Author Topic: Recovery is an incredible process  (Read 8042 times)

faenoe

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #50 on: March 23, 2020, 07:33:47 PM »
Every success starts with day 1. It doesn't matter if the streak is short now because you need to start with 5 days to get to a lot more. Patience is very important. Also determination and keeping in mind that there is a day in the future when everything will be over. But be prepared because this addiction is sneaky. Things could be alright today but tomorrow the withdrawal could hit you really hard, the craving could get unbearable and this is when your determination is tested. I'm close to a month without searching or watching/looking at porn or porn subs. But I've had 3 days when I almost fell. I don't know if it applies to everybody but I feel that I had to follow a textbook approach with my addiction if I want to succeed. There is no room for even small mistakes. I can't count how many times I've relapsed after engaging in something "small and harmless". I had to remember that I felt better since the last binge, I had to keep in mind where I wanted to be. There is no place for an addiction in the life that I want to live from now on. This addiction dragged me down too much. Good luck, man.

You're totally right about porn addiction being sneaky. For this reason I have decided to adopt the sentiment that any artificial sexual stimulation is porn. If you do the same, there won't be anything "small and harmless" because all of that material, no matter how "bad" it seems, is sought after for one reason: artificial sexual stimulation to release dopamine.

DAY 7
Kicking back another day over here! I just made it through a pretty intense urge whose origin I was able to pinpoint: stress. This is the only consistent trigger that I have been able to identify through my years of addiction. It's probably shared among many of you. I am working on my end-of-semester project and it is pretty difficult. I frequently get the urge to look at porn when I am stressed. But instead of looking at porn I decided to apply myself and work through the problem I was having. This is the healthy response to stress that I want to train my brain to turn to when it encounters stress. It was a pretty tough battle but now the urge is gone.

Putting another battle behind me.

faenoe

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #51 on: March 27, 2020, 01:41:04 PM »
DAY 12

Wow I did not realize how many days had gone past since last being on here. The days go by so fast when you go to school, work, and do homework all from the same spot.

I am still fighting off urges but mostly just the desire to look at porn. I don't know that that will go away anytime soon. I mean, girls are attractive to guys. But I had a really weird night, I couldn't really sleep (I almost never have this problem except when I am super stressed) and the little sleep I did get didn't leave me feeling refreshed; I woke up in a similar bad mood that I went to sleep in yesterday. I will have to be extra vigilant today to protect myself from losing my goals.

Here's to another day of leaving all this garbage behind me!

faenoe

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #52 on: March 30, 2020, 11:17:44 PM »
DAY 15

Hey guys, just checking in for today. I had a really weird dream last night that left me in a really high-tension mood when I woke up. For a split second I felt the urge to look at porn to relieve the tension. I know that is one of my triggers but I let go of it, took a shower, and went to work (oh yeah, to my desk lol).

It was a good weekend. I started reading a really good book yesterday that made me really grateful for all that I have, my goal to quit porn being one of those things.

One day at a time.

faenoe

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #53 on: April 01, 2020, 03:05:55 PM »
DAY 17

I'm still on the train boys. I feel like I have made it completely out of any chaser effects since I last relapsed a couple weeks ago. However, I know that for me I often fall to this monster when I'm not getting hit with super strong urges. It is usually a small urge that eventually just gets through (because there are millions of them). I'm wary of these, knowing myself and my history.

Leaving PMO one more day further behind me.

faenoe

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #54 on: April 03, 2020, 12:00:21 AM »
DAY 18

Ooof today was a tough one. I was working on my end-of-semester project and got stuck on something. Immediately, I got hit by these extremely powerful urges to PMO. I cannot describe how intense they were. It almost seemed like a life/death experience. Idk how but it was almost like as soon as they were there, they were gone again. My brain is still clearly trying to get me to activate that old neural pathway to get dopamine and relieve itself from stress.

On the flip side, as powerful as the urge was, my resolve to quit porn was stronger. I just kept working on my project and taught myself a little bit more to WORK when I am stressed instead of THROWING MY GOALS AWAY. Feels good to be here tonight with this report.

