Author Topic: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.  (Read 11654 times)

k-fff

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So some background on me, I am currently 28 and I live in China. I actually partially moved to China because I thought they blocked all porn. Sadly, that seems to be impossible for any country to do. I want to say that I don't think I have been addicted for that long and actually, I think I actually got really addicted in China because I initially had been off for about 2 months then I had a massive relapse. For the past 2 years, it has gotten worse. I tried putting a block on my computer, but that just awakened my dopamine even more and made things worse. Right now, I am on my second day. I have been really struggling with this and the longest I have gone is 20 days. I mainly pmo as emotional coping. I get stressed then I pmo. I would say on average I last for 3 to 5 days. Often times, the 5th day being the worst. I will go through cycles of bingeing and edging for hours where i literally feel like I have lost all contact with the outside world. These are obviously the worst days. Right now, I don't have any sexual issues other than I enjoy sex a hell of alot more when I don't look at porn for at least a week. I do think it is causing me to lose my hair at an accelerated rate becoming more like that coomer meme. I am posting this now because I think I need to because right now I am not making much headway and I don't want to keep making the same decisions where it makes me completely bald and devoid of feeling.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2019, 04:00:39 AM »
Common Triggers for me include
Boredom
Stress with work or any kind of stress
Anger/frustration
Fighting with friends
lack of sleep

Right now, being bored and lack of sleep are my two biggest triggers if I don't sleep I quickly fall into porn because of how tired I am and how little I want to do anything. Stress is a close second. Whenever I deal with a problem, I tend to relapse. I feel rather weak because I don't even seem to have it as bad as others do, but I am making this addiction worse. It has definitely gotten worse over these past 2 years. I don't have too much of a problem with women, but this has become such an emotional dependency that it has really affected my interest in women. I am hoping by tracking this I can move forward.

wecandoit

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2019, 09:03:11 AM »
So some background on me, I am currently 28 and I live in China. I actually partially moved to China because I thought they blocked all porn. Sadly, that seems to be impossible for any country to do. I want to say that I don't think I have been addicted for that long and actually, I think I actually got really addicted in China because I initially had been off for about 2 months then I had a massive relapse. For the past 2 years, it has gotten worse. I tried putting a block on my computer, but that just awakened my dopamine even more and made things worse. Right now, I am on my second day. I have been really struggling with this and the longest I have gone is 20 days. I mainly pmo as emotional coping. I get stressed then I pmo. I would say on average I last for 3 to 5 days. Often times, the 5th day being the worst. I will go through cycles of bingeing and edging for hours where i literally feel like I have lost all contact with the outside world. These are obviously the worst days. Right now, I don't have any sexual issues other than I enjoy sex a hell of alot more when I don't look at porn for at least a week. I do think it is causing me to lose my hair at an accelerated rate becoming more like that coomer meme. I am posting this now because I think I need to because right now I am not making much headway and I don't want to keep making the same decisions where it makes me completely bald and devoid of feeling.

Hey, man, I could say that your story is not very different from mine. I, too, have problems with uncontrollable sessions of edging and binging and using PMO as a form of coping. I used to have a similar porn behavior: Lasting about a week then edging for hours then binging. But then I've exceeded that. Now, with enough discipline, I could go to 2 week without problems. It's like a muscle that can lift more after training. You won't stay at 5 days forever. I know it might seem hard now. "Come on, man! I relapse every 5 days and you tell me I will get to 2 weeks?" I know how it sounds when I say it but I used to think the same. I can't go past a week and then a week was easy. Last time I would've made it to 2 weeks again but I made a stupid mistake and I relapsed on day 12. That started the current binge that's been going for three days. I feel exhausted. Luckily, those of those days were days off work but the first day, I binged then went to work feeling exhausted with no mood and no functionality. I barely survived the shift.

wecandoit

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2019, 09:09:58 AM »
Common Triggers for me include
Boredom
Stress with work or any kind of stress
Anger/frustration
Fighting with friends
lack of sleep

Right now, being bored and lack of sleep are my two biggest triggers if I don't sleep I quickly fall into porn because of how tired I am and how little I want to do anything. Stress is a close second. Whenever I deal with a problem, I tend to relapse. I feel rather weak because I don't even seem to have it as bad as others do, but I am making this addiction worse. It has definitely gotten worse over these past 2 years. I don't have too much of a problem with women, but this has become such an emotional dependency that it has really affected my interest in women. I am hoping by tracking this I can move forward.

