Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time

[MindOverModem]

DAY 14

Shame is a weird thing. Today I was thinking about the times I've wasted money on cams and how the kind of person who does that might not have the best internet privacy standards. I got a little panicked thinking the whole world could see my cam chats. At some point, I realized nobody cares. But for a brief moment, I felt bad and feeling bad made me want to do some camming, the same thing that had me freaking out. INSANE.

Anyway, taking some time to pause and focus on the progress I'm making and all the positive things   that can come from a P free existence.

WEEK 2

Things are getting better. I'm feeling a little more awake in general and the cravings are getting easier to manage. That said, I've noticed that instead of constant little cravings I'll get a massive one every now and then. I'm focusing on moving forward and being present. Ready to start strong in week 3.

[MindOverModem]

Thanks your reply, MOM. I'll try getting into meditation again come next week and I'll plan on doing it regularly to develop some kind of consistency.

Why not start today? Five minutes right now?

The thing I say to guys I sponsor in AA is to just set a timer and spend 10 minutes doing nothing every day. It's a good way to start anyway.

Best of luck

[benhlau]

It's like that scene in Fight Club when he's trying to call off his own henchmen and they're like

[MindOverModem]

It's like that scene in Fight Club when he's trying to call off his own henchmen and they're like

Exactly. I mentioned that earlier. When it comes to my own excuses, I keep saying "you said you were gonna say that..."

[MindOverModem]

DAY 15

One of my favorite articles on quitting P is this one by Mark Manson: https://markmanson.net/pornography-can-ruin-your-sex-life

In it, he talks about how the first two weeks were fucked up and hard and his sex drive was all over the place. By weeks 3 and 4, his sex drive got super high and stayed that way. You see guys posting about flatlining for months and months, but so far my experience has been closer to what Manson describes. I'm starting my third week feeling much calmer and more energetic. I think I had a grand total of one P craving yesterday, but my desire for real sex was off the charts. This is the opposite of the end of the first week where I was having cravings literally every two minutes but was kind of indifferent to sex.

It feels good to chill out.

--MOM

[MindOverModem]

DAY 16
Ups and Downs

The moodiness is nowhere near as bad as it was last week. Horniness and energy levels are all over the place, however. I'm focusing on just staying present and riding the wave of whatever the "now" contains. Not a whole lot to say today.

I've heard people who tried to quit drinking on their own that they feel more sober after a short time in real recovery than in months of trying to do it on their own. That's how this reboot feels for me. I've gone much longer without looking at P in the past, but I feel healthier this time aroud after just 16 days.

--MOM

[Pete McVries]

DAY 15

One of my favorite articles on quitting P is this one by Mark Manson: https://markmanson.net/pornography-can-ruin-your-sex-life

In it, he talks about how the first two weeks were fucked up and hard and his sex drive was all over the place. By weeks 3 and 4, his sex drive got super high and stayed that way. You see guys posting about flatlining for months and months, but so far my experience has been closer to what Manson describes. I'm starting my third week feeling much calmer and more energetic. I think I had a grand total of one P craving yesterday, but my desire for real sex was off the charts. This is the opposite of the end of the first week where I was having cravings literally every two minutes but was kind of indifferent to sex.

It feels good to chill out.

--MOM

Poor souls who experience super long and repeating flatlines. My experience is the same as yours. I only had one flatline straight from the beginning of the reboot until day 26 and that was it.

Keep it up!

[MindOverModem]

Yeah, man! that's good to hear. This might sound weird, but a part of me has been wondering, "when am I going to start my months-long flatline." I guess if you're good, you're good. Now, I've definitely noticed moments, like all afternoon yesterday, where I'm not super interested in anything sexual and it's just like a blank spot, but I find I usually snap right out of it pretty quick.

Obviously, I'm not diminishing the experience of anyone who does struggle with a massive flatline (it must be a nightmare) but that hasn't been my experience.

[MindOverModem]

DAY 17

Not much to say today, because today felt so stable! no serious ups and downs, but things weren't blank and flat either.

One thing I recommend to all rebooters: go for long walks without your phone. I had some free time I used this afternoon to just stroll and take in the world around me. came back focused and recharged.

