Reclaiming My Dopamine Receptors

[Lero]

Good idea keeping track of the addiction a little more consistently. 60 days is great progress,  but I read once that "strong" recovery doesn't really happen until after two years. Even then, I would hesitate to say I was out of the woods.

Noah Church said in one of his podcasts that after a year and two months without P, he felt like he was still improving. So maybe that's right. Maybe "full" recovery takes 2 years but people should not get alarmed about it because you should already feel all right by then.

[nazonoxa]

Noah Church said in one of his podcasts that after a year and two months without P, he felt like he was still improving. So maybe that's right. Maybe "full" recovery takes 2 years but people should not get alarmed about it because you should already feel all right by then.

Out of the woods but still moving forwards. Can't wait to see for myself what that feels like.

[nazonoxa]

Finding out that I tend to think in a 0-or-100 way. Same thing with addiction, I am cured or I am addicted.

Which is simply not true. My recovery from addiction seems to be cycling through different phases, each time getting milder and milder.

The initial dark forest of withdrawal shitness now feels distant, but I haven't gotten rid of these rather potent mood swings.

[Lero]

Finding out that I tend to think in a 0-or-100 way. Same thing with addiction, I am cured or I am addicted.

I know exactly what you're talking about. I used to be a "black or white" guy until I realized that it sabotaged my recovery. We make progress even if it's a little. Anything is progress, even something like identifying a trigger or a mistake that we make. This recovery takes time so it's obvious that we need to go through some stages.

[BlueHeronFan]

Noah Church said in one of his podcasts that after a year and two months without P, he felt like he was still improving. So maybe that's right. Maybe "full" recovery takes 2 years but people should not get alarmed about it because you should already feel all right by then.

That's really interesting! Yeah, I'm definitely feeling better in relation to my addiction now than when I started here at the beginning of the year, but I also recognize that I have a ways to go.

Finding out that I tend to think in a 0-or-100 way. Same thing with addiction, I am cured or I am addicted.

Which is simply not true. My recovery from addiction seems to be cycling through different phases, each time getting milder and milder.

And I think this is a great insight related to Lero's. I sincerely hope that I can be 100% cured someday, but I also don't know if I should ever believe that I am. Even if I'm 99% of the way there, believing that there's still a 1% of losing it would help me to stay careful. I know I crashed hard in the past when I thought I was cured. (and now I'm probably just rambling)

Either way, keep up the good work!

[nazonoxa]

I know exactly what you're talking about. I used to be a "black or white" guy until I realized that it sabotaged my recovery. We make progress even if it's a little. Anything is progress, even something like identifying a trigger or a mistake that we make. This recovery takes time so it's obvious that we need to go through some stages.

Thank you for your kindness. Somebody (of course, including myself) being kind about my little bits of progress can be radically restorative.

And I think this is a great insight related to Lero's. I sincerely hope that I can be 100% cured someday, but I also don't know if I should ever believe that I am. Even if I'm 99% of the way there, believing that there's still a 1% of losing it would help me to stay careful. I know I crashed hard in the past when I thought I was cured. (and now I'm probably just rambling)

Either way, keep up the good work!

Thank you!

When it comes to addiction, there is always a chance of relapse, as one life-long abstaining alcoholic wrote: "My body is like a once broken china; no matter how carefully you glue it together, it is nothing like a china that was never broken."

Since there really isn't a goal to focus on, I think I should enjoy this peculiar process of change that my addiction has forced onto me.

[Lero]

"My body is like a once broken china; no matter how carefully you glue it together, it is nothing like a china that was never broken."

That's an awesome way to look at it. But even if the china will never be the same, it will still be a complete china and not some broken pieces.

[nazonoxa]

That's an awesome way to look at it. But even if the china will never be the same, it will still be a complete china and not some broken pieces.

Yes! And a rather beautiful one, with some painstaking Kintsugi. I totally left out any optimism from that quote, so thank you for pointing it out

[BlueHeronFan]

That's an awesome way to look at it. But even if the china will never be the same, it will still be a complete china and not some broken pieces.

Yes! And a rather beautiful one, with some painstaking Kintsugi. I totally left out any optimism from that quote, so thank you for pointing it out

Yes! I was just thinking of Kintsugi before reading your post. Our addiction has changed us and our lives, but that doesn't mean we're ruined forever. Awesome thought!

[nazonoxa]

Had a wank over a porn fetish yesterday. My heart was pounding furiously afterwards. No wonder I get addicted to this kind of fierce arousal.

[BlueHeronFan]

Sorry to hear about it. Retrace your steps and see what went wrong so that you know how to protect yourself the next time around.

