And I'm off.

[Jijnyasu]

I just wanted to make a note of this. Something is different today. It's hard to describe. But looking back through some of my posts, everything looks a little different. First of all, I think I'm only now realizing how deep into this I had really gotten. It's almost like looking at the account of some other person, if that makes sense. I mean, I know it was me, but it doesn't feel like it was me. I'm seeing that this had taken over pretty much my entire consciousness. I thought about it all the time, asleep and awake. For two weeks, I've been directing my thoughts towards other things. But in the last 24 hours, I find my mind is full of other things on it's own. I'm pretty sure it won't be permanent. The thinking pattern will come back. But I'm making careful mental note of how I feel right now. When I slip into another thought pattern, I want to be able to remind myself how I felt this morning.

[Jijnyasu]

My brain starts using all kinds of tricks to take me to porn. Old resentments come flooding in one after the other in an attempt to make me angry and feeling helpless about the fact that I cannot get any 'justice' for the wrongs that have been done to me in the past. Perfect reason to act out in order to escape the frustration and other uncomfortable feelings attached to those situations. Unresolved issues I guess.

Try this. The resentments. Think about it differently. Things happened to you in the past and you've dealt with them with porn. But you now know that the porn is hurting you even more. Are you going to let those things in the past hurt you more and more? Porn won't make them better. It seems like it will, because for a moment you'll feel better. But you know that it actually makes things worse. So you can say to yourself "that won't help" and know that it's true. You know your mind is trying to play a trick on you. But you know that response is no trick. It's a fact. Porn won't help, and you know it will make it worse.

Don't let them hurt you any more. Stop the cycle today. This is your day to stand up and fight back. Now get off the computer and go do something!

[Jijnyasu]

No question that I'm having a strange day. My mind is throwing a lot at me. The unusual clarity of this morning was replaced with a weird anxiety and very near relapse. You all know that feeling when your brain has given up resistance and you're resigned to the fact that you're going to find some porn. But something came up that prevented me from doing it at that moment, and I was able to resist after that problem was cleared. That was close.

I'm kind of back to where I've been for the last couple of weeks right now. It pops into my head a lot, and I redirect my thoughts fairly easily. And I'm noticing something else. It's been happening for a few days but I wasn't aware of it. When I do have thoughts I need to redirect, they're not as extreme as they used to be. No need to go into detail here, I'm sure you can all imagine. But realizing that was helpful. Just as the morning erections have been a sign of a difference physically, this realization is a sign of a change mentally. It's reassuring and it's helping me understand that this will work. There's no question about it. The escalation I went through with porn and sex is reversing. I feel like it's really important to press on through the next few days with a lot of attention on my thoughts and absolutely not letting myself fall.

[survivor]

Survivor here.

Thanks for your input re: resentments Jijnyasu. My brain bombarded me with lots of past resentments today. I was aware of the trick - trying to get me hooked again. In almost every instance I was able to cut off the monologue surrounding the resentment as soon as it started. A couple of times it ran on for about 30 seconds when I suddenly realized what I was doing, said "STOP"!, and broke the spell.

I'm happy to report that I had another clean day even though I had the house to myself until mid afternoon. Today was a success story and that's all that matters. One day at a time. I'll deal with tomorrow when tomorrow gets here.

Actually tomorrow should also be a success story because I will be in town for the better part of the day. Now all I have to remember is to not take any quick peeks when my wife is not looking tomorrow night. What I do need to do is drop you people a line regarding my day when I get home.


Thanks again for being there for me.

[Jijnyasu]

Glad to hear it Survivor!

I had a rough day. I made it through, but it was rough. Got home on time and was surprised to find I had the house to my self. I wasn't expecting that. So I dressed out and went to the gym. Had a really hard time keeping my eyes where they should be and I felt like a jerk. I'm just having a tough day. Going to bed soon and tomorrow will be better. After that great clarity about everything this morning, it stinks that it got so bad. I'm just bouncing all over the place. But I made it through another day. It was a tough one.

[rider654321]

Hey Survivor,
Congrats on another successful day. I'm kind of puzzled though reading your posts?

I'm happy to report that I had another clean day even though I had the house to myself until mid afternoon. Today was a success story and that's all that matters. One day at a time. I'll deal with tomorrow when tomorrow gets here.

Actually tomorrow should also be a success story because I will be in town for the better part of the day. Now all I have to remember is to not take any quick peeks when my wife is not looking tomorrow night. What I do need to do is drop you people a line regarding my day when I get home.

