Journal , almost a year of rebooting

[Habit42]

My story is a bit different. At least i think so.
Started watching porn since i was 9, because my twin brother exposed that to me. Used to watch it like a maniac since.
At that time we watched porn together and some time played what we saw. Those playings really hurted me emotionally and mentally and i struggled HOCD ( which i only found out recently).
Im 23 years old now , after 8 months of therapy during 2018, recently came back from a big trip in New Zealand and Australia.
In October 2018 i decided to reboot, going hard mode. I didnt rrally watched porn since the end of 2016, but i did relapsed adter, but i was okay with not watching completely since ive done that. I havent fapped for around 11 months ( since October 2018),
I did have sex with a girl once during my trip, which was after i went NoFap and reboot for like 6-7 months. I was really noticing a different because my Penis was dead meat after the first time we did it , took long to get it back for the second time ( i have premature ejaculations problem..)
The thing now is i got back home and i got back to fap a bit.
Ive been stopping for a few days, and i had a wet dream last night , which also happend the first time i stopped in October. Its weird , it happend at least 4 more times. Its like my mind is craving it and its looking for a way to get that feeling.
Im a bit lost. Im not watching porn , and i will never watch it again , im a 100 precent sure about that , its completey out of my system craving wise ( my thought's are still some time porn related, but if you read the beginning, i started watching at age 9, unfortunately).
I dont know if to keep going with NoFap or the do it once in a time. I can definitely say that i used to Fap in really weird conditions, going to the toilet during work, out of bordem , trying to sleep. It really felt like its part of the addiction and felt really connected to porn , so i stopped. But now im not sure if to continue that path. The reason i broke the NoFap was because i was horny and i couldnt resist my emotions, so i fapped and thought about sexual experiences i had with a girl i dated , tried to not connect it to the porn induced thoughts i used to masturbate to. I have anexity , that is. I guess has something to do with porn , but im really stressed now that im home. I feel like i want a serious relationship, but sometime i think its only sex cravings with no emotion. Im just sharing my thoughts here, ill keep posting in the next few days. Feel free to help and comment, and god bless if my writing helps someone..

[BlueHeronFan]

Welcome to the forum, man. This is the place to get help and support!

People have different opinions, but I definitely feel like masturbation is part of the problem for me. It's all the same addiction, whether porn is involved or not.

I think the fact that you mentioned anxiety is important. For me, porn and masturbation have been ways for me to escape the fears and anxieties that I feel in life. Because they give us a rush of pleasure, they make us forget our problems for a little while, and that can be addictive. Any time we use porn or masturbation to escape negative feelings, we're using it addictively. So for me, I had to cut it out of my life completely.

Anyway, keep going strong! No matter where you are in your recovery, better days are ahead!

[Habit42]

Thank you for the answer man.
Actually i have some troubling days now, looking for a job , im really making a big deal out of which job to find to get money back i spent on my trip, and i dont know if just to get a regular allot of hours + allot of money job like being a waiter or something or ti find something that would be good for my resume in the future, like a junior job at high-tech or something which is really hard. It gets me into allot of pressure and everyone says they're own opinions , friends family etc and i feel l like im about to explode from pressure. Im lying in bed right now and i havent thought about for a dew days but i really want to fap. Just to calm down and get me out of the pressure, until ill get the job. Man its hard, such an easy way out. I have no porn cravings thats off the table completely, but fapping is something that all though i managed to keep off for 11 months, i struggle with again. Writing here, this journal , when i have those cravings, helps. Its amazing to see how this thing influenced so many guys , all good well educated and normal people , who just been in the wrong place at the wrong time exposed to this thing called pornography. Its amazing how this thing has such a strong influence on my brain connected to everything about sexuality , relationships, sex , women , and man ... Even pressure and mental conditions ! Its hard to disconnect from this crazy sexual world were living in , especially when people think that the problems were dealing with are not real or just healthy sexual lifestyle. Obviously its not true , otherwise we wouldn't be here writing and conflicting the problems were all having. As i keep seeing people with the same symptoms , mind set , and problems that i faced , i feel better. I feel more normal . I feel more accepted. I feel more like a man. I believe allot of my social fears , which are mainly under the surface , are connected in some way to the perception that porn gave me on life at such a young age. The longer i write here , the further away i get from breaking my reboot.
I will update more when ill have new things to say. Mean while , be inspired and RoCk ON!

