My road to recovery

[Jesse]

Hi guys. I just recently discovered this forum through another site and wanted to share my experience with the rebooting process. I've been on here for a few days learning all that I could and finally decided to make an account. I have what I think is a bit of an unusual story as to how I came to be addicted to PMO. I started masturbating at a young age like many of you but originally just used my imagination or pictures mostly until about the age of 15 (I'm 28 now). Things fell apart when I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) at that age and was put on the anti-depressant, Paxil. This drug caused major desensitization down there and made it difficult, nearly impossible in fact, to climax. This is where my porn problem started. That kind of huge stimulus seemed to be the only reliable way that I could get there. I felt like I needed the drug but was extremely frustrated by the sexual side effects. I would watch porn for long periods of time and rapidly escalated into extreme genres (much faster than what you guys are typically talking about) because I was so numbed.

I didn't realize the harm I was causing because whenever I was on the drug, I could always get erections for some reason. It was like it made me hypersexual or something. I found that any time I came off the drug briefly, I would immediately develop severe ED and would then go back on it. I thought for a long time that this was a long term effect of the drug or withdrawal of some kind, but after being off of it for quite some time I've realized that's not the case. I'm way past the point of any withdrawals or anything so I now believe that it was simply masking the sexual problems I was causing myself all along.

I never considered myself addicted until fairly recently when I unintentionally went on a "streak" when I was on vacation where I simply didn't have access to porn or any time alone to watch it. I realized there was a problem when I found myself binging uncontrollably on porn when I returned for about a solid 5 days, right from the moment I had access to it again. I started to clue in that my behavior was a bit like my uncle's (who has admitted to being a porn addict and had major issues of his own because of it). I did some research, finding yourbrainonporn.com and eventually made my way here. On July 29th, I decided I was going to try going clean from this to see if I can get myself back to a normal state. I'm on day 21 now, which from what I gather, is already pretty decent for a first attempt.

The problems I've been dealing with that I'm trying to resolve are: severe ED with a partner (I'm in a long term relationship, but am reliant on Cialis to have sex with my girlfriend), social awkwardness and anxiety, a persistent sense of shame and fear around being judged for my addiction, and brain fog/difficulty concentrating. I've already noticed some subtle improvements socially and with my ability to see real life women (especially my gf) as more attractive, rather than just being turned on by images on a screen and am hoping to keep seeing improvements as the weeks go on. I have a full time career, an otherwise good relationship, keep active regularly, and have been keeping a relatively full social schedule lately so I'm hoping this will fill my time enough to keep my brain off of porn (and my hands off myself - I haven't been MO'ing at all at this early stage of rebooting). My ultimate goal here is to regain normal sexual health and erections as well as better mental health and lowered anxiety/social awkwardness.

If anyone has anything to ask or insights to add, please do! I'll update this thread here and there with how things are playing out. I'm looking forward to seeing some positive changes and hopefully becoming the best version of myself that I can be.

[Lero]

Welcome. Being here is already the first good step toward recovery.

[Jesse]

Thanks! I decided to update the title since I plan on using this as an ongoing journal as new things come up over time.

It's day 23 now and last night I took a step I think is very important in recovery, which was to tell my girlfriend about the real cause behind my issues. I explained to her that I had done my research and realized over time that it's more likely my porn use rather than my history with antidepressants that has
been causing these sexual issues. I was nervous as hell when I started the conversation but that quickly went away as I realized that she was very understanding and supportive of me in this. I told her basically how the addictive changes work and that I'm doing this reboot to try and undo the harm that I've caused. I gave some ideas of ways we could gradually work our way up to a normal and fulfilling sex life and she was happy to help me out. I had so much anxiety about this and yet I don't think that could've gone better as far as the "breaking the news to your s/o" conversations go.