I'm puzzled why you say things like "Now all I have to remember is not to take any quick peeks when my wife is not looking tomorrow night?"

For me that's just a given! There is no peeking, period! And because there's no peeking of any kind I don't need to remember not to peek.
 
Comments such as  "I was alone all day today" have no significance either because it wouldn't matter if I was home alone for a week, I've made a commitment to myself to not look at porn.
There are no peeks. There is no I'll just have a little look to see if I can resist it (testing myself). I just don't fucking go there, end of story. 

Guy's you've really got to make a clear distinction in your minds about what you really want?

Your either going to take a stand and beat the damn addiction by never ever surrendering to it, or your just going to "try" and beat it. There is a distinct difference in the mindset of the two thoughts.

Survivor, you shouldn't have to be remembering to not look at porn. By thinking of "tomorrow I'll have the house to myself", it's like your allowing your subconscious to draw your mind into dwelling on what you did at those times in the past.

Try and see every day as just a new day that the new porn free Survivor will cruise through. Porn's out of the question for you, so being at home alone isn't a risk factor. When the thoughts arise just dismiss them and move on with your day.         

[Jijnyasu]

Rider is right. I caught myself last night. Just thinking about it wrong (and probably too much). I'm not fighting with porn. I'm not trying to hold it at bay. It's just gone. And I'm not going to feel sorry for myself about it, because there's nothing to feel sorry for. It did bad things to me. Good riddance. I'm not a poor, recovering addict. I'm a guy who had enough and took control of my life again. That's where I was a couple of weeks ago when everything was good. That's where I am again this morning. It's when i let myself think about "oh, this is sooo hard" that I start to get week. It isn't hard. It isn't anything. It's just gone.

The brain's ability to fuck with you is amazing. You have to engage that part that is fully conscious when you're clear minded and remind yourself what you're doing, and why. Then that's it. Put it away. I'm spending way too much time dragging this out and thinking about it. Stop being a guy who's "not looking at porn". I'm not doing a lot of things, but I don't think about them. Get on with life. Fill my brain with what I AM doing.

[survivor]

Survivor here.

Thanks for your comments Rider and Jijnyasu. I appreciate both your feedback and your concerns for my recovery.

I thought a lot today about what the two of you had to say. Upon reflection I think that different people handle their recovery in different ways.

As for myself, I look at my addict as a separate personality. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Almost like I have two personas. Dr. Jekyll wants the best for me but Mr. Hyde has his own plans. It does not matter that part of me wants to stay away from porn and that part of me can say "Porn is not an option." 'I', the Dr. Jekyll part knows that porn should not be an option and 'I' know that porn is unhealthy for me. However, Mr. Hyde has been in control for a very long time and is not going to quit trying to be in control just because I say "porn is not an option." If it were that easy for me I would not need this site, nor would I need the support of you folks.

For myself, the only way I can beat this stuff is to confront what is happening for me on a daily basis, be hyper vigilant on a daily basis and share what's happening for me on a daily basis, especially in the beginning. Additionally, because I have had such a long history with this stuff I know quite well what my triggers are, as well as knowing what my danger times are. And I need to address those issues as they arise, one day at a time.

I truly hope that I will get to a point where I can say to myself "Porn is not an option." with the solid belief that I will not go back there again. I know that sounds defeatist, however it's not meant to be. It's simply my awareness of the fact that I am currently quite vulnerable because I only have a few days sober and, as a result, I need to deal with situations as they arise and not get overly complacent. That's how I operated in my other program and it worked as it allowed me to get enough sobriety time together to believe that I really could live without that stuff. And now I do live without that other stuff.

I totally accept what you are saying re:  'porn is not an option'. It's a very powerful mantra and I am incorporating it into my recovery. However, for me, saying something and believing in it totally are two different processes. I have to keep drumming it into my head before it fully becomes my reality. We had phrase in my other program, "Came (no bad pun intended - it means to show up essentially), came to (meaning to open one's mind to another possibility) and came to believe." For myself, I came to this site, I've come to be open to the idea that it will help me; and all of you people have already helped me a great deal more than you even realize; and now I'm coming to believe that I really can shut myself off from porn for the rest of my life.   

Different strokes for different folks.


Once again I do appreciate all of your input. Catch you tomorrow.

P.S. I had a good day. A few urges this evening but I came to this site and wrote to you people instead.

[SO Reboot Partner]

Survivor here.