[MindOverModem]

DAY 18

Today was pretty good. One MASSIVE craving in the morning; reminds me I have to stay frosty and avoid thinking I have this all figured out. Had some really good news in my personal life today and some mildly bad news at work. It's plain to see how much I relied on P to regulate my emotions. In the case of both good and bad news, there's something in my brain that says "but wait, isn't there something I'm supposed to do right now..." It's not a voice that screams "hey, you, go look at P!" but I felt restless. I'm happy to have some tools now to deal with that feeling!

--MOM

[TallTree]

I've been enjoying reading your posts, and can really relate to porn basically being a big tool to manage emotions. The challenging part for me has been learning how to manage those emotions without porn. It's been a part of my life for so long, that it's still the first thing that pops into my head when things aren't going my way. Best of luck today!

[MindOverModem]

I've been enjoying reading your posts, and can really relate to porn basically being a big tool to manage emotions. The challenging part for me has been learning how to manage those emotions without porn. It's been a part of my life for so long, that it's still the first thing that pops into my head when things aren't going my way. Best of luck today!

Thank you! And, yeah, you said it: that's the challenge! I'm finding it's not enough just to eliminate P, I have to add positive alternative ways to spend my time, things like reading and spending more time with  my friends. Fortunately, I find my schedule has opened right up ever since I got this time-sucking habit out of my life.

Best of luck to you too, man.

[MindOverModem]

DAY 19

Cravings come from the strangest places. I was looking at a home remodeling website. Next thing I knew, a photo of a normal fucking kitchen reminded me of a scene I used to watch. Insane.

Anyway, I'm checking in to share that weird little craving and to label the insanity.

Grateful for another 24 hours.

--MOM

[MindOverModem]

DAY 20

Not much to report today. One of those days were I was too busy and social to find myself craving. It's hard to explain, but I can feel the positive habits and attention to my relationship taking over some of the space P used to occupy. Feels good.

--MOM

[MindOverModem]

DAY 21

Another busy day, a couple cravings out of nowhere. just goes to show that being busy doesn't make you immune to thoughts of using.

WEEK 3

Overall, I feel so much better than I did a week or two ago. The cravings are much less frequent, and I'm not getting the same physical "need" to look at P. I don't feel like I'm going to die if I don't give in to the craving. BUT the cravings are still super vivid when they do come up. It's like my brain is saying "how about you just look at this particular scene?" I'm finding myself to be way hornier this week, so that's an encouraging sign. More morning wood etc.

Just have stay vigilant. 

--MOM

[Lero]

DAY 21

Another busy day, a couple cravings out of nowhere. just goes to show that being busy doesn't make you immune to thoughts of using.

Sure. Being busy doesn't stop thoughts, flashbacks, fantasies etc. popping up in our minds. But, at the end of the day, it comes down to: We have this energy for the day, right? What do we want to invest it in? PMO consumes energy. Life consumes energy. What's more useful for us? 

[MindOverModem]

DAY 22

Good point, Lero. As I've mentioned earlier, a big part of rebooting for me has been filling my days with more constructive things than looking at P.

Today was tough. I realized just how moody I can be without P to dull my emotions. I dealt with some family stuff and some stressful work stuff I really didn't want to be doing over the weekend. When I was caught up in it, it really felt like the end of the world, but I know it will pass.

Full disclosure, I'm no longer in "hard mode." I haven't been experiencing the chaser effect and I HAVE NOT fapped to P fantasies. I'm noticing a really different relationship to MO. It's something that just sort of comes up naturally every couple days (sometimes less, sometimes more.) It doesn't feel like a refuge from reality like it did in the past.

I realize this is controversial, I'm just sharing my truth here. The bottom line is I'm P free. NoFap was never my goal. I will say that taking more than 2 weeks off from M was really important for starting my reboot.

[Lero]

Today was tough. I realized just how moody I can be without P to dull my emotions. I dealt with some family stuff and some stressful work stuff I really didn't want to be doing over the weekend. When I was caught up in it, it really felt like the end of the world, but I know it will pass.

