My journal to recovery- Could use support

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks for the support guys!

[BlueHeronFan]

Yeah, I think you're in tune with what you need to do. These lapses never really catch us by surprise, so it's honest and important to recognize that. Choices led you to that gray area, and choices can lead you back out. You're in control, and that's a good thing.

Also super important that "normal" for a recovering addict is not the same as normal for other people. We can't compare ourselves to everyone else. We have different challenges and vulnerabilities, and we need to take care of ourselves not try to live other people's lives. It's so easy to think that we're just putting in our time of good behavior so that we can go back to how we used to do things, but that won't work. We have to recognize and commit to changing our lives permanently. Given the fact of our addiction, we have to learn to live in a way that keeps us moving in the right direction.

You know what you have to do. Probably there are two halves of you battling it out, though. Whichever side you act on is the one that will get stronger. So cut the garbage out and give a boost to your better half.

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks man on the money! I wanted to say "luckily" things are more on track, but it's not luck! It's action. I added screen time blocks to my phone which are super helpful! Like yestarday I automatically wanted to check my phone and even had a inkling to check out a grey area thing but I saw my internet was grayed out and that snapped me out of it right away. I made a SCHEDULE of routines to follow in the morning and evening which really had been missing. I commit to follow it to a T for 3 weeks then can change it. I am looking forward to it.

[BlueHeronFan]

Good stuff, man. Take concrete action and commit to it! You're right that luck has nothing to do with it, and that's an empowering thing!

[Non-Dual Adventurer]

Hey man, sounds good about the schedule. I just bought a weekly planner so I write all the things I have to get done and then every morning when I get up, I look at it again and re-prioritise what is most important whilst drinking my coffee.

In terms of P blockers, I recently downloaded Net Nanny, which is good, but not perfect. I pay $45 a year for it and it will work on up to 5 devices including all computers, laptops, tablets, and phones. The really clever thing about it is, is that it works on a protocol level, so it doesn't matter what network you're on, P will be blocked wherever you are. Also if you switch your phone from wifi to 4G. That was a major issue for me in the past - all the free blockers just block stuff on the network you're on, so I found myself just switching to mobile data. Stupid stuff like that.

Net Nanny slows my internet down from time to time but not always. Usually mainly slows it when I'm not on my home network. Then again, my laptop is super old (it's from 2011, lol!) so that's probably the main reason it's not working optimally.

The filter is not perfect, but it's a damn sight better than having P on call at any moment. I find myself occasionally still googling things, but the filter kicks in with a block. My wife has the password to the Net Nanny app, so anything I google, she can see. Anything that's blocked, she can see. All in all, despite its downsides, it's worth the $45 because now it's a lot of work to try and look at questionable material, and I feel safer on my computer with it installed. Oh, and just in case you're wondering, in order to uninstall the software, my wife would have to enter the password, so that doesn't work either!

Maybe consider buying it and giving the password to a friend or family member. $45 really is not a lot of money for something that can make a tangible difference in keeping you safe from your addicted brain.

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Sorry guys will read your replies more deeply a bit later, they are always appreciated! Having a bit of an urge so just want to get through this a bit post here.

Okay, checking phone a bunch felt "desparate for girl" saw all these attractive girls and felt desparate for them/ to talk to them. So all these little indicators of danger. Just a reminder to myself, it'll pass and I'll ease up on myself for a little bit get through this other things not too important

[BlueHeronFan]

Yep, watch those feelings, let them pass. Put your mind and or body to work on something else (exercise, cooking, woodworking, etc.) Maybe it's obvious to most people, but I'm just learning that I can change how I feel by changing what I'm doing.

I know that feeling of desperation, but it doesn't actually help you get anywhere. It just makes you feel bad about where you are now. Do what you can to let it go and settle into a comfortable present moment.

[quitforeverthenwin2]

 Well I messed up again, day before yesterday. Went on escort sites and browsed. Even worse I texted a few. : / I know exactly why, I kept tinder open and didn't tell anyone, checked a few times and that built the urge. I can NEVER have online dating apps ever. Broke my commitment and that led to a lapse.

Anyways yesterday was good. I was a bit down about that mess up but getting right back on the horse and did put things into perspective I have not MO'd in prob over 3 maybe 4 months now. So still my brain is healing for sure. Just gotta get back to even cleaner.
 
1) I have said this a million times but I am adding back in PURE meditation. For me brief meditation works. Adding to my evening routine, for this week at first, 10 minutes of meditating sitting in a chair! I sometimes did it laying down and in the evening more urges would pop up. In the past meditation has really helped me catch urges quicker I think this is the main missing peace.
2) Putting more into handling urges. Have a distracting activity next to my bed, I need to get serious about doing it every time an urge pops up. Thinking that when an urge level hits a 4 out of 10 then do the activity. Did that last night and it worked great.