Yes, they are common triggers for people. The short explanation is this: We use PMO as a cope and those things that you've mentioned are emotional discomfort. We don't know how to deal with this. We've conditioned ourselves to run to porn every time something affected us emotionally. It could be even something smaller as being bored, cause being bored is a discomfort on its own (not as big as stress and stuff like that but still boredom is not fun). I, too, have problems with being tired. I work in shifts and it's happened a few times already to come from work in the morning, go to sleep, wake up after 3 hours and feel crazy craving for porn. Last time when this happened, I barely survived. I was this close. I talked about it on my journal. When I am tired, I lose control. I become more anxious and this amplifies my urges. I understand what you mean by making things worse without seemingly no reason. But I guess this is how addictions work. Things go well but we return to the chaos. That's because this addiction has a big control over us right now and it will take time until we get back the control.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2019, 09:42:47 AM »
Glad to hear from you, the lack of sleep and being tired, god that is the worst. Working in shifts has gotta be rough. I am hoping that I will make it to two weeks this time. I guess I should be saying I really hope this is the last time. I think i need to prepare myself for some serious insomnia if i am gonna get through this because it is not realistic to be rested always. I guess it all depends on how we cope with it.

wecandoit

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2019, 10:27:17 AM »
Glad to hear from you, the lack of sleep and being tired, god that is the worst. Working in shifts has gotta be rough. I am hoping that I will make it to two weeks this time. I guess I should be saying I really hope this is the last time. I think i need to prepare myself for some serious insomnia if i am gonna get through this because it is not realistic to be rested always. I guess it all depends on how we cope with it.

Night shift is the hardest because I come home and I don't have a continuous sleep, I wake up in the middle of it with a hard craving for porn. This is one of my difficulties right now in dealing with this addiction. It's not that easy as I can't command my brain to sleep for 8 hours straight just like that. But yes, things are not perfect. Sometimes we don't have control over certain moments. I'm trying to get to 2 weeks now, starting tomorrow cause today is fucked, I just binged. 

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2019, 11:54:23 PM »
That shift work is definitely taking a toll on you. if you have the opportunity, getting a consistent schedule would help  a lot because it seems like you have other things under control. If I do relapse, I try not to binge now. I am trying Around the days that i will usually binge to be not allowed to use my computer or my phone internet.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2019, 07:28:14 AM »
Day 3

I woke up with a cold which is fine annoyed I can't work out though. Overall, this has been a pretty bad day. My ex-girlfriend told me I was incapable of loving someone for a long time and the reason why it hurt so much is because she didn't even intend it to hurt, like she was simply stating a fact. I have had no urges at all maybe little flashes of porn scenes that I banish quite quickly, but overall no real desire to go to pmo even though I feel like complete shit after that conversation with her. I had cheated on this girl but we got back together for a year and just last month we broke up over her plan to study in the U.K. I have had bad usage of p for 2 years, rarely going beyond 5 days. Today, I just read a lot of guys journals on here and I gotta say a lot of you should be very proud. You may not be fully out, but a lot of you're dealing with very serious  issues and doing everything you can to be free of them. Seeing how much progress some of you have made, made me question if I was ever serious about quitting p. I know it is bad for me and I know it is likely leading to this accelerated hair-loss, but seeing how some of you are dealing with PIED and you're managing to go months without pmo-ing is really impressive and shows me there is a lot more I could be doing. Boredom seems to be the primary problem because I don't really deal with the kind of anxiety or depression the guys on here deal with that might be because I used to be addicted to cutting. I used to cut a lot to cope and I have scars all over my body as result so I don't get anxious or depressed very often because I spent a long time dealing with those feelings and that sort of thing doesn't have that control over me, but it seems like generalized stress is a huge trigger for me and i need to find a way to handle that. I really should do scheduling to eliminate the boredom issue because that seems to be the primary trigger if guys who have serious pied and anxiety issues can find the discipline to schedule I should be doing that too. Tomorrow will be my fourth day. This is when it starts to get quite hard and I get sneaky urges that are like hey maybe you should type this in etc. search for this etc. Tomorrow I plan to do a some physical therapy for my leg, practice piano, practice my drawing also, and hopefully hang out with a friend. I want to be able to go back to kickboxing soon because my dream is to be professional in China with that and I know p is messing up that dream so much.