Thanks for your input re: resentments Jijnyasu. My brain bombarded me with lots of past resentments today. I was aware of the trick - trying to get me hooked again. In almost every instance I was able to cut off the monologue surrounding the resentment as soon as it started. A couple of times it ran on for about 30 seconds when I suddenly realized what I was doing, said "STOP"!, and broke the spell.

I'm happy to report that I had another clean day even though I had the house to myself until mid afternoon. Today was a success story and that's all that matters. One day at a time. I'll deal with tomorrow when tomorrow gets here.

Actually tomorrow should also be a success story because I will be in town for the better part of the day. Now all I have to remember is to not take any quick peeks when my wife is not looking tomorrow night. What I do need to do is drop you people a line regarding my day when I get home.


Thanks again for being there for me.

Great job identifying your triggers and setting your own boundaries! This is 90% of the battle, making that choice for a better life and love. Bravo, Dude, You are the Boss - not the p.
 

[Jijnyasu]

"We do not see things as they are, we see them as we are."
-Anais Nin

[Jijnyasu]

Survivor's comments really got me thinking. That idea that it seems as if there are two of us. But of course, there is not. There is the one "you", and there are your thoughts. You are not your thoughts, something I learned from a very good teacher many years ago. This article explains it much better than I can.

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2014/04/24/want-peace-stop-identifying-with-your-thoughts/

"Likewise, your THOUGHTS are never the real YOU. Why? Because thoughts come and go, but you are always present. YOU are aware of thoughts, thoughts are not aware of you, or as Mooji says, “Thoughts report to you, you don’t report to thoughts.”

"This is why believing our thoughts leads to suffering; because we are putting our attention/identity on a temporary and fleeting mental appearance. Because thoughts are inherently unstable, we feel unstable when we identify with them."

I'm going to paraphrase an explanation that I once heard that I could understand. There's that constant dialogue in your mind. A stream of words that never stops. But it isn't a dialogue at all. It's a monologue. It's a voice that we think is us. But if that is us, who is the listener? The listener is the real you. The monologue is simply your thoughts. The thoughts will happen, there's nothing we can do about that. We can quite the voice for a bit through meditation, or when we're single mindedly accomplishing an all consuming task. But that's temporary. The voice always comes back- the stream of thoughts. The key is understanding that the thoughts aren't real. They aren't you. Be the listener. When you have that realization, that you are the one listening to the thoughts, the illusion is broken. Stop trying to change the thoughts. Just realize that you can choose not to listen to them. When the thoughts start, become aware of the listener and realize that is the real you. Be the listener, and choose not to take the thoughts seriously.

[survivor]

Survivor here.

I'm still doing the things that work for me, and they are still working.

It's a beautiful day and I'm off to enjoy it.


Cheers to all!

[Jijnyasu]

This seems to be getting easier after week three. I'm feeling a lot better. I think last week was the hardest so far. A lot of mind games. A lot of trying to tell myself "Hey, you're better now. Just a little won't hurt.". It sounds silly, but your brain plays a lot of tricks on you. Glad I made it through, and really happy about how I'm feeling so far this week.

[rider654321]

This seems to be getting easier after week three. I'm feeling a lot better. I think last week was the hardest so far. A lot of mind games. A lot of trying to tell myself "Hey, you're better now. Just a little won't hurt.". It sounds silly, but your brain plays a lot of tricks on you. Glad I made it through, and really happy about how I'm feeling so far this week.

Well done Jijnyasu,
There are a lot of mind games in those first 3 or 4 weeks, and so long as your foundations for your reboot are strong
you can weather any mind storm that comes along. I've been in the doldrums the last few days and I've noticed that I've been tempted with a few thoughts and feelings. But I remain strong and committed and the thought of ever caving is just out of the question. I can't express how good that part alone feels. To know I'm being tested and that I will never give in to those temptations.

Your doing great my friend. Stay vigilant of the thoughts and keep walking the path. Your already seeing the improvements and it does keeps getting easier.

[Jijnyasu]

Yeah, the whole "reboot" thing can mess with you too. I've pretty much made a decision to eliminate porn from my life forever. I just don't see how any good can ever come from it. Sure there are desires that come about. And I know I'll MO again one day. I kind of tell myself that I'm really angry at porn for what it did to me. lol It's a silly way to look at it, but it works. And don't intend to make up with it down the road. There's a much better option in my life who's pretty happy to have me back.

[Jijnyasu]

Well, hell. I messed up. But I'm not going to let it derail me. I didn't binge. Just once. And I know one time doesn't undo all the prgoress I made. It's just a set back.

Damn I wish I hadn't done that. But it is what it is, and I know there's nothing to do but get back on track.