Author Topic: Exodus  (Read 16524 times)

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #50 on: March 24, 2019, 04:36:07 PM »
Just finished the book "Your Brain on Porn", an incredible experience. First time I have sat and read all day for about 30 years I guess. I would say it is a must read if you are trying to quit porn.

40-yearsOnVideoPorn

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #51 on: March 24, 2019, 09:43:15 PM »
I definitely agree with you on that 100%. It was the real game-changer for me. I’m certain I would just be spinning my wheels right now in frustration if it weren’t for the information in that book. I’ve been trying to quit since I started. I’ve been to high-priced Ph.D. psychologists, 12-step SA groups, clergy. They all prescribed their method and it all failed for me. 30-days was the longest I’ve ever been ablg to go, blindly white-kuckling the whole way only to fail. The frustration drove me insane.

This book has only been out since 2017, I think, so... I don’t believe it was ever possible for me to quit before that, not until I learned the information in that book. I was too far gone. I felt my case was hopeless. That book changed my life. I read it. I understood everything clearly and my whole path was clear. I feel like I was cured right then and I believe time will prove it.

I’m done with porn and now I clearly understand what those feelings are and how to cope with them without relapsing. I never would have got that on my own. Not in a million years. Without Gary Wilson, I never would have figured it all out like this. Amazing book!

Glad you were able to study it and I hope it gives you all the tools you need to fix the issues that drive you to use porn. Watching your progress has been very encouraging for me. Looking forward to a brighter future for both of us!

40
« Last Edit: March 24, 2019, 09:54:23 PM by 40-yearsOnVideoPorn »

Prodigal son

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #52 on: March 25, 2019, 08:01:25 AM »
Be aware that around 10-12 days you may experience some unexpected temptation as the DeltafosB levels start to recede in your brain.
Be well my brother in Christ

I am aware this week might be harder than last week. I have decided to turn off my computer and phone tonight when I go to bed and leave it off until next Saturday morning. I will be working long days and I have books to read so I will not miss it. I will keep my phone with me and charged while driving in case of emergency. Next weekend I will follow the same procedure I did this weekend; pay all my bills, remove the rest of my money from the bank in cash, and plan some social events.
Stay with it, you're making all the right moves and staying focused.  Go Moses Go!

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #53 on: March 26, 2019, 03:37:15 AM »
Today is day 9 at 23:01:13. I was going to leave my computer off this week but I find I cannot. I am addicted to the internet. I have no temptation to look at porn now so it is okay. I am taking a day of vacation today to get my drivers license straightened out and do a few other things as well. My plan is to get 90 days free from porn and then help other men overcome porn addictions. I am planning on putting together a presentation and then speaking in churches in my area. A list of resources to hand out, etc. The damage that porn is doing to our marriages and relationships is just terrible.

Prodigal son

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #54 on: March 26, 2019, 08:29:12 AM »
Sounds like a great plan.

40-yearsOnVideoPorn

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #55 on: March 26, 2019, 10:01:07 AM »
To be honest, you sound like a whole new man, Mose. Your resolve is impeccable. You’ve made AMAZING progress. So proud of you! Keep moving forward!

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #56 on: March 27, 2019, 05:15:36 AM »
I am on the 11th day at 0:34:36. I took another vacation day today, I have 3 weeks worth. I am understanding now how desensitization feels like depression; nothing feels good, lack of will power. I know that will come back in 3-6 months but for right now it is hard to deal with life. I wrote a long post on a suicide forum I frequent (I am bipolar) about the link between porn addiction and suicide. I am spending the rest of the day mostly watching "Taken" on Netflix but I am also checking on my driver's license status and will probably call down to Indianapolis again today if the suspension isn't taken off by noon. I am keeping an eye on my checking account and Hulu took out their 99 cents the other day and Netflix isn't due until the 2nd of next month. I have $12.95 left in checking so I am going to put $10 on my payrange app I use for the vending machines at work so I have no temptation at all to pay for cam sites. I just did that, now I only have $2.95 left in the bank. This week I will have several hundred dollars left over after paying my bills and getting groceries and gas. I plan on taking it out in cash again and getting a small lock box for my bedroom, I live with 2 other guys. It is a shared house, I have no relationship with the other guys. Not having money in the bank is a very strong deterrent to spending money on cam site. it works extremely well for me.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #57 on: March 28, 2019, 01:07:31 AM »
I am on the 11th day at 20:35:50, almost 12 days. No urge to look at porn. My license suspension should be lifted today. I am bipolar and depressed right now. All it would take to cheer me up is 4 or 5 doubles of Evan Williams.

