Author Topic: I guess every form of refuge has its price (Read 16269 times)

jixu · « **Reply #150 on:** August 07, 2020, 08:13:29 AM »

Rats-slipped up on day 43!! My mind was wandering into dangerous territory a couple days prior and I didnt redirect the cognitive traffic properly. My last two were 30 days plus so I need to be more vigilant after hitting 30 days. Don't like coming on here and fessing up but I feel a lot better afterwards! I will also use Psalm 51 for some personal soul cleansing. I am doing pretty decent in overall life stuff and am getting back into the battle now and focusing on today and tomorrow! Take care and keep going!

Rex, your warning about outdoor hazards is duly noted-hope you keep getting your strength back!

1 Day Clean

Leonidas · « **Reply #151 on:** August 07, 2020, 09:04:32 AM »

Not many people like coming here to 'fess up as you say. Tied to that nasty little thing, what do they call it... the ego?

Anyway, I find it exemplar to a T that you are able to carry yourself forward rain or shine. Shows how much you radiate from within.

Remember the duality that operates in our minds. Can you also recognize what were some of the feelings that led to the P escape? And crucially, what needs were they trying to address? Speaking for myself, I often find that immersing myself in fantasy (which mostly ends up in relapsing) is trying to fulfill a need for companionship not present in my life right now. I haven't managed to end the behaviors yet, but looking at them straight in the eye is a start.

I don't see duality as a good/evil dynamic. I see the 'evil' side as a poorly learned mechanism some of us use to try to be happier.. With respect, I know the Bible insists on the duality. But along with God's forgiveness for 'sins', why not extend compassion towards self? After all, it's a side of you that is suffering and in want of listening to.

I imagine inviting my 'relapse-self' out for a cup of coffee and engaging in a simple conversation with him. How would it unfold? Could I momentarily resist the urge to reject him outright... and just listen?

jixu · « **Reply #152 on:** August 09, 2020, 09:29:47 AM »

Today is already off to a good start. Went on a nice jog with my wife that resulted in both good exercise and great conversation. Will have a special lunch, nap, stream a sermon, mow the lawn, and then enjoy some time tonight reading some Russian Literature. Reading the great Russian literary works is my form of a self-help book I guess!

Leonidas, thanks for your comments and encouragement. You are right on about fantasy, and it is good to ponder and reflect on it as you stated. It is also for me a sure-fire road to relapse.

3 Day Clean

Georgos · « **Reply #153 on:** August 16, 2020, 04:04:54 AM »

Hi Jixu, I know I have to be responsible writing on other people's journals or the MODs will take my comments down, but then that is there job, so hopefully I won't give them anymore work here

Your name sounds sort of Cantonese, not exactly sure why you chose it, but I am assuming you have a China connection.

I used to train at the Shaolin Temple for real after an British born Irish friend of mine started going there. I only really did t'ai ji, as I'm not Buddhist and don't like work which is the primary function of Gong Fu. However I think Gong Fu is a great discipline for giving up P.

The Abbott had a kid with his then receptionist, I don't know how old the kid is now, whether he goes to school or has started university, I hope he wasn't condemned to the temple for life, I still think Shaolin is a bit barbaric personally. At any rate, I just watched a video with the Abbott and it looked like a lot of TRIADS have descended on the temple since the birth of his child for training. I don't envy that job, teaching violent criminals morals and religion whilst at the same time trying to spread the message of peace.

If any of this strikes a chord with you then let me know, I have been following your progress intensely and wish you the best of luck with your struggles.

Feel free to PM me if you would like to find out more.

Thank you.

Joel · « **Reply #154 on:** August 16, 2020, 04:37:05 AM »

Good stuff, Jixu. Yes - I read an article recently about how great literature is great for sound emotional development! And it's awesome to stay inspired. Have a great day
J

jixu · « **Reply #155 on:** August 16, 2020, 05:50:04 PM »

Hi Georgos-that would be amazing to receive Tai Qi training at Shaolin Temple. Take care and best wishes.

Joel, I am trying to do something like what you are doing and am following your good example and am implementing web time reduction and switching to better stuff like reading some good literature. I have been into mostly non-fiction for a bit and am attempting some novels for a change of pace. thanks for the encouragement!