I think meditation is going to be big, just an extra boost to my awareness that I think I could use right now. 10 min works well for me and sitting up, at the end of a routine that already clears my mind

[BlueHeronFan]

It's definitely time to be really careful. Take it from my off-roading during the holidays. These little things add up when we keep letting them happen. It's time to hit the brakes before this gets out of hand. For real, man. Don't do what I did. Even if you don't go as far as a full-on PMO relapse, this kind of stuff will take its toll. Shut it down and do something else.

Meditation and a distracting activity sound like good things. Definitely think about adding more things to your toolkit. I know exercise has been helpful for me sometimes when I'm dealing with urges. Hard to be serious about PMO when I'm doing yoga or pushups.

You're definitely on slippery ground, but you can get back to safety. You just have to get back to safety (it's 100% up to you).

Rooting for you man. Decide not to mess up tomorrow. Put yourself on a schedule, have a plan, whatever works. Don't give yourself permission to step into the gray areas (or worse)!

[quitforeverthenwin2]

It's definitely time to be really careful. Take it from my off-roading during the holidays. These little things add up when we keep letting them happen. It's time to hit the brakes before this gets out of hand. For real, man. Don't do what I did. Even if you don't go as far as a full-on PMO relapse, this kind of stuff will take its toll. Shut it down and do something else.

Meditation and a distracting activity sound like good things. Definitely think about adding more things to your toolkit. I know exercise has been helpful for me sometimes when I'm dealing with urges. Hard to be serious about PMO when I'm doing yoga or pushups.

You're definitely on slippery ground, but you can get back to safety. You just have to get back to safety (it's 100% up to you).

Rooting for you man. Decide not to mess up tomorrow. Put yourself on a schedule, have a plan, whatever works. Don't give yourself permission to step into the gray areas (or worse)!

Thanks bro! Totally on point with all of this, thank god that these days since have been very good. I definitely agree with the bolded part, it was time to add some new tools to my toolkit, really there were indications I should have done that weeks/ a month ago. I have added to my toolkit: A 10 minute meditation in the evening, last thing I do. I do it sitting in a chair so I stay awake and that helps to prevent urges form popping up as I do it. This is helping HUGELY. Evenings have been the toughest, I remember you (I think it was you?) said meditation is almost the opposite of addiction. So now the time when things were going off the rails, I am now meditating. I feel like pre bed I am pumping my prefrontal cortex with blood (meditation literally does this!) so being out of addiction mode.

The second is: I have juggling balls (lol) right next to my bed. When an urge/ image starts to pop up, I juggle for like 30 seconds to break the mind pattern, PREVENT them from gaining strength/ building up. This is massively helpful, I may not catch 100% but it's like half or more of those super mild urges and thoughts get reduced by 70% that seems to REALLY add up. Juggling is actually what allowed me, years ago to go my first full week MO free!

These are the tools I was missing,  I think.

Finally I was thinking about: It's not just what I needed to do, perhaps even more important is what I need to stop doing! Tinder uggghhhh that is a pretty inexcusable error to make. I know I can not do that. Also less looking at women's body parts.

Finally, that whole lapsy thing, the first grey are let me break it down:

Saw girls body part. Talked to her was in compulsivey mode (not get to know her/ HAVE STANDARDS mode)
She unsurprisingly didn't respond well (that is not proper mind frame to talk)
My addicted mind felt desparate for a girl with similiar body part. Was in seeking mode looking at girls, head on a swivel (NOT how I want to be, absolutely not the image I have for myself... )
Then I started texting girls old numbers, even the triggering girl! Compulsively checking my phone more and more. The urge built and built.

So I can see very clearly how this all built up.... And what needs to be done differently at the earliest stages:

1) I decided that triggering girl had to go. The number must be blocked and deleted. I have evidence. Blocking and deleting the number works, trying to keep any contact or not ending things IMMEDIATELY with no possible reintroduction does not work. That connection must be fully severed IMMEDIATELY. Having it open is like keeping downloaded porn on phone. You know it's there, urges will be induced by that knowledge and it leads to bad places.
2) Looking at women as whole people! Limit/ cut out looking at women's body parts.
2b) Having a logical overlay for my decisions about women (what? lol) So emotionally I can want a girl, or my addiction can insight urges for body parts. But I want a logical decision making process for whether I'll go on a date with a girl. Certain non-negotiable qualities. That way I can not be sold just based on the sight of a girl. If I feel that way I can logically remind myself "wait IDK if she violates this thing I want, or if she has this thing etc."
2c) Focusing on more generally changing the mindset too. Friend gave me GREAT advice. Instead of "Omg what a nice body part I hope she'll talk to me"   "Well, would I enjoy talking to her?".  I guess I backsliding a bit on my mindset around women, but that's all part of the improvement process.