[Free-man]

Welcome Habit42!

As BlueHeronFan said, porn and masturbation are a way to escape of our life problems and we have to learn how to face those problems (fears, anxieties, depressions, loneliness, sadness, …) without porn and masturbation.

I want you read this:
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change-recovery-from-porn-addiction/rebooting-advice-observations-from-successful-rebooters/my-thoughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post/

Here a litlle excerpt:
Porn is not the reason you’re a procrastinator. Porn is not the reason you’re depressed. Porn is not the reason you’re lonely. Porn is not the reason you haven’t been able to lose weight or gain muscle.

Porn is the symptom.

You watch porn to escape reality. You watch porn to manage your emotions. You watch porn because you’re bored, lonely, stressed, depressed, angry, isolated. You watch porn to feel good for a moment, to replace uncomfortable emotions and situations in your life.

I must read this article because it's totally right.
In my case, I'm on my 67 day of reboot , but I'm doing it wrong. Because what really I'm doing is abstinence, and this is not recovery.

Stay strong!

[Habit42]

Welcome Habit42!

As BlueHeronFan said, porn and masturbation are a way to escape of our life problems and we have to learn how to face those problems (fears, anxieties, depressions, loneliness, sadness, …) without porn and masturbation.

I want you read this:
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change-recovery-from-porn-addiction/rebooting-advice-observations-from-successful-rebooters/my-thoughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post/

Here a litlle excerpt:
Porn is not the reason you’re a procrastinator. Porn is not the reason you’re depressed. Porn is not the reason you’re lonely. Porn is not the reason you haven’t been able to lose weight or gain muscle.

Porn is the symptom.

You watch porn to escape reality. You watch porn to manage your emotions. You watch porn because you’re bored, lonely, stressed, depressed, angry, isolated. You watch porn to feel good for a moment, to replace uncomfortable emotions and situations in your life.

I must read this article because it's totally right.
In my case, I'm on my 67 day of reboot , but I'm doing it wrong. Because what really I'm doing is abstinence, and this is not recovery.

Stay strong!

Just finished reading this, man , THIS IS THE TRUTH!
Although i truly believe that im in a better place because i havent watched Porn for a long time, definitely still feeding it and this mentality of rebooting looks like what GABE and rebooting in the beginning was really meant to be done.
Im a full head of steam on this article right now, going to memorize everything and start thinking by improving and achieving my life goals than to be in pain and misery over how bad i feel or how fucking lazy i am!
Thank you so much man for this article, really inspired me.

[Lero]

I must read this article because it's totally right.
In my case, I'm on my 67 day of reboot , but I'm doing it wrong. Because what really I'm doing is abstinence, and this is not recovery.

Stay strong!

I know the article. I've read all the articles. I'm one of the guys with a "library of articles" in my mind. I'm constantly on the "advice from successful rebooters" section from yourbrainonporn (which, by the way, everybody should be there daily).

About that article, I understand what he says about abstinence. Unfortunately, I didn't have many chances to do it differently either but now I'm trying to move out and get a new job. I hope it happens soon. After this I have some plans for my life. 

[Habit42]

I must read this article because it's totally right.
In my case, I'm on my 67 day of reboot , but I'm doing it wrong. Because what really I'm doing is abstinence, and this is not recovery.

Stay strong!

I know the article. I've read all the articles. I'm one of the guys with a "library of articles" in my mind. I'm constantly on the "advice from successful rebooters" section from yourbrainonporn (which, by the way, everybody should be there daily).

About that article, I understand what he says about abstinence. Unfortunately, I didn't have many chances to do it differently either but now I'm trying to move out and get a new job. I hope it happens soon. After this I have some plans for my life.

