Author Topic: Exodus (Read 16574 times)

MosesY · « **Reply #25 on:** March 19, 2019, 06:36:56 AM »

A video on approval from others

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPgxlT_XM2k

40-yearsOnVideoPorn · « **Reply #26 on:** March 19, 2019, 03:41:10 PM »

Brother, You may think I am mean and awful, and maybe I am.. But I call ‘em as I see ‘em. I was brutally honest with you and forgive me for my lack of sensitivity and tact.

Having said that, I do read your journal and I am keeping track of you, as I am all the active 40+ journalists. I am interested in you and your progress. I feel your pain and yet, I have to recoil in my own out of a lack of ability to deal with life sonetimes. This stuff is difficult. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face.

Having said that, I feel I’ve come to understand you much more deeply since our first haphazard introduction. I want to be helpful. I didn’t understand about your hypersensitivity to others words and perceptions before.

I don’t know how much any if this means but I know what you’re going through. I’m going through it myself. I hope you understand I meant what I said but honestly not the way I said it. I want to help you see what you are not seeing, just as I want you to help me see all I’ve gone blind to.

If it’s of any consequence, you were so present in my mind, for some reason, the whole time as I made my day 17 journal entry. As, “If I could only help Mose understand these little things. I bet it would help him.” And I wrote it mostly to help myself, you know, but I want you to know, I think we can get through this just fine if we’re able to focus on the right things. I hope you understand.

cheers,
40

MosesY · « **Reply #27 on:** March 20, 2019, 01:59:36 AM »

I appreciate that 40-yearsonvideoporn. I am on the third day at 21:26:31, almost 4 days. I am reading a book called "Killing Kryptonite" that is good if you are a Christian. It is based on Biblical community and the importance of keeping the community free from sin. My social anxiety, the shame of my porn addiction, has been so bad that I have not gone to church for a while. My church is starting a series called "Better Together" that talks about how we are stronger as a body together than isolated by ourselves. I plan on attending those services and hopefully make a regular habit of going to church again. I see my therapist tomorrow afternoon and plan on sharing my attempt to overcome the porn addiction and talk about it.

MosesY · « **Reply #28 on:** March 20, 2019, 03:45:21 AM »

I just read this article on how dopamine is not addictive.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201701/no-dopamine-is-not-addictive

If I think about it this makes sense to me. I turn to cam women for approval, not for pleasure. The approval releases chemicals into my brain that in the short term make me feel good about myself. It is the downer afterwards that makes me feel bad. I believe sex is a sacred thing that should be kept between two people privately, not sold for money. This is the struggle; the rush of a neurochemical high from approval versus the ugliness of fake sex. Dopamine basically has trained me to know that I will temporarily feel good about myself if I feed tokens into the computer. There is nothing in my brain that teaches me that over the long term I will be happier and feel better about myself if I don't participate in fake sex other than my own common sense. Thus is the struggle; the extreme good feeling of a neurochemical high causing me to feel good about myself versus common sense telling me I will feel better porn free.

My father was very abusive but with help from therapy I have forgiven him for that. I understand now that he was a bully and he was like that because of his own insecurities. i have totally forgiven him for that and I understand there was something wrong with him that never got fixed and that is why he treated me like that. It is not because there was something wrong with me, a huge revelation to me when I figured that out. However I still suffer from low self esteem because I went for 50 years thinking I was inferior to other people. I expect it will take 5 years of therapy to change this. To look at interactions with people positively, to see the good in myself.

Several things I am doing to increase my self esteem. One, I am going to therapy where the goal is to change the way I think. Two, I have set a simple goal of 90 days free from porn. To achieve that goal will be a huge ego boost, I have never done that before in over 30 years of looking at porn. Three, I am playing chess on the computer. I have it set to a level that I can win occasionally and when I do win it is a very good feeling. Four, I am going to make myself socialize more. I am planning on getting together with family Saturday evening and going to church Sunday morning.