I'm noticing that I'm a little more assertive with people than I was a few weeks ago, which makes me feel more confident. I'm still a ways away from normal erections with a partner but I've been noticing a few small improvements here and there already, such as no semen leakage (I'm not seeing the cloudiness I used to in my urine) and have started getting morning wood occasionally and erections (albeit weaker ones) to touch a couple of times. I haven't had any super strong cravings yet, just a couple urges here and there and triggers that I came across online just by chance. So far I've been able to just move on without feeling like I want to relapse/PMO/MO as a result of seeing a sexy looking image of an attractive girl.

I think the rest of week 4 shouldn't be too tough to get through though as I'm now at home with a cold and am nowhere close to feeling like seeking out something sexual to look at. So it sucks but maybe this isn't all bad.

[Lero]

You know, at least when I started, I had absolutely no idea about what porn could do. I became addicted without even knowing what I was doing. It was like eating candies, only to discover that they are poison disguised as candy. One day you wake up and you read stuff and realize you are an addict. Who doesn't understand this is pretty mean, I must say. Of course she will understand, as long as you take the necessary steps to quit it. Well done with your 23 days.

[squid]

Telling your SO about it and having a plan to keep active and social are great signs of a wise rebooter!  Keep up the good work.

[Jesse]

Thanks guys and yeah I can relate to that, Lero. When you're young you just do what feels good and don't really grasp the consequences of something like this until you've already got a real problem on your hands.

So I've successfully made it to day 28 now. I'm still feeling alright after 4 weeks and I think I've got a good sense of momentum going now. I was over my cold in those first few days but it definitely made it easy to not want porn when I was feeling shitty lol. My gf and I were working on some more gentle, touch-based stuff in the bedroom since I'm still early on. The other day it ended (successfully) with a handjob which, although not ideal, felt like a step in the right direction to me because I got off from the touch of a partner and without any self-stimulation, porn, or porn fantasy. I just focused on her and that was enough. We tried the same thing a couple nights later and still succeeded but my erection kind of faltered a bit that time. We agreed that we should probably not be getting sexual quite so frequently just yet so for the next little while I'll just keep the focus on her and not worry about getting off myself and then we'll try again later. I'm not sure how long this will take but I know I want my brain to be trained to recognize that sexual gratification must come from a real human being.

Again, I've been seeing things here and there that were tempting but have managed to stay disciplined. I'm liking the fact that if I do happen across a picture of a hot girl while looking at other things online, I find that I'm able to see it, recognize that she's very attractive, but then just keep on scrolling without allowing myself to start seeking out other materials or porn or to PMO, etc. I'm hoping this self-control stays strong as the weeks go on.

I've been keeping myself occupied and had a busy weekend. I noticed at a party I went to on Saturday night that I was feeling more outgoing and less self-conscious in that setting. I think that's related to not having so much shame and anxiety going on in my head. I'm normally much more socially anxious so the fact that I was able to go up and do some party games with an "audience" watching us and that I was able to dance with my gf with a bunch of other people around is a pretty big deal. In the past, I've been very uncomfortable in those situations and preferred to keep any sort of attention off of myself. I've also bumped up my workouts to 4x per week. I found a good upper body/lower body training split that's mainly weightlifting that I'm enjoying and can't wait to start seeing and feeling some better results. I've also made myself a list of short-term goals to work on (mostly stuff I want to update or do around the house or stuff I've been putting off that I really need to get done). I'm sure that will keep me occupied over the next few weeks at least.

Emotionally I'm still feeling relatively ok, but there's the occasional mood swings or bouts of anxiety and difficulty falling asleep. I'm guessing these are either lingering withdrawal symptoms or just my own anxieties about getting into a new lifestyle that replaces the old, comfortable, complacent one. Either way, I'm just moving forward one step at a time and I'll update this again some time soon.

[Jesse]

Today marks a major milestone in my journey. I've successfully made it to day 30 without porn. In the last couple of days I've noticed my moods are less flat and for the first time in a long time I'm actually starting to feel positive emotions about things, especially when socializing with people. For years I've just felt flat in those same situations - like my emotions were totally blunted. It's a feeling that's giving me hope for what the future holds. I also had my first spontaneous erection today since the start of this journey that came on just due to thoughts alone (about a past real life sexual situation). It was a little shocking tbh, but promising. I also notice I'm sustaining more motivation for my work and personal goals as the days go on. I'm hoping this continues to get stronger and this brain fog will eventually lift completely.

