Author Topic: Recovery is an incredible process  (Read 8103 times)

faenoe

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Recovery is an incredible process
« on: October 06, 2019, 08:07:59 PM »
Here is the beginning of my journal.

I have started with PMO when I was 12 years old. I heard kids talk about masturbating and say things like, "Everyone does it" which I thought was strange because I never had. Well, eventually, I got curious and everything went downhill from there. From the ages of 18 - 21 I went totally without porn. I had never felt better in my entire life. I finally had the confidence to talk to girls and the thought to look at porn didn't even cross my mind.

Obviously, I'm here because my addiction has once again gained control over my life and I want to change that. I want to return to the happiness I felt when I wasn't addicted.

My main trigger is stress. I have conditioned my brain to turn to porn when I am stressed out and I need to find viable alternatives to replace my porn use. Please post suggestions about what you do when when you encounter a trigger. Looking forward to this journey I have started.

February 27 Update: I am back in here because I need the support! I have never had so much success in overcoming PMO than when I was active on this forum. Thank you all for the support you have given me.


« Last Edit: March 21, 2020, 11:57:00 PM by faenoe »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2019, 08:23:10 PM »
Welcome to the group!

Addiction is basically a conditioned response to stress: it lets us escape from the things that give us pain/anxiety/trauma. It's a coping mechanism.

For me, that has meant learning to get at the root causes of my anxiety. Porn isn't the problem, it's a misguided attempt to solve a problem. So when I feel stressed out or depressed, instead of running to porn to feel better, I try to figure out what is really wrong and to work on solving that problem in a healthy way (instead of just avoiding through addiction).

That might be a place to get started. I'm sure you will find and learn many more things as you read other journals and post actively in yours.

Tomorrow is a new, better day!

faenoe

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2019, 09:22:13 PM »
For me, that has meant learning to get at the root causes of my anxiety. Porn isn't the problem, it's a misguided attempt to solve a problem. So when I feel stressed out or depressed, instead of running to porn to feel better, I try to figure out what is really wrong and to work on solving that problem in a healthy way (instead of just avoiding through addiction).

Wow, thanks for the support! Something interesting that I have also read is PMO it is a learning disorder that you have to unlearn. I think my biggest problem with PMO comes when I have a lot of stress and a lot of free time where I feel like I can put stressful things off because I usually relapse on days where I don't have class.

Daily Update:
Today is my first clean day with this journal and it feels great! This morning I had strong urges to view what I did yesterday but I stayed busy while getting ready for the day and then left the apartment as soon as I could. I noticed that as soon as I was outside the urges were gone and my brain was thinking about work and school.
« Last Edit: October 07, 2019, 09:30:58 PM by faenoe »

squid

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2019, 10:23:49 PM »
Welcome dude!  Here's a quote that's been very very helpful.  "You are who you are, you are what you are, because of what has gone into your mind"

In it's simplest form, a reboot is not putting pmo in your mind and putting something else in there to help you become who you want to be.

Chuck Shurley

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2019, 04:17:05 AM »
From the ages of 18 - 21 I went totally without porn. I had never felt better in my entire life. I finally had the confidence to talk to girls and the thought to look at porn didn't even cross my mind.

Yes! I started PMO when I was about 12 too, and my life deteriorated from there. Before that, as a kid, I used to feel so calm and clear headed, and I was hugely popular too in primary school (no idea what the term in the US is).

Although I'm only 2 weeks in, I'm trying to view stress triggers as a form of energy, and I try and change the energy, even if it's watching a favourite TV show of mine, or listening to some music. As long as it calms me down.

I am also taking supplements to help deal with physical stress (licorice root and ashwagandha). Might be worth looking into for the early stages of the reboot.

faenoe

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2019, 08:30:34 AM »
Welcome dude!  Here's a quote that's been very very helpful.  "You are who you are, you are what you are, because of what has gone into your mind"

In it's simplest form, a reboot is not putting pmo in your mind and putting something else in there to help you become who you want to be.

I have totally experienced that! Anytime where I have the craving for PMO, there is almost no way of resisting it unless I physically move myself away from the computer. Our brains like to get stuck in loops until we either do something else or fall for what's in the loop.
Although I'm only 2 weeks in, I'm trying to view stress triggers as a form of energy, and I try and change the energy, even if it's watching a favourite TV show of mine, or listening to some music. As long as it calms me down.

