My journal to recovery- Could use support

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Day 10! Got a few (computer) errands done) I saw another sport thing I want to go to tomorrow but it's sold out... Organization will really make my life better, start planning further in  advance. With planning and organization things simply go better. They have another the following week, so perhaps I'll try that?

Anyways no morning wood today, all good as it is natural for it to go up and down but.... Like I said I can look at it like day 1! Think about how in just a few short days my brain will be healthier then it is now and I'll have some solid morning wood.

I am ever so slightly under the weather but to the extent that I believe I can go about my usual day, just makes me a little bit more tired and slightly congested. I've not been drinking my smoothie so want to get back on that.

[BlueHeronFan]

Congrats on 10 days and making and achieving goals all over!

Glad you're doing good and feeling good! Just keep it up!

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Day 11!

Thanks so much for the support. So I got the job, start Monday. : ) It is a huge step forward for me in life.

Funny even though that is happening last night and this am felt pretty bad. Went to a social event and we had conversations and I feel like I pissed people off. That actually could be true..... I didn't insult anyone but I think I may have been too open about some things.

Oh well. Maybe it is fine, it could be just a matter of that fear of not everyone liking me popping up. Woke up this morning no morning wood again and feeling kind of anxious and stuff.

But the good news is I already feel better, and none of that stuff is really a big deal....

Last night I really had strong urges and impulses to fantasize about a girl. What kept me from doing it is the GOAL and being very aware of the downsides, since I have been writing about them so much. That shows me what I am doing IS WORKING. Had I not set the goal, not been writing about the downsides etc. I wouldn't have gotten through it, so that is encouraging. I will be sure to put in some effort today, shore up my motivation.

Anyways, funny that this am I wasn't even thinking about the new job until I posted it! It's like getting a freaking job I wanted was a footnote and the main thing that happened in the day was feeling like I messed up socially for 30 minutes, in a place I can choose not to go back if it turns out it's no good....

[wecandoit]

Funny even though that is happening last night and this am felt pretty bad. Went to a social event and we had conversations and I feel like I pissed people off. That actually could be true..... I didn't insult anyone but I think I may have been too open about some things.

This happened to me when I had a longer streak and it made me feel kind of euphoric. Maybe I wasn't used to the good feeling that the streak was giving me and I became too talkative, too extrovert and stuff. Then I went home and started analyzing and thinking if I had pissed anybody off.

[BlueHeronFan]

Funny even though that is happening last night and this am felt pretty bad. Went to a social event and we had conversations and I feel like I pissed people off. That actually could be true..... I didn't insult anyone but I think I may have been too open about some things.

Oh well. Maybe it is fine, it could be just a matter of that fear of not everyone liking me popping up.

I bet it is fine. I know I always feel like I've blown it after social interactions. Like I talked to someone on the phone last week, and it was totally fine and normal and pleasant, but I spent the rest of the day after feeling like I had made myself look like an idiot or something. I'm sure the person I was talking to didn't give it a second thought. If you're anything like me, you have a habit of magnifying even the hint of negativity in a social situation and then dwelling on it for way too long after. Maybe sleep on it and see how you feel before deciding you actually did something wrong.

Also, huge congrats on the job! That's awesome news and definitely a good step forward. Just keep taking those steps. They're leading you somewhere awesome!

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Day 12! I think I had some temptation to fantasize last night, I just stopped trying to go to sleep for a little bit (laying in bed trying to "force" sleep has been one of my biggest dangers). Then I went to sleep after no real problem. I just had a cool dream, just now right before my alarm.. In the dream I was reading some silly article about movements and politics I disagree with I was reading it getting mad about it then had the thought "Meh, it has nothing to do with me. No reason to get upset I'll just focus on my life". Actually some solid wisdom there. It was just like "there is no point in being upset about things that have nothing to do with me and I can't control".

It is actually a very useful lesson for me at the moment, cool to actually learn/be reminded of something in a dream!

Also had some morning wood this am. I expected this but a good reminder, there are ups and downs on the way to the goal.... First idk 4-6 days fantasy free felt like constant progress then it was  a dip for awhile now a positive sign again. Big part of why it's very helpful to keep the future/goal in mind. The day to day can trip us up, feel like there is no progress/ point or whatever, when the big picture isn't kept in mind.