It hasn't all been positive though. I've still been experiencing some random anxiety on and off. It seems to be worse when I first lay down in bed at night and when I first wake up in the morning. It's bearable, but definitely annoying and a little bit distressing at times. It feels like there's times when my brain wants to throw a fit over me not feeding this addiction and decides to spike my anxiety levels as a way to express this. Also, last night I had my first ever dream about viewing porn. In the dream I seemed to forget that I was doing the porn-free thing and sat there looking at some pretty messed up videos while PMO'ing. When I woke up I had a slight panic thinking "Wtf! What did I do that for? I was doing so well!" only to realize after a second that it was only a dream (phew!). I'm doing my best to just put that out of my mind and persevere right now.

I'm taking some pride in my 30 days as it's for sure the longest I've gone without porn since I was 15 years old. Now on to month 2!

[Jesse]

It's now day 35 and I've made it through 5 weeks of this. I don't have too much to report symptom-wise that's different. I haven't attempted anything sexual again just yet but will try again in a couple days with my gf (it's "shark week" currently). I haven't had any more porn dreams or anything since my last post, which is nice. The anxiety is there but overall I feel ok and more clear-headed than 5 weeks ago with more confidence. I think that's why I've noticed a couple of girls looking at me recently, which doesn't normally happen. People must be able to see the difference in how I feel about myself.

One other interesting thing that's starting to happen is my sexuality is becoming more clear. I'm getting to the point where porn induced fetishes haven't disappeared but they've lessened just enough that I can differentiate them from my normal sexual tastes. Only one fetish of mine has remained constant as it was there before porn, while others are looking a little less appealing than they did before.

[Jesse]

On that note, I have a question for you all. Do you guys have any really weird or nearly impossible to avoid triggers?

This is going to sound almost comical to some of you but I have a (non-porn induced) fetish for something so seemingly harmless and benign that most people wouldn't even think it could be sexual. My porn induced fetishes have been subsiding during my reboot but this was a thing way before I ever saw porn and seems to be my most immediate cue to feel aroused. I have a thing for attractive looking arms on a woman and a cute girl in a cap sleeved top or a tank top seems to be my number one sexual trigger.

Avoiding this would be beyond ridiculous because what am I going to do? Not go outside or ever be in the presence of women? Lol. Do I just try to put this out of my mind or just accept the feeling of arousal and not worry about it as long as it doesn't actually lead me to seek PMO? This was at one point the subject of custom content I was having cam girls do when I was at the height of my porn addiction (I was essentially asking for porn of a genre that did not exist).

I don't plan on going back to that but I'm also just curious if anyone else out there has any strange or mundane triggers that you normally wouldn't think of.

[squid]

Yep, for me having a full bladder is a trigger.  Took me a while to figure that one out ahaha

[Jesse]

Yeah I can kinda see how that might be one lol.

I thought I'd post an update today because I hit a very significant milestone in my recovery. It's now day 40 and I successfully had sex with my gf without the use of any sort of ED meds. We weren't planning on taking things that far just yet, but you know how that goes sometimes. It wasn't perfect as it took a fair bit of warming up and attention before I got fully hard and there was a bit of an issue changing positions where I was starting to lose it (eventually got it back) but the fact that I had successful sex was amazing. DE was not an issue at all (sensitivity was good). It's just some effects of the PIED remaining but I expect that will keep improving. I never thought I'd be at this point after only 40 days porn free but maybe I'm one of the lucky ones and won't take quite so many months to reboot fully. This has been really motivating as I was starting to have some porn cravings, but once I saw my progress those thoughts left my mind pretty quickly. I have an even bigger resolve to keep going now, no matter how hard this is. I'm still having some withdrawals and random anxiety but it's worth fighting against it.