Exactly. When we use PMO to deal with our emotions, we don't learn how to deal with them in a normal way. That's why when we stop PMO-ing, those emotions come to us and we don't know what to do. A very important part of the process is learning this.

[MindOverModem]

DAY 23

OMFG I just came outrageously close to using. Crisis averted though. NOT TODAY!

I was clearing out my computer's trash and double checking that there wasn't anything in there I still needed. Now before this reboot began, I was careful to get rid of all my P. Or so I thought. There was one folder in there with pictures of my favorite pornstar, one of those "porn girlfriends" whose pics I would turn to time and time again.

When I found the folder, I had a brief moment of wanting to open it, "just to check" that that's what it was. For a split second, I told myself it would be okay "just to look." NOPE, NOT TODAY.

Almost immediately, my new habit of stepping back and taking a moment to breathe kicked in. I thought about how shitty I would feel after yielding to that stupid impulse. I thought about how far I've come in this reboot and the place I would slide back to if I gave in. I reminded myself there's no such thing as "just one look." I deleted the file, unopened, and got on here to write about defeating that craving.

The really cool thing about winning a battle like that is that I've come away with a little boost of self-confidence knowing that I could have used today, but I didn't. It's also good to know that my computer is 100% porn free.

--MOM

[MindOverModem]

DAY 24

Surprisingly strong cravings today, all part of the ups and downs, I guess.

Today, the cravings seemed to be saying "just look at it... maybe just pictures.... what's the big deal?" In a way this is a good sign because it means I'm putting some distance between myself and the stranglehold of using on a regular basis. It was like this when I got sober too, getting better meant sort of forgetting how bad it got.

It's time to be vigilant and remember my tools for dealing with craving.

A big positive, I've noticed that conversations with my GF are so much more engaging and stimulating than they were before. If that's not an awesome motivation for rebooting, I don't know what is. 

 

[Lero]

DAY 24

Surprisingly strong cravings today, all part of the ups and downs, I guess.

Today, the cravings seemed to be saying "just look at it... maybe just pictures.... what's the big deal?" In a way this is a good sign because it means I'm putting some distance between myself and the stranglehold of using on a regular basis. It was like this when I got sober too, getting better meant sort of forgetting how bad it got.

It's time to be vigilant and remember my tools for dealing with craving.

A big positive, I've noticed that conversations with my GF are so much more engaging and stimulating than they were before. If that's not an awesome motivation for rebooting, I don't know what is.

When you don't want to give the brain the usual full stimulation, it reacts violently and it tries to make you give it anything, even a "micro-dosing" like a picture but you have to stay away from this because it's the wrong step on the slope with snow and you will go down rolling.

[MindOverModem]

Good point

[MindOverModem]

DAY 25

Today was busy, hectic, stressful, and I CRUSHED IT. Just amazing all the motivation and energy at my disposal without P sucking up my life force and my time.

I realize that this is probably very much the "up" of a series of ups and downs, but today was a big win.

Focusing on some self-care and mediation to balance out all the activity today.

[Lero]

DAY 25

Today was busy, hectic, stressful, and I CRUSHED IT. Just amazing all the motivation and energy at my disposal without P sucking up my life force and my time.

I realize that this is probably very much the "up" of a series of ups and downs, but today was a big win.

Focusing on some self-care and mediation to balance out all the activity today.

Of course, man. PMO consumes energy but it consumes energy for nothing. For the idea of "feeling good", "medicating" or whatever, that don't actually give you anything. PMO doesn't benefit anyone. When you stay away from PMO, this energy that you used to throw away with it you feel it now and it's like "Oh shit, I got this energy!" Use it for what it matters. And yes, this journey of recovery could have ups and downs (many people experience this) so if now you feel on top of the world, in a few days you could feel at the bottom. Just don't use PMO to cope with that. I used to do this and fuck myself up like an idiot.

[MindOverModem]

DAY 26

Turned my whole day around by simply meditating. I put it off in the morning and felt super shitty as a result. just restless and irritable. Finally, around late morning, I was like "time out" I took a few minutes of quiet time and it was like hitting the reset button.

These past few days have been insane at work. It just like the old saying: if you don't have 15 minutes to meditate, you need an hour!