Anyway thanks so much for the support blue! I also am still following the routine I made in the mornings and evenings, added meditation too it which I think really will help unlock everything else

[BlueHeronFan]

Anytime, man.

I think your two new tools are really great. Meditation, I have heard, does directly heal the parts of the brain that addiction damages. Pumping your prefrontal cortex full of good blood is an awesome way to fight back at this thing. And I love the idea of having juggling balls close by. What a great way to redirect your brain and body to something that requires concentration and short-circuits the urges. It's also good that you're noticing that nights are harder. Learn the patterns and respond accordingly.

And you're right to work on cutting out tinder, phone numbers, looking at body parts, etc. I see it in myself and in other people too: the thing about our addiction is that we do get some benefit out of it (we wouldn't be addicted if it was all bad). Because of that, there's probably always a part of us that doesn't want to quit, so we end up leaving little breadcrumb trails for ourselves so that we can find our way back to the addiction. Maybe tinder and keeping girls' numbers are part of the breadcrumb trail, the little things that keep you connected to your addiction so that you can find your way back even when you know you want to quit. Get rid of that breadcrumb trail and go forward without reservation.

[quitforeverthenwin2]

100% on the breadcrumbs. Very good insight on that. Thanks for the general encouragement and affirmation of these knew wrinkles! They are going well so far.


Had a big argument with my father about an hour ago. A standard argument, me asking him to be less mean to me, him criticizing me and telling me I have failed at everything (in so many words). He and my sister are basically simply mean to me. And trying to set boundaries leads to attacks on my character and my mother. I was grappling with this a bit. Being around them can be very difficult, the solution is simple. Not be too extreme I'll be real with you guys ( I get thoughts like I can't wait till he dies, then I'll be able to feel so much better about myself), or I'll never talk to either of them again. But a more balanced approach: I am taking a break from them, and telling them "If you want to be around me you have to respect my boundaries, I don't care of you say this means I am crazy etc. if you don't respect them I will not spend time with you". Simple. It's this cycle of being around them and being treated poorly in unpredictable ways. Then if you try and set a boundary the real viciousness comes out.

My mother told me she felt so worthless when she was with my father and eventually she just decided "well I guess I am worthless and defective and bad at everything but I'd rather be worthless on my own". She has been with another man for around 20 years now, and is super happy. (By the way just want to put it out there, my mom went to college years early because she was so smart and has a law degree, she is incredibly smart and my grandpa's (mom's dad) parents were murdered when he was 18 (no joke) and he became rich with no education (seriously) so her and that side of the family are pretty damn badass.

Anyways I digress (sorry just don't even want anyone to think there was any truth to any of the bullshit my father made my mother feel). But anyways it's nothing new, thats what he and my sister do, the need people around them and to treat those people badly, to feel okay and if you try and leave or set a boundary viciousness. It's shocking how much this can throw you off and fuck with your self-image. They are nice sometimes, is it me? Are they right? "How can I be confident when I let people treat me this way".

I am happy with how I responded I did this visualization exercise examined the feelings and I believe these specific feelings, the weakness feeling of being bullied that I got from my father and sister growing up is so wrapped up in the addiction, feels like it's damn near the root of it.

Anyways a bit of a ramble, but I just realized I gotta set the boundaries. If the consequence is not talking to them or rarely I will accept that. Just like my mom "Well, I guess if I am crazy and over sensitive and can never do anything write, I am going to have to do that without you (dad and sister) in my company".

I also need to stop relying on them, I do accept help from father and sister, the foundation of this is INDEPENDENCE. That's on me handling my own life then setting the boundaries as a separate self-sufficient (or interdepedent with others) entity.

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Well, I had a big win last night.

As you may have noticed I had a little family drama lol. But anyway I felt upset and as I went to bed, I was very aware that I wanted to imagine a woman in my bed with me and right away I recognized "Oh, I want to imagine this woman to feel comforted". I have a framed photo of my childhood dog and I thought "wait let me feel comforted in another way". So I took the frame and held it looked at it for a long time in my bed and remembered my dog and how I used to feel comforted by him. It was mostly very positive. I cried a bit, I guess in large part out of the built up emotions from the evening. Then I put the photo down, thought a little more of him and fell asleep....