Thanks man, great point! Just last week I was sure I had an enemy and a bunch of people didn't like me etc. I ended up

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Not feeling great at this exact moment but one great thing that will really help me in the future: Regaining the ability to nap! It's crazy but in the past most of the time if I get in bed during the day I would be thinking about girls or fantasizing. The last few days I have been able to just lay in bed and let my mind wander/nap for 20 mins or so. Boy is it nice and talk about peaceful... So looking forward to this as another big benefit of being clean, being able to just lay down and enjoy laying down and resting

[BlueHeronFan]

Sounds like good stuff once again! (Especially sleeping and napping, lol)

Getting close to your 14 day mark! Just keep doing what you're doing!

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Day 13! Thanks man, I really appreciate the encouragement and reminder, it's odd it actually feels surreal that these two weeks seem to be going so fast.

Yesterday I pretty much rested for most of the day, I was tired and sore, glad I did! First day of work today. I wanted to work out this am but slept extra instead I can work out in the afternoon.

I am a little nervous, but that is natural at a new job. It may take a few weeks or a month or two to adjust to the new job, so I'll keep that in mind.

[BlueHeronFan]

Sounds like a great mindset. Get your rest, give yourself time to adjust to a new job, and keep letting the time fly!

Hope it all went well today!

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Day 14. Thanks man! Looking forward to goal achieved tomorrow. Yestarday was a good day. Today got up earlier for work not feeling good yet, but I'll remember that can change!

[Jeks]

Nice job quit. Keep up the good work.

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks man! Some mild urges, going to stay vigilant!

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Day 15 GOAL ACHIEVED! I felt a but like I limped to the finish line, was super tired thoughts popping into head etc, but got it done! Cool to achieve a goal like this cut and dry I did it! Anxiety was down and boticied it was easier to not look at girls abd I feel less desperate overall. So this did exactly what I wanted.

In my personal journal I yave 30 days set as the goal so on to that!

[BlueHeronFan]

Woohoo! Congrats on achieving the goal! And I think you're strategy to use it as the first step toward the next goal (15 to 30) is spot on! That's exactly the strategy that gained me a lot of distance from PMO last year when I hit it hard.

And who really cares if you limped to the finish? You finished! I know it seems like my addicted brain always throws a tantrum when I'm close to reaching a goal. It's just a last-ditch effort to derail you. Limping or not, you stuck it out and achieved something good.

So definitely keep it up!

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Day 16! Thanks man! I remember you using the strategy and great way to look at it.... who cares if I limped? That is basically like saying the goal was hard to achieve, nothing wrong with that, I did it!

Last night was tough as well thoughts popping into head. I know EXACTLY what the problem is, the last two days I was simply exhausted. I fell asleep trying to watch a video from SMART last night, and felt quite sad last night after coming off esspresso which I used to stay awake.

So it's simple: I am overreaching a bit, I have been exercising in the morning and doing activities in the evening, the new job is tiring. So for today I will work then go home take a nap, have nothing planned for evening. Allow my self to rest and get grounded again. In 2-3 weeks I'll be more adjusted to the job and able to do more.

Had morning wood this morning for first time in awhile, which is encouraging

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Some urges today. Simply being so tired has made things tougher, but as planned going to take a long nap and not do much this evening, renew my energy that'll make it easier to focus and make sure I am on track, plus hey it's not all about work. Rest can be really nice and enjoyable!

[BlueHeronFan]

I think it's a great idea to refocus on staying properly rested. Good catch on the overreaching! Goals are important and good, but not if we run ourselves dry.

You already know it, but I just want to say it anyway (lol), we have to find the lifestyle that we can see ourselves living every day for the rest of our lives. If the habits that are keeping us clean for now aren't something we can do every day forever, our next relapse is just a bad day waiting to happen.

Keep rocking it, man (but with a nap or two thrown in there, lol)!

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Very great point. Rest didn't go too well, feel like I wasted it sort of, oh well. On to tomorrow. Lot of urges right now, just gotta stay vigilant

[Jeks]

Hey quit, awsome job on day 16 and everything you do. Trying to be proactive and aware is one of the best things you can try to do.
Due to my depressions i really have got a tough time finding activities to rest properly. Thats why my therapists gave me a list of enjoyable activities, which i should rank for myself. I found it quite a good exercise. Maybe you can also find something relaxing, but at the same time distracting from cravings.

https://www.livingwell.org.au/well-being/mental-health/pleasant-things-to-do/

Its not the same list, as my therapist gave me, but they are more or less the same.