10 Day Clean

jixu · « **Reply #156 on:** August 22, 2020, 07:23:32 AM »

Got hit by a couple of stressors in the personal life that arose from unexpected quarters. I guess you never know what a day may bring forth. Thoughts of the "one click away quick release solution" raced through my head on several occasions but I was able to stay strong, chiefly due to going off line and going outdoors-those are good escape mechanisms.

One of the stressors centred on a dumb disagreement on a non-essential topic; it got prolonged and more heated than necessary and drained an already limited supply of emotional energy. It reminded me of a line from the Book of Proverbs that goes something like this: Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.

It also reminded me of something else. There is an old philosophical conundrum tossed about by people like Freshman college students that is something like this: If a tree falls in the forest, but no one hears it, did it really make a sound? But there is one for married folks also: If a husband is walking in the forest, and he says something, but no one hears it-is he still wrong?

15 Day Clean

Chris Oz · « **Reply #157 on:** August 22, 2020, 04:01:35 PM »

Stay strong jixu

jixu · « **Reply #158 on:** August 28, 2020, 07:30:01 AM »

Placed myself in a situation that had more Red Flags than a Kremlin May Day parade and I succumbed. Going to bounce back today as I am off work and have an outing to the great outdoors with my wife for some fresh air, conversation, treats, and viewing of God's wonderful creation. Have a clean day!

1 Day Clean

workinprogressUK · « **Reply #159 on:** August 28, 2020, 07:44:42 AM »

Quote from: jixu on August 22, 2020, 07:23:32 AM

If a husband is walking in the forest, and he says something, but no one hears it-is he still wrong?

If you work on the assumption that you are wrong, jixu, you probably won't suffer many disappointing surprises.
Sorry to read about your Kremlin incident. Can't do better than get out in the great outdoors, soak up the energy, and focus on being clean today. Take care and good luck!

jixu · « **Reply #160 on:** August 31, 2020, 08:43:24 AM »

Thanks WIP! Feel recharged after a nice weekend outdoors. I think it is clear that cutting non-essential online time is something I need to continue pursuing. So many other things out there!

4 Day Clean

Leonidas · « **Reply #161 on:** August 31, 2020, 03:40:11 PM »

Quote from: jixu on August 28, 2020, 07:30:01 AM

Placed myself in a situation that had more Red Flags than a Kremlin May Day parade

I love metaphors! I cannot resist the temptation to follow this up with: "more Red Flags than an expert-level Minesweeper challenge"? Of course, nowhere near as good as the original...

jixu · « **Reply #162 on:** August 31, 2020, 04:05:30 PM »

Hi Leonidas-your Minesweeper reference is a good one also!

Even though we are engaged in serious business here, not everything all the time has to be heavy, deep, and profound. Sometimes we have to just acknowledge and laugh at our stupidities, foibles, and frailties. Take care and keep at it!

LetItGoAlready · « **Reply #163 on:** September 06, 2020, 05:48:27 PM »

Hi Jixu,

Quote

One of the stressors centred on a dumb disagreement on a non-essential topic; it got prolonged and more heated than necessary and drained an already limited supply of emotional energy. It reminded me of a line from the Book of Proverbs that goes something like this: Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.

It was good on your part to recognize the disagreement as a stressor and trigger for you, and more importantly, to do something about it. I can't think of a better way to disengage from the stresses of life than to spend some quality time outdoors. Glad to hear the experience left you feeling recharged and gave you some perspective on how you've been spending your time.

Also, I'd like to add one more thought:

Quote

more Red Flags than a Kremlin May Day parade
more Red Flags than an expert-level Minesweeper challenge

More red flags than the bull run in Pamplona?

I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself. Full credit to your original, which was awesome by the way!

jixu · « **Reply #164 on:** September 07, 2020, 06:00:47 PM »

Been doing good on limiting recreational web surfing time- I still like to look stuff up and follow certain stories and events but such usage has been greatly reduced. Had some recent good walks and hikes and doses of forest therapy, thereby benefiting both lungs and soul.

