinance]

Day Nine. 08:58 AM.

Ugh, why do I have to feel sleepy when I have to be productive haha. I slept well last night, woke up a few times though and even though I am sleepy, I know better than to take a nap now. I will push through and work out in a bit and then nicely study throughout the rest of the day. Let's make this Monday productive and set the bar high for the rest of the week.

Edit: Half an hour later and I’m majorly struggling to get myself to workout, I feel so fucking lethargic. It’s like the fight or flight situation that you get before relapsing oh my god, this is unreal.

[anonfromfinance]

Day Nine. 10:05 PM.

So I did manage to push through the lethargic procrastination and I ended up having a pretty good workout. Studied pretty well too. Had a pretty nice start to the week, can't complain. Gonna go read a novel and call it a night.

[Jeks]

Nice one anon.

[anonfromfinance]

Day Ten. 08:46 AM.

Hey Jeks, thanks man.

Well, for starters, I don't feel the same lethargic procrastination I did yesterday so that's a good thing. I do feel a little exhausted in general and my entire body feels sore from all the workouts. But that's alright because tomorrow is a rest day. I have been feeling a little worried about my future regarding the Ph.D. program. Things don't seem to be slowing down with this pandemic and it could cause a hindrance/delay and the whole uncertainty just makes me a little bit anxious. I'm trying to stay calm and not panic. In the meantime, all I can do is continue with my neat little schedule and battle this addiction.

I also had a wet dream, but I don't seem to remember the dream? I just woke up with a wet stain on my boxers. Not sure what all that is about. Also no matter how many times this happens, you kinda never get used to it because the wet stain next morning just feels icky.

[anonfromfinance]

Day Ten. 09:56 PM.

Um so I got a little late for my workout because I was reading some other journals here and it felt nice to be able to help a bit. I think I'm going to try to do that more often. The workout was pretty great, but I'm definitely sore after these last few workout days. Good thing tomorrow is a rest day. I'm going to get up a little later than usual and spend the whole day studying. Also, I didn't accomplish much study-wise today. I went out in the evening to get groceries and kinda didn't feel like getting back to books. It's alright, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. The day was pretty productive excluding that too. 10 days though, we're getting there yo.

[faenoe]

Hey anon, glad to hear that your workouts have been making you sore I also feel like I gain a lot from reading these journals. They're like the realest thing in the world. They capture just about every part of recovery and have been an amazing source of strength. I also get a lot from posting on other peoples' threads and sharing my experience with them. i think there's a lot of power in that--more than we realize.

Keep up the good work

[anonfromfinance]

Day Eleven. 10:04 AM.

Hey faenoe, thanks man. Haha the workouts are really something. And you are right, reading and posting in other threads definitely have more power than we realize. I am going to try and contribute more.

Okay, so I just want to take a moment to appreciate last night's sleep haha. I'm sorry but I just had the best sleep last night after a long time. I felt like all my worries had been washed away which usually doesn't happen because I'm overthinking before sleep. But yesterday, I guess I was just too tired to do all of that. Is this what it feels like not to overthink? Mm can't relate haha. Anyway, gonna spend the day studying today. Really looking forward to it now that I feel at peace with my sleep.

[anonfromfinance]

Day Eleven. 10:08 PM.

Today was really tiring. I think by early evening I had studied for 4 hours and I was just mentally tired and drained. Still, I pushed myself to study for maybe an hour and a half more. That kinda got frustrating because I had to really focus on solving the MCQs. I'm a little bummed because had I studied for 30-45 minutes more I would have completed my target for the day. But I just had to stop, it's no good if I'm half-assing my studies. I kinda had a few urges today too. I considered watching porn and jerking off twice, but I didn't give into it. This happened because earlier in the afternoon I was kinda mentally making a rough schedule of how I want to finish my studies by the end of June. With the amount of studies and the number of other things that I have to do to prepare myself for the doctoral program, I just stressed myself the fuck out. I think, for now, I should just keep doing my best when it comes to studies and not really contemplate about things a month or two down the line. I'm gonna go to bed and hope that tomorrow will be better.

[anonfromfinance]

Day Twelve. 09:01 AM.

I had a petty quarrel with my mom before I went to bed. That kinda put me off in a bad mood and I had to end my day and sleep on that note which kinda sucked. Yet another day of me feeling sleepy, I think I should stop trying to get up as early as 8. I just feel sleepy all the time. However, this gives me more time to study in the evening which is why I keep doing this. The other alternative is to get up at 9 and workout in the evening. I think I should try that for an entire week and see how it goes even though that gives me an hour less to study. At least I won't have to start my day in a sleepy haze that way. Might make all the difference.