I am also taking supplements to help deal with physical stress (licorice root and ashwagandha). Might be worth looking into for the early stages of the reboot.
Well done on 2 weeks my friend! I haven't gone that long in a very long time but I think this journal will help me reach my goals. I believe you're thinking of elementary school in the US. I have found music helpful for me as well. It seems to be able to break the cycle sometimes, especially if I'm stressed.

I haven't ever considered taking a supplement to help with stress. I'll have to do some research. Thanks chuck!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #6 on: October 08, 2019, 07:08:17 PM »

Wow, thanks for the support! Something interesting that I have also read is PMO it is a learning disorder that you have to unlearn. I think my biggest problem with PMO comes when I have a lot of stress and a lot of free time where I feel like I can put stressful things off because I usually relapse on days where I don't have class.

That's definitely true! Our brains learn that PMO is a good way to deal with problems, so we have to be deliberate about unlearning that and developing new habits of mind.

Days off can be especially dangerous. For me, it really helps to have a to-do list and a schedule for every day, especially the days off. That way, I can be sure that I'm using my time and not just setting myself up for a relapse because I have nothing else to do.

Keep going!

faenoe

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #7 on: October 08, 2019, 11:28:47 PM »
Days off can be especially dangerous. For me, it really helps to have a to-do list and a schedule for every day, especially the days off. That way, I can be sure that I'm using my time and not just setting myself up for a relapse because I have nothing else to do.
Keep going!

I think the to-do list is a good idea. I always feel like I know what stuff I need to get done but I haven't actually ever made a list. I'll give it a try for Thursday.

Today is day 2 clean. I didn't really have any urges today but I had a good project I was working on for the entire time after work and class. That made a huge difference. I think I am going to try and get as much stuff done as I can tomorrow so I don't have to spend time in my apartment on Thursday when I don't have class. If I'm not home, I'll stand a much better chance of another clean day.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #8 on: October 09, 2019, 05:39:31 PM »
Sounds like a great day 2!

It's definitely true that we won't get as far if we only focus on quitting PMO. The real trick is putting our focus on building a better life. If we spend all our time focusing on not relapsing, we're still spending all our time thinking about PMO. If we spend our time focusing on getting out and doing good things, then PMO will be far from our thoughts.

Keep it up!

faenoe

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2019, 01:37:57 PM »
Well, I've made it to Saturday clean. Historically, Saturdays have been particularly challenging because I like to get all of my homework that is due during the weekend/on Monday done by the end of the day Saturday. High stress and a lot of self-motivation required to stay productive during my otherwise free day. I am doing research for homework right now and doing my best to stay on task.

The past week has been good otherwise! It has been very stressful with exams and studying but I'm making it through. I went downtown with a couple of buddies last night and went to an underground open-mic night. It was good to spend the night doing something with friends even though I knew I had a lot of studying to do. Plus, can't PMO when I'm with my friends.

I'm almost to one week. A small achievement for some but a great one for me!

Rebooter2019

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2019, 04:07:02 PM »
Welcome faenoe,

Here you will see a lot of different background linked together by at least one thing and this is PMO addiction. Something I came to realize, while reading journals and articles/researches on addiction, is that it is a life condition. With a good strategy and a lot of willpower you will get out of it, but once out you still need to be careful about "the old demon" like they say. You're not out and that's it! It can come back if you don't learn know what you feel and why you feel that way so you can do something about it!


I not saying that to demoralize anyone, quite the opposite. If that warning can help anyone avoid a relapse after months or years of cleaness because they think they are safe, it's well worth it.

Here my friend we will try to give you insight and what worked for us(individualy) we all want each other to be free of this PMO sh*t.

Best of regard, stay strong and welcome again :)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2019, 05:53:15 PM »
Huge congratulations on making it through a week! That's a great accomplishment, and I hope you celebrate (responsibly).

No matter how long or short our streaks are, the only thing that really matters is what we do today. We can't change what happened to us yesterday, and we can't control tomorrow yet. Today, though, is right in the palm of our hand. Each day, just focus on taking care of yourself and getting through the day, one day at a time.

I'm glad you got out with your friends a little too! I also like to get all my studying done on Saturday so I can just take a day off more or less on Sunday, but it can be nice to spend time with other people sometimes. (Plus, like you said, it makes it pretty hard to PMO!)

