Author Topic: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.  (Read 5299 times)

deminounrae

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Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: January 29, 2019, 09:02:48 AM »
Hi,
I'm 20 and I think i'm very fortunate.
I started with PMO at 13. I almost always masturbated with porn. But I didn't considered myself an addict. It was more like an habit, a thing that I used to do while masturbating (blame my massive disinformation).
I didn't had a girlfriend until more or less 1 month ago. Things went very fast as I knew this woman for a while before. After 1 week I had my very first time having sex, and it was....ok.
First I was anxious, not able to get it up, she told me to make lunch and retry. I did and it worked, had sex all afternoon...BUT something wasn't right.
We had other sexual encounters and I started to noticed that I wasn't very sensitive, sometimes I didn't even finished, sometimes I just went soft in the middle of sex. Horrible. Handjobs and blowjobs were like nothing, just a little stimulation, nothing else. She was frustrated and I was too, but I didn't really knew what to do.
Here kicks in my fortune.
Months ago I saved in the youtube watchlater the Tedtalk in glasgow about the great porn experiment. I was bored and I watched it. IT OPENED MY EYES. I didn't even know that delayed ejaculation existed... Went on to yourbrainonporn.org and started connecting the dots. I found a post by a guy with my exact same problem and I was a little scared at first. Than I saw he recovered in a record time of 11 days. I decided to do the same thing.

So here I am quitting porn forever, I know that there are guys out there who have bigger problems with this issue and they have all my respect.

This is my journal, I don't think it will take long to reboot

I'm currently on day 8, but I will do the journal for those first seven days too.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2019, 09:38:15 AM by deminounrae »

deminounrae

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2019, 09:10:01 AM »
Day 1-2

I realized I was going to do this. I downloaded an app to stop every porn, sex or nudity to come out on the internet, preventing myself to search or stumble upon that things.
The password is my girlfriend birthday date so I always remember why I 'm doing this.

Those two days went by smoothly. Not even a trigger cause I had almost no free time. Tomorrow could be worse.

deminounrae

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2019, 09:12:48 AM »
Day 3

It wasn't worse. I'm a super wrestling fan so after work while waiting for training to start I just watched a ton of it :D.
I thought female wrestlers could have triggered me, didn't happen. After training I was just exhausted, went to bed early. I'm thinking about talking to my girlfriend about this.

deminounrae

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2019, 09:21:26 AM »
Day 4

I talked to her about this. She was a little stunned but she connected the dots too. She even knows people with PIED and we both thanked God I moved in time. I will see her in 7 days.
I'm not going to fap for all these days , cause I want to reboot hard mode. Talking with her on the phone made me horny. She offered me nudes because she misses me and I stopped her (with a little tear in my eye :D ).

Tonight instead of staying home doing nothing and risking a relapse I'll go to the theatre with my mom so I make her happy once.

I think I'm doing the right thing. Today I woke up to a great morning wood, it didn't happen in a looong time. Plus I was filled with energy.

I'm a freakin' terminator


deminounrae

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2019, 09:24:19 AM »
Day 5

Woke up 1 hour before the alarm with a stiff morning wood! Yee-Haw.

I filled my day with stuff to do with my friends. I'll play football, go to the stadium and socialize in the evening.

This day went by without triggers or temptations.

deminounrae

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2019, 09:37:37 AM »
Day 6

My brain scared me. Last night in bed I imagined to search for porn. I calmed down and I did a little meditation exercise focusing myself on the breathe. It just went away but wow it was powerful and unexpected.
I woke up with a stronger boner and straight up jumped to my day. I worked in an arena and there were some very cute girls. I had some dirty thought flash into my mind but I made it go away.

Did girls always looked at me that much? I'm beginning to notice this

deminounrae

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2019, 09:50:11 AM »
Day 7

I woke up without a boner (I hope nothing is wrong).
I filled my day but in the evening I was very excited, I just resisted. Put on a kids movie until I went to bed.
I miss my girlfriend, I thought of her limiting the sexual fantasies with the help of meditation.
I didn't really trigger during the day even if a stupid mobile game almost did.

I'm reading other stories and journals and I continue to feel very fortunate. I have an admiration for those people who have PIED and are fighting to get back on track. They are my motivation to make me reply:" Shut the hell up!"  to that voice that goes like:"You're not really addicted, just give up you're a stupid man".

The day I'll met her will probably be the ultimate test. If I manage to cum with a BJ I will consider my delayed ejaculation cured.

This evening I took the touch test and it worked. The only things I had in mind during it were a Pearl Jam song (Porch) and little flashes of her eyes and face. But during almost the whole thing I just thought how good it felt.

deminounrae

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #7 on: January 30, 2019, 11:41:51 AM »
Day 8

I think I had a flatline today. I was not motivated for nothing and no boner in the morning. I did the things that I had to do without enthusiasm. I avoided porn? Yes
I masturbated? No
But the "Terminator feeling" has passed.
I was stupidly afraid that I've "involuntarily relapsed" but a thing like that doesn't even exist.
Sexual thoughts have a peak when I am in bed.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.