[Jeks]

Hey anon, its great to read your day to day progress. And about this whole sleepiness thing: seems like a good idea to me, just continue to try new stuff. You will find a solution eventually.

[zander13]

Keep going man. Remember that this fight is the most important one.

[anonfromfinance]

Day Thirteen. 12:44 AM.

Jeks and Zander, thanks man. The constant support from both of you guys is really making a lot of difference. I am trying my best to keep on track and not give up.

I had a really miserable day today. I didn't feel like doing anything so I forced myself to finish editing my friend's birthday video. That is one relief. I am never editing videos for anybody ever again! This is stressful work.

However, before I decided to do the video I felt really miserable and I would've definitely relapsed today. Although I don't feel like I played any part in fighting those urges. I feel like it was a luck of the draw that I didn't relapse. It was like I wanted to but somehow I just didn't. And I don't applaud myself for it because I know I wanted to and it was only a matter of time. My diet was shit too, my mental state was shit too. The entire day was absolutely horrendous and I am just glad it's over!

[Jeks]

Dude, you were able to say no and did not relapse. Thats a big accomplishment. Tough days will come and these are exactly the days, when it counts. Each difficult day, will bring you closer to where you want to be. When you feel like it was a close call, then already start to think about, what you will have to do, in order to get over the hump the next time. Thats exactly the process. You have got to practice to overcome the urge, because the urge will come. Thats how your brain will start to change. Also think about what might have triggered you.
And always keep in mind your reasons.

[anonfromfinance]

Day Thirteen. 10:41 AM.

You're right, tough days will come but man, I don't feel like I was able to stay away from it. I think I would've fallen off the wagon. It just ... didn't happen. And I am, unfortunately, struggling to see a win here. To think about the reasons that trigger me. I'm pretty sure it's when I stress myself too much. I feel like since I'm under so much stress it is justified that I act out. That's not right, obviously. But I think all of this is just because I am struggling to find a routine that works for me. It also seems that this is exactly how it's always been in the past, not just with addiction but in general as well. I make some strides and achievements (such as how much I've managed to study lately) and then I will find ways to hinder all of that progress.

Ugh, now I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to curl up in a ball and roll around in my misery. This sucks.

Edit: I also kinda feel sad that all my friends are meeting up today and I said I wouldn't meet them. We're still in lockdown and it's my friend's birthday tomorrow. So my entire group of friends is going to her place today, to stay the night. Because I felt that this was a risk I could avoid (considering my future travel plans) I stepped my foot down and said no. It's been 2.5 months since we met and it just kinda sucks. I know I did the right thing, but that doesn't make it any less sad.

[Jeks]

Recognize that all of this are withdrawals. Your body and mind try to make you feel bad and uncomfortable and to trick you into using porn. Its craving for this dopamine rushes. About how to handle these everyone has to find ones own way. I would try to not pressure myself to much, but maybe its the exact opposite for you, or maybe it depends on your day to day mood.
I can understand that you feel like it was a little bit out of your control, but the first times can feel like that.
Stick to you strategies. Also when i would feel like i cant really consciously and rationally think and decide anymore i just sticked to short reminding sentences.
Dont touch. Dont fantasize. These are cravings and not my real libido. What are my reasons.
Grab a pillow and dont let go of it.
I know, i repeat myself, but thats exactly what this fight was about for me. Its repetition. Its about reminding yourself each and every time to the same principals, so that your body and mind learn how to act differently.
This cravibgs and urges will end someday. Dont let your brain trick you.

[anonfromfinance]

Hey Jeks, you are right. These are definitely just the withdrawals and my mind is trying to trick me into using porn. I didn't though. I stayed away and I told myself that this wasn't right. I wasn't going to let porn win again. That is not who I want to be. I am trying to stick to what I know and I'm going to continue to work on this. I hope I get past this phase, I know it'll pass. But I always tend to relapse around the second week so I just have to make it through this.

In other news though, since I was feeling shitty I did a lot of reading on various forums about everybody's experiences with their journey and what did or didn't work for them. After reading quite a lot, I did a lot of soul-searching within me too and I think I wanna talk about that.

I've always known that the way to beat this addiction is not just staying away from porn. While that is the most important part, yes, a lot of it is also about getting to the root cause of how I use this addiction as a coping mechanism and working on that too. I also read about people finding out their true selves once the mask of this addiction wears off considering the fact that a lot of people used it to deal with the problems/insecurities they were facing in real life. I already know why I'm addicted and I've journaled about that in the past so I'm going to skip that part.