Really happy with this. What I am quite proud of is the fact that, I just was so aware of exactly what feelings I was feeling and what this urge was, a desire to feel comforted and quasi connection. So created this fantasy woman to do that. Rationally this is obvious but I find it cool that right in the thick of those feelings I recognized this, recognized the need I was trying to meet in a less than good way and replaced it with a healthier habit. It's cool how meeting that need, that feeling of connection putting my mind in that place thinking about being loved, even physical affection touching my dog him sniffing me etc. pretty much IMMEDIATELY took away any urge I felt to start imagining women. Cool experience, different from just doing other activities to distract myself until the urge in the background fades (Still very important critical part of recovery, this is a new tool not a meant to replace the entire toolbox) but doing this filing the desire/ whole in a healthier way it just dissipated.

It is also cool in that, it was just a better use of my imagination. Instead of imagining women and sexual situations that don't exist at all, I am imagining and remembering and thinking about a real dog, who I really loved and really did love me.

One last thing, I think the meditation I am doing deserves some/much of this credit. It seems to be upping my awareness. I always used to meditate in the morning. In the evening (sitting down key!, not laying down) it seems to be such a great addiction fighter, it primes my brain with that awareness and is a nice end to the day

[W4tchmak3r]

That was really awesome man. Congratulations on being able to have that level of control and self awareness. I really take my hat off to you on that one... very admirable for you to turn things around.

It not only shows great progress in your addiction journey, but fantastic resilience in you as a person, especially coming from a really hard place with your family.

Keep up the great work and I’m excited for you to move onto more wonderful things both in your mindful capabilities and in your direction in life!

[quitforeverthenwin2]

That was really awesome man. Congratulations on being able to have that level of control and self awareness. I really take my hat off to you on that one... very admirable for you to turn things around.

It not only shows great progress in your addiction journey, but fantastic resilience in you as a person, especially coming from a really hard place with your family.

Keep up the great work and I’m excited for you to move onto more wonderful things both in your mindful capabilities and in your direction in life!

Hey man,thanks so much! That encouragement means a ton! Still felt a little shockwaves about the family thing but reading this is really encouraging me to keep getting after the positive!

[quitforeverthenwin2]

A bit of sex fantasy interspersed with a bit of fetish fantasy last night. I know exactly the problem, juggling is great for handling the small urges, but the big stronger ones need a stronger tool. So next time, go for a walk leave the apartment. I also need to re up my motivation, I can do this by writing and reading WHY I am quitting. So that is an action step for soon. Worn out today, all good just was working out a little too hard.

[BlueHeronFan]

Lots of good insights and progress, man!

Tackle stronger urges with stronger tools, look for real connections instead of urges.

Sorry to hear about the family trouble. I know tension in my family puts me in a weird place (probably at least part of why I had so much trouble when I was home for the holidays). I guess these are the kinds of situations where we just have to learn healthier coping strategies because it's not an easy fix (like deleting a triggering app).

Keep going!

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks for the support man! Same stuff last night but less intense. I think I really had over done my workouts, I was sick then started working out like 3x as hard as before so was just so tired. OH well lesson learned took two days off and back at it tomorrow. I got an telephone support buddy today. I was really kind of nervous about calling someone up etc. but man it is really awesome, we had a good talk and I texted when I had a craving to fantasize and wow that really helped. Looking forward to building up a small support network, I think that can be really helpful.

Feeling better for sure. Have not been doing my evening routine though, but I may change it around a bit and then reintroduce it. Some of it (Affirmations, really just seemed a bit boring and didn't seem helpful). So I can see what worked and what didn't and reintroduce some of it.

Had a good talk with my mom today and have some ideas about my midterm future as far as work etc. so that has me feeling better. I am not 100% what the future brings, but I kept feeling like I had to take classes or training programs to totally change my career, but I already have some skills. Maybe i can just get some job I can live with and then use that extra time, not training but working on doing side projects for myself that can hopefully lead to making money/ a business (my real desire). Plus remember Blue, we talked so long ago about leaving writing behind (you) and public speaking (me) I have taken no action on that since..... BUT I am going to go to a speaking club tomorrow! I don't know if it'll be good or what but to heck with it it is step one to getting back into it. I have that worry I won't be as good etc. and don't want to speak in front people who knew how good I was but this is a huge step try out a few other clubs see how it goes and then perhaps slowly rebuild my skill and go from there.... It really is a talent I have and it feels kind of bad to not be using it... But it'll feel damn good TO use it!

