And I'm off.

[Jijnyasu]

I'll admit I had the most temptation yet, but I made it though OK! Having a fun day today. One week coming up fast.

[Jijnyasu]

Glad to be back home tonight with my wife. One night was OK. Not sure I'd make it through two. I don't think I'll have any reason to be alone over-night again until I have a better handle on this. I had a lot of thoughts today. It seems like every day since I started this, I put more things together. This is about so much more than porn and ED.

[Myformerself]

Hey Jijnyasu,
Hope the trip is going well.  Sounds like you still have that great mindset, that will serve you well in staying porn free over your trip. I have to admit I'm finding your journal very inspiring and having many parallels so please do keep it up! 

It is funny, but porn as an "easy way" really resonated with me, hadn't thought about it before, but that was definitely part of it for me.  simple to just log on, check out the pages and pages of porn and get off.  But what a loss and what a waste it all is, we were missing out on life, missing out on connecting with our amazing wives, and missing out on some amazing sex! 

Was just checking in to see how it went for you, as I head off on a biz trip tomorrow.  This is my first after starting my reboot.  My last trip was to an amazing place, just stunningly beautiful, and I spent a lot of my limited free time in the hotel room with porn.  what a waste, I will not do that again!   I'm heading in with the "porn is not an option" mantra.  Should hopefully serve me well.

Keep strong my friend.
MFS

[Jijnyasu]

Just replied to your thread before I read this! You got this, man. Mine was only one night. Glad to be home. Check in here if you feel like you might do something you regret. Reading this stuff and typing a mountain of what was on my mind kept me on track until I was so tired I went to sleep! lol

[Jijnyasu]

One week. I've read some people say it got easier. I've read others who said it got harder. I don't know what will happen for me, but I'm ready to face it no matter what. On to week two.

[survivor]

Hey Jijnyasu!

I admire your resolve and your fortitude. Stick with it. Even though you've only been at it a week you are an inspiration to me.

The urge came upon me like a ton of bricks yesterday. Absolutely overwhelmed in my gut by the yearning. Additionally, I was at home alone. Unfortunately it did not end well.

But... gotta pick myself up and start again. Only way to go is forward.

I hate admitting that I slipped yet again. Makes me feel like such a loser, especially when I read so many success stories on this site. But I know that the only other options would be to: 1) stop visiting this site altogether, and then I would be totally isolated with this stuff again, or: 2) lie to all of you and pretend that I'm doing well. That would be worse because my lying would only continue. The only way is to 'fess up to the truth, face my embarrassment and start again.

I read somewhere on this site about the 'porn is not an option' concept. Try as I might I can't hold on to that idea for an extended period of time. When the urge takes over as powerfully as it did yesterday NOTHING else matters. All the fears, warnings, memories of past embarrassments and awareness of potentially nasty things that may follow as a result of my behavior are totally inconsequential. It seems that the only time I find the strength to let go of this stuff for an extended period of time is when I have been caught in a humiliating situation. That strengthens my resolve for a while but then the urge gradually seeps in and overrides the memory of my embarrassment. The only thing that I know how to do is to keep telling my truth to somebody. That be you people at the moment. Speaking my truth has a temporary humbling effect on me and allows me to carry on sober for a short period of time.

I had a really good run of sobriety a few months ago. One of the primary reasons I did so well was because, whenever I had the urge I went to this site and surrendered myself prior to going to a porn site. And it worked. However, yesterday being a prime example, even though the thought of visiting this site first entered my consciousness, I chose to ignore that idea and proceeded instead to satiate the urge. In the past, when I have come to this site first, the urge has temporarily dissipated and I have been able to carry on with my day. But yesterday I LET my addict win. And that's a key word - LET. I had a choice. Even though the choice is not what my addict wanted I did have a choice. I simply made the wrong choice.

I admit there is a part of me that does not want to give this stuff up. I cannot imagine living without it. That's the part I need to work on, trying to get my head around the concept that I can live a satisfying, fulfilling life without having this compulsion rearing it's head. I understand the concept that the obsession and compulsion will lessen as time goes on. But because I've never gotten to that point for an extended period of time (my longest period of sobriety in fifty plus years has probably been about 35 days) I have never experienced an extended period of time free from the compulsion. It's an absolutely alien concept to me. Furthermore, it calls up the idea of being OVER THE HILL. If I am unable to have sex then I no longer have any value as a man. I am now a neuter, of little value to anyone and, worst of all it signifies to me that women will no longer find me appealing. I know what I just said is not true, however, it's one of the things that I have always struggled with. My entire life has been based on the concept that I have to be sexually appealing for women to be interested in me and that I am worthless if women aren't attracted to me. I'm a married man and don't need women other than my wife to be interested in me. Yet I still crave attention from other women. Obviously it's a character defect connected to low self esteem. Always has been. I need a woman to validate me and if a woman is sexual with me then I must be worth something to her and, therefore, 'I' must be worth something. That's how my brain works.