Personally, I have always used this addiction as a way to deal with my stress. I am a huge overthinker, but also a highly ambitious person. These two things just don't go hand in hand very well. So overthinking almost always led to panicking which led to me watching porn which was the only way I had learned how to deal with this. This is the reason I think why every time I study and exhaust my mind, I tend to relapse. Or at least my mind gives me the urge to do so. So essentially if I want to do better at fighting this addiction, I have to stop overthinking obviously and start finding healthier ways to cope with the stress that studies bring. That is one part. I mean, sure, I can slowly increase the hours I study and work my way up but that's going to make me think that I'm not doing enough which will also lead to overthinking. So I'm going to work on finding that sweet spot.

Key takeaways from this: Stop overthinking, try to be more at peace with yourself and balance studies in a way that you're not overachieving but also not underperforming.

Second, I also want to get to know myself without this addiction. I think I faintly remember a time after my first break-up back in 2014 where I wasn't really using porn. I remember being at peace with myself and that made me hella confident. I have definitely grown into my own in many ways since that time, damn that was 6 years ago. But I remember that confidence and I haven't felt that confident since then. I don't remember feeling that same feeling in a long time. I have second-guessed myself a lot in the past 2-3 years since I got rejected by a lot of doctoral programs the first time I applied back in 2018. That really did a number on me since I thought I had a great profile and I was ready for it. Knowing that now I have been accepted to a program, why am I still hard on myself? I DID IT. This was my dream! While there are a few battles still left to fight, I have already won the war. I have proved to myself that I am completely capable of doing this. I should stop doubting myself now, I have done my due diligence. If I am to peek behind the curtains to see the man that I am without this addiction, I will most definitely find a confident, ambitious dude who is fucking amazing. I have achieved a lot for myself and I don't need to constantly prove that anymore. I even worked on my body since I didn't want to be skinny and I am better than I used to be. I mean, obviously I am not the best but I did pretty great for myself and I'm going to continue working on that. Honestly, there isn't a single problem I have come across that I haven't managed to overcome. I am not a quitter by nature. I have always pushed myself even before I knew what I was doing. I don't care if people think I am the smartest guy in the room. Let me tell you, I'm not! But I am the most hard-working guy! I have busted my ass to achieve everything I have accomplished. I sucked the first time at GRE, I fucking gave it again and turnt it out. I didn't get admitted to a doctoral program the first time, I worked on it and I got admitted the second time around and I am like, 3-4 months away from flying to a whole another country (slight variation for the global pandemic haha). But what I will NOT tolerate is letting something as stupid as porn get in the way of my dreams. I am an atheist by nature, I don't really believe in a God as such but I do believe in cosmic justice or karma and that there is a higher power that measures/knows when the time is right. SO if the universe has somehow decided that I get admitted to a doctoral program this year then it is hinting that I need to get my shit together (this addiction) before I start this long-awaited new chapter of my life. So I swear, I am not letting porn taint this. I am going to consciously work on my mind. I am going to teach it that HEY THIS IS HOW IT GOTTA BE NOW. I want to grow as a person, I want to be at peace with myself. When I lay down at night I don't want this addiction weighing down on my mind. And someday, I am going to tell my story with pride. I am going to tell people how some fucked up shit in my childhood got my skinny ass addicted to porn BUT I worked on that, I overcame it, I went to the gym and got a pretty decent body for myself and how I worked hard and got myself 3-4 degrees including a doctorate degree and how I fucking owned it. I am going to be at peace with myself and I will rest easy knowing I have no regrets in life at all.

[anonfromfinance]

Had a terrible weekend binge and I’m just disappointed that I’ve let myself down again. I just feel like shit.

[anonfromfinance]

Okay fine, yes I relapsed over the weekend. I felt bad and I am ashamed. I originally didn't want to post here for a bit because I was so embarrassed by these multiple 10-12 day streaks.

But I've realized my mistakes and I vow to grow from them. I feel motivated today. I have shit to do and I have my work cut out for me but I want to grow. I want better things for me. I want to excel in my studies, workouts, and life in general. So I'm going to do everything it takes. I'm going to read as many self-help books as possible. I'm going to study my ass off. I am going to practice Calculus (yuck). I'm going to learn programming languages. I won't buckle under pressure this time. When somebody asks what I did a few months before the doctoral program I will tell them I made the most out of my time. I have 3 months to go, exactly 90 days until my program starts. And it is the exact number of days I need to do a hard mode reboot. I'm going to do everything, day by day. Slow and steady bitch but this time I am not faltering or wavering. I know what I need to do and I am going to do it this time. No excuses 100%.