(Possible Triggers)

I had read another guy's post today about finding out why you specifically like porn. For me the thing that has come up consciously is some odd desire to see a bunch of attractive women naked and f***d etc. Where did this desire come from is it even really what leads me to using p. It is so odd when I think about it, but honestly I can't help but feel like it is one of the biggest reasons like underneath things my mind is like well if you give this up you won't be able to see an infinite amount of hot women that normally would actually take effort to have and of course this leads into a relapse. This is something i have noticed after edging for a very longtime. I have also developed disgusting fetishes gangbang and dp. My last binge moved me a little towards bdsm. I am a bit disturbed already by the fetishes I have developed. I don't want more. I think at the heart of my pmo is an insecurity like most that I would never be able to have these things normally, but A. that isnt exactly true that I am unable B. is far more important, what I am having through porn is real anyway. It isn't real being with those women is not me. I am not there, but my god, my mind sure feels like it. so what I am really saying when I desire porn is that I desire me watching through a computer or a phone of other people having sex. I want to keep doing that and when I frame it like that I can't figure out why i want to, maybe it is as simply as it being easy.

wecandoit

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #8 on: December 06, 2019, 12:01:51 PM »
That shift work is definitely taking a toll on you. if you have the opportunity, getting a consistent schedule would help  a lot because it seems like you have other things under control. If I do relapse, I try not to binge now. I am trying Around the days that i will usually binge to be not allowed to use my computer or my phone internet.

Yes, the night shift can become a problem but if I survive without relapsing, then everything is good. I mean, of course I didn't relapse following every night shift but this period lately has been crazy. I've been more depressed and anxious. Mental strain is definitely a big trigger for me.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #9 on: December 06, 2019, 09:08:15 PM »
The Enchiridion by Epictetus helped me the most dealing with anxiety and depression. I really feel you on the sleep aspect and it seems like that is the main thing we have to choose to suffer so we can finally let go of this addictive coping habit.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #10 on: December 07, 2019, 09:50:44 AM »
Day 4
Had a good day, practiced a lot of piano and kickboxing. Also, hung out with friends. Had some minor urges when watch a tv show.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #11 on: December 07, 2019, 11:46:18 PM »
Day 5
Woke up still sick. Probably due to the fact an alarm was going off at 5am for 2 hours waking me up early and keeping me up. I have not had any urges really. I slightly paranoid because this a common day I screw up and relapse. Maybe, it is because I have less energy from the cold that I don't have as many urges so I need to be prepared when I finally get over this. I had some odd dreams the other night like maybe paranoi about pmo. I am having trouble remembering them. Today, I can practice piano and my drawing maybe some kickboxing, but I feel quite sick. Since, I have woken up, I probably have stayed too long in bed watching tv. This can be dangerous because my mind has associated watching tv with pmo and also reading online with that. If I do relapse again, I am going to try and relapse in a way that breaks the association with normal habitual things and instead attach it to a useless habit. Right now, I am feeling very wary because I have never really gone 1 month on my own with my willpower and this worries me. The idea is to think of this as the last time, but I am very diffident in this regard and I feel like that is a lie..I want to leave this stuff behind, but I feel scared that I am just saying that.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #12 on: December 09, 2019, 09:36:49 AM »
Day 6
Today went by pretty quickly. It was the ex's birthday. We slept together so I need to be careful about the chaser effect afterwards. I had some really odd mind-numbing urges at times throughout the day. It was like a spout of like "you really should go do this" a little painful actually because it would flash in my brain like a severe itch that should be scratched. Tomorrow will be a week. I am excited to finally be at a week again after so long.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #13 on: December 10, 2019, 08:13:51 AM »
Day 7
The day is almost coming to a close. Work was a little stressful. I didn't have any urges and no visible chaser effect.
I am happy to be done with a week. This forum does make quitting easier to an extant. I had always tried to quit on my own and I never got very far. I am happy now that I got to a week easy enough. I am excited to start my next week. I am hoping to do the rest of December pmo free. I am worried than though that I cannot do it because I have failed a lot in the past. I think after a month things will get much easier. Because I am so tired of the time waster that is p and the horrible effect it is having on my brain. I am happy I have never gotten PIED and I want to get rid of this bad habit once and for all.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #14 on: December 10, 2019, 11:52:45 AM »
Looking good man keep up the good work! Being afraid and not fully confident about quitting is actually a GOOD place to be. Often times feelings of "I am good now, I don't need to worry" lead to people "playing with fire" putting themselves in bad situations and not making it. So it can be good to have a healthy paranoia about it.

For both of you guys, I feel you on the sleep thing. I realized that simply a decision must be made, some nights NO sleep will happen. IT has to be embraced. Just making the decision in advance "Okay if I have to not sleep at all to get through a given night, I won't sleep at all". Simple as that. I used to often relapse laying in bed trying to fall asleep while having an urge. That commonly lead to that waking up with massive urges thing as well. When the decision that not sleeping is okay and won't kill me and that avoiding PMO comes before sleep, it makes it a lot easier.

Plus I always tell myself "IF I stay up for hours and barely sleep to beat this urge tomorrow I will feel GREAT, it'll be a great day!". It oddly tends to be true. Finally I read Arnold Schwarzenegger's book, he was in the army when he was younger and he said the best thing about it, was it taught him you could not eat for a few days or not sleep at all for a night and still perform at a high level.

