Here’s my story

[Inkednready1]

Greetings all! I’m a 44 mwm who has discovered that porn has screwed me up. For my back story, I have always been very sexually actively, in the lifestyle, and happily married. I’ve watched porn off snd on for years, but never had any issues like this before. I’ve had months on end where I would have sex almost daily, sometimes more than once a day. As I got older and my sexual exploits have slowed down, I guess I started supplemented the lack of sex with porn. When I say lack of sex, I’d say it was down to a couple times a week instead of daily. Nothing caused the drawdown, just age, hormones, and situation mostly. I supplemented the sex drawdown with porn. My wife didn’t mind it as she enjoyed it sometimes too.

For the past year or so I’ve noticed a change. The sex I was having started dwindling further snd I was having difficulties getting fully hard. At first I was thinking hormones as I do suffer from low T as well. I was given Viagra from my dr and everything was good. My T levels were fine and I only used the Viagra during play dates and long nights. Things were ok but I still wasn’t right. The past few months I’ve noticed my erections coming less and less when trying to have sex, but would have no problem with porn. I always heard overstimulation could cause issues, but I didn’t think it would ever happen to me. So here I am. Not only is it affecting my sex life, I don’t feel whole anymore. I knew I needed to do something to get me back while.

I decided to give up the porn, give the chatting and writing erotica stories a break. I have continued chatting with friends but nothing sexual is involved. It usually takes a couple weeks for me to get back right but this may take longer this time. I’ve discussed things with my wife and I’m lucky to have an amazing partner. She knows I have been going through libido fluctuations so I told her what I’m doing and it should be the answer we have been looking for. I know it will be a rough road but it will be worth it. So I am on Day 3 with no porn. I’m feeling good and keeping myself occupied with other things. It’s a struggle throughout the day but I just look at the light at the end of the tunnel. I am going back to the gym as well to get back in shape I was a few years ago. I want to be as excited while being intimate with a woman like I used to! And I’ll get there. One thing I do know is that I cannot go back to watching porn snd masturbating numerous times a day.

So.... day 3 and I’m doing well. I think this journal will help me keep focus and help me meet my goal, and stay there. I’m expecting to flatline any day now and just wait it out until I start feeling whole again. I’m looking forward to having sex the way I used to, no matter how long it takes.

[otanerferguson]

It seems that you are very aware of what you are doing, on the right path to fix it and what to expect. I would say that you are going to weather this one. I would also bet that your T issues are related to this, as I read that there might be some down regulation of Testosterone accompanying desensitization and/or the flatline. Anyway, I can tell you that I raised my T naturally a lot, to the point where I have very good and high levels, and still no reliable erections and only intermittent desire with perfect health otherwise (Google send me down the testosterone path before finding out about porn-induced ED). So I'm hoping that the reboot will be the answer to you and me my friend. Keep going!!!

[Inkednready1]

Day 4. Mildly successful throughout the day. I think I am starting to flatline already. I will be able to tell more tomorrow. I am very aware of what I am trying to do and doing my best to avoid triggers. It’s a constant effort though. I had some temptation today with some text messages and videos that were shown to me. I was quickly able to steer the conversation away from a sexual element and avoid they cybering I typically get off on. No real need to explain anything either. One good thing about LS friends, they totally get that breaks are needed from time to time. I am keeping occupied in my spare time and not diving into the abyss that I usually do. Games, reading material, conversations are helping. I’m starting a new gym program on Monday to get my mind snd body set right like I was a couple years ago. I’m looking forward to it. Tomorrow’s another day. I just have to make sure I stay focused.

[Inkednready1]

Day 5 was yesterday. Was a rough one. I found myself subconsciously flipping through my phone. I noticed the trend right away but the habit of searching almost got it. Was tempted. I had a lot of stress snd anxiety. Not sure if it was the concentration of not looking at porn and beating off or something else. I need to find something to occupy my time. I will be out of quarantine tomorrow and will be headed to the gym first thing after work. I have my workout plan set and about to get it on. I thought I may be flatlining the other day, but after yesterday I’m not so sure. Woke up with morning wood this morning. First time in a long time. And have been wanting to spend more snd more time with my wife. Hoping some intimacy may help this along. But as I said before, work schedules and other activities hinder that at times.

Let’s see what today brings....