workinprogressUK

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #58 on: March 28, 2019, 06:52:59 AM »
Great progress, Moses. Your focus and commitment are really impressive. You're absolutely correct that the desensitization will reduce and you'll start to feel more positive, but you're also right not to expect that lift straight away. Stay healthy, sir.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #59 on: March 28, 2019, 05:23:55 PM »
I am on the twelfth day at 12:50:38. I had a very good day at work today. No urge to look at porn tonight. Mentally I am in rough shape, on edge from porn and alcohol withdrawal. Borderline angry. Knowing the effects porn has on me I don't want porn right now but a double of bourbon would make me feel very good. However I know that leads to porn so I am not giving in to that temptation either. I am thinking of inviting my siblings to join me at Chili's SUnday afternoon to celebrate two weeks porn and alcohol free.

cranm329

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #60 on: March 28, 2019, 05:56:09 PM »
Hi Moses
Want to let you know that you have friends on here who care when you are going thru tough times. The 2 week PMO free point is a common time to feel emotionally low. You are not alone. Well done not drinking and persisting with your P free streak. Having time with your family to celebrate the 2 week mark is a great idea.

40-yearsOnVideoPorn

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #61 on: March 29, 2019, 03:16:17 PM »
If you ever consider the desire to drink again, just know, PMO lurks at the bottom of the glass.

Also, I have 757 days being alcohol-free and I used to drink every day. I haven’t had a drop in all this time because being able to say I’ve been alcohol-free is a badge of honor for me now. .

Just as it will be for you, soon.

Be proud of what you’re doing. All those people who put you down will discover how wrong they were, when they see who you are now. You’re stronger and more resolute than you’ve ever been. That makes you stronger than most of the guys out there, because you have what it takes to do this.

All you gotta do now is let the time roll by, and hold your course, cuz you’re right on track.


MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #62 on: March 29, 2019, 03:56:18 PM »
I am on the 13th day at 11:20:15. I appreciate all the encouragement. I came home from work tired and depressed. I had to do QC, packing, and shipping today plus end of the month inventory and it is a thankless job. I took all of my extra money out of the bank in cash again and set aside $200. I shaved and took a long hot shower, that woke me up and made me feel better. I was just looking at my finances. All of my bills are paid on time this month for the first time in 6 months. My bank account won't be overdrawn. I made a list of all my bills for next month, I will pay all of them early and also set money aside to save for an emergency fund. That made me feel a lot better. No urge to look at porn or drink when I see how much money I am saving.

BigMog

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #63 on: March 30, 2019, 10:46:59 AM »
Hi Moses, Good work! So you got home tired and depressed from a difficult day but still managed to turn it round, make yourself feel better and do some really constructive things. For some of us at various times, the temptation to medicate with porn would have been too great.
That’s a good victory on the road to freedom from PMO. Thanks for sharing it.
« Last Edit: March 30, 2019, 11:17:25 AM by BigMog »

