Author Topic: Very likely to have a weird combination of venous leakage with pied. (25)  (Read 26275 times)

Jeks

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Bladder definitely got better again for the past 2 days. If it stays like this, i can definitely live with it. Today i gotta continue working on my stuff. I think it will be easier to get over myself with my bladder taking it easy on me.
Had a very calm and chill dream about sex, in which i dreamt about having a full erection. Because it felt so real, i can imagine that i also had a very good nocturnal erection in real life, while i was dreaming about it. Although i have no proof, i think thats a far better sign than dreaming about not achieving an erection, which also oftens happened to me. Also the stuff i was dreamin about was very mild and without fetishes and nontheless i felt aroused.

Jeks

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Lots of sex dreams, no about porn, no crazy fetishes. But one about my ex with the theme of not achieving an erection. Difficult stuff...
Got me thinking about old times and ensured me again, that porn is definitely a key component to my ED.
Whats definitely good is, that i got no real chaser effect and no cravings towards porn, after my attempts to M.
Bladder and study stuff remain difficult.

Jeks

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Had a little progress with my studies and with my bladder. That lifted a bit of weight off my shoulders. There is hope...!

Jeks

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Upcoming two weeks will be very difficult. I find it so hard to act in contrary to my inner doubts and fears. That might be the most difficult about it. This life man... A handful of other decisions in the past and life would have been so different.
Anyway, its not over yet. I can still get out of this.
My bladder got so much better putting things in perspective. Even though i am still sometimes saying, that my bladder has bad days, they are not nearly as bad as half a year ago.
That really will be a necessary requirement for the following weeks to be going okay.
I am making progress. Slowly and draining, but progress nonetheless. I want to be happy and i enabled myself a real shot to get that. Despite of all hopelessness before. I am going to get out of this hole. I am going to be happy.

Jeks

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Good progress today.

First time in a long time, that i am genuinely able to smile. I feel a lot of peace of mind this evening.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2021, 03:42:38 PM by Jeks »

zander13

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Well done sir. Within the next couple months you're going to be golden. I can feel it.

Jeks

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Thanks for the encouragement zander! I hope so...

Yesterday i stumbled over some sexual content on the internet. Closed it immidiately. But at night i had a wet dream about porn.
I dont really mind anymore. I just have to get told by the doctors, that everything is physiologically fine. Then i dont care how long it takes. I will get some rewiring going and everything will be okay.
Got a call by the other doctor, who broke his arm a few months ago. I got a new appointment. Its also in April as the other one.
Got a meeting today with one of my teachers. I hope it will go okay.

Edit: Meeting went well!

Started today again a treatment with the tea, that used to help me a lot with my bladder. Already at day one its as good as gone and i can take it seven more days. Maybe i will be finally able to get rid of this shit!

Noticed today while sitting in the metro, that i am just crazy fixated on body parts. When i see a girl i like, i dont think about experiencing intimacy, but i imagine certain body parts of her or imagine stuff i have seen in porn. This might be obvious to most of you, but i just noticed how far away my idea of having sex is in contrast to reality. Seeing it that way, i noticed today how much lack of libido i actually experience. Because all libido i am feeling is towards unrealistic imaginations.
For example, when i imagine kissing a girl, i find "beautiful", i feel no sexual arousal at all. More so i dont feel pretty much anything. It just needs to be a lot more extreme for me to actually being able to feel something.
« Last Edit: March 17, 2021, 03:32:32 PM by Jeks »

Jeks

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Finally i have got a little momentum. I now have to keep riding the wave. Everything is on a good way, exactly as i envisioned it to keep my hopes alive.
There are now 12 days left of intense studying. On the 30th of March i got to submit a paper and i have my last exam. Before that i have one other exam. I have got to focus now on those three things. I have got to break the remaining patterns of resistance and procrastination. I have enabled myself this chance to get a grip back on life. I now need to make it count! I am close to getting out of the hole!

