Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.

[deminounrae]

A long long time has passed and I am in deep shit.
I fell again but this time I am really hooked, more than I ever was. I'm trying everyday to quit but the best streak I have now is 1 day. This has happened already 20 times, 20 times I said I quit, 20 times I was back.
I moved alone in another state, I currently have no job so most of the days I'm just in my room and the temptation is there.
I failed the touch test.
The bad part is that life is going very good, except for the job part but that is just a momentary thing, all the things that I think are more important for me right now are going great. So why don't I just get rigged of this addiction?

I am making a statement to anyone who wants to read.
I am rebooting again.
I have to, before it's too late.

I had some really important people in my life telling me: you fall 100 times you get up 101

I will get up

It will be very difficult, much more than it was the first time, but I can do it.

[deminounrae]

Day 1

One very busy day. I helped with a wrestling event so I woke up and went. I wasn-t home until 11 PM so I ate something and went to sleep. I had no time to have cravings.

[deminounrae]

Day 2

Today I woke up and phoned home, first my mom then my girlfriend. I wasn't triggered by my girlfriend (sometimes has happened) because we talked about serious stuff. After lunch I went to the gym and probably if I didn't I would have just relapsed. Stupid music videos at the gym got me triggered a bit but, since I was in a public place nothing could happen. I went home had dinner and straight away managed to play DnD via Skype with some friends. Again I think that distracted my mind from cravings. After that I pratically went straight to sleep cause I was too tired from the gym. I am meditating to do hard mode or not. I know myself and staying too much time without MO doesn't work well for me, so I'll just go by feeling. I managed to do two days, I'm happy for that

[deminounrae]

Day 3

I played smart, since I know my cravings come after lunch. I stayed home being as productive as possible in the morning and went out to do the groceries in the afternoon, after that I went straight to training, then dinner then bed. I had thoughts before going out but that's about it. I managed to get through 3 days! I still haven't MO'd we'll see what tomorrow brings

[deminounrae]

Day 4

This was a difficult day. I had to stay home until training so I watched something really long and interesting and then I played some non trigger videogames and read a book. I went to training came back home had dinner and I went to sleep. I managed to get through the day even if the cravings were very strong in the afternoon.
It seemed impossible to me 1 week ago

I noticed that I don't have cravings for an O I have cravings for watching P and that is a bit disturbing.
Also MW are not showing up.

[deminounrae]

Day 5

Today I've passed a job interview! I was so happy that i've stayed outside all day. Didn't exercised today but I've watched a fil I have always adored as a kid after dinner. before going to bed I had massive cravings and almost fell. I managed to switch off my pc before doing something stupid but I was too horny and I MO'd before sleeping. I did responsibly and thinking just about feelings. THe strange fact is that I really struggled sleeping I was drowning in ideas and stuff. Luckily no P thoughts or something like that...

I got through another day I am happy

[Jeks]

Good job on not relapsing to porn. Watch out for the chaser effect.
Restless mind and too much thoughts were symptoms ive also had. Often it helped me to write them down, so i dont have the obligation to hold on to them in my mind. Good job on your job interview.

[IamMayor]

A long long time has passed and I am in deep shit.
I fell again but this time I am really hooked, more than I ever was. I'm trying everyday to quit but the best streak I have now is 1 day. This has happened already 20 times, 20 times I said I quit, 20 times I was back.
I moved alone in another state, I currently have no job so most of the days I'm just in my room and the temptation is there.
I failed the touch test.
The bad part is that life is going very good, except for the job part but that is just a momentary thing, all the things that I think are more important for me right now are going great. So why don't I just get rigged of this addiction?

I am making a statement to anyone who wants to read.
I am rebooting again.
I have to, before it's too late.

I had some really important people in my life telling me: you fall 100 times you get up 101

I will get up

It will be very difficult, much more than it was the first time, but I can do it.

I read your whole journal , Lol you have been on quite a journey and I would like to congratulate you ,it takes a lot of courage and self determination to put in all the effort you have. I noticed how you have been dealing with multiple relapses and all and IMO it has just been a simple case of The Chaser Effect ,its no big deal unless it is fed.
Having an urge is not a problem its paying it attention that should worry us. Since you have now been separated from your GF I too can confirm its no easy situation but it is also the best time to get a lot of your stuff in order. Addiction wise or other 'personal' wise this is the time to get all that introspection going.

I know you will do well. Keep up the fight and live through each and every urge as a battle you have to and will win.