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #64 on: March 30, 2019, 02:30:43 PM »
I am on the 14th day at 9:55:47. Sunday mornings is the worst time for me, I do most of my chores and errands on Saturday so I have very little to do on Sunday. Tomorrow morning I plan on doing my cooking early in the morning, I have some pans to wash too, so it will take me a while. Later in the morning I plan on using some of my camp gear, I collect Coleman stuff, and making breakfast on my camp stove out in the garage. I have some thick bacon, sausage links, and eggs. I have a cigar to smoke afterwards. That will keep me busy for a while, get me out of the house and get some fresh air. I have no urge to look at porn. I think the trick to a permanent stop to porn is to stay alert, not to get complacent. And not to give in to temptation even a little bit. There are suggestive videos on YouTube, flirting with women on dating sites, masturbation with porn fantasies, all of that stuff has to be totally annihilated.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #65 on: March 31, 2019, 01:34:25 AM »
I am on the 14th day at 21:06:16, almost 15 days. The urge to look at porn is strong this morning. I have some things planned this morning and won't give in to it. If it gets bad I will take a cold shower.

Prodigal son

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #66 on: March 31, 2019, 04:39:38 PM »
Keep it up, Sundays were my tough days too.  Keep your head in the game and stick to the plan. 8)

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #67 on: April 02, 2019, 02:13:04 AM »
I am on day 16 at 21:39:12. Almost 17 days. The urge to look at sexy images is strong now, DeltaFosB is receding a little. On the other hand life seems brighter right now, I am looking forward to the future. Coffee and food tastes better. I am badass; haven't looked at porn for 16 days, haven't drank for almost 2 weeks, I am kicking butt.

Being spiritual I know I have to rely on a higher power to help me with this but God is distant right now. In fact He is nowhere to be found. My life at work is hectic and stressful right now; why doesn't God fix that, it would help me tremendously. I know that God loves me, several times I have felt God's love for me and it is an awesome experience. Where is He at when I really need Him?

Rex

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #68 on: April 02, 2019, 08:22:00 AM »
I am on day 16 at 21:39:12. Almost 17 days. The urge to look at sexy images is strong now, DeltaFosB is receding a little. On the other hand life seems brighter right now, I am looking forward to the future. Coffee and food tastes better. I am badass; haven't looked at porn for 16 days, haven't drank for almost 2 weeks, I am kicking butt.

Being spiritual I know I have to rely on a higher power to help me with this but God is distant right now. In fact He is nowhere to be found. My life at work is hectic and stressful right now; why doesn't God fix that, it would help me tremendously. I know that God loves me, several times I have felt God's love for me and it is an awesome experience. Where is He at when I really need Him?

MosesY,

I can't tell you how much I have struggled with this question, today it's day 190 for me being free from PMO.  I have struggled so hard beating this addiction while fighting crippling Lyme disease that has brought me to my knees.  There were days in the last 6 months when I felt God abandoned me or I felt in this journey that God was so distant even when I knew I was doing all the right things and was obeying his commandments and staying clean of PMO. This is when the devil would hit me hard with temptations saying things like God's not listening why not go back to PMO?  I would fight through these temptations and forge forward and continue to pray.  I had days when I would question God, why is this happening to me, why are the simplest of things so difficult for me to do when everyone else I know can do them with ease, why am I housebound and I live with paralyzing panic attacks and anxiety?  I would plead for Him to immediately heal me.  These were dark days, and I still have bad days and days when I pray and don't feel anything or feel dead inside. However God did give me multiple signs that total healing is on the way, it was then that I realized that God doesn't work on my time table but in His time table.  In those darkest hours never forget He's there with us every moment of our struggles.

This battle for me though it's been the most difficult thing I have ever faced in my life, however it's been the most rewarding and has made me so strong even when my physical body is still weak.  God is working through you he is sending you your current trials to build you up and make you stronger.  For me I was a daily PMO addict for three decades, today I am 190 Days free from PMO.  I would never have had this victory without God.

