Author Topic: A Better Tomorrow (Read 16711 times)

NewStart04 · « **Reply #175 on:** August 27, 2020, 06:32:00 PM »

I have a message to all those who read this topic. I have decided to take yet another indefinite break from the forums. While I have definitely started to feel the grip of this addiction loosen a little, I am also aware that I am still in the convalescent period of recovery, and because of this want to play it safe until I feel I have made it to consistently calmer waters. The connection to others who are struggling with or who have struggled with this problem is great, but I have realized that posting regularly on the forums is at a point where it as a whole creates more interference than it does support. This is because, by checking the forums on a repeated basis, I am getting myself to think more about recovery than necessary. In the early stages, using the forums was a net positive, as having an additional resource to turn to was a relief amidst all the mental anguish I was going through. But now, as the process has ameliorated a bit, I find that going to the forums does more harm than good. But I think this is just the next phase of the process for me.

Not sure when I'll return, but I can confidently say expect good news. As I slowly regain self-trust, I find myself gradually feeling a restored sense of confidence. I look forward to sharing my recovery story with you all once I come back. And I also look forward to seeing good news from other members!

Take care

imsorrynotsorry · « **Reply #176 on:** August 30, 2020, 03:47:26 AM »

Hi,

I can understand what you're saying and i'm planning also to do this when i feel more like it.
I think of the forum a perfect chance to process what is going on in different stages of the reboot. Sometimes i need the impulses of others and sonetimes i just want to write down whats on my mind.

Anyway, you know you can come back anytime and exchange with us.

Imsor

NewStart04 · « **Reply #177 on:** October 12, 2020, 01:25:06 PM »

imsorrynotsorry

Thanks for sharing. I appreciate what you wrote and agree with what you said. Hope all is well with recovery and life in general.

Take care

NewStart04 · « **Reply #178 on:** October 12, 2020, 01:25:17 PM »

Well I'm back. Unfortunately yesterday was a relapse. 50/50 porn and fantasy. Still haven't given up hope. Other areas of life are slowly changing, and that's what I am trying to focus on. Thought it might be helpful to start posting again. Not sure what format/approach I want to take, but for now this is enough.

NewStart04 · « **Reply #179 on:** October 17, 2020, 01:22:38 AM »

Day 3 is coming to a close. No slips or relapses so far.

NewStart04 · « **Reply #180 on:** October 17, 2020, 01:43:38 PM »

Day 0

Relapsed last night. It was a binge. Mostly porn with some fantasy. This is a more common pattern with me these days and it's an improvement. I realize almost every time that I will just drag the session on and on and am able to successfully transition to MO with fantasy. Yes it is harder to ejaculate and stay fully erect with fantasy, but at least it ends the session sooner then if I continued to look at porn.

Gotta say I feel good with being transparent. I want this to be the case every time I relapse. Still wish it didn't happen though.

Take care

realficker · « **Reply #181 on:** October 20, 2020, 01:21:06 PM »

Take it easy. You will start again and it will easier and easier. Believe in your strenght! Believe in you! You can achieve it! Keep going!

NewStart04 · « **Reply #182 on:** October 20, 2020, 02:14:46 PM »

realflicker

Thanks for the positivity. Wishing you the best with your own struggle.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another one of those waking up in the middle of the night relapses. It's strange to me because these really haven't plagued me for a while, and I haven't been fantasizing before going to bed (or in general for that matter). This time was a bit worse than the last, because I forgot to turn off my IADs last evening, which is something that I could've done but didn't. Oh well. The result? 45m of porn; started around 1:15 AM and finished around 2:00 AM. Went back to bed after.

Now I am dealing with the post relapse slump that is always there to greet me the next day. I'll just have to keep my head up.

Take care

NewStart04 · « **Reply #183 on:** October 21, 2020, 01:52:19 PM »

Day 2 - Start

Let's do it

NewStart04 · « **Reply #184 on:** October 22, 2020, 02:49:36 PM »

Day 3- Start

I slept in somewhat today. Hopefully I can still get enough done.

NewStart04 · « **Reply #185 on:** October 23, 2020, 04:18:30 PM »

Day 1 - Start

Relapsed again yesterday. I'm keeping cool though. Duration: 50m (30m porn, 20m fantasy).

Not much to say. I'll try to stay focused on task completion today.

NewStart04 · « **Reply #186 on:** October 24, 2020, 03:06:54 PM »

Day 2 - Start

Yesterday had some pretty low points, but I'm glad I made it through in a healthy way. On to Day 2.

NewStart04 · « **Reply #187 on:** October 25, 2020, 01:21:00 PM »

Day 3 - Start

Last night was difficult. Hours of urges in the evening, but I handled them well.

NewStart04 · « **Reply #188 on:** October 25, 2020, 07:26:12 PM »

Just logging in and posting to remain accountable. Had a slip that lasted about 15 seconds around 30 minutes ago. Wanted to post then, but knew I needed time away from the computer to calm down and try to recenter myself. FYI the activities I carried out were simple: I grabbed my recently washed bedding, made the bed, and then made and ate a (very) late lunch. Glad the slip stayed a slip.

NewStart04 · « **Reply #189 on:** October 26, 2020, 04:58:23 PM »

Yikes! Ultimately I did relapse in the middle of the night. 2om porn and 40m MO to fantasy. I fantasized for about five minutes after waking up today. Anyway, I'm still glad I am being completely transparent with this.