So... when I go to porn what I'm really doing is trying to convince myself that I'm man enough as a result of satiating a fantasy image on a computer screen. Bizarre!

I also have to admit that part of it is about control. When I'm fantasizing about an image on the computer screen I'm in control. It's gonna turn out the way I want it to and I'm gonna get what I want. No tradeoffs. 

The trick for me is to know that it's not about being MAN ENOUGH so much as it's about remembering  there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and I am complete, whole and worthy of being on this earth simply for who I am, a message I was never given fully as I was growing up. I will probably spend the rest of my life trying to assimilate the message, however, at times when the doubts and questioning seep in I need to remember that they are A LIE! I am complete even when I don't feel it.


That's enough for now,

Survivor     

[Jijnyasu]

Sorry, Survivor. But hang in there. I'll tell you what I think, and it's worth what you paid for it.

I don't know about you, but on a slow day I was masturbating to porn a couple of times a day. More often it was three or four. If you think about how all this works, and how your brain gets messed up by it, cutting that way, way down has to help. You had a set back, and I can see how reinforcing the old response/reward system messes things up. But it doesn't make all the progress go away. You're still in a better place than you were, and you're still moving forward. Just don't let one slip up turn into a week long binge. Get right back on the horse.

Man, I KNOW it's going to happen to me. And that's what I'll tell myself. It's a slip. Get right back on track, and the quicker the better.

Really interesting you mention the thing about equating value with attractiveness. I've had some weird thoughts about that for a while. One of the ways I knew something was really wrong is, I knew people are worth more than their sexual attractiveness, but I felt like I had to get approval from women to feel like I was worth anything. "This is stupid, I don't even like this woman! Why do I care what she thinks?!" But I did care. Not to mention, I have a wife, and I love her. It sounds like you have the same thing. You KNOW it isn't true, but you feel like it is.

That thought makes me really nervous. I'm starting to realize that I'm committed to this, at least in part, because I just want to solve the ED so I can perform better when I'm doing things I shouldn't be doing in the first place. Things that would put me right back where I started. It's a big problem, and I don't have it solved. I'm maybe a little further along with it than I was, but a long way from where I need to be.

That mantra is helping me. "You're a good man." I keep saying it to myself. I know I am a good man. Even at my worst, there were very good things about me. As I improve, I'm getting closer to being the man I want to be. Saying that helps fight that feeling that you're not worth anything. It isn't about what you look like, or how sexually attractive you are. We've just spent way, way too much time judging others that way. Of course we start to judge ourselves that way too. That's why I'm working really hard to stop objectifying women. It's tough, but I'm moving forward. But I really think it has to start inside. You nailed it, it's low self esteem. But we created it ourselves. I think it's why re-connecting with our wives is so important too. We need to wake up that relationship and those feelings that are about more than being attractive in a sexual way.

Don't beat yourself up too much. Just get back on track. Try to learn from the slip and get a little stronger. You didn't fail. You just took a step in the wrong direction. The faster you get moving the right way again, the sooner you'll get where you're going.

[Jijnyasu]

Here it is Survivor. Read this.

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/what-stimuli-must-i-avoid-during-my-reboot-did-i-relapse

"Counting days is purely psychological. What's happening in your brain is what's important. A very common question is "does this relapse set me back to day one?" or "have I lost all of what I gained?" Even though we cannot peer into your brain, the simple answer is no. The gains you made cannot be erased with one binge. Each time you restart, it should become easier, depending on the length of your abstinence. Keep in mind that nearly everyone who recovers from porn addiction relapses."

It didn't erase all the progress. Just get back on the hose.

[survivor]

Hey Jijnyasu:

See! It works when I work it!

My wife just left for work. I had every intention of going back to look at some more sites. However, I decided to check this site out first. And there you were! After I'm finished this post I'm gonna get some more yard work done.