Rex · « **Reply #29 on:** March 20, 2019, 07:46:37 AM »

Quote from: MosesY on March 19, 2019, 05:47:48 AM

I just watched this video and it really struck home with me. My root problem, the reason I turn to cam girls, is the need for approval. For a little bit of money they will show approval to anyone, causing a dopamine high. I am going to spend more time today learning how to handle rejection and will also talk about it with my therapist Thursday afternoon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIgWMzdgweI

MosesY,

You are doing an excellent job of peeling away the onion of your addiction, this is a big step in the recovery process. I found the same thing in my recovery, when the world around me caused hurt and pain I used PMO as an escape, a way of soothing the hurts and pains of life or not having the approval of others. The YouTube video that you posted is excellent.

One thing I have found that helped me immensely in my recovery is the fact that God loves us unconditionally and when I fully began to realize and truly believed it, the PMO temptations and other distractions really didn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter what others think as long as I am doing my best to serve God, nothing else really matters. I have noticed this change in thinking has also provided me with other blessings and grace from God that I never expected.

Keep up the great work, you are doing well! You are going to win this war against PMO!

MosesY · « **Reply #30 on:** March 20, 2019, 10:27:14 AM »

I appreciate the comments and advice. I take all of those comments to heart and it makes a tremendous difference in my journey.

workinprogressUK · « **Reply #31 on:** March 20, 2019, 10:50:08 AM »

Quote from: MosesY on March 20, 2019, 03:45:21 AM

I just read this article on how dopamine is not addictive.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201701/no-dopamine-is-not-addictive

If I think about it this makes sense to me.

The author of your article, David Ley, is best known for his book "Ethical Porn for Dicks; A Man's Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure", described by his publisher as an "accessible, funny, and well-informed book. It is the first one to offer men a nonjudgmental way to discover how to view and use pornography responsibly".

Not everything he writes in the article is bullshit. Dopamine isn't pure evil. But the conclusions he's asking readers to buy-into aren't ones I think are constructive.

40-yearsOnVideoPorn · « **Reply #32 on:** March 20, 2019, 12:10:10 PM »

Mose, Have you read Your Brain On Porn by Gary Wilson, yet? Man, if not, that is THEE book that every man trying to quit porn NEEDS to read. There is no better information out, then that. He’s the guy whose made the real breakthroughs and is the leading authority on breaking porn addiction.

You can download it for $5.99 USD, from YourBrainOnPorn.com

MosesY · « **Reply #33 on:** March 20, 2019, 12:30:57 PM »

I will get that book on Friday and will read it as soon as I finish the book I am reading now. As a side note I have decided to quit drinking alcohol as well.

MosesY · « **Reply #34 on:** March 22, 2019, 12:45:14 AM »

Today is my 5th day at 19:49:22. I am about to have a huge check deposited in my bank account which will create a strong temptation to visit cam site this weekend. Things I am doing to reduce the temptation; 1) I am reading a book called "Killing Kryptonite" 2) I am buying the Kindle version of "Your Brain on Porn" today from Amazon, my next book to read. 3) I am paying next months rent out of this check so that a lot of my money is already spent. 4) I quit drinking alcohol. I do not have any in the house and will not buy any this weekend. I am starting both "AA" meetings and "Celebrate Recovery" meetings as soon as possible. 5) I have a social event Saturday evening with my family where there will not be any alcohol and I will get a dopamine charge from seeing old friends and family. 6) Early Sunday morning is the worst time for me I have found. Normally I am up and around at 1 or 2 am with nothing to do. This Sunday morning I plan on playing good music whil reading my book and then attending church at 8:30 am. 7) I am paying my bills and getting groceries and gas then transferring the rest of my money to a harder to access savings account. My main savings account links to my debit card but I have other savings accounts that don't. I can only transfer money electronically I think 6 times per month so if I transfer it once and then transfer it back that is already 2 of my transactions, giving me pause. 8 ) I have installed "Block Site" on my Chromebook and synched it to my phone and protected it with a password that I can't remember. I can have the password emailed to me but if I have to transfer money, get the password, then uninstall the app it gives me 3 pauses to consider what I am doing. 9) If I avoid porn until noon Sunday I am going to reward myself by going to a nice cigar shop here in town and buying a good cigar then treating myself to a Big Mac at McDonalds (I rarely eat junk food) and smoking the cigar afterwards.

Normal porn just doesn't do it for me, it is all so fake that it turns me off actually. My only temptations is cam site where I actually have to spend money to get a dopamine rush. I guess I am a hard core addict.