Jeks

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #55 on: April 03, 2020, 01:21:33 AM »
I can relate to this situation so much. My strongest urges were coming while being frustrated, especially concerning my studies. I wasnt used to handling negative emotions without pmo. Therefore i congratulate you to make it through this. Be aware that it might happen again. Maybe you might want to think about what to do in these situations to deal with the stress. What also helped me was showering, especially cold, when i was just too tired to just keep working.

Keep going faenoe

JB1997

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #56 on: April 03, 2020, 08:27:03 AM »
Faenoe,

Glad you're back on here man - I'm the same way and feel like I have the most success when I'm active on the forum talking with others. Stress is a big thing for me that causes me to want to watch porn, but also specifically when things I feel just aren't going well in terms of dating/personal life. Perhaps maybe that falls under stress as well. Keep it up man!

faenoe

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #57 on: April 03, 2020, 09:37:13 AM »
I can relate to this situation so much. My strongest urges were coming while being frustrated, especially concerning my studies. I wasnt used to handling negative emotions without pmo. Therefore i congratulate you to make it through this. Be aware that it might happen again. Maybe you might want to think about what to do in these situations to deal with the stress. What also helped me was showering, especially cold, when i was just too tired to just keep working.

Keep going faenoe

Thanks Jeks! I can't wait until the urges start becoming less powerful because as well as I was able to make it out yesterday, it's scary nonetheless. I think it's a healthy response to just get up and away from the computer when those feelings return. Put some distance between myself and the place of failure.

Faenoe,

Glad you're back on here man - I'm the same way and feel like I have the most success when I'm active on the forum talking with others. Stress is a big thing for me that causes me to want to watch porn, but also specifically when things I feel just aren't going well in terms of dating/personal life. Perhaps maybe that falls under stress as well. Keep it up man!

Thanks JB1997! I appreciate the support and empathy. It's so hard to not let emotions govern behavior... but I guess that is what discipline is after all!

I'll probably check in again at the end of the day to give myself a goal to make it through the day. Thanks for the love and support guys!

faenoe

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #58 on: April 04, 2020, 12:09:00 AM »
DAY 19

Today has been a wonderful day. I got a lot done on my school work and cleaned my apartment. I made dinner and had a relaxing evening.

I was fighting some urges today about noon time. I tried to keep working on my project to combat the stress but it wasn't working. Too much cortisol building up without an outlet. I decided to work out to get out of the situation. That worked! I was able to relieve the stress via a healthy outlet and I'm feeling pretty good about that. It is going to be a good weekend.

faenoe

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #59 on: April 10, 2020, 07:21:39 PM »
DAY 25

Time goes so fast when you stay at home all day. This week has been surprisingly free from the desire to look at porn. I think it's partially due to two things: I got one of my final projects that was really stressing me out under control, and it has been a few weeks of being clean. I can feel a difference in the power that porn has over me and I haven't really thought about it at all this week. It seems like putting my shoulder the the grindstone has been paying off.

But I want 26 days. So I'll keep on working hard and dealing with my stress in healthy ways. That has seemed like the best way for me to have progress.

anonfromfinance

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #60 on: April 11, 2020, 01:12:22 AM »
Hey man, congrats on 25 days! That's a big deal. Keep up the good work man, you're doing great!

CallousedMind

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #61 on: April 11, 2020, 01:37:30 AM »
DAY 18
I was working on my end-of-semester project and got stuck on something. Immediately, I got hit by these extremely powerful urges to PMO.
Hi Faenoe! Congratulations on your streak, you're doing great!
I have had the same problem a lot of times and it sucks super hard. I'm studying to and whenever I get stuck in a difficult task for more than 5 min my brain tries to get me to watch porn. When I broke my best streak to date (21 days) it was because of this. During this time I haven't figured out "the solution" for this particular problem but I usually I try to be real to myself and say things like (I hope you can get something out of it):
"yeah, this sucks but if you stop now you'll have to do it later and it will suck even more. Also, you're capable of doing things even harder than this! you have done ... (insert something difficult that you have accomplished in the past like getting a good grade in a super hard subject or completing a marathon or whatever that motivates you) so you're capable of anything!"
If you really feel like you need to clean your mind for a moment it's okey to get up and wash your face with some cold water or go to the kitchen and refill your glass of water. I even pick my guitar for 5 min sometimes so I can relax for a moment and enjoy myself.
Stay strong and keep going that great streak!

faenoe

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #62 on: April 13, 2020, 12:24:31 AM »
DAY 27

Thank you both for the encouraging words. It feels good to have the support of this wonderful community. We are all stronger together to celebrate each other's victories, hold each other up when we need help, and dust each other off when we fall. You guys are awesome!