Thanks for the 'one slip is not a back to zero restart' thing. It helps me believe I'm moving in a positive direction rather than spinning my wheels. And I guess, because I checked this site out first rather than going to a porn site, I am moving in a positive direction.

That thing about giving women power has been a part of me all my life. This is not meant as a put-down on women in any way. The truth of the matter is that, rather than seeing women as equals I have always put them above me. I assign them power based on the fact that my need to be sexual as a means of proving to myself that I am loved or worthy somehow has caused me to view them as having the power to control me. Truth be told I have been with women that have done that. But... not all women act that way just as not all men are chauvinists. It's an individual thing, not an overall gender trait thing. I try to deal with issues, whether they be gender based, racially based, culturally based, spiritually based, etc. on an individual basis rather than applying a blanket judgment. This is no different.

That being said, I think my objectification of women stems from a need to prove my self worth. I know I'm repeating myself here. The idea that I could have sex with a woman, or many women, enhances the belief that I must be appealing to them because they allow themselves to have sex with me, therefore I must be okay. Porn fits into to that like fingers in a glove. Porn imagery (the type that I watch anyway - one man and one woman) creates the illusion that a woman is totally physically hooked on her sex partner. It creates an illusion of the man as being some sort of omnipotent being. Although I have always known that the imagery generally portrays the male as getting his needs met over the female. However, because there is also this illusion that the female is satiated I have never wanted to acknowledge the blatant fact that the imagery almost always makes women subservient to men. I never consciously acknowledged that fact to myself before. I have to admit that the subservience to my needs aspect has always had an appeal to me. 

So.. still got a lot to work at but I count this situation today as a little victory.

I need to share that I personally don't like counting days of sobriety. This is just my own thing but I feel that if I start measuring I can get too cocky (pardon the pun). "Oh, I got this much time. I must have this mastered. I can ease up a little because I'm pretty sure I can handle this now." That's simply not something "I" can take a chance on. I've done that before. I gotta take it one day at a time. Besides serenity there is no reward for me for XXX days of sobriety. 

One more thing. Before she left for work my good wife called me "Her handsome man." I need to remember that everything I really need from a partner already resides under this roof.


Keep sharin' buddy. I like what you have to say.

Survivor     

[Jijnyasu]

Way to go, man. Take your victories where you find them.

I'm typing all this crap here because somehow it helps me. If it can help someone else, that's great. But I have discovered I have some desire to get it all out there. Brain dumping some of this somehow just helps.

[survivor]

Hey Jijnyasu!

I totally agree. What I write is really more for myself then anybody else. I'm figuring this stuff out as I go along. Writing it, so to speak, clarifies my thoughts and helps to eliminate confusion.That being said, I know from my 12 step program that the figuring it out is okay, however, ultimately it's about letting go of it regardless of what might have caused, or continues to cause it to happen.

But I've had some really big insights lately. These insights help me become more aware of how my brain operates. That understanding gives me the power to be conscious of when my brain is trying to trick me into my old behaviors. This brain stuff could really be quite fascinating if it wasn't for the fact that it's MY BRAIN that's in need of repair! It's always interesting to examine someone else's behaviors but not as much fun when I need to examine my own. That ole' ego of mine don't like to admit when he's outta line. Well... humility is a good thing.
 
My wife and I are going to the city for a few days starting tomorrow. As a result I probably won't be near a computer and will not have an opportunity to post while we are away. I'll do some serious posting when I return. However, I will definitely be able to stay sober while I'm gone. No opportunities to act out.

I enjoy your input. Cheers!

Survivor   

[Jijnyasu]

Dang, that was weird, and could have been very close. I need to watch it tonight.

Opened an email. Clicked a link. Just wasn't thinking. No porn, but something that got my brain right where I need it not to be. It couldn't have been a minute total, but I spent an hour talking myself down. It was just weird how it all flooded in. At least I was at work so there wasn't any opportunity to go binge on porn. Really glad it didn't happen at home. It might not have gone as well.

Well that was a wake up call. This has been going really well. I've had to redirect a lot of thinking, but I hadn't had any urge to go find porn until that. It hit pretty hard and caught me really off guard. But the weird thing is how it made everything kind of unravel so quickly. My brain, there for a minute, was right back to where it was a week ago.

