Author Topic: Porn Addiction & Confusion- Recovery  (Read 361 times)

spectre21

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Porn Addiction & Confusion- Recovery
« on: September 25, 2020, 03:18:04 AM »
Day 1 - The Start

Hey all, I’ve been going through a rough time recently and I’ve binged into watching porn compulsively. It’s starting to be a real problem for me as soon as I give in and watch, I’ll binge and have multiple wanks one after another. I can’t even go for a drive without having to pull over and even at work sometimes I’ll struggle with myself to not run to the toilet and crack one out.

It’s got to the point where I would now rather watch porn than have sex with my girlfriend. This in turn has made me start questioning my own sexuality as I no longer want real sex and also have found myself being very particular with the kind of content I would consume. This tends to include a story line of women cheating, and her being treated quite violently and of course in the majority of porn videos, this includes the girl getting fucked by an oversized cock.

Watching a beautiful girl have sex isn’t enough for me, I need to her want it badly and to be a filthy slut in order to get that extra thrill.

I am not someone who has escalated into watching gay porn, I have tested myself in my confusion but quite frankly find it gross and uncomfortable to watch.

You would think this would be enough to reassure me of my orientation, but the fact I wank to a women getting fucked by another man has really been playing on my mind for months.

It’s never been a problem for me before lockdown happened due to COVID 19. I’ve always identified as being straight, getting  romantic feelings towards girls, getting nervous when speaking to them, noticing their beauty, and only ever desiring to build my life around a lifelong relationship with one. Even throughout years of watching porn of heterosexual sex, I didn’t really think twice about it. I have never really felt disgusted by watching a woman give a blowjob or her being fucked by a penis but nor have I for what I can remember ever had a sexual craving for one myself or the desired to be with a man sexually or romantically.

I have started to realise that realistically anyone who watches porn, has morphed their sexuality to find other people fucking sexually stimulating and therefore every man out there is a cuck.

For months I’ve been so confused and overthinking everything due to countless forums from people saying that all porn does is help you find out who you truly are sexually and it’s a great platform to explore these things. This has caused me to binge on porn and not care enough to stop because this kind of content was ‘Who I truly was’ and there was no point stopping.

Well this is all great, however whatever I am sexually, consuming this content doesn’t help me because I’m wasting my life way watching videos of unrealistically beautiful women pretending that they love being violently sexually abused. As stimulating as this might be for me, these pixels on the screen will never love me back.

I am so done with all the questions and the endless binging on porn content. I’ve tried to stop but has been hard because I’ve been convinced by things I’ve read that all I’m doing is running away from who I truly am.

The truth is, I don’t care who I am anymore and I’m not stopping porn based off the fact that I’m scared of who I might be.

I am stopping porn because it’s the only way I can be free from being a slave to a computer screen and to enjoy a happy, interment relationship with the girl that I love.

If anyone has any tips please share them! Thanks 😊


 
« Last Edit: September 25, 2020, 05:48:28 AM by spectre21 »

uKnight

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Re: Porn Addiction & Confusion- Recovery
« Reply #1 on: September 28, 2020, 08:48:35 PM »
Hey bro you got this.

I definitely agree that porn rewires our brains not only in dependence on dopamine but it rewire our sexuality and preferences. Porn takes your sexuality away from natural sex and moves you to getting off by watching other people and not participating. This fucks up our sexuality in very unhealthy ways. I've also dealt with confusion about my orientation and have gone through periods in life where I believed I was gay. I still haven't figured it out but I know that my sexuality was distorted and perverted by years and years of watching porn as a teenager with a developing brain.

You may want to look into HOCD and how it is related to porn addiction. It seems like you've been going through that lately and a lot of guys have found that it goes away after getting rid of PMO.

Porn fucks up your brain, but the good news is that our brains can be remolded and healed.

My best advice is to never give up and every time you relapse let it give you strength to come back stronger. It's like getting your ass beat in a fight, do you go home and sulk or do you build yourself up to win the next time and redeem yourself?

Best of luck bro.


spectre21

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Re: Porn Addiction & Confusion- Recovery
« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2020, 10:21:05 AM »
Day 7 - 110% Commitment

So after a few failed attempts, I have made it to 7 days without porn or masturbation. The first few days seem to be the hardest to get past as I found when I was only a few days in, I could convince myself I could PMO once more and start my reboot tomorrow.

I had a real blip earlier today, I wanted to watch porn and wank so badly it brought me to tears. I am praying that it gets easier.

But I am here and 7 days clean. I am going all in with this reboot. I am cutting out all artificial sexual stimulation and I mean all, along with fantasy as much as I can.

I have done this by:

- Limiting Instagram to 10 minutes a day (as models and girls are massive triggers)
- Unfollowed as many models as I could on social media
- Deleted all photos of women stored on my phone
- Deleted Tik Tok (Massive trigger)
- Installed Qustodio on my computer on phone. This is an website blocking software which costs £50 for the year. It has allowed me to block all porn and chat room websites.
- My girlfriend has set this up and has the password and so I can’t access it even if I tried. Even if I somehow try and search for content this information will be saved for her to see.