[BlueHeronFan]

Glad you're feeling better. I always have to remind myself that everything comes and goes. Whenever I'm feeling down, I end up thinking it will be forever. It never is. Keep moving forward!

And that's awesome about the speaking club! I hope that goes well. I was doing pretty well at writing every day, but I still haven't figured out my schedule this semester. So it's more like some days, but I'll get there.

This is what counts: nothing flashy or too exciting, just showing up every day and putting in the work for recovery. Onward and upward!

[quitforeverthenwin2]

As always thanks for the support man! The club had a special event contest or something so I didn't get to do any speaking but it was still nice to go! Upstairs neighbors who I'd never even seen before invited me to watch superbowl! Nice opportunity to socialize hopefully make new friends/ more of a community where I live. I heard banging yestarday they were moving furniutred I offered them help and it turned into a little convo and an invite! Also got a guy's number at the gym and another's email. Wasn't feeling great today but it's cool to be pursuing friendships and a happy life the way I was pursuing girls! Funny how I was less scared to ask a girl out then ask a dude to hang out.... it's all about practice I get. So anyway thats good. Desperately need a job/money got some silly (legal) hustle hopefully for this week to make some money.

Anyway, thanks all for the support!

[BlueHeronFan]

Anytime, man!

Sounds like good stuff. It sounds funny that you would be more nervous to pursue a male friendship than a date, but I get it. It's a new muscle, but it's a good one to exercise. I think pursuing a full and happy life is a great way to go. Put your date-seeking energy into living life, and the right kinds of girls will end up in your orbit.

Sounds like the storm from last week has blown over, too, which is great. Get right back to business and keep rocking!

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks man! I think you put the nail on the head. I need to fill up the rest of life. I was going on this bad dates, which can be triggering when the girl has no emotional or personal appeal the sex object mindset takes over and that is very connected to PMO BS. In large part that was happening because of simple loneliness and wanting to do fun stuff and hang out with people.

So hanging with the neighbors was fun! I was a bit surprised, didn't realize they were gay but it was like 20 gay dudes hanging out, no women and I was the only straight guy lol. I was a little taken aback at first, I have had a few bad experiences with gay friends making some uncomfortable attempts but for the most part everyone seemed quite respectful and I had a good time. Overall I was happy with it but I may be ever so slightly cautious, not remotely homophobic but I have had bad experiences with gay friends before (attempting to touch me etc.) so I'll be a little cautious, as in that situation it built over time. Just as many straight men sometimes have trouble accepting a woman is not playing games or playing hard to get and she seriously wants to be only friends and no sexuality is involved, gay men have the same trouble.  But anyways didn't run into major issues (one dude touched my back twice another guy went to hug me good bye- That guy seemed cool may not have realized I was straight). But overall a great spor and being straight it couldn't have been a less triggering environment which is good lol. A woman stopped by for like 15 min though and I immediately was trying to look at her body, so good to be aware of that and see the contrast, how my focus changed.


Going to a sport league tonight, really feeling I could use the more activities in life.

Now the bad news: Fetish fantasy again. I have become okay with a lower standard of clean. Let my set point lower, that's just the fact. Like I allow myself to fantasize more, not viewing PMO fantasy as a huge problem (I went months with out it!). So I need to get my self in gear. This is not acceptable and I don't like admiting it to myself but no good and likely undoing some progress so I need to get back in the game and cut this shit out! Cut out Fetish fantasy, and less internet use key. I've been saying this but that's not enough going to spend 30 min tomorrow review smart book and revamping my motivation.

[BlueHeronFan]

I guess that's not what you expected, but it sounds like it was still pretty good overall. That's awesome! No matter what, you've enlarged your circle and brought new experiences of connection and friendship, all of which will take a chunk out of the addiction.

You're probably right about the fantasies, though. Time to get serious with them. I hit some bumpy road today (see my journal), but I'm remembering that I wouldn't keep doing things I know I shouldn't if I wasn't getting something out of them. Do you have a feeling for what you're getting out of the fantasies? What gap in your life are they trying to fill? Don't just willpower your way past fantasies, address the underlying need they're trying to fill.

Keep going!

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks man! Will check out your journal ASAP, hope it's not too bad. Honestly as simple as it is, I think it was simply boredom and laziness. Just not having anything to do as I fell a sleep so like "meh I'll fantasize'. A lack of motivation and needing replacement activities at night. Last night was thinking of a girl, but not fetish bs. So progress. Tonight fill that void very simple, I have a fun book and I'll read it as I fall asleep!

Got some girls numbers today, maybe over did it a little, but had fun.

[BlueHeronFan]

All progress counts, man! Just keep it going!