I guess I should call it a victory. I was able to get back on track. But it was eye opening. And I have some cleaning up to do still so that doesn't happen again. Imagine not being nervous when my wife uses my computer to look something up, or take my phone to get directions. There's a lot of loose ends to tie up. And I need to tie them up before one of them catches me off guard again when I'm in a more vulnerable position.

Date night with my wife tonight. That will be nice, and just what I need to put that behind me.

[Myformerself]

Good for you jijnyasu.  Glad you were able to push that aside quickly.  You should definitely consider that a victory. And also a good indicator of some serious triggers. 

Cleaning out all of the potential triggers is a key thing.  for me what was key was not only cleaning out the images etc. but also going through all of those emails and doing a delete and block so that if I get any more from that source I never see them.  For me that included a lot of folks that I would chat with/exchange images with just to make sure a simple "hi" email didn't set me down the bad road.  I had a lot of correspondence that I am not proud of, wow, did this addiction put me down a bad path, and one that I don't want to go down again.  Sounds like the same for you.  You have made some awesome progress not only in staying clear, but also with coming face to face with all of the things you've done, owning up to the addiction.  Congrats and keep on going!

You hit the nail on the head about not being afraid when wife logged on or takes your phone for directions.  Felt like I was looking in the mirror on that comment.  I can't tell you how great it feels not to worry about that, not to be concerned about the cache or deleting the internet history.  And man, the phone thing is so true, now I am not worried at all, grab it, search it, open any file and it is clean!  Love it! 

Stay strong my friend.  and enjoy the little victories.
MFS

[Jijnyasu]

Thanks man. When that stuff hits you and you're thinking about it and feeling really bad, it helps to hear other people say they've been there. You feel like you're the only one who ever did that stuff. I mean, I know I'm not. But it's not the kind of stuff people talk about. Man, it's so ugly.

I had a great night out with my wife! 100% back on track now. I know it's only one week, but I really was surprised how hard that little trigger hit me. I'm a little more prepared now and cleaned up a fair bit of stuff earlier this evening.

[Myformerself]

Great to hear you had a great night with the wife, and keep on chugging bud.

You are so right on the past, it is so ugly, some crazy shit.

MFS

[Myformerself]

If you ever need support or need to get it out, feel free to PM me if I'm online.

[LLTJR]

Jijnyasu-
Thank you for sharing the real time trigger (email that you received) and then knowing you need to be aware that night. I am pushing through the waves during last couple of days and so far so good. It's the trigger coming out of the blue two weeks from now that scares me.

Just a minute a ago, I knocked on my neighbor's door (live on fourth floor condo unit) to ask about something totally mundane and 19 year daughter of our friend answers half asleep in a thin nighty with everything quite apparent. At the moment I am fighting a hard-on just writing about it. This is something I have not heard a lot of guys talking about--the relationship between live interactions with very attractive women and the temptation to do porn as a surrogate. I have not been unfaithful to my wife and certainly don't intend to, but for me, porn and real life interactions are related. Maybe tho is obvious, but part of my challenge is steering away from situations where I can be tempted. As far as I am concerned, live women with amazing parts trumps pixels any day.

Anyone dig on this?

 

[Jijnyasu]

I need to post this, just to get it out of the way. I MO this morning. I'm not calling it a fail. I planned from the beginning to incorporate that into my recovery as long as it was rarely and with appropriate stimulation.

My wife and I had a wonderful night last night. This morning I woke up at about 5AM with a massive erection. I rolled over and went back to sleep. About 7AM my wife woke and was feeling frisky. I was hoping we could have actual sex, but I wasn't responding. It stinks because I think I could have. Just, by that time, I needed to go to the bathroom, etc, etc. Who knows? But it doesn't matter. I told her not to worry and let's just take care of her. I feel like spending intimate time with her is helping us bond tremendously and I want her to look forward to that time, not the constant frustration she's had for the last several years.

Later, after she had left I had the house alone for a bit. I had a lot of thoughts going through my head and was massively tempted. My mind was playing those games with me. All the sneaky reasons why it would be okay just this once to get out the lap top and find some porn. I didn't do that, but told myself, instead, to take care of it in a more reasonable and normal way. I won't do it often, but I think I made the right decision. I feel back on track. I just need to make sure that it doesn't lead to more.

And I learned a lot. I've had great morning erections for four or five days now. That's encouraging. But I have to say, when I went to masturbate without porn, I was able to do it, but it was not 100%. It's good, though. I know for a fact, a week ago I couldn't masturbate at all without porn. So it is progress.

