Author Topic: Journal of Jay (Read 5740 times)

Lero · « **Reply #50 on:** August 17, 2019, 03:51:19 AM »

Awesome, Jay! We have almost the same number of days. You're doing great. Now you know you are able to kick out the porn thoughts. Contrary to what the addiction tells us (because it's got a reason to), we actually don't need to follow the porn thoughts and urges and search for porn material. Fuck porn, choose life. Porn is the complete opposite of living. "Porn" and "Poison" start with the same letter for a reason.

Free-man · « **Reply #51 on:** August 17, 2019, 07:23:26 AM »

I'm also doing my second reboot guys. I'm in my day 29th. The first one was 51 days and I hope to surpass it. We're all fighting the Dopamine monster that lives in our minds. follow your diaries with a lot of interest guys. Keep strong!

Lero · « **Reply #52 on:** August 17, 2019, 07:36:33 AM »

Quote from: Free-man on August 17, 2019, 07:23:26 AM

I'm also doing my second reboot guys. I'm in my day 29th. The first one was 51 days and I hope to surpass it. We're all fighting the Dopamine monster that lives in our minds. follow your diaries with a lot of interest guys. Keep strong!

It's hard but it's possible. Only time will make the addiction go away.

Jay2019 · « **Reply #53 on:** August 18, 2019, 04:39:35 PM »

Day 29:

Today was a significant one for me in a quiet way. I woke up, alone, did a little work, went to the gym...nothing spectacular, BUT when I got out from the gym, I noticed a couple of things: 1. I hadn't spent my session scanning for women to stare at; 2. Despite knowing I had the entire day ahead to myself at home, I didn't come out of gym thinking I might go and get myself a packet of cigarettes and watch porn for hours on end (which would have almost certainly happened in those conditions before I started this process). Small victories which I have to acknowledge.

Then, I spent my day working on a project for my business. I spent several hours doing this on my laptop...and no thought of watching porn. I had a brief, passing thought about masturbating, but it passed quickly, and I continued with the work.

The point is, I'm finally experiencing the freedom to spend my time productively, without losing my time to porn and acting out...I'm ending today with a sense of agency, of being the author of my own life...I have ideas, motivation, drive...the compulsion is finally loosening, and the positive consequences are pretty good, I have to say

I'm so grateful for finding my way here.

Lero · « **Reply #54 on:** August 18, 2019, 04:46:32 PM »

Fucking great, Jay! This sounds good. You are on the right road, I believe. Small victories count. Small steps still move you forward. Almost 1 month for you.

hope2reboot · « **Reply #55 on:** August 18, 2019, 08:31:14 PM »

Good job Jay, very inspiring, keep going!

Jay2019 · « **Reply #56 on:** August 20, 2019, 04:45:10 PM »

Day 31:

A month without porn...wasn't sure this was possible a very short while ago, but now I know that I can stay free from porn one day at a time. The days become weeks, become months...but I don't need to worry about the weeks and months, only about today. Today, I have not viewed porn. Today I am free of an addiction that has held me vice-like for over two decades. That should give at least some hope to people starting out today. This is possible, people, we can recover.

Lero · « **Reply #57 on:** August 20, 2019, 04:47:57 PM »

Fucking great, Jay! 1 month without poison (1 month for me too). You got this. When you abstain from porn for a longer period of time you realize that you can actually do it.

Jay2019 · « **Reply #58 on:** August 20, 2019, 05:00:03 PM »

Quote from: Lero on August 20, 2019, 04:47:57 PM

Fucking great, Jay! 1 month without poison (1 month for me too). You got this. When you abstain from porn for a longer period of time you realize that you can actually do it.

Yeh, I believe it now, Lero. I believe in myself. I won't underestimate this shit - complacency is the enemy - but I am going to keep working to take back my life. I'm invested in your recovery, too. Thanks for the support, means a lot.

Lero · « **Reply #59 on:** August 20, 2019, 05:27:17 PM »

Quote from: Jay2019 on August 20, 2019, 05:00:03 PM

Yeh, I believe it now, Lero. I believe in myself. I won't underestimate this shit - complacency is the enemy - but I am going to keep working to take back my life. I'm invested in your recovery, too. Thanks for the support, means a lot.

That's right, man. Never let your guard down, always be serious like day 1. We need to get our energy back from this fucking poison. And thanks for thinking about my recovery. I appreciate this. I'm thinking about your recovery too, as we have almost the same number of days (you are 1 day ahead).

Dutchguy · « **Reply #60 on:** August 22, 2019, 04:01:50 PM »

Great performance Jay! I know you can do it and have confidence in you, but be careful to think you are there already. I know from experience that there will be times your overconfident mind will try to lure you back in. Hope this isn’t true for you but a warned man counts as two!

Jay2019 · « **Reply #61 on:** August 23, 2019, 01:58:50 AM »

Quote from: Dutchguy on August 22, 2019, 04:01:50 PM

Great performance Jay! I know you can do it and have confidence in you, but be careful to think you are there already. I know from experience that there will be times your overconfident mind will try to lure you back in. Hope this isn’t true for you but a warned man counts as two!