Keep on going strong for another day!

faenoe

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #12 on: October 14, 2019, 07:25:15 PM »
you still need to be careful about "the old demon" like they say. You're not out and that's it! It can come back if you don't learn know what you feel and why you feel that way so you can do something about it!

This is definitely a reality. I know I have a long way to go so I started identifying my triggers and started eliminating them. Having a long streak and then losing it to something you didn't even go looking for sucks so much. For this reason, I deleted instagram from my phone. I was so sick of getting pm's from e-whoring accounts. So many times, they led me to a relapse. It feels good to be free from the waste of time too.

No matter how long or short our streaks are, the only thing that really matters is what we do today. We can't change what happened to us yesterday, and we can't control tomorrow yet. Today, though, is right in the palm of our hand. Each day, just focus on taking care of yourself and getting through the day, one day at a time.

Thanks BlueHeron. It really is a slow process to live day by day when you're just focusing on not PMO'ing. Like really slow.

I have been fortunate to have a lot to do during the past week and haven't had any free time at all. I spent the entire day Saturday reading research articles and I learned a ton. I didn't have the urge to PMO once. I think the removal of Instagram has been a HUGE stepping stone for me. I'm going to try and keep identifying and removing triggers to give myself the best chance possible.

Thank you all for your support. Carry on brothers.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #13 on: October 14, 2019, 08:22:10 PM »
I think the removal of Instagram has been a HUGE stepping stone for me. I'm going to try and keep identifying and removing triggers to give myself the best chance possible.

This is an awesome step! I definitely had to drop all my social media accounts this year: they just kept dragging me back to relapse, so I decided they weren't worth it. Good for you for getting rid of a source of triggers.

I spent (wasted) a lot of time wishing that I could just do things like normal people, and that prevented me from dropping triggering social media for a long time. It has been really helpful to realize that I can't use other people's "normal" as my guide. Knowing what I know about me and my addictive tendencies, some things that seem "normal" just aren't an option. And I'm finally making peace with that fact. Even if there are benefits to social media, the risk of relapse just isn't worth it.

Keep it up!

faenoe

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #14 on: October 16, 2019, 01:40:46 PM »
It has been really helpful to realize that I can't use other people's "normal" as my guide. Knowing what I know about me and my addictive tendencies, some things that seem "normal" just aren't an option. And I'm finally making peace with that fact. Even if there are benefits to social media, the risk of relapse just isn't worth it.

I appreciate the insight. I am also considering uninstalling my Facebook app (although it hasn't been a source of sexual triggers) for this reason. I don't ever get anything good out of it and I just waste time. Definitely not worth it.

So far, I have been good this week although I did feel kinda burned out yesterday and Monday after getting home from campus. The urges were definitely there but seemed to lack any sort of power to control me. I have my goal and I am going to reach it.

Also as a side note: I love this community. All of the support and the common goal we have makes me feel happy. Just want to say thank you to all who are here sharing your stories.

This has been day 10. Wow that feels good!
« Last Edit: October 16, 2019, 01:50:19 PM by faenoe »

squid

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #15 on: October 16, 2019, 04:06:23 PM »
Thanks for sharing your story too :).  Congratulations on ten days, it keeps getting better.  Keep going!

Cford

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #16 on: October 16, 2019, 04:50:23 PM »
This particular papers fabulous, and My spouse and i enjoy each of the perform that you have placed into this. I’m sure that you will be making a really usefull  I put things off too much

BlueHeronFan

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #17 on: October 16, 2019, 06:57:32 PM »
Congratulations on 10 days! That's an awesome place to be.

Burnout happens, just take some time to rest and collect yourself, and you'll be back at it in no time!

Like squid said, thanks for sharing your experience with us. We're all better off because we have connected with other people fighting this fight.

Keep it going! Here's to an awesome day 11!

faenoe

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #18 on: October 17, 2019, 06:59:32 PM »
I bought some hot chocolate powder last night to take to work since it has been cooling off outside over the past few week. Took it in to work today since we have a hot chocolate machine. It was probably the greatest thing ever. I also got a ton of work done today which felt nice because I felt like I had been in a slump for a while in the project that I'm working on.

I uninstalled the Facebook app from my phone and it hasn't been difficult at all without it. I think the hardest part about addiction is when we remember we have it. Because I uninstalled the app, I don't have the constant notifications and I don't even think about it. It's obviously a lot harder to get some notification and then fight the urge to look and see what it is. When the notifications are gone the urges disappear as well. Just a little insight from my journey.