I think it's a great idea to refocus on staying properly rested. Good catch on the overreaching! Goals are important and good, but not if we run ourselves dry.

You already know it, but I just want to say it anyway (lol), we have to find the lifestyle that we can see ourselves living every day for the rest of our lives. If the habits that are keeping us clean for now aren't something we can do every day forever, our next relapse is just a bad day waiting to happen.

That really resonated with me blue. A really good way to look at it.

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Day 17! Thanks Jeks! Will check the list out for sure. Going to cut out the internet for today and the weekend. I spent my res ton youtube, very unfulfilling. But all I can do is move forward.

Still feel like I am "limping along". Some mild changes are in order:

i used this book to write goals: the system is too complicated so I will find a new one, simplified and that can be reviewed daily.
Scheduling time better.

Simplicity is key reading this stephen covey priorities book and if's all this stuff about different "generations" of time management and a bunch of theory about how the wrong systems mess up your life. Too much complexity. Maybe I can use my own goal system.... write them down read em in the morning, done lol

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Stomach pretty upset and pretty tired, have a work break though. Hows a gealthy way to habdle this discomfort and hopefully rest?

[BlueHeronFan]

i used this book to write goals: the system is too complicated so I will find a new one, simplified and that can be reviewed daily.
Scheduling time better.

Simplicity is key reading this stephen covey priorities book and if's all this stuff about different "generations" of time management and a bunch of theory about how the wrong systems mess up your life. Too much complexity. Maybe I can use my own goal system.... write them down read em in the morning, done lol

A great example of making changes for something more sustainable. For me, I make a to-do list for the next day at the end of each day. I also do a less-specific weekly planning session where I look at big priorities and goals that I tackle throughout the week. It has worked pretty reliable for a few years for me, but everyone's workflow is different. What matters is that you're working on it mindfully and finding your way.

Sorry the rest wasn't so restful. Ironically, it can be a lot of work to rest. I can totally understand that watching YouTube might not have really been restful, but also be careful that it's not just your productivity brain getting upset with you for taking some time off. I know I'm really good at beating myself up for taking a break every now and then, and there's no need. So definitely adjust how you rest if you need to, just be aware that your subconscious might fight back (mine does).

Sorry, too, about the upset stomach. I hope you're feeling better soon!

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Day 21
Man! Took a freaking while for the forum to come back! Got fired for no reason from that job, just got called two days ago and basically insulted told it wasn't for me today was very very tough. Feeling insane anger and stress and overwhelm today hit heavy bag it helped a bit. Still urges popping up.

My brain keeps saying to me "You have a little money you should use it to buy an escort and feel better". Writing it out shows how crazy that thought is. I likely wouldn't do it but would browse escort sites, maybe text them, get lost in the fantasy. Glad I wrote that, it's crazy!

Anyways hope this site doesn't keep going down! I don't like it as much but I made a journal and account at the nofap website forum so if this site goes down don't lose you all. Username quitforeverthenwin2 and journal is called My journal to recovery - step by step.

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Day 22! Still been limping along but I got 3 weeks! Thoughts of girls popping into my head but have no indulged. I feel a bit torn part of me feels like I could have done better, stopping them sooner but I am not sure. Like they last seconds, but i can feel my body react strongly to them. Well the way I categorize things is CONCIOUS fantasy is the problem. I think sometimes new behaviours just feel so unnatural I almost feel like I am not doing them?

That may not make sense but an example, I was in yoga class and we were about to go into a position where I'd have a view of a girl in a very triggering/enticing position. I closed my eyes and kept them closed, but the whole time I felt like man I want to see that so bad and felt the urge in my body. I felt like I was looking and my mind was not on bored with my eyes closed, even though I did keep them closed. Almost like a feeling of disassociation toward the positive action and the urge felt more "real" then what i was actually doing. I don't think it's a big deal, thats actually a win, being able to control my actions regardless of feelings and urges, just something to keep in mind. That this odd phenominum makes me feel like I am not succeeding, not doing the right things even if I am.

Yestarday was super tough, I felt very mad about losing the job and betrayed, but I got through it. Just did my workout felt really weak and it frustrated me a bit, the job I had I wasn't sleeping as much and it took tons of energy so it threw me off a bit, maybe on Friday I will purposelly go light in the gym so I can recover and progress again