If this ends up not working, I will never give up. I will just come up with a different plan.

BigMog · « **Reply #35 on:** March 22, 2019, 03:54:23 AM »

Well done Moses. Having a plan and goals, especially to deal with the times when you know you may be vulnerable is really sensible-it took me a long time to learn. (I know I still have plenty to learn).
Connecting with friends and family is great too, connecting in the real world with real people instead of pixels or cam girls must be good for us in so many ways.

Quote from: MosesY on March 22, 2019, 12:45:14 AM

If this ends up not working, I will never give up. I will just come up with a different plan.

Yep, you will win this struggle!

Skins23 · « **Reply #36 on:** March 22, 2019, 06:04:49 AM »

Thanks for sharing your plan. I like the attention to detail. You sound good! Stay strong and reach out as needed.

40-yearsOnVideoPorn · « **Reply #37 on:** March 22, 2019, 01:28:15 PM »

You sound great Mose! You’re doing so many things right. Just remember that. You are investing all this energy in the new you and it will pay off.

I tell my daughters to get use to ALWAYS having money svailable that they NEVER spend. That’s their emergency fund, their conforting cushion in life against hard times. And if they never spend it, it will be there when they retire. You should set a goal for say, $200, or $1000 or $10,000 or whatever level your personal numbers operate at right now.

Get used to having that money and think of it as Orange Money, or Blue Money or Red Money, whatever works for you. NEVER spend it and just learn to get comfortable with the idea of always making it grow. Some day later in life, if you have to dip into it to buy yourself simething you need only use part of it along with matched funds you have from paychecks, separate savings or a tax return or something.

it’s your money... but like your dick, you don’t shoot your wad with it.

cheers, m8
You sound solid now!
40

MosesY · « **Reply #38 on:** March 22, 2019, 03:13:08 PM »

I ended up deciding to take my money out of the bank in cash so I cannot access it online. I paid my bills and bought the book "Your Brain on Porn" and took out everything except $15. I don't remember when Netflix and Hulu charge me and this will prevent it from going overdrawn.

Another big step today, I cut up all my credit cards, wrapped them in wads of toilet paper in two separate halves and threw them in the trash. I may end up setting them on fire.

Because my willpower has been disabled by the porn addiction a big step for me is to disable funding for cam sites. This is why I talk about it.

Skins23 · « **Reply #39 on:** March 22, 2019, 03:18:34 PM »

Makes sense brother man! Let’s do this one day at a time!

MosesY · « **Reply #40 on:** March 23, 2019, 01:51:00 AM »

I am on the 6th day at 21:03:37. Saturday morning I was up at 1:30 am, it is 2:30 now. In 3 hours I start working an 8 hour day today. I am not tempted to look at porn at all this morning. I think I would be if I had a couple hundred dollars setting in the bank. I have taken such extensive measures to guard my finances that my prefrontal cortex is very focused on not looking at porn. Alcohol inhibits the prefrontal cortex function and basically eliminates common sense.

My niece is visiting this weekend due to a court case concerning child support from an abusive husband. We are all getting together tonight at a Chinese buffet for all you can eat and good times with family and friends. I am actually looking forward to it instead of being nervous about it. I feel good about myself, about all the changes I am making, the support I am getting from you guys and my family. I expect my life to keep getting better.

I guess I shouldn't say I am not tempted to look at porn at all. I still remember that as good times, my brain doesn't change that fast. However my prefrontal cortex is fully functional and connected right now, giving me the common sense to reject that temptation. Alcohol or dwelling on the thought severs the link between the prefrontal cortex and the pleasure center, eliminating inhibition.

I am writing a post on Facebook and then spending the rest of my morning watching "Taken" on Netflix.

Prodigal son · « **Reply #41 on:** March 23, 2019, 07:36:36 AM »

Keep it up, your doing some good work.

MosesY · « **Reply #42 on:** March 24, 2019, 04:31:26 AM »

I am on day 7 now at 23:35:11. Almost day 8. I am not tempted to look at porn this morning at all. I have been reading some journals and posted a couple replies and my mind is so focused on doing better for myself and enabling myself to help other people that the temptation to look at porn is almost totally annihilated.