I'm realizing that this journal is more of a way to talk to myself.

deminounrae

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #8 on: January 31, 2019, 11:45:41 AM »
Day 9

Today wasn't great but it was ok.
I started a little down but ended up having fun. I had a little time to think in the afternoon and realized that I have a lot of things to be thankful for, so I must concentrate on those.
This evening I had a dinner with my two best friends because my house was empty and I didn't want any temptation. Temptations occur, sometimes the thought of seeking some porn gets into my head. Probably my delayed ejaculation is almost totally cured, but I think that I'm far from a total reboot.
I guess it will just take a little longer.

deminounrae

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #9 on: January 31, 2019, 04:36:20 PM »
Day 10

Tomorrow I will see her. Tomorrow i will know if my delayed ejaculation is still a problem, I have a very good feeling about this, but only time will tell.
This day I went to work after dreaming about kissing. Still no boner this morning but I was woke up by the alarm and I read that it's normal in this cases. I try not to think about this thing I'm doing, but I can't. I don't have porn thoughts but I have the voice that says: "Why not PMO right now?"
I am living some typical circumstances of my life in which I usually did PMO and the temptation to do it are just there. I send them back but I'm realizing how much of an addict I was. Damn it's bad.
I'm far from the total rewire but I'm gonna make it. After the last two days I'm smiling again, maybe it's just that I know what will happen tomorrow.
Now I'll go straight to bed trying to not think at anything

deminounrae

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #10 on: February 03, 2019, 04:41:33 AM »
Day 11

It's different.
I had sex with my girlfriend today and it was different. Better in any way, the greatest difference was how stiff I was and how much more sensitive I was.
My reboot is not complete, but my problems are gone I think.
What I really noticed was that I had way more fun and we were happy together, we weren't stressed at all.


deminounrae

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #11 on: February 03, 2019, 04:57:33 AM »
Day 12

At the beginning of my journal I said I wanted to cure my DE, and I did. I think this forum and site are a blessing. We are just accepting PMO these days and it's so wrong. Like I said in the beginning I thought it was just an habit, nearly everyone does it, it cannot hurt right? WRONG

My journey in rebooting is not ended, I feel that is not complete. I can tell you that I want to stay the hell away from porn forever.
I'll stop writing daily but I'll keep this journal updated if I feel I need to write something. I have to say it really helped me writing my thoughts. I encourage everyone that starts rebooting to write, maybe not in the forum, even on a piece of paper. Making the point on the day and letting the thoughts out of your head is a great way to understand yourself better.

If anyone has followed this journal I thank you for your time and patience.

Do or not do there is no try...

I did

You can do it too  :)

deminounrae

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #12 on: February 06, 2019, 08:06:32 AM »
Just a quick post.
Last evening (day 15) I came from a BJ for the first time and it was epic.
Staying away from porn is easy now and porn thoughts are just scratches on the back of the head.

This site changed my life.
Thank you everyone.


Rebooter2019

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #13 on: February 06, 2019, 11:22:30 AM »
Hey demin, just to tell you that I'm happy that you recovered from your sexual problem cause by P.

Never stop to be careful there's something called PAWS(post acute withdrawal symptom) that may appear even years after you stop watching P. Just want to warn you, so you can stay on the right path  ;)

Stay strong :)

Rakses

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #14 on: February 06, 2019, 11:25:22 AM »
Yo buddy congratulations on your progress. Don't keep your guards down tho! ;) And don't follow any sexual thoughts if they appear.
Wish you effortless reboot period!
I want to know the nature of my life.
For that i need to be sober, clean, clarified, perceptive.
All that is impossible unless i quit my addictions.
Szukalski said "Sexual energy is the one that make human being create. How i am suppose to create myself if i waste it on PMO. I have to stop.

deminounrae

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #15 on: April 09, 2019, 09:13:44 AM »
Day 77

That was F*cking close

I almost did reboot, I intentionally let my guard down, those withdrawals came to me like a f'n shotgun round.
At first I was just curious on what my internet blocker really blocked and typed names of pornstar on google.
There I saw some images of ladies in lingerie (i found lingerie one of the hottest thing existing) and I obviously got a boner. The thing stopped there but then the next day I did it again, and then again. I realized "Sh*t, this better not become an habit but it just kept coming. Until yesterday where (f*ck I can't believe I'm saying this) I removed the blocker by TYPING MY GIRLFRIEND BIRTHDAY DATE that is my password and watched two porn scenes and some gifs.

Now, here comes the interesting part.