I feel like I need to make some rules now. When I started I told myself that there wouldn't be anything for a week. And I did that. But if I'd said that would be two weeks, I think I would have made a different decision this morning. It's like I gave myself permission a week ago to do this. I can't just trust my brain to set any reasonable limits. I have to decide now, with a clear head, what is reasonable to keep me on track.

Rules.

1. No porn. No exceptions.

2. No porn substitutes. No surfing facebook, or bikini pics, or anything else that's not a real live girl, which, of course means my wife.

3. No objectifying women. Yes, I'll get caught on this as I have been. But as soon as I realize I'm looking too long or the wrong way, shut it down. This is actually getting a lot better, and I feel like it's a very important part of my recovery.

4. Masturbation is OK, but only with "normal" stimulation. That means enjoying how it feels and thinking about my wife. No porn, obviously. No pictures. No Sears catalog. Nothing. And no more than once a week. I may make that longer in the future if I feel like I can.

5. Real sex with my real wife is OK. I have thought this through. That's the goal. I'm almost 100% sure that with Viagra I can have normal sex with my wife now. I've read a lot about this, and I think it's the right decision for my recovery and my marriage. And unless things drastically change (which I hope they do eventually) it won't be often enough to derail anything.

I know that once a week thing is arbitrary. We'll see how it goes. I really feel like I'd have done more damage today with thoughts getting out of line than I did taking care of things in a normal way this morning. I understand that I'm not "normal" yet, but I have to figure out the best way forward for me. If this doesn't seem right in a few weeks, I'll adjust. The most important thing, I believe, is ridding myself of the non-stop steam of pornographic, unrealistic garbage.

The most important thing. One more day without porn in my life. One more day working on getting my brain wired in a more normal way. Keep moving forward and string a few weeks together.

[Jijnyasu]

Just a minute a ago, I knocked on my neighbor's door (live on fourth floor condo unit) to ask about something totally mundane and 19 year daughter of our friend answers half asleep in a thin nighty with everything quite apparent. At the moment I am fighting a hard-on just writing about it.

Wow, that would be a tough one for any of us, I think! My experience is a little different than yours. If that interaction were to leave me with an erection, I'd be pretty happy, if I'm honest. My problem is more that I got to a point where I could only get aroused by porn. I certainly don't mean to imply that you want to be messing with the neighbor's 19 year old daughter! And it falls into my "objectifying women" thing. You're going to glance when greeted with something like that. Anyone would. Where some of us go off track is letting that trigger some inappropriate action. That's what you have to shut down. Sounds like you did a great job under tough circumstances!

I was trying to get somewhere quickly yesterday. Like most cities, mine has "that street" where there's lots of drugs for sale and prostitutes looking for Johns. Street walkers aren't a problem for me, so I don't think about that a lot. I turned down that street to get around a traffic jam. About two blocks later I said "Yeah, need to get off this street." lol It isn't that I was going to do anything, it's just the thoughts that creep in when you see things.

[Jijnyasu]

Not a good day. It's my own fault. The last year or so, I've done a lot of stuff. I guess there was no way none of it would come back to haunt me. In less than 12 hours, four people I shouldn't know in the first place reached out to me. I may not have looked at any porn, but all kinds of triggers, and all the things I need to stop thinking about. No question this set me back, and I haven't resolved all of it yet. I'm a little down.

I have to be honest. I started all this just hoping to fix the ED so I could keep doing some things I shouldn't be doing. But I've discovered a lot in the last week. I've said it several times. It's about becoming the person I want to be. But the person I'm leaving behind is making it difficult. And there's a lot of me that's not ready to let go.

I am going to get this back on track. But this is a set back. And I sure feel like crap right now.

[rider654321]

Rules.

1. No porn. No exceptions.

2. No porn substitutes. No surfing facebook, or bikini pics, or anything else that's not a real live girl, which, of course means my wife.

3. No objectifying women. Yes, I'll get caught on this as I have been. But as soon as I realize I'm looking too long or the wrong way, shut it down. This is actually getting a lot better, and I feel like it's a very important part of my recovery.

4. Masturbation is OK, but only with "normal" stimulation. That means enjoying how it feels and thinking about my wife. No porn, obviously. No pictures. No Sears catalog. Nothing. And no more than once a week. I may make that longer in the future if I feel like I can.