I am aiming to go a full 90 days without any kind of PMO and then maybe gradually introduce masturbation back into my life if I feel like it’s the right time in my recovery progress. Whatever the case. I am ending my porn use for good!

All I want more than anything is to be able to enjoy my own company, rather than fear it! ☹️

Fappy

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Re: Porn Addiction & Confusion- Recovery
« Reply #3 on: October 04, 2020, 08:01:38 PM »
Congrats on the week down!
Its grea tthat youve taken these hardline steps at ensuring you wont go anywhere near any type of artificial stimuli! With that type of dedication you are sure to suceed!
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

spectre21

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Re: Porn Addiction & Confusion- Recovery
« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2020, 06:29:51 AM »
Day 9 - Relapse

Had an awful relapse last night. Managed to somehow gain access to porn via my PlayStation and it sent me down a tunnel of me being convinced this is all I’ll ever be and that I’ll end up cheating on my missus because all I think about is sex.

Actually tried to break up with her because I was so scared I’ll do something in the future to hurt her. I feel like I don’t have any control over myself and my porn urges and so therefore shouldn’t resist because to resist is wrong (according to mainstream media)

Instead of leaving me after I begged her to, she drove over to my house at 2am and comforted me until I feel asleep. I’ve got myself a gem and I can’t fuck this up.

It’s about so much more than my addiction now. It’s about my relationship and my mental stability.

Let’s go again - Day 1




Fappy

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Re: Porn Addiction & Confusion- Recovery
« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2020, 07:46:10 PM »
Day 9 - Relapse

Had an awful relapse last night. Managed to somehow gain access to porn via my PlayStation and it sent me down a tunnel of me being convinced this is all I’ll ever be and that I’ll end up cheating on my missus because all I think about is sex.

Actually tried to break up with her because I was so scared I’ll do something in the future to hurt her. I feel like I don’t have any control over myself and my porn urges and so therefore shouldn’t resist because to resist is wrong (according to mainstream media)

Instead of leaving me after I begged her to, she drove over to my house at 2am and comforted me until I feel asleep. I’ve got myself a gem and I can’t fuck this up.

It’s about so much more than my addiction now. It’s about my relationship and my mental stability.

Let’s go again - Day 1
That sounds pretty fucked up! And i know from bitter and wanky experience that it isnt easy to acess the net browser using the playstation! (and typing in the website address using the controller, jesus...)
The feelings that you felt before and during, those feelings of utter worthlessness and some sort of sense of self-loathing, that was all illusion, please understand that. Your addiction will trick your mind with these toxic thoughts in order to get you to feed it. Its a really tricky little cunt, and knows just what to tell you to get you to slip up. That wasnt "you" thinking those things, but rather the demon-slut thats possessed you and driven you to it. Also, mainstream media is an idiot.
Wow, she drove to your house at 2am!? Damn you must be needy as fuck! This is another unattractive quality that porn abuse has ravaged you with and that, as you said, threatens to fuck things up even more.
All these problems are caused by your PMO addiction. Your mental stability, feelings of worthlessness, creepy neediness, etc. all these can be cured if you stick with this reboot, trust me!
Take it very slowly I think is best for you and your emotional state. One day at a time, literally. One day without PMO is a good day, just keep thinking that. Then do the same the next day.
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

spectre21

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Re: Porn Addiction & Confusion- Recovery
« Reply #6 on: October 06, 2020, 05:48:44 AM »
That sounds pretty fucked up! And i know from bitter and wanky experience that it isnt easy to acess the net browser using the playstation! (and typing in the website address using the controller, jesus...)
The feelings that you felt before and during, those feelings of utter worthlessness and some sort of sense of self-loathing, that was all illusion, please understand that. Your addiction will trick your mind with these toxic thoughts in order to get you to feed it. Its a really tricky little cunt, and knows just what to tell you to get you to slip up. That wasnt "you" thinking those things, but rather the demon-slut thats possessed you and driven you to it. Also, mainstream media is an idiot.
Wow, she drove to your house at 2am!? Damn you must be needy as fuck! This is another unattractive quality that porn abuse has ravaged you with and that, as you said, threatens to fuck things up even more.
All these problems are caused by your PMO addiction. Your mental stability, feelings of worthlessness, creepy neediness, etc. all these can be cured if you stick with this reboot, trust me!
Take it very slowly I think is best for you and your emotional state. One day at a time, literally. One day without PMO is a good day, just keep thinking that. Then do the same the next day.

Cheers dude, I appreciate your advice man. First time it’s ever happened but felt like I just snapped because I dreamt I relapsed and then work up. Told myself that I can’t be helped as I can’t even escape even when I’m asleep and therefore decided to act on watching porn again.

I will get my life back from this. Mark my words!