I attended a family function last night a big step considering my porn induced social anxiety. I had so many excuses to stay at home. I had a hard week, I had to work all day, I hardly had energy left to take a shower. I put some CBD oil in my vape mod, calms my mind, and made myself go. I had a great time. My niece is out here in Indiana, she is from Oklahoma, settling a child support case so we all got together at a Chinese buffet. There were about 30 of us. It was a dopamine rush for me. Possibly one of the reasons I do not feel the need for porn this morning. I was able to pay for my niece's meal, I had cash with me, more dopamine. Two weeks ago I would not have had the money for my own meal much less hers because it would all have been spent on cam site. My rent for next month is paid and next week I will have about $150 to put in savings.

I used to spend about $50 a week on alcohol and $200 on cam site. About a month ago I got my tax return. I paid some bills and bought some stuff I wanted and had $600 left over. I left $150 in savings. I spent about $200 on cam site Thursday night, a little buzzed. On Friday night I got shit faced and spent money on cam site until they rejected my debit card. I woke up Saturday morning and went to buy groceries and my debit card was rejected. I only had $4 left. I did not have money for food to eat. I thought my savings account was intact but the debit card automatically pulls from savings when there is no money in checking. In two days I had spent $596 on cam site and now I had no money for groceries. I had $16 worth of credit on one of my cards and bought frozen dinners to eat that week. I could have eaten porterhouse steak every day of the week for a month. That's when I began looking for help.

I wonder how many men live like this due to porn?

MosesY · « **Reply #43 on:** March 24, 2019, 05:49:01 AM »

I have decided to spend the day reading "Your Brain on Porn". I looked at it and now am getting into it.

Here is a quote from the book. ". They saw the gains from consistency without panicking about setbacks, which they now accepted with greater self-compassion."

It is interesting to note that even though I had a small set back last Sunday morning I have looked at less porn in the last two weeks than any two weeks in the 3 years prior to that. The urge to look at it is weakening and I am gaining pleasure in doing other things.

Skins23 · « **Reply #44 on:** March 24, 2019, 06:36:58 AM »

Sounding good Moses! I need to buy that book.

MosesY · « **Reply #45 on:** March 24, 2019, 06:37:13 AM »

I went to the kitchen to do my cooking and the thought occurred to me that I am now past my dangerous Sunday morning time. The wee hours of Sunday morning, the loneliest time of my week. I have gone over a week now without succumbing to the sirens. A very good feeling.

MosesY · « **Reply #46 on:** March 24, 2019, 09:30:16 AM »

I am sitting here reading "Your Brain on Porn" and listening to my Spotify "Favorite Favorites" playlist. I was born Amish and very religious so was always taught porn was sin. This was the only reason I wanted to quit porn until now; because it is "sin". This is why I never really tried to quit; it felt good and I wanted it. Now I am learning about the things porn causes; social anxiety, lack of will power, loss of function during real sex, low self esteem, etc. I really want to quit and become a better person.

Prodigal son · « **Reply #47 on:** March 24, 2019, 10:47:43 AM »

You are doing very well, keep it up. Be aware that around 10-12 days you may experience some unexpected temptation as the DeltafosB levels start to recede in your brain. You'll probably learn about that in your book too. This too, shall pass. Your heart will continue to change as well, those old habits will become more and more pointless and disgusting the further you get from them.

Be well my brother in Christ

MosesY · « **Reply #48 on:** March 24, 2019, 11:52:14 AM »

I am reading how sensitization increases when you quit porn. I am pretty sure if I had not planned extensively and taken steps to avoid it I would have given in to porn this morning.

MosesY · « **Reply #49 on:** March 24, 2019, 12:49:33 PM »

Quote from: Prodigal son on March 24, 2019, 10:47:43 AM

Be aware that around 10-12 days you may experience some unexpected temptation as the DeltafosB levels start to recede in your brain.
Be well my brother in Christ

I am aware this week might be harder than last week. I have decided to turn off my computer and phone tonight when I go to bed and leave it off until next Saturday morning. I will be working long days and I have books to read so I will not miss it. I will keep my phone with me and charged while driving in case of emergency. Next weekend I will follow the same procedure I did this weekend; pay all my bills, remove the rest of my money from the bank in cash, and plan some social events.