[Inkednready1]

Well, day 6 was yesterday. Had some temptations and I’m finding it hard to break the habits that lead me to porn. I found myself subconsciously scrolling looking for erotica, luckily I caught myself before I finished the URL. It’s crazy how your brain just does what it wants or thinks it needs. I woke up with a wood again this morning. This hasn’t happened in a while. I am not sure I am full flatline as I still have a lot of sensation. I did downloaded an app that will help me track my progress as well as this blog. It has a lot of meet tools that could be helpful. I did some meditation yesterday to help keep me focused snd I start back to the gym today. I’m ready to get my day started...

[Inkednready1]

Day 7 was yesterday. While I didn’t have any cravings or urges it was a rough day. Habit is still there b I was easily able to change my direction. It was actually a quick switch with no major issues. It was actually pretty easy. It was more habit yesterday than anything. HOWEVER...I was severely depressed yesterday. It was a rough day. My wife asked me what was going on and I explained what was going on with everything. She absolutely understood why I am feeling this way. This whole thing is a touchy subject since she blames herself for the PIED. I keep telling her it’s definitely not her. “Uou can get hard with porn, and with other people... I’m the problem”. I explained to her that my play with others is always prepped with ED drugs, and my brain has required itself to porn. I don’t think she fully understands how often I was using porn. I used it as a systems check for the real deal, but would be really frustrated when it wouldn’t get up for game time. We had a long discussion snd were ok. We ended the night with some very sensual lovemaking. I’m pretty flatlined so there was no penetration,  but just being with her felt amazing and was very enjoyable. On to the next day!!

[Inkednready1]

Day 8. Went well. It’s a weekend and I kept busy. Hung out with my wife and kids most of the day. I didn’t have many cravings or urges today. After the conversation with her Friday I’m feeling better about this journey. She’s been very encouraging since I said intimacy is ok and can be helpful. We been fooling around more which is amazing! I’m finally no longer feeling the pressure of getting an erection when we fool around which is helping us enjoy it. I did actually get enough of a hard on for penetration but I didn’t want to push it, just enjoying my time with her. That’s all that matters. She is being very helpful with resisting the urges I do get. I am hoping the flatline doesn’t last long but I am being patient. It’s all I can do as I work this rewiring during my reboot. Let’s see what today brings!!’

[Inkednready1]

Yesterday was day 9. Was a pretty good day. I kept busy, wasn’t on my phone much and spent a lot of the day with her. I’m finding I have a lot more free time and have been a bit more productive at work snd at home. I finished up some remodeling touches in the basement and was able to relax a bit. No play time like the past few days but that’s typical for our sundays. The urges for porn and masturbation weren’t really there. I can tell I’m still in a flatline but it’s ok. I’m noticing more physical reactions from my body when I think of her or am around her... which was missing for a long time. There’s still a long way to go and I feel I’m analyzing everything, but in a good way. My biggest concentration is just letting this journey take its course.

Today starts the work week. Downtime at work is when I would sit and surf the sites. Last week I kept busy snd I plan on doing the same. If there’s a time I would relapse with porn, it’s going to be at work. But I’m ready for it. I’m hitting the gym and starting a new workout program so that will help. I think a good combo or physical and mental health will be a big help and get my blood flowing in all the right places lol.

[Inkednready1]

Yesterday was day 10. I’m feeling ok. No real urges minus some random pics I saw but nothing to give me the irresistible need to whip it out. I’ve resisted masturbation before for a lot longer for many reasons before, so I’m not too worried about that. The porn on the other hand is more difficult. Sex and orgasm has been a MAJOR part of my life since I can remember, real sex as well as masturbation. Usually when I am getting laid regularly masturbation dramatically decreases, which makes a lot of sense. But as I said before, the PIED I am experiencing is a whole other animal. The urge to check if I can get hard is getting stronger. I’m still in flatline. I thought maybe that I was coming out of it, but I’m not sure. The anticipation is getting to me. I’m getting impatient. I want to have sex. It’s frustrating. Sex is very important to my marriage and it’s been lacking for a while due to my issues. I guess I need more patience. When it comes to my sexual prowess, I usually don’t have it lol. Oh well, writing these thoughts down is helping me though. I can tell you that.

I went to the gym for the first time in over a year. It felt good. I was able to run a couple miles (very slowly though since I’m so out of shape) and started some body weight circuit training. I walked out of there dead lol and feeling good. The blood was definitely flowing. I am hoping this will help me out more mentally because I know I will benefit from it physically. Rest day and back to it tomorrow. I hope I have the strength to get through today.... I got this... it’s just getting hard (no pun intended lol)

[jixu]

Awesome job on the double digits (10 days) and on getting back to the gym after a year's absence.  Keep the workouts going and stay alert with work and web surfing!