Also, another observation - one of the best things about not looking at porn for a long period of time is simply not having it in any sort of search history and not feeling like I have anything to hide. I used to dread it when people would go on my phone or computer and worry about what they might find if they started searching or swiping. I'd even worry when I left the house about whether I'd cleared my browser history lately or left any sort of evidence about my habits. I was paranoid about what people would think of me if they found me out since some of the porn I'd watch was of really weird genres. Now I can proudly say that I haven't been having these worries and my mind is staying more at ease about this. I can hand my phone to someone to let them look at something without freaking out internally about it.

I had to laugh when I realized that literally the *worst* thing my gf has caught me doing is stealing one of her mango candies. I hope you all had a good week and you're moving forward in your own journeys.

[squid]

That's awesome and inspiring dude! 

[Jesse]

Thanks, man. I just want to keep pushing forward now and set an example for people to see what's possible in recovery if you just stick it out.

It's now day 42 without porn or MO (the no MO part is just a personal choice).. 6 weeks into this journey feels like a good start. One thing I'm noticing is that my slightly "off" work schedule was really enabling my addiction. I have a Tuesday through Saturday work week (while my gf is a regular Monday to Friday person). What this meant was that every Monday I'd have a day where I was home alone the vast majority of the day and able to do whatever I want. Looking back, this is where my worst binges happened during my porn watching days (at least since moving in together). It also is still the day that requires the most self-control because there's noone to stop me if I did relapse and probably noone would know but me.

How I've decided to get past this is by making Mondays a day to work on little short term goals. What I've done is created a list of short-term little projects and things I'd like to take care of and put it all down in my notes on my phone. I work on these things regardless when I get the chance, but lately I've been making sure that I finish or at least make progress on at least one of them every Monday that I'm alone in order to keep occupied. Between this and the fact that Mondays are a gym day for me, I'm finding that this is taking away my urges on those otherwise lonely Monday afternoons by replacing them with more productive things.

I'm not sure how many of you have a similar situation where a particular time of the week is potentially triggering but this works well. I'd suggest coming up with ideas for any little household projects, fixes, things you need to find/shop for, or just anything you've been putting off that can be done instead of sitting around with the temptation of PMO looming over you.

[Lero]

Thanks, man. I just want to keep pushing forward now and set an example for people to see what's possible in recovery if you just stick it out.

It's now day 42 without porn or MO (the no MO part is just a personal choice).. 6 weeks into this journey feels like a good start. One thing I'm noticing is that my slightly "off" work schedule was really enabling my addiction. I have a Tuesday through Saturday work week (while my gf is a regular Monday to Friday person). What this meant was that every Monday I'd have a day where I was home alone the vast majority of the day and able to do whatever I want. Looking back, this is where my worst binges happened during my porn watching days (at least since moving in together). It also is still the day that requires the most self-control because there's noone to stop me if I did relapse and probably noone would know but me.

How I've decided to get past this is by making Mondays a day to work on little short term goals. What I've done is created a list of short-term little projects and things I'd like to take care of and put it all down in my notes on my phone. I work on these things regardless when I get the chance, but lately I've been making sure that I finish or at least make progress on at least one of them every Monday that I'm alone in order to keep occupied. Between this and the fact that Mondays are a gym day for me, I'm finding that this is taking away my urges on those otherwise lonely Monday afternoons by replacing them with more productive things.

I'm not sure how many of you have a similar situation where a particular time of the week is potentially triggering but this works well. I'd suggest coming up with ideas for any little household projects, fixes, things you need to find/shop for, or just anything you've been putting off that can be done instead of sitting around with the temptation of PMO looming over you.

I was reading your post and it sounded so familiar to me. Weekends were those days for me when I had too much free time and when I engaged in hardcore binges all day, starting around noon. Ironically, I wanted this free time. I said: "After a hard week at work, I deserve some rest." The weekend was the period when I decided to just do nothing. And this "doing nothing" has the talent to make me think only about porn.

[Jesse]

Today is day 44 and I had to do one of the most difficult, tempting, and potentially triggering things yet. Basically, I was looking at my banking history and realized that I was still getting charged for a "fan club subscription" to my old favorite camgirl even though I deleted my account on there some time ago. I guess back when I deleted everything I forgot to hit unsubscribe before closing the account and the money has still come out the last couple of months! It's a very small amount, but still - I can't just let that happen. I had to contact customer support by email and explain the situation so that it could be fixed.