Jeks

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Yesterday wasnt productive at all. Days like this will happen. I gotta stay with it.

Guys... i think i just had a realization. I am not a 100% sure, but i think i am really addicted to internet use.
I asked myself today, what i can do differently to be able to work better. And one thing, that definitely stood out, was using the internet less. When i was trying that, i realized, that i find it extremely difficult to stay away from it.
Also my use it fits common criterias of addiciton very well. Firstly i have difficulties to stop and i loose control over my use pretty quickly and secondly it definitely has negative effects on me and my life. Also i use it to blur and numb down my emotions and to escape reality. In all that ways it very much reminds me of my porn use in the past. Also the fact, that it seems so innocent and naturell to me, despite the fact, that it has negative effects on me.
It is not the first time i had this realization, but i think i have now the capacity and the head space to really tackle that problem. Who knows, maybe it is also a reason, why the progess with my PIED is going so slow. I am now definitely commited to handle my internet use exactly as i have handled my P use. I already experience some pretty strong cravings just by not going into my daily internet usage routine. At the same time, it feels really like i am burning some demons out of my system. As is said, its all pretty much the same as with my porn usage...

I also hope it will help me with my studying.
« Last Edit: March 19, 2021, 06:05:01 AM by Jeks »

Jeks

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Yesterday was again a bad day studywise. Staying away from the internet did not work at all. But i was journaling yesterday evening and i think, some realizations will get me back on track today.

Edit: went better today, but still not really good.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2021, 01:38:52 PM by Jeks »

Jeks

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The last days were really tough. Feels to me like i managed to do the emergency landing, but now i am in the middle of an island with a crashed plane and i have to find ways to get out of this mess. Yes, my bladder problems are much better, but now i have to somehow manage to get my degree and this will be much tougher than i thought. I have two semsters left and have a little more courses left than it would be normally recommended for two semesters. So yes, it should be possible, but holy crap, this will be tough. This all doesnt even take into account that i am now 20 months without Porn and still have ED.
I just hope so much, that the doctors at the hospital can rule out anything pyhsiological.

It doesnt help to fall back into depression. I made progess and i will fucking do anyrhing to get out of this shit.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2021, 05:33:30 AM by Jeks »

Jeks

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Even though my bladder is much better, every single bad experience makes me feel uneasy. I think, that this has also a lot to do with the fact, that before the whole bladder problem started, my progress with ED seemed to go in the right direction. Since then there were no real good signs anymore in terms of really good morning wood or something like that.
Anyway, i gotta try to keep hopeful, that this all will disappear. Also the appointment at the hospital will bring more clarity. I just gotta make until then.

I think i now got a pretty good grip on my procrastination. Its not perfect, but i feel like the chance of me getting into action is much higher at the moment.
In two days i have another exam. I am confident, that i will pass that.
I just wanna start feeling good in my life.

Jeks

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Made it through one exam. State of the bladder is improving. Only two weeks left, until going to the hospital. My biggest enemy right now is procrastination. My situation is good enough to be feeling hopeful. So there are bo excuses left. Therefore its now rhe time to get things done.

Jeks

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i am coming back to life the last days. Please just let the bladder problems soon be vanished for good and dont let there be any physiological reason for my ED. I could go from there, no problem.

Jeks

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Finally! This morning i had for the first time in a long time very good morning wood again. That also came together with my bladder feeling much better. That also confirms my assumption, that my bladder problems played a big role in my nocturnal erections being worse. It also makes totally sense. Before the bladder problems started there was an upward trend with my erections. Also when i feel always uncomfortable down there, its obvious, that my body and psyche doesnt really care about having sex.
I hope, that this was the start of my bladder problems going away for good. Because of that happening, i am also feeling much more confident again about my ED being caused by porn, because morning wood seems to finally get back. Still i will go to the hospital to have clarity, but thats definitely a good sign.
For you all out there: Be careful and dont get any type of bladder infection, especially none, that stays for months. It will most probably hinder or hide your progress!