Here's a great sermon which really helped me when I had those periods recently where I felt so distant from God and felt my prayers weren't being answered.  It was such a big help for me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5S0C35f_gE

Keep up the great work!  You are 2 1/2 weeks free from PMO, that's a big victory!  There are many more victories right around the corner!  I'll keep you in my prayers...
« Last Edit: April 02, 2019, 08:25:27 AM by Rex »
Rex
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cranm329

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #69 on: April 02, 2019, 08:22:39 AM »
Well done with the P and drink. Answering your question, He is within you. Like most of us you probably don't realise that especially when stressed. An old motoring motto: 'Give way (yield) and let God take over (overtake, if you prefer)' We tend to have our feet hard down on life's gas pedal perhaps trying to keep ahead of the stress but don't look in the rear view mirror and see Him falling back behind us.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #70 on: April 04, 2019, 01:19:52 AM »
I am on the 18th day at 20:43:29, almost 3 weeks. I appreciate the encouragement. I am suffering from severe depression. I find it comforting to think about ending my life and am going to purchase what I need for that to happen this weekend, it is just relaxing for me to know that I don't have to go on, peaceful to contemplate it. I finally got my license straightened out, it is valid now and SR22 is not required. This is a huge weight off my shoulders but it took a toll. I had only been driving what was absolutely necessary so that will change now. I am going to attend Celebrate Recovery meetings and Alcoholics Anonymous. I see my therapist tonight but I am not going to tell her I am suicidal, she just freaks out. I am going to talk about the book "Your Brain on Porn" and what I learned from it, plus she will be happy I haven't had anything to drink.

cranm329

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #71 on: April 04, 2019, 06:05:36 AM »
Moses, PLEASE CONTACT SOMEONE.
You are doing so well. The depression will feed you lies especially when you are rebooting your mind.
If you don't feel like talking about suicide with your therapist, dial up The Samaritans or whatever equiva!ent agency you have in the States.
You matter to us too. Even though we've all not met face to face we are all buddies and friends. You are a friend and I (we) care for you.

workinprogressUK

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #72 on: April 04, 2019, 06:24:01 AM »
Hey Moses. I hope that the darkness has passed by and you're feeling more positive. All your problems are temporary. You're doing an admirable job fixing them Be gentle on yourself and show yourself some love. I'm thinking of you. Please call somebody. How 'bout your brother?

jixu

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #73 on: April 04, 2019, 06:34:57 AM »
Hi brother Moses!  You are in the midst of a struggle on many fronts-any of us in your position would get weary.  Even so, you have impressive streaks going, including your battle with alcohol.  Do not, repeat, do not take the prepatory purchase steps you mentioned in your last post.

Others, including myself, have gained from your posts.  Wish I could answer the God questions, I have the same ones myself !

Keep us posted, people, including myself, care.

 

 

40-yearsOnVideoPorn

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #74 on: April 04, 2019, 12:39:22 PM »
That’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Mose. It’s the coward’s way out. Don’t sucumb to that line of thinking. Think about the people who love you and how deeply you would hurt them by such a selfish act. This quote from James Spader’s character on the Blacklist says it better than I’ve ever heard it said:


Quotes :
Raymond 'Red' Reddington : Have you ever seen the aftermath of a suicide bombing?
Mysterious Woman : We're wasting time.

Raymond 'Red' Reddington : I have. June 29th, 2003. I was meeting two associates at the Marouche restaurant in Tel Aviv. As my car was pulling up, a 20-year-old Palestinian named Ghazi Safar entered the restaurant and detonated a vest wired with C-4

Mysterious Woman : Let me go.

Raymond 'Red' Reddington : The shock wave knocked me flat, blew out my eardrums. I couldn't hear. The smoke... It was like being under water. I went inside. A nightmare. Blood, parts of people. You could tell where Safar was standing when the vest blew. It was like a perfect circle of death. There was almost nothing left of the people closest to him. Seventeen dead, 46 injured. Blown to pieces. The closer they were to the bomber, the more horrific the effect.

Mysterious Woman : Stop.

Raymond 'Red' Reddington : That's every suicide. Every single one. An act of terror perpetrated against everyone who's ever known you. Everyone who's ever loved you. The people closest to you, the ones who cherish you are the ones who suffer the most pain, the most damage. Why would you do that? Why would you do that to people who love you?