But here's where things get tricky - in order to get the information I needed to give them, I had to visit the girl's page, which I know is littered with pornographic content. The only way I was able to do this without peeking at anything was to literally cover the upper portion of the screen with a piece of paper while keeping my speakers muted, taking down the info, and then immediately closing the page/clearing it from the history. This took more discipline than anything I've had to do so far but at least I know I'm committed.

So basically, if you're going to start a streak, delete absolutely everything for sure but try not to be sloppy about it like I was. It's a pain in the ass.

[squid]

Great job dude, way to be smart about a potentially dangerous situation.  And now you don't have to watch that coming out of your account anymore!  You could do some cool and creative, maybe donate that same amount to a women's shelter or another non profit you care about.

[Jesse]

That's not a bad idea. Like I said, the amount was very small (literally less than $10 a month), which is why I didn't notice any alarming change in my account balance for so long. If I was to donate to something, it would make sense to choose some kind of women's charity though since the porn industry I was supporting in one way or another for so long can be so detrimental to the women in it.. kind of a way to give a little back.

So it's now the end of day 48 for me and I'm still going strong. This past weekend was pretty awesome actually and kept me well occupied/distracted. I just had my 29th birthday on the 12th and was celebrating with family, some friends from work, and my gf doing different things for the last 3 days. I stayed busy every night and felt pretty damn spoiled.

I had a minor epiphany today regarding the whole porn thing when I again came across something by accident that I'd rather not have seen. Earlier tonight I was posting on another website I frequent and someone posted a porn gif in a comment section that wasn't even to do with anything sexual. As soon as I realized what it was I was initially angry and annoyed that someone would do this and put that temptation in front of me. I responded by simply scrolling it out of view and hitting report since it's not allowed on there anyways. But I had to realize something else - we're all going to encounter sexual images some time, whether we like it or not. We live in a society where so many things are sexualized that you can't spent your whole life avoiding it. All you can control is how you respond to those enticing images. I had to realize that I need to get to the point where it just doesn't bother me at all to see something and I just move on. As long as I don't start seeking porn or porn substitutes/PMO as a result, I haven't done anything wrong just by having seen something by chance. So I guess my message for all of you is in these situations, just accept, ignore, and move on without beating yourself up for feeling a slight temptation in that moment to relapse.

[squid]

Sounds like a good idea.  Glad things are going well for you and happy birthday!!

[Jesse]

Thanks squid! It's day 54 now of my porn free journey and there's been a couple of developments and tough days this past week.

First off, I went to an appointment with my psychiatrist. I don't see him regularly anymore, only once every 4 or 5 months as a check in. I was sent to him originally to work on my anxiety issues but now he seems comfortable enough to just check in occasionally since I'm functioning pretty well overall. I chose to bring up my reboot since last time I saw him I hadn't yet realized I was addicted to porn and was still blaming SSRI withdrawals for what I now know to be PIED. When I explained the situation he (big surprise) went on to tell me that porn isn't classified as an addiction in the current DSM and that for some people it's even healthy, sexologists use it with couples, etc etc. He even tried to tell me it's not necessary to completely quit but maybe just to moderate use to once a week or something like that.

I told him I don't think this is possible for me because I've been using it compulsively to drown out negative feelings rather than casually for pleasure. Once I explained myself more he seemed more understanding as to why I wanted to completely quit. He did ask me what sites I was using though which I found a bit odd. He said he wanted to advise me on which sites are "legal" in case I still wanted to use them as he has a patient who got in trouble for accidentally downloading something illegal on a sketchy site. I just reiterated that I was done with porn and was already seeing some benefits. I also mentioned my porn addict uncle who ruined his marriage and how I didn't want to end up like him and at that point he admitted he'd seen a couple of patients ruin their lives that way. Knowing that, I don't know why he was being so defensive of porn but that seems to be most people's attitude. I don't regret bringing it up as I think it was important to be honest with him and I think he's more understanding of my viewpoint now.