5. Real sex with my real wife is OK. I have thought this through. That's the goal. I'm almost 100% sure that with Viagra I can have normal sex with my wife now. I've read a lot about this, and I think it's the right decision for my recovery and my marriage. And unless things drastically change (which I hope they do eventually) it won't be often enough to derail anything.

Hi Jijnyasu

Can I ask why "Real sex with your wife" was the last rule, and the "masturbation rule" was put ahead of that?

As for masturbation, I personally believe it poses a real danger to a successfull reboot for guys like us who want to nurture a fulfilling relationship with our wives or SO. The problem is your still hiding the masturbation from her, and your turning to yourlsef to get your fix.

The problem with that (at least as I see it) is that if your mind works anything like mine, everytime I masturbated it meant I was more anxious about the likelyhood of ED happening the next time I went to make love with my wife. I always knew in my head that the longer it was since my last climax the hornier I usually was, and the more likely it would be easier for me to get and maintain an erection.

However, if I had masturbated that day and then the opportunity to make love came along that night, I would

(a) not be feeling as horny because I'd already climaxed earlier that day, and

(b) I'd usually have a mind that was filled with guilt about having masturbated earlier in the day (which as all us blokes know is never conducive to arousal).

I would encourage you to give up the masturbation for good and incorporate that into your reboot. You have a loving wife that is likely to be more than willing to tend to your needs in that regard. So I would urge you not to risk short circuiting your reboot by polluting your mind with feelings of guilt over masturbation.

I know we're all different, but in my opinion allowing yourself to masturbate during your reboot process while also working to rebuild intimacy with your wife is playing on a very slippery slope for a married guy. (I can appreciate that for single guys it's an entirely different matter).

I'm sure if you approached your wife and told her that you need to be relieved at least once a week she'll gladly help you out. But here's the thing I think you may be missing most? If your serious about rebuilding intimacy with your wife or SO, and your incorporating a lot of the non sexual bonding practices into your relationship, then you're going to be getting lucky a lot more than once a week anyway, so you'll be able to rule out rule 4 and the prospect of masturbation altogether anyway!

I haven't masturbated since I began my reboot. I have my eye on a much better prize, and I know there is simply no need to masturbate once you've restored your relationship with your wife back to a normal healthy loving relationship. The sex just comes naturally and its great! 

[Jijnyasu]

You make some good points. But, I wasn't going to hide the masturbation from her. She knows I masturbate and she has said before that if I'd stop doing it so much everything would be better. Turns out she was right all along. I was going to talk to her tonight about our time together this morning and what I did later. Actually, what I'm not 100% sure she knows is that I hadn't masturbated in a week. I'm pretty sure she knows I'm trying to cut way back. But she'll be shocked how long I went. Probably as shocked as I am! lol

Going to stay on track, and tomorrow I'll finish dealing with the crap that came up today. I'm really angry at "old me" for setting so many land minds.

[Jijnyasu]

Man, I just read what I just typed. That's crap. You're right, Rider.

Thanks man.

[rider654321]

Mate, its a big step forward just acknowledging that what you wrote was crap.

While ever you remain in the mindset of trying to beat the ED just so that you can continue to do the stuff you know you shouldn't be doing, your not on the right path to beating your addiction.

You need to rid yourself off all those old contacts, delete the old private email accounts you had and never go back there again.   

[Jijnyasu]

I've talked around it enough. I need to face this.

About a year ago the porn issue escalated. I started meeting women on line, looking to have an affair. I did meet some women, but nothing much happened. That led to escorts, and that's a pretty recent change. I did it 4 times. 2 of those, I couldn't perform, even with Viagra. And to be honest, that's what led me here. Every day, the escort idea fades a little more. I'm connecting with my wife and I think I'm going to be OK.

What threw me off earlier this week was contract from two different women I'd met earlier.* I hadn't heard from or tried to contract either in months. Two of them from out of no where on the same morning is just crazy. This is a difficult hurdle for me to clear. It shouldn't be. I know what's right and I know what I need to do. It will take me just a little time to push through this. I'm being strong everywhere else. I still haven't looked at any porn and I'm not committed to not masturbating at all for as long as it takes to get past this. I just wasn't prepared for this to pop up right now. It really feels like God, or whatever you want to call it, is testing me.

I just need a little time with all this. I know the right answer. I'm pretty sure I can get there. And I'm trying.

*(edit) There were actually FOUR contacts. It's amazing they all came within a few hours. Two were fairly easy to deal with.