I had an interview for an internship at a tech company this summer. I think it went alright but I won't be too worried if I don't get it because I am pretty sure I can get another one and the one I really want, I have an interview for next week. That has been my day so far. Hoping to get some more homework done before the end of the day. Keep it real and carry on.

BlueHeronFan

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« Reply #19 on: October 17, 2019, 07:02:15 PM »
I uninstalled the Facebook app from my phone and it hasn't been difficult at all without it. I think the hardest part about addiction is when we remember we have it. Because I uninstalled the app, I don't have the constant notifications and I don't even think about it. It's obviously a lot harder to get some notification and then fight the urge to look and see what it is. When the notifications are gone the urges disappear as well. Just a little insight from my journey.

That's a great insight! There have definitely been things that I have deleted that I thought it would be too hard to live without. But then I deleted them and haven't missed them even once. It's weird how these urges disappear when we get rid of the triggers (not really weird, but it still always seems to catch me by surprise that it works like that).

And three cheers for hot chocolate! Keep it going!

I GET TO

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #20 on: October 19, 2019, 02:21:33 AM »
Good luck on the internship! Hope you get the position. Im just coming to the end of my university career and couldnt be more excited.

faenoe

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #21 on: October 21, 2019, 05:13:37 PM »
The last couple of days have been a whirlwind.

I have been super stressed out over that past three days because of a paper I have to do for my English class. It requires a lot of research and has been taking me forever to make progress on it. But somehow I'm here now. A little closer to finishing it.

I spent most of the day on Saturday being productive and also trying to work on my paper. Didn't do much else. Was just about to go to sleep around 10 on Saturday and then my roommate came home and wanted to go get food so I went with him. I ended up going to bed pretty late (for me) at around 1. Sunday I just felt kinda off for the whole day. I was still really stressed about my paper so I tried going to sleep early so I could work on it this morning. Turns out, I could sleep for very long and I ended up waking up at 1:30 AM. Since I wasn't able to fall back asleep I decided I should probably just get up and work on my paper. So I did. And so, I've been up since 1:30 today haha. I guess if my body doesn't want to sleep when I want it to, it won't get any. I should be able to sleep really well tonight though.

Just barely had some pretty strong urges but only for about a minute. It was weird. I know that I don't want to look and porn anymore and I feel ok accepting that. It doesn't have anything I want. So, I decided that instead of looking at porn, I'd get on here and write my past few days out.

Onward and upwards. Pretty sure I'm over two weeks now!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #22 on: October 21, 2019, 09:13:56 PM »
Good stuff! Papers for English classes have a way of taking over. Congratulations on getting it done!

It's also great that you're dealing with urges with such a cool head. You're exactly right that porn doesn't have anything to offer you. The urge is a sign that something in your life needs attention and your brain thinks porn will solve the problem. If you use the urge as a sign that you need to do something healthy to take care of yourself, you're on the right track. Glad you posted here instead! Train your brain to use the internet for good instead of for addiction!

faenoe

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Re: TOTAL CHAOS
« Reply #23 on: October 27, 2019, 12:37:37 AM »
Dear friends,

I spent the entire day working on my research paper and now I have a complete first draft. I was going to wait until tomorrow to post but I decided to hop on real quick and give an update. It has been a stressful week. I had another interview with a company I want to intern with and I have otherwise been doing homework.

This morning, I went to work out and mid way through my workout, this girl came in and started running on the treadmill. After she was done running, she asked me what my name was. It was really cool. I thought she was pretty cute and she seemed to match my level of maturity. I think it would be cool to ask her on a date.

Anyways, there's my update. Oh yeah, still going strong btw. I think I had some urges yesterday but they don't seem nearly as powerful as they used to. Living life without porn is so wonderful. Thanks for you love and support. Peace.

BlueHeronFan

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« Reply #24 on: October 27, 2019, 06:53:54 PM »
Sounds like a great report! Huge congratulations for getting a first draft done, that's awesome!

I think it would probably would be cool to ask her on a date. Why not make it happen? I got some good advice just recently to see dating as a practice. Whether it works out with a particular person or not, it all gives you experience and prepares you for the day when you eventually meet someone you'll spend a long time with. Give it a shot!

I'm glad to hear you're going strong still. Just keep on going, one good day at a time!