Keep on going!

[nazonoxa]

I should decide what I need to / don't need to do now. In this month of June...

I need to : Eat well, exercise, spend time in nature, sleep well. Keep seeing the psychiatrist + ASD/ADD group. Keep track of spending.

I don't need to : Work, study, look for work, think about studying.

That sounds about right. Good idea me. Let's not get ahead of myself.

[BlueHeronFan]

I should decide what I need to / don't need to do now. In this month of June...

I need to : Eat well, exercise, spend time in nature, sleep well. Keep seeing the psychiatrist + ASD/ADD group. Keep track of spending.

I don't need to : Work, study, look for work, think about studying.

That sounds about right. Good idea me. Let's not get ahead of myself.

lol! It's definitely important to stick with our plans over time. Any change we make toward recovery will take time to really make a difference. Sounds like you were onto something back then!

Keep working at it!

[nazonoxa]

Any change we make toward recovery will take time to really make a difference.

I think you are right. One slow step at a time. Thank you!

[nazonoxa]

I know wanking makes me feel frail and unbalanced, yet still I wank. This is just silly.

I think I could really enjoy life as an ex-wanker. Like, I used to wank, but I don't do that anymore. Former wanker.

[nazonoxa]

Former wanker is going a bit 100%, but in my current depressed state I should be careful about self-medicating with masturbation.

[BlueHeronFan]

Former wanker is going a bit 100%, but in my current depressed state I should be careful about self-medicating with masturbation.

Definitely. Masturbation doesn't fix the problem, just hides it for a little bit. And then you have two problems to deal with after. That's a pretty bad deal if you ask me.

Finding other, healthier ways to deal with depression and other negative emotions is really important. That's something I'm working on right now myself.

[nazonoxa]

It seems like every minute I have multiple urges to wank. Went for a short (really short) jog to get myself outside.

Not sure how wanking less relates to porn abstention, but perhaps my wanking does go under the label of addiction too. Bad habit at least.

[BlueHeronFan]

It seems like every minute I have multiple urges to wank. Went for a short (really short) jog to get myself outside.

Not sure how wanking less relates to porn abstention, but perhaps my wanking does go under the label of addiction too. Bad habit at least.

Yep, it's definitely a part of my addiction. We're reclaiming our dopamine receptors, aren't we? Anything that messes with them is on my "Keep away from it" list.

[nazonoxa]

Yep, it's definitely a part of my addiction. We're reclaiming our dopamine receptors, aren't we? Anything that messes with them is on my "Keep away from it" list.

Fair enough. Not wanking couldn't be that difficult.

Still unsure how to see it as an addiction.

If I'm addicted to the feeling of ejaculation, I would have to quit ejaculating for life, and to me that's not an option.

If I'm addicted to the act of self-pleasuring, that's a behavioural addiction, and that's a complicated thing.

Whichever way I can learn to stay away from the act.

[Lero]

I've heard some people saying around here that if your masturbation use is for self-medication or "I do this because I abstain from P" then it's not a good thing.

[BlueHeronFan]

I've heard some people saying around here that if your masturbation use is for self-medication or "I do this because I abstain from P" then it's not a good thing.

Yeah, definitely. If I'm MOing compulsively in order to deal with stress or something like that, I think that's a recipe for addiction. The goal isn't to never ejaculate again, but to train myself not to need it in the wrong contexts just to deal with life. An orgasm in a stable relationship is one thing, but an orgasm just to get through the day is another thing entirely.

[nazonoxa]

I've heard some people saying around here that if your masturbation use is for self-medication or "I do this because I abstain from P" then it's not a good thing.

If I'm MOing compulsively in order to deal with stress or something like that, I think that's a recipe for addiction. The goal isn't to never ejaculate again, but to train myself not to need it in the wrong contexts just to deal with life. An orgasm in a stable relationship is one thing, but an orgasm just to get through the day is another thing entirely.

My wanking feels more like a repeated mistake than a compulsion. Or is that what compulsion is?

Maybe I'm not aware enough how much stress I am feeling. Therefore compulsion feels like a clueless mistake.

Better be mindful and kind to myself.

[BlueHeronFan]

Better be mindful and kind to myself.

Always a good idea! I support that 100%

For me, the goal is a stable relationship with an awesome woman. In my view, anything sexual that isn't about building a relationship and is only about making me feel good is a problem. Triggering my dopamine just for the sake of the dopamine seems addictive to me.

[nazonoxa]

Tomorrow marks 80 days without video binges, games or porn. Also a week away from wanking. Feeling very alive.