Obviously sleep is good but we can totally handle the occasional sleepness night. Back in the day people had to wake up in the middle of the night to fight bears and lions and shit or to fight battles when they were attacked at night (often the battles continued for DAYS) we can handle it.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #15 on: December 10, 2019, 09:57:29 PM »
I appreciate knowing that I am making proper steps and your support. Thanks for reminding me about sleep. I always used to worry about not being able to function well as a result of lack of sleep. Last night, I mo'ed because I was so anxious from what I am not sure. I am not happy I did, but I don't consider it a relapse because my goal is no p. Overall though, I don't want moing to become a habit in the same way p was to make myself  relax or another coping mechanism.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #16 on: December 10, 2019, 11:57:50 PM »
I totally feel you on the sleep thing! I used to always worry about not getting enough... funny when I stopped worrying about it, other then when urges get in the way, (or in the past fucking lame ass clown pmo bullshit), I generally fall asleep really easily.

Dale Carnegie in his book "How to stop worrying and start living" has an awesome chapter entitled "How to stop worrying about insomonia". The cliff notes are, man if you get to the point where lack of sleep is really going to affect your health, you WILL fall asleep. Our bodies just work that way. So don't sweat it, if you can't sleep just accept it. Then he had stories of people who had bad insomonia and just accepted it and literally got themselves additional college degrees by just accepting not sleeping and studying late at night, and they were no worse for wear.

Yeah avoiding PMO is priority number one. But I'd advise avoiding MO as much as possible too. I was given the same advice awhile ago and then I learned for myself that MO was a big problem (at least for me- I guess people's recovery's differ) that was just my experience.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #17 on: December 11, 2019, 02:52:36 AM »
I agree on the MO thing also. I don't count it as a relapse necessarily, but I in no way think it is a good.
For at least for the first month,
1. No pmo
2. No peeking
3. Avoiding artificial stimuli in general
4. Fantasy/Mo
I consider peeking a relapse and intentionally seeking out other artificial stimuli also. The only kid of fantasy I can do is of a previous sexual counter that doesn't resemble p. I hope after this month to get rid of mo also. Right now, I don't have a habit with just mo alone, but regardless it is nothing good to engage in. I am trying to limit any o's to four times a month or so.


k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #18 on: December 11, 2019, 08:16:39 AM »
Day 8
Had a good day did not sleep well the night before. I wished I worked out but I chose to hang out with this girl instead. I am excited to be starting my new week. The support really helps. Humans are social and we need the support of a group to get us through hard stuff at times. I can't wait to find out how I feel after a  month.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #19 on: December 11, 2019, 05:18:55 PM »
I totally support your thoughts on MO. For you it's not a huge issue, but being careful about it so it doesn't become one. Sounds good to me.

Glad to hear you had a good day! Support is great for sure, it really can make all the difference. It gives these constant little boosts and increased awareness that adds up to being just incredibly helpful.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #20 on: December 11, 2019, 08:39:28 PM »
I totally support your thoughts on MO. For you it's not a huge issue, but being careful about it so it doesn't become one. Sounds good to me.

Glad to hear you had a good day! Support is great for sure, it really can make all the difference. It gives these constant little boosts and increased awareness that adds up to being just incredibly helpful.

Yea, I have tried quitting alone for 2 years and haven't been able to. I wish I had come on here earlier. The support really makes a big difference. It is also place where we can actually talk about where we are going through because society offers us no outlet or support in this regard. Also, personally for me, seeing guys that deal with PIED and they have pushed past it where they have this under control is very encouraging.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #21 on: December 13, 2019, 08:59:49 AM »
Day  9 & 10
Not too much happened didn't get good sleep for a variety of reasons. I feel good about this streak. I want to believe I am completely done with p because comparatively speaking this has been one of the easiest streaks so far. Although, I am still very wary of severe withdrawals and I get the feeling something like that is coming my way around day 14 and day 13. Can't wait to complete my second week.

quitforeverthenwin2

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« Reply #22 on: December 13, 2019, 11:21:51 AM »
Keep it up man! The way to keep things moving and have it move as smoothly as is possible (it is never totally smooth and always can become difficult) is to be vigilant and do all the little things that are helping you!

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #23 on: December 13, 2019, 03:19:35 PM »
Keep up the great work, especially be resilient in your positive mindsets/routines when/if the PMO withdrawal symptoms become heavy.

k-fff

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Re: First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.
« Reply #24 on: December 14, 2019, 10:54:09 AM »
Day 11
Today went by smoothly enough. Noticing a big uptick in my urges though. I think i am gonna start getting bad urges soon.