[deminounrae]

This is not the first time I write here but I needed to talk to someone. Covid has actually brought me back home so now I can stay with my GF , we don't live together but we see each other multiple times in a week.
I'm having an amazing time with her both emotionally and sexually BUT I still can't get rid of the addiction, going past a week is so very difficult when day 7 hits I just can't resist. Usually in the weekend we can't see each other and there is were I almost always fall. I'm trying to think at doing something else when I feel the urge but I struggle so much in putting these things to practice (these things are : finishing a book, write stories, prepare stuff for my DnD or workout).
Today I was in the situation where it just hit me , I was home alone, after my GF said to me at the last minute that we couldn't meet each other (not by her fault) and I just relapsed, I tried to fight it but I just.... couldn't
After it I felt so bad , I felt so sad deep inside...
Two days ago I tried to spread awareness on P addiction to some of my friends and I wanted to be a good example, but I just couldn't....

I'm sorry I had to write this, I hope that someone reads it, I would really need some motivation right now. I don't know if talking to my GF would fix it...

With that said, I'm not going to give up, I have made a promess and I am going to respect it , I will be free

[deminounrae]

I'm continuing to fall into relapses, but now I can most definitely say that I know what times and in what circumstances I am the most vulnerable.
I want to make this statement: I will not watch P from now on

I'm putting my willpower into it, because I didn't do it in the last 2 months

I can do it
I will do it

[deminounrae]

If I fell so many times back into it, then it is the right thing to do. If it wasn't such a problem I could just get rid of it like nothing, but it's not, it's difficult and it's a physical urge I feel. So with this little reminder for myself I want to say

Do it, keep pushing

[jhonjordan]

Hi deminounrae

I trust that you can overcome it, what has worked for me is accepting how bad I feel when I don't masturbate. It is real that when I masturbate I generate an instant pleasure that I do not get with anything else. But just as you get up every morning when you want to stay in bed, you can overcome this addiction

You have our full support!

[Sanders]

Hey Deminounrae,

Though things to deal with! You're honest about your relapses which is great, it's also good you're trying to work out where they're coming from. Turning towards porn is an escape to actually face our feelings and emotions in many cases. Where you experienced the dissapointment and loneliness because your GF wasn't able to see you, you turned to porn to cheer you up. What helped for me was a TED talk which I don't remember the name of anymore (sorry). In that talk, the concept of curiousity towards feelings and emotions was discussed. Instead of acting on your urges, just take a breath and try to analyse what's going on inside of you. Try to identify the different emotions and feelings and just experience what they bring to your body. Then try to choose what's really right for you, face your fears or turn to porn and be dissapointed with yourself again. Don't mean to be too hard on you, just sharing what helped me

Good luck!

[deminounrae]

I'm back in the forum after a long long time.
Things are not going great.
While I was in quarantine I almost fell into depression, I had everything but I wasn't able to do the thing I really wanted, I had no joy doing anything and I PMO'd a lot of times, doing it just made me sad but I couldn't stop. It was never a binge watch, maybe it was just once per week. I was able to see my GF very often and I didn't have any sexual disfunction. It was just the mind not being in the right place. I also became a bit more evil, I was easily getting really upset about things and I had bad thoughts towards people. Then I finally managed to get back on track. I went to another city to pursue my dream of becoming a pro wrestler and even if I was a bit sad of leaving my GF and my friends again I was more happy about going back to do the things I loved.
Now I live in a house with another guy but PMO is still something I want to get rid off. My biggest fear is to for the lack of sensitivity during sex to come back again. I will go back home for a few days in two weeks and I'm trying to live porn free but it's really really hard.
I'm keeping track of progress and for now the best I did was 4 days straight. Not great right?
I'm trying to get to 5 days. What I think i'm doing wrong is that I conceded myself to MO but that really leads me into the chaser effect. I experimented with this, but I think that the only way that works for me is going no P no M no O for at least a week.
The first time I tried to go P free I didn't touch myself in 10 days and then had sex on the 11th. I didn't go back to old habits for 62 days, the greatest period of my sexual life, I have to be honest. I managed to do that after almost 8 years of PMO everyday, even multiple times. Now I can't go on for more than 4. The thing that makes me mad about all is that I talked to my GF again, telling her that I 'm reverting to this bad habit and I'm trying to break free, she was very comprehensive, but still I relapsed.
The matter is that I don't have much to do because I'm still searching for a job so I have tons of free time, I think that the whole situation can be resolved if I find a way to invest this free time. I figured out that 80% of the time I browse P because I don't have anything else to do, not much because I crave it.
I will journal my days again to keep myself on track.

I want to get rid of P usage.