It was a peaceful Easter day. I have stayed at my apartment for almost three weeks now and have had no symptoms of being sick so I decided I would make the journey and go visit my parents. It was great to see them for an evening. Now I stand at the beginning of another week. The focus will gradually shift from school to work as the school year comes to a close and before I begin summer classes. It is hard for me to work full-time but I did it all last summer so I know I can do it. Plus, it will be nice to have the extra money.

The urges to look at porn have gradually weakened. Even when I get spam friend requests from fake porn accounts on Facebook, I am able to delete them without a problem and keep moving. I really hate those though. It's just not something that I think I should need to battle. But that is the reality of life in today's world. Porn is a huge, addictive industry. I am going to be one of the ones who leaves it behind. Forever.

Almost and one month and I couldn't be happier with the things I am learning and the empowerment I feel from dealing with my stress in healthy ways. Don't do anything that will make your recovery more difficult than it already is.

faenoe

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #63 on: April 13, 2020, 11:15:52 PM »
DAY 28

This new week has brought with it a completely different lifestyle. For a couple of weeks, I have respite from the daily stress of having large projects that need to be completed as I have finished everything for the semester. Now I can work. I worked for about 5 hours today and then helped my friend with his homework. Didn't think about porn once today and that feels great. Stress really is my main trigger I think. But I will remain vigilant and not let my guard down. I have relapsed too many time to the cravings that feel small an insignificant. The thing is that consuming any amount of porn lowers my self control and is extremely dangerous because it can easily spark the chaser effect leading into a full-on binge relapse. Not anything I ever want.

achilles heel

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #64 on: April 14, 2020, 03:24:38 PM »
Congrats on 4 weeks and on already gaining the strength to say 'no' easier! The first month is the toughest so you did an amazing job. This weekend I will try to catch up with your whole story, but already saw you abstained 3 whole years which is a background to build upon. You've got the power to change your life!

faenoe

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #65 on: April 14, 2020, 10:19:34 PM »
DAY 29

Thanks achilles! I started this month in a weird place. I didn't even want to stop looking at porn. I didn't start this month after feeling bad after a relapse. I just wanted more. But I can still remember consciously making the decision to stop even though I wanted to look at porn.

It's very interesting that during those three years, I didn't even have the desire to look at porn. However, the thing that got me was returning to my parents house for a week. After living away from home after all that time, my brain didn't have a spot where it knew it was supposed to look at porn. When I returned home, the old habits came flooding back with the old environment. Even in just the one week I was there. Now I have been battling for two years. It just goes to show how much our environments affect our behavior. Change your environment and don't pollute it. Change your behavior and change your life.

faenoe

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #66 on: April 17, 2020, 12:10:36 AM »
DAY 31

By all standards, I have made it through my first month! Recovery is truly incredible. The initial urges that plagued me during the first weeks, that seemed so strong and powerful, never appear anymore. I wondered how I would continue to fight such strong desires but, luckily, the brain is capable of adapting. That is the one major advantage that we all posses. Keep fighting wherever you may be on the journey. If you are able to teach the brain alternative ways of relieving stress, it is amazing what it will do to adapt.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #67 on: April 22, 2020, 07:54:01 PM »
Congratulations on a month, man! It's awesome to see that you're making steady progress. I'm excited to get back to sharing this journey with you in the coming days.

Keep it up!

faenoe

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #68 on: April 23, 2020, 06:32:26 PM »
DAY 38

Thanks Blue, your words means a lot. I relish all of the support from this fantastic community.

These past two weeks have been ROUGH. I remember last summer when I was working full time that life was just hard but I couldn't really remember why. These last two weeks have reminded me why.

I think I have a mental disorder, or maybe just habit of not being able to relax if I know there is work to be done. I finished my classes and hopped right into working full-time. I thought this switch from school to work would bring less stress but it just brings different stress. I can't work harder to get all of my hours in at work. I have to work for x amount of hours to do that.