Edit: I’ve started reading a self-help book and I’ve been really enjoying it thoroughly. I think I’m learning some interesting things from it. But before I go around quoting things from self-help books, I want to be able to go beyond 2 weeks with this streak so hold on for a bit.

[zander13]

Hey man, a word of advice.

I’ve been in the cycle that you now find yourself in. The relapses, the shame, the renewed motivation to start your life from scratch. Dude, I’ve “restarted” my life about a thousand times. To do lists, bucket lists, promises, prayer, goals.

The thing you have to realize is that in order to beat this thing, you gotta understand that the reasons you’re feeling energized today are neurochemical in nature. You fed yourself the chemicals, so now your brain is happy. But, as you know, your brain is going to start getting thirsty again. And all this energy you’re feeling is going to feel as if it happened to someone else.

You need to find that inner person inside of you that can remain unchanged by these ebbs and flows of your brain, which is an organ, just like our hearts, bladders, etc. You cannot attach yourself to it. You need to dip your toes into some eastern mindsets. This is a war you’re fighting, and you need to fully grasp just how tumultuous it is. You’re fighting for your life. And, as in any war, there’s going to be massive amounts of pain and devastation. So you need to absorb that fact, and decide that you’re going to remove yourself from the day to day battles so that you won’t lose yourself in the violence.

Attach the proper amount of significance to this fight as it deserves. It’s very, very serious.

I feel like a douche giving this advice, because I myself don’t enjoy advice, but I resonated too much with the wavelike nature of your recovery. I’ve been there man. I really have.

And it’s not like I’m some fucking guru. I’m still very much vulnerable to relapse. I’m in the same boat as you. The same fucking hellhole.

[anonfromfinance]

Hey zander, that was quite a bit of a reality check I think haha. Thank you for that, I think I needed it. You’re right about it though. I was actually in fact so frustrated and ashamed with the recent relapses since I’ve had so many 10-12 day streaks that I didn’t want to post on here until I actually made it past that point but I just felt this surge of motivation.

I don’t think I realised it could have been just the satisfaction of having had a weekend binge making my mind feel like it’s on cloud 9. Having read what you just said does give me more insight into how to fight this battle. I will certainly keep it in mind and the next time things get tough I’ll try to read this again and again. This really is war man. And being stuck in this wavelike pattern sucks. I can’t express how frustrated I was, but I’m sure you can relate.

Thanks for the advice. You don’t have to feel like a douche or be a guru though. I very much appreciate the advice anyway.

[faenoe]

Hey bro, I also resonate with what zander said. The past couple weeks have seriously been the fight of my life. It's like when you want nothing more than a glass of water after a hike through the desert. But you don't let yourself do it. That is the decision you make when you said, "I am going to quit porn." You say that you have made up your mind to make the hardest decision in the most impossible situation. But you can. I'm here fighting this plague with you. I want nothing more than to get rid of the power it has over me. Make up your mind to quit every moment--even in the moment where you want nothing more than to look at porn.

[jixu]

How has it been going lately?  Was wondering if your study and testing plans got messed up by all that is going on.  Hang in there!   

[anonfromfinance]

How has it been going lately?  Was wondering if your study and testing plans got messed up by all that is going on.  Hang in there!

Hey man. Thanks for your message. Do you mean how the pandemic has affected my study and testing plans or my addiction haha? In any case, the answer is yes to both. Both these things have majorly caused an interference in my plans and I am just trying to get a grip on things. Some days are better than others. But otherwise, I really can't compalin.

Hope things are going great with you. Good luck with your journey man. 

[Relentless Observer]

Anon,
I have enjoyed reading your journal and I applaud you for your honesty.  However, I also empathize with you as this is a trial... a horrible trial at times!
You posted numerous 10-15 day streaks.  That is still so much better than watching porn every day and over time it adds up.  It took me so many attempts before I successfully committed to a porn-free life.  In honesty, it took me much longer then to get rid of porn-like fantasy... so in a sense it has been maybe a year of being virtually porn-free.  All this is to say that it is a huge commitment to bettering ourselves and a worhwhile journey.  It is tough, but YOU CAN DO IT.
Currently, I have had lots of mini streaks without masturbation...and at this point I think it really is tied to the porn habits I had when younger that make it more compulsory than ... normal/what it should be... so I am working on freeing myself from masturbation as well.

I don't know if this makes as much sense as I wanted it to, but the point is that we have harmed ourselves unknowingly for so long and it is difficult to fight this addiction, but so necessary!
I believe in you.  I believe in us.