Hi LIGA-the running of the bulls at Pamplona! A worthy addition indeed to the Red Flag pantheon-thanks!

11 Day Clean

Joel · « **Reply #165 on:** September 10, 2020, 06:02:46 AM »

Sounds good, jixu. Web detox is definitely a good habit that feeds recovery nicely!

jixu · « **Reply #166 on:** September 11, 2020, 06:44:00 AM »

Thanks Joel-I am making good progress on reducing recreational web time and have all types of reading materials readily at hand as good substitutes. I really like what you said on your journal about taking a peek is like taking a dose of kryptonite-that is how it all starts, the little doses, the little peeks, the little start down the wrong path.

15 Day Clean

jixu · « **Reply #167 on:** September 16, 2020, 10:44:55 AM »

Been doing good recently at keeping suggestive pictures and (more importantly) suggestive thoughts out of the mental fireplace, thus denying the insatiable flames further combustible material. Yes, embers and coals remain, yet they can do nothing but drift into extinguishment in the absence of additional fuel. Take every thought captive, and don't let them grow and fester! Stay in the battle, it is worth it.

20 Day Clean

UKGuy · « **Reply #168 on:** September 16, 2020, 03:14:28 PM »

Well done Jixu - if you don't take the first sip, it's impossible to get drunk! happy 3 weeks tomorrow!!

mr.slurps · « **Reply #169 on:** September 22, 2020, 01:35:06 AM »

Hi Jix, You're one of the best guys I've "met" here. You hit the nail on the head re some non-serious banter. For me the connection w/ you and others can't be fostered w/out some teasing and cynicism. Usually I like to make UK the butt but but but... hahaha
I'm hoping your streak keeps going pal.
Many moons ago I went on a tear w/ literature crossing them off my list: English, Russian, U.S., existential, mythological, religious... man, I hit every genre. It still reminds me how great heroes/characters faced the same challenges we do. And they flopped a lot. Did you know that Ghandi had issues w/ sex/abstinence/marriage? Check out his autobiography. He was making vows with himself re sex and many of us can relate.

jixu · « **Reply #170 on:** September 22, 2020, 06:45:18 AM »

Hi UKGuy-that is a good way to put it; it all begins with a sip, a small step away from the mark. Sometimes we can catch it, but it isn't worth the risk!

Hello Mr. Slurps! I also like biographies. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that if you drill down deep enough into a man's life something bad will be discovered sooner or later! But, like you said, it seems in the end we all face the same challenges. Keep up the good work!

26 Day Clean

LetItGoAlready · « **Reply #171 on:** September 22, 2020, 10:17:54 PM »

Jixu-I took a brief hiatus from journaling, but was pleased to see on my return that you've made it to 26 days clean. That's huge, man. Keep it up. You're doing great!

jixu · « **Reply #172 on:** September 24, 2020, 06:07:31 AM »

I recently came across an interesting item in our group health care provider's newsletter. It seems like common sense but it is a good reminder of one of the tools to deal with some of life's struggles. It pertained to the basic idea of just getting outside. Leonidas had been discussing it recently.
Anyway, It went like this:

"When you’re feeling stressed or dwelling on negative thoughts, head for the hills [go outside]. Levels of cortisol, a hormone associated with stress, drop by more than 20% after people spend 20 to 30 minutes in nature. Research also shows that walking in nature can help ease symptoms of depression and anxiety — and cultivate peace of mind."

Pretty simple stuff, but it is pretty cool to see the little neuroscience blurb embedded in the quote. Hard to see any downside to getting outside. Maybe nature helps us see how small we are in the big scheme of things.

LetItGo, thanks for the encouragement and keep up your good restart!

28 Day Clean

workinprogressUK · « **Reply #173 on:** September 24, 2020, 09:34:08 AM »

Congrats on your 28 days!
Couldn't agree more about the mental health benefits of being outside. I never fail to find something that lifts my mood when I'm outdoors.

jixu · « **Reply #174 on:** September 24, 2020, 06:47:20 PM »

Thanks WIP-believe me, I was living through you vicariously during your great recent beach trips! I love the forests and hills but the beach is my favorite; however, I can only get there about twice a year. Love those therapeutic waters!