Hey. Thanks for posting and for the advice. I am guarding against complacency, because I know it is so dangerous in any addiction. As soon as you think the problem has disappeared, that's when it sneaks up on us and takes the reins. I've seen it so many times being around people with various addictions, and I've also lived it with other addictions and bad habits. Hope it's gong well with you?

Jay2019 · « **Reply #62 on:** August 23, 2019, 02:06:59 AM »

Today is day 34 without porn.

I had sex with my girlfriend yesterday with no ED medication...this is monumental, as I've never done that with her. In nearly three years of being with her, I've only had sex with the help of medication...I'll quietly celebrate my return to normality in that department, but posting on here, smiling to myself, and enjoying my last day at full time employment, before I become solely self-employed and finally start working on carving out the life I want - and not the life that is imposed on me by the limitations of porn and sex addiction.

Wishing everyone out there the best in their own fights. Congratulations on finding your way into recovery. Keep going, it is so worth it.

Lero · « **Reply #63 on:** August 23, 2019, 04:27:04 AM »

Awesome, Jay!

Free-man · « **Reply #64 on:** August 23, 2019, 05:56:32 AM »

34th day for me too Jay…that's awesome

I think you are seeing the benefits of stay away from that shit.
I read all your progress as many others like Lero, Malando…I learn so much of all of you that you're struggling with this shit and all the problems with came along with like anxiety, social anxiety, depression, shyness, loneliness, emptyness…

We're all going to overcome this.
Congratulations for it man!

Lero · « **Reply #65 on:** August 23, 2019, 09:38:05 AM »

This is great. Me, Jay and Free-man have the same number of days (okay I am one day behind).

Jay2019 · « **Reply #66 on:** August 23, 2019, 11:07:14 AM »

Quote from: Free-man on August 23, 2019, 05:56:32 AM

34th day for me too Jay…that's awesome

I think you are seeing the benefits of stay away from that shit.
I read all your progress as many others like Lero, Malando…I learn so much of all of you that you're struggling with this shit and all the problems with came along with like anxiety, social anxiety, depression, shyness, loneliness, emptyness…

We're all going to overcome this.
Congratulations for it man!

Thanks - means to a lot. Congratulations for where you are at, too. It can be done.

Jay2019 · « **Reply #67 on:** August 26, 2019, 02:50:43 AM »

Days 35 and 36 were busy, in a good way. I spent the days and nights with my girlfriend, having coffee out, seeing beautiful places, watched the new Tarantino...time to relax, switch off, and porn was not even remotely near to my mind.

I did have, though, an automatic thought that came into my head about having sex with someone (someone non-specific, other than my partner). My addiction sometimes moved away from porn, to a couple of affairs in previous relationships, and a handful of times I saw escorts. I have to guard against those elements, and be honest about those thoughts cropping up. Porn feels far far away, but that doesn't mean this is done by a long shot. Addictions have a way of finding the back- and side-doors into our lives. Those past destructive behaviours have no place in my life now, with this relationship, and I refuse to disrespect my girlfriend with that shit. Honesty helps, posting here helps.

Anyway, I hope all is going well out there, and you're all fighting to take your lives back. Today is day 37, porn-free and coming alive.

Iloveicecream · « **Reply #68 on:** August 26, 2019, 03:50:24 AM »

37 days is a good Thing!!! Be proud of yourself!

Jay2019 · « **Reply #69 on:** August 26, 2019, 03:55:08 PM »

Quote from: Iloveicecream on August 26, 2019, 03:50:24 AM

37 days is a good Thing!!! Be proud of yourself!

Thanks a lot - appreciate it. Longest porn-free stint in my entire adult life, and I'm loving the freedom.

Dutchguy · « **Reply #70 on:** August 26, 2019, 04:12:52 PM »

Quote from: Iloveicecream on August 26, 2019, 03:50:24 AM

37 days is a good Thing!!! Be proud of yourself!

Wow, great job Jay! You can do this!

Lero · « **Reply #71 on:** August 27, 2019, 12:37:26 AM »

Good stuff, Jay. Keep the streak going.

Free-man · « **Reply #72 on:** August 28, 2019, 02:48:36 AM »

Great to hear that Jay, keep the streak strong.

Jay2019 · « **Reply #73 on:** August 29, 2019, 12:05:50 AM »

Thanks all for the supportive messages.

Jay2019 · « **Reply #74 on:** August 29, 2019, 12:25:09 AM »

Today is day 40.

The past two days, I have been busy between work (now fully self-employed, and developing a business - something I'm sure I couldn't do if porn was still how I filled much of my spare time) and my girlfriend. There's some tension in our relationship this morning, as yesterday ended with a bit of a breakdown of communication, so I have to manage that today, not reach for the 'fuck-it button'. I don't feel like using porn, but I know there has been at the core of my porn use a need to lock myself away in the emotional sense. Porn use felt good, but going into that neurochemical bubble also meant I wasn't thinking about relationships with others. Relationships are emotive, in one direction or the other, and so being truly present involves emotions...and emotions can be triggers for people like us. So, I have to be grown up, act like a 43 year old, and not run from the conflict into the clutches of one addiction or the other.

So, day 40, and I have to keep working on this, thinking about likely triggers, preempting, or preparing for, situations that might trick my mind into thinking porn use is a good idea. It's not. I know this at my centre. 40 days without watching porn is something of a miracle. One day a time though.