For some reason I have a hard time falling asleep now (which I can remember from last summer), which has led to half-consciously MO'ing a couple of times. Idk what it is about work. (Luckily?) I am doing classes all summer long so I don't think I will be able to work full-time but we will see.

Porn hasn't even been on my mind over the last week. I had a personal project that I started after I finished all of my hours at work last week and it completely enveloped me all weekend. It was awesome. I felt alive again.

Life is hard mates but I've made it this far and I plan to continue.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #69 on: April 24, 2020, 07:43:16 PM »
Just keep on keepin' on, man. It is definitely a weird time to be working on recovery, but it's also a unique opportunity.

Definitely don't be afraid to take some time to take care of yourself. Working on things is important, but not if it comes at the cost of your mood/well-being. Lately, I have started limiting work to certain hours of the day. It seems like kind of a weird idea, but it has made me more productive during the hours I'm working and has made me not have to worry/feel guilty when I'm being unproductive during my "relaxing" hours. I don't know if that would be helpful for you, but it has helped me to start to find a healthier relationship with the productivity pressure I put on myself.

faenoe

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #70 on: April 25, 2020, 06:13:01 PM »
DAY 40

Blue, as much as I hate admitting this, I think you're right. It doesn't matter how much I want to work and be productive if I don't take time away to do something else. Like right now: I am trying to read for one of my classes that hasn't even started yet (it starts next week), and I find myself getting hit by the inability to focus on it. As much as I'd like to be prepared when my classes start, perhaps a better time to do that would be next week. I think I am going to go to the store and pick up some ingredients to make some food and do some cooking tonight. That seems like a good way to get me off the computer and doing something better.

Edit: I decided to hop on here because I was getting hit by some urges and knew that here was the best place to go to remind myself what I am doing and what my greater goal is. Thank you all for providing your experiences because they help me every single time I read them.

Much love to all of you and may we all have a porn-free weekend.
« Last Edit: April 25, 2020, 06:19:35 PM by faenoe »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #71 on: April 25, 2020, 08:16:36 PM »
I think that's great that you decided to do some cooking instead of just trying to get ahead, and that you posted here when the urges hit. All good signs of looking for a more sustainable path through life.

It's like the say, your muscles grow when they're resting after the workout. If you never take time to rest, you'll just wear yourself down. Rest is as much a part of productivity as work. Addiction doesn't let us pace ourselves, but real life can be more sustainable when we do.

Plus, cooking is a great way to get your mind off things and to do something good for yourself. I love cooking as a way to unwind from a stressful day.

anonfromfinance

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #72 on: April 26, 2020, 12:02:22 PM »
Hey man, First thing's first, congrats on 40 days! You're doing great, keep it up. If you ever feel the urges, just hop on here, read these posts, and fight the urges.

I read that you mentioned in an earlier post that you didn't actually want to stop looking at porn, you just wanted more. Totally relate to this man. I relapsed a few times after a good 30-40 days earlier this year and then I never felt like stopping either. I just knew I couldn't continue watching porn. It wasn't filling the void, it was creating it. So I'm so glad you took this step. Keep on continuing this path.

I also have a hard time falling asleep. I've been miserable because of not being able to fall asleep especially since I am a man of structure and routine. It irritates the fuck out of me. But I've just realized that it is probably withdrawal (haha thanks to Jeks) and you just gotta find ways to deal with it and not use this as an excuse to relapse. So what I do is I push myself with workouts every day so I'm really exhausted by night. I avoid naps throughout the day (haven't had much success with this myself haha) and I make sure to study as much as I can so that I'm mentally tired too. So find ways to just tire yourself out haha, that's the best you can do. Slowly, this problem will fade away.

Last, I'll leave you with this quote which has helped me these past 7-10 days. "A lot of the time you will find that motivation, energy, and focus come to you after you have begun." So if you ever find yourself procrastinating on a task, or not wanting to read for a class that hasn't begun yet, simply get yourself to sit down and do it anyway. But, most importantly, know that even if you fail after trying IT IS ALRIGHT. Addiction and withdrawal are difficult, so sometimes it is okay for you to not succeed at every task. Practice a little bit of self-compassion because just staying sober every single day is a big accomplishment itself.

faenoe

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #73 on: April 27, 2020, 03:35:07 PM »
I think that's great that you decided to do some cooking instead of just trying to get ahead, and that you posted here when the urges hit. All good signs of looking for a more sustainable path through life.