What he says in the article is hard to put together, and hard to practice and stay in line with, but if you think about ot at the moat simplified way - its about your life. If you put the goal of improving and bringing meaning to your life , you will forget about porn. I can say without any doubt that when im busy , with something steady and planned going in my life , im a different person completely. Now i dont have a job and but i have a plan , but things are still going slowly, so my mind is aet on the small things that during busy-working-goal oriented time of my life i wouldnt be even thinking about , and that's the secret.
Keep pushing man , i know i will , i dont have any other choice , i WANT to live a full life of meaning and happiness.

[Habit42]

Its been a week ? maybe more , i guess, i dont really know, but its been a certain amount of time since the last time i masturbated.
As i mentioned, i already made it up to 11 months of NoFap, i had a few small relapses but now im back on track, trying to clean myself from this behavior again. Im porn free for more than a year, a few months more than a year.
Still, i cant clear my mind or change the perspective and the way i look at women . Im not PMOing, but my mindset still feels the same.
Allot of situations of meeting new girls , even just as friends, almost immediately connects to having sex with them, not regular sex , but like she's a pornstar kind sex, like weird not even realistic things that girls will do. I still feel like a child on that manner.
Plus, i still feel insecure. Pressured, like someone is always judging me, like im supposed to behave a certain way around women and if some opportunity to be with a girls fall upon me, even if i think she's not my type and im not even attracted to her, then my mind tells me i should do something about it, because "that's what guys do". Not until i started to reboot i started thinking to myself how stupid it is ( although still hard to control ) , and i try to start looking at women that i personally like , not that are especially hot, or extremely good- looking, because i found out that in most cases, those girls are either spoiled, mean , or just bitches, and the conception of their look is wrong because they are just not nice persons. off course, it can work the other way around... but im trying to be more honest about my feelings, and not the looks.
For example, yesterday my friend told me about this girl who is not from our country that he met 6 months ago, she came back to visit and he wants us to go out with her, show some company and have fun.
I almost immediately got nervous and stressed and felt like there's a huge weight on me to "hit" on that girl, although no one even mentioned that, i put on my best clothes like im going on a date with her, and up until the point we met, i was really self-conscious. A minute after that, and until the end of that evening, all the people who came there just had a genuine good night, telling stories, laughing, and then my friend just took her home and that's it, nothing special. I felt so stupid afterwards. Couldn't figure out why im so stressed about those things, and it really felt like that mindset of porn, related to those conceptions of girls and society.
Anyone knows, about an article that talks about that? about changing your prespective? the way you think about women and relationships?
Sometime's i feel i cant tell the difference, my mind is such a wreck that i dont know if those are genuine feelings or porn-related ones.

[Habit42]

Moving forward, still have cravings to masturbate, and i still think i need to do better with thoughts and porn-related scenarios in my head.
There is this girl im interested in.
I used to think she is this spoiled brat , with really shallow opinions about this world, but turns out i was judging too fast.
We were talking the other day about thought's, and how it can sometime's or even allot of the times take allot from your day, thinking about stupid things or even overthinking what you want from yourself or over manipulating what you and other's think of you.
I was really impressed, and she's definitely attractive both physically and mentally to me.
We hung out with her and some friends, and they told me they see us together.
But something in my mind feels not ready yet. Fears of commitment, and some other stuff that i used to feel even when i was watching porn.
I dont know how to digest it , but i do want to overcome this and try to have a serious relationship once in my life, im 23 years old goddammit.

[Habit42]

Had a weird wet dream today.
It wasnt really a dream , i was half a sleep and i thought about the action of "entering" a woman , and i just got to an orgasm... It was really weird , like i controlled 50 precent of it, but also dodnt control it. I dont if to call that a relapse.
Im still dealing with misconception of women and sex. My friends talk about sex all the time and a close friend of ours is a ladies man.. he sleeps with tons of women and im sick of hearing that because it makes me feel bad about myself for not seeking that lifestyle, which i know i dont desire.

Does anyone have good advice or article about changing the perspective of a rebooter on women , sex and relationship in general?