That conversation combined with a little bit of a rough evening at home (gf was a bit angry and distant all evening because of work stress) I felt the biggest pull to relapse I've felt yet. It was like waves of depressed feelings were washing over me, pushing me to deal with my stress and feelings of discomfort with porn like I used to. Luckily I was able to let it pass, talk to my gf and cheer her up, and distract myself by going for a long walk with her and our dog.

It was a close call but I feel much better now and a lot prouder knowing I made it to day 54 instead of caving in to those feelings. Bad days will happen. Push through them and learn to manage your own emotions with proper coping strategies. It won't last forever and you *will* come out the other side stronger and feeling better about yourself!

[Jesse]

Day 60!

This is another major milestone as far as I'm concerned. It feels good to have gone two whole months without porn now. I find myself thinking less and less about it now as the days go on. The urge to relapse is becoming less of a problem but what is a problem now more so is the unmasking of things I was using porn to numb myself from. I've taken away that crutch now and I'm having to face things that I never did before. It's even harder though because I'm still not 100% over the withdrawal symptoms so I'm dealing with more than one issue at once.

I'm discovering that I'm a lot more unhappy in my chosen job than I ever imagined and now that I can't drown that out with repeated hits of dopamine, I actually have to deal with it. I made a lot of mistakes as far as education and career choices when I was younger and now I have to deal with those if I want to make a change. I'm not too satisfied with the lifestyle I'm able to afford at my current job and it's also creating health issues due to my allergies to the environment I'm working in. It's also not overly stimulating or fulfilling, which I think is leading to a lot of boredom. I'm ashamed to admit it but there were times when I would go off somewhere and look at porn even at work simply because I felt so damn bored and didn't care to fill my time there with anything else that day. I stopped a while before this streak even started because I was afraid of getting caught and realized how dumb I was being.

The other issue is that I'm not overly happy with my social life either. I feel like most of my connections outside of my family and small group of work friends are all through my girlfriend and I don't have the social capital/connections of my own that I feel I should. I'm trying to get out more but I think I should also pick up a hobby or two that would get me out on a regular basis with a new group of people to try and make the connections I've been feeling so starved of for years. I'm still coming up with a plan as to how exactly I'm going to tackle both of these goals. I think the time not wasted on porn has made me a little more introspective.

Also - side note - I've been reading the book that Gabe Deem has often recommended (The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Doidge) and have just gotten to the fourth chapter on sexual tastes. It's a great read on neuroplasticity and there are parts that I think would be very relevant to the majority of people here. I find it uplifting and an important bit of education for anyone looking to rewire. So if you're looking for a good book to pick up but aren't sure what yet, go find a copy! I've already learned a lot and I'm sure I'll be better for it when I finish.

[Jesse]

It's day 63 and I'm still on the wagon! In the last few days I've noticed something of a dramatic change in sexual health. I've finally hit the point where my morning wood actually feels strong. The last little bit it's been strong erections when I wake up that last several minutes and for the first time since I started my reboot it's happening several consecutive days in a row. I also did a little test earlier and although I didn't MO, I realized that I was able to get an erection on my own without any porn or porn fantasy.. just a little stimulation from pure sensation. I left it at that as I still don't really want to resume with MO as it's strongly associated with PMO for me and may lead to porn cravings. Just over two months ago my PIED was way worse than it is now and that never would have happened, nor could I have sex without taking Cialis, so to me this is HUGE.

I also got a very exciting text today where my gf linked me to a job posting with the company she works for that's actually a great fit for my education and experience, pays a bit more than what I'm making now, and would eliminate some of the problems I'm having at my current job with allergies, etc. She went and asked them and apparently we'd be on equal footing in our respective jobs so a conflict of interest wouldn't prevent me from getting it. We'll have to discuss a little more tonight just to make sure this is really a good idea but I'm excited about the possibility. It's funny how I was just complaining about my job in my last post and suddenly life might be throwing me a bone here. We'll see what happens!