It's like the say, your muscles grow when they're resting after the workout. If you never take time to rest, you'll just wear yourself down. Rest is as much a part of productivity as work. Addiction doesn't let us pace ourselves, but real life can be more sustainable when we do.

Plus, cooking is a great way to get your mind off things and to do something good for yourself. I love cooking as a way to unwind from a stressful day.

Hey Blue, I have made the decision to limit myself to only working part-time this summer (even though I can work full-time). Your advice has strongly influenced me in making this decision and I thank you for it. I think it will lead to a much healthier summer.

Getting off of the computer was a good decision and I really enjoyed the cooking! I often find myself making the same things every day but I decided to make something I never had before and it was a lot of fun. It seems like a good way to explore new things and do a little self-improvement at the same time.

Hey man, First thing's first, congrats on 40 days! You're doing great, keep it up. If you ever feel the urges, just hop on here, read these posts, and fight the urges.

I read that you mentioned in an earlier post that you didn't actually want to stop looking at porn, you just wanted more. Totally relate to this man. I relapsed a few times after a good 30-40 days earlier this year and then I never felt like stopping either. I just knew I couldn't continue watching porn. It wasn't filling the void, it was creating it. So I'm so glad you took this step. Keep on continuing this path.

I also have a hard time falling asleep. I've been miserable because of not being able to fall asleep especially since I am a man of structure and routine. It irritates the fuck out of me. But I've just realized that it is probably withdrawal (haha thanks to Jeks) and you just gotta find ways to deal with it and not use this as an excuse to relapse. So what I do is I push myself with workouts every day so I'm really exhausted by night. I avoid naps throughout the day (haven't had much success with this myself haha) and I make sure to study as much as I can so that I'm mentally tired too. So find ways to just tire yourself out haha, that's the best you can do. Slowly, this problem will fade away.

Last, I'll leave you with this quote which has helped me these past 7-10 days. "A lot of the time you will find that motivation, energy, and focus come to you after you have begun." So if you ever find yourself procrastinating on a task, or not wanting to read for a class that hasn't begun yet, simply get yourself to sit down and do it anyway. But, most importantly, know that even if you fail after trying IT IS ALRIGHT. Addiction and withdrawal are difficult, so sometimes it is okay for you to not succeed at every task. Practice a little bit of self-compassion because just staying sober every single day is a big accomplishment itself.

Thank you so much anon! This forum has seriously been the key to my success when urges have hit (that's why I hopped on right now, actually). It gets my brain out of the spiraling descent to relapse.

Sleep is one of the things that challenges me most when I can't get it. Like you, I try to keep a schedule and when I find myself lying in bed for hours without sleep it is really hard on me. I am hoping that with my summer classes starting soon, and my (hopeful) return back to a healthy school/work balance, I will be able to get my sleep sorted out.

I am definitely going to need that quote as I start classes again! Thank you for sharing that with me. And thanks for the reality check too about the accomplishment each sober day is.

DAY 42

Today I am making the decision to limit myself and my time at work. Even though my brain pressures me to work full-time, I am starting classes this week and I want to look out for my personal health before my perceived financial health. Working part time will provide me with enough money to make it through the summer so I don't need to kill myself earning a marginally increased amount of money working a student job (lol). It felt good to finally write that out and show myself that once I get a real job after university, I will laugh at how much I worried about getting more hours in at work. I'm gonna go read for my class tomorrow!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« Reply #74 on: April 27, 2020, 07:33:16 PM »
It's awesome to hear that you're making the decision to go a little easier on yourself with work and that you're feeling good about it!

When all this quarantine stuff started, I definitely gave myself a hard time for not being super productive. But how could I be? To start off, there just isn't as much work to do. My mood has definitely improved as I've given myself permission to take it a little easier. Things will get busy again eventually. Busy doesn't mean I'm a better person, just a busier one.

I definitely like thinking about how you'll feel when you get a real job. Some of the things that feel so important right now definitely aren't in the long run.

You're doing great, keep it going!