Jeks

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Today was a unbelieveably great day in terms of my bladder being healthy. I hope, that it will stay like this. Because of that, i was able to learnthe whole day. I have my last exam this semester in two days. It will be a very stressful one, because i am not allowed to fail. But at least i am prepare heavily. I am also excited what effect the improved will have on my morning wood situation.

Jeks

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Today is the big day. Normally it should be impossible for me to fail these finals. I have learned for this as i have never learned before. But i start getting nervous a bit. Anyway, i will give my best and that should be enough.
Morning wood situation did not really get better the last days. Hope, that changes soon.

zander13

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Good luck!

Jeks

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Thanks zander, i am a 100% sure i passed.
I am awake at night. Cant really find sleep. Last weeks were intense.
I am on a good way right now. Bladder feels good. Studies going alright. Last thing standin out is finding the cause of my ED. In two weeks i ill have the first appointment at the hospital to find out whats and whats not going on.
I am thankful, that i am, where i am at now.

Jeks

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I do have definitely improved erections in the morning and at night. Its not a daily thing, but erections are stronger.
I am definitely on the right track. Finally some good news. I think the worst is behind me now.
« Last Edit: April 02, 2021, 04:57:45 AM by Jeks »

Jeks

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Feeling pretty good today, again better morning erections than in the last months. I will have a lot to do in the next days. Next semester is starting soon. But if things stay like this, i am at least able to function. This already would be a big improvement.

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Preparations for the upcomming semester have started. In comparison to some months ago there are real perspectives and hope. Morning ections were weak a few days after a wet dream, but  they are coming back. The groundwork is there now. I just have to finish it now.
Bladder is still a little uncomfortable sometimes, but i am able to do everything, i have to do. And it also got so much better already. There is no reason to believe, that it wont get better or even back to normal.

Jeks

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Last days my bladder was a little more up and down again. Fortunately i tried a new treatment, which thus far works very well. Its milk mixed with curcurma. Curcurma is supposed to be incredibly healthy and it seems to be working for me.
Preparations for the semesters are going on. I hope, that i will be able to work with even more determination, when my bladder is staying like this. Because thats also what seems to be necessary.

Jeks

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I finally have found a treatment for my bladder, which is consistent and gives me the feeling, that i will be able to live with it. Day by day i feel like it gets better.
But whats really crazy about it: also my erections are improving day by day. I would say, there are even moments, im which i am getting very close to a 100%. Its only seconds, but it is major progress in contrast to before.
I fucking had that feeling, that my bladder problem was hindering my progress with rebooting. Thats why it fucked me up even more.
I have the appointmemt at the hospital on monday. I will still demand a test for VL, because after so many months getting clarity will just help me to be ensured. But i am more and more convinced again, that porn was the (only) problem and that rebooting and soon rewirinig will get me healthy.

So dont loose hope guys. I am now around 20 months in this process and see now improvements again in a long time. I could get no erections to porn or without. There was nothing. It was so bad, that i was basically sure, that it has to be something physiological.
Good luck to all of you.

Jeks

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Well, dont know what to really think about this.
So first of all, there seemes to be an explanation for my erectyle dysfunction and also my irritable bladder. Seems like i have got plaques in the bood vesselsof my penis. It seems to be connected to the diagnosis of VL i have had some years ago. Good news is, there seems to be a good chance, that it can be resolved. Bad thing, its not the cheapest thing in the world. I will have to ask my parents for help with this. I hope, that this can hopefully be the last step for a life with a somewhat normal sex life. Fortunately there will be no surgery needed.
Nonetheless its clear to me, that porn was a problem. Even though i did not know what the problem was, my symptoms got better after cutting out porn from my life. 
In the end i am just tired of this shit. I just want to get better. I will now take care of my diet and then hopefully will get better soon.

I have another appointment on monday at another hospital. That means i can also verify the opinion of the doctors i had an appointment with today by other urologists.
« Last Edit: April 12, 2021, 05:09:14 AM by Jeks »