Day 1 - Start

Just another day. I'll feel what I'll feel. While I do have a counter in my signature and mention what day I am on in these posts, mentally and emotionally for me counting days really isn't that impactful and I don't really think about it aside from when I post on the forums. Instead, I keep working on trying to recenter my mind to the moment and dealing with that. I honestly have no idea what will happen in the future, and the past is the past: there's no reclaiming it. The relapses can feel devastating at times, and the damage they do to recovery progress is significant, but I'm in this for the long haul. I'll get out eventually. Keep learning, training, failing, and persevering.

I do however feel a bit bad about being an uninspiring example of relapse, but really there are already plenty of uplifting examples of recovery on this site. If anyone reading feels disheartened when reading about my relapse, remember that the success stories are there. And when I do reach the speed required for escape velocity, you can rest assured that I'll be talking about it in this topic.

Take care

NewStart04 · « **Reply #190 on:** October 26, 2020, 08:50:36 PM »

I'm going to return to a strict IAD shutoff time again. It was useful and I need all the help I can get.

There was one thing I wanted to share before turning them off. It's today's page in the reader related to recovery from sex/porn addiction that I read daily. Here it is:

"Hindsight is 20/20. Predicting the future is a crap shoot. Knowing when the breakthrough or the change will take place is impossible. But if we stop working, we will not reach the goal regardless of whether the goal is years away or only days away. Sometimes stubborn persistence is what we need."

Take care

SebNZ · « **Reply #191 on:** October 27, 2020, 07:04:56 AM »

Quote from: NewStart04 on October 26, 2020, 08:50:36 PM

I'm going to return to a strict IAD shutoff time again. It was useful and I need all the help I can get.

There was one thing I wanted to share before turning them off. It's today's page in the reader related to recovery from sex/porn addiction that I read daily. Here it is:

"Hindsight is 20/20. Predicting the future is a crap shoot. Knowing when the breakthrough or the change will take place is impossible. But if we stop working, we will not reach the goal regardless of whether the goal is years away or only days away. Sometimes stubborn persistence is what we need."

Take care

Great quote. Reminds me of a session I went to (in person) with fellow porn addicts (yes these groups exist, although I was in a different country to the one I'm in now). One guy had been like 1-2 years off porn, can't remember exactly. Anyway, I asked him, how did you get there? How can I get to where you are? Can you tell me the secret? His reply was basically, "There are some things unavailable to you". I think he was saying that I have to make my own journey, there's no magic bullet that someone can transfer to you to help you solve your addiction. Everyone's struggle is unique and so every recovery is unique too. (With the caveat that there are still a lot of thing we can learn from each other!)

NewStart04 · « **Reply #192 on:** October 27, 2020, 09:40:37 PM »

SebNZ

Thanks for posting. I totally agree with what you wrote. I wish it wasn't true, but the fact of the matter is that the only person who can walk the path of recovery for you (in an experiential sense) is yourself. Of course, it is still nice and helpful to receive support and advice from others. Best of luck with your journey!

NewStart04 · « **Reply #193 on:** October 27, 2020, 09:41:01 PM »

Day 2 - Coming to a close

No relapses or slips. Going to turn off my IADs pretty soon.

Take care

NewStart04 · « **Reply #194 on:** October 28, 2020, 04:36:14 PM »

Day 3 - Start

Having difficulties with sleep. Last night was punctuated by medium strength urges. Gotta be thankful they were just medium. Felt depressed and lethargic for a lot of the day, but at least I got a satisfactory amount of tasks done. I'm more consistently sticking to my porn recovery plan, but I could be doing better. That's not really a criticism, more a recognition. Either way, time to kick myself into gear and start getting things done.

brandon1984 · « **Reply #195 on:** October 28, 2020, 06:27:39 PM »

keep going man! I'm finishing day 3 too. We can do it! I like how you're pretty much using this as a ongoing journal. That made me start doing it. One day we'll go back to our 1st post and see how far we've come!

NewStart04 · « **Reply #196 on:** October 28, 2020, 11:28:48 PM »

brandon1984

Thanks for stopping by and letting me know that! I'm glad to hear that my efforts have inspired someone else in some shape or form. In my experience, there's a lot to experiment with when journaling, and there are times where it has been helpful, neutral, and unhelpful. Wishing you the best in finding an approach that works best for you and your circumstances. Best of luck with your recovery journey.

NewStart04 · « **Reply #197 on:** October 28, 2020, 11:28:54 PM »

Day 3 - End

The day is coming to a close. I think it's safe to say I dealt with a satisfactory number of tasks. Today was a bit calmer than the last two, but that's no reason to take additional risks. Turning off my IADs for the day.

Take care

NewStart04 · « **Reply #198 on:** October 29, 2020, 10:56:56 AM »

Day 4 - Start

Last night was difficult. On and off urges and emotional withdrawals. I made it through, but the (unfortunate) almost complete lack of sleep today is making me feel compromised. It's still early, but there have already been a few times where things have felt dangerous. I'm going to try to avoid having any set expectations for what I get done today and just try to stay away from IADs.

Take care

NewStart04 · « **Reply #199 on:** October 29, 2020, 08:21:24 PM »

Relapsed

No porn. I'm thankful for that. 1h30m of MO to fantasy.

Take care