First thing I got, boner , not complete boner.
Then after 1 minute of watching other people having sex I realized (thank you God) how fake that was and my boner went down like dow jones in 2007.
So what I did is : I reblocked my phone. And put it aside.
I was in bed, I learned in these 77 days how to masturbate correctly. So I masturbated the right way, shutting out the fantasies and focusing on sensibility.

I felt like I dodged a f*cking bullet. I am not considering this a relapse, because I didn't jacked off to porn.

But there is another part. Just 1 hour ago I did the same thing. I searched for porn, I removed the blocker and watched it. It took me 30 seconds to stop watching, really.
But I figured out that I still have a problem. So I went back to this beautiful site and I read my journal again. There are things that I didn't considered in these "almost relapse" days, like the feeling of being a f*cking loser.

I am telling the truth, one part of me misses watching porn, I don't know why , I am sexually active with a beautiful girl, but maybe the brain isn't fully detoxicated yet.

I HAVE TO BE STRONG

SO

I WILL BE STRONG

F*CK PORN REAL DEAL IS BETTER!

deminounrae

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #16 on: April 09, 2019, 09:14:55 AM »
P.s. sorry for the language but I am legitimately scared of losing all the hard work and that is how I usually react

mym8marty

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #17 on: April 14, 2019, 11:25:25 PM »
No need to apologize for language man. This is an emotional site and some words are better at carrying emotions than others.

Congrats on your progress and don't beat yourself up about your close call, treat it as a reminder of how dangerous that shit can be.

deminounrae

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #18 on: June 09, 2019, 05:40:47 PM »
It has been a while since the last time and some things have happened. I didn't write anything before because I was ashamed and I was convinced that I could go through it by myself. I was wrong.
I have successfully rebooted, I was living at 100% I was invincible and I had big morning woods every morning but then I sllipped once. Then I did it again the day after and the day after again, that for five days. I stopped and took a breath, promised me I would never do it again. I began no PMO for 5 days, on the sixth I was back at it again. Fuck. Boredom hit me and I was down. I was feeling quite lonely, although I have a girlfriend she would have been very out of town for 1 month. I turned back almost to the old habit. Then one day I took the touch test. I failed. Fuck. I had to do something about it. I tried staying without P. I couldn't. I never had cravings when I rebooted the first time but now I had. Real urges telling me to watch some P to get aroused. i realized it but I couldn't help myself. I've found a hole in my internet protection app. Damn. I went back and forth for a little than my girl came back. Sex helped me staying away from P. I was very afraid to have gone back to my DE problems. I wasn't, but I wasn't the healthy man that I was before this relapse.

Now I'm in a sort of Limbo and I really don't know how to stop myself again. I want to be porn free. Maybe writing this post is the thing that I had to do to start again.

The biggest downer is that in this limbo I already told myself ten times that I would stop with porn... I hate the fact that I'm probably addicted. I have to get over it. I have to. For my girlfriend and especially for myself

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #19 on: June 09, 2019, 05:54:41 PM »
Hey man, sorry to hear about your struggles. That's a rough story, but we're here to help.

It sounds like a lot has been going on, so I don't really have something to say that will fix things, but addiction is difficult and it will get us when we let our guard down for even a second. For me, it helps a lot to just focus on one day at a time. I don't what tomorrow will bring, but I can get through today without PMO. Just focus on today, every day. The urges/cravings are really intense and really difficult to deal with, but they don't last forever. If you can get through them, they'll eventually wear off for a while. Learning that I can get through those waves of cravings has been a huge help to my progress.

Keep going, man!

deminounrae

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #20 on: June 10, 2019, 07:30:59 AM »
Thanks BluHeronFan I will listen to your advice.
One day at a time. It's exactly what I did the first time I rebooted. One day at a time. Words to live by  :D

Right now it's day 1, because yesterday I slipped again, wrote the long post afterwards, I was on day 5.

One day at a time.
I love you all

Lero

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #21 on: June 10, 2019, 07:35:52 AM »
The urges/cravings are really intense and really difficult to deal with, but they don't last forever. If you can get through them, they'll eventually wear off for a while. Learning that I can get through those waves of cravings has been a huge help to my progress.
I've realized that if I went through a round of urges, they seemed to go away for a while. They would eventually return so it was like coming in waves. But I sabotage myself with edging during urges.

Lero

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #22 on: June 10, 2019, 07:40:24 AM »
The biggest downer is that in this limbo I already told myself ten times that I would stop with porn... I hate the fact that I'm probably addicted.

That's the problem with those fucking addictions. Paths are created in the brain to "remember" the addiction and it could wake up anytime, even when we think we are done with. I've seen this happening to many guys. They though they were healed now only to return back to their old routine without even realizing. It's a tightrope situation and we have to be careful all the time.

deminounrae

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #23 on: June 12, 2019, 07:37:19 AM »
I'm writing this on the middle of day 3

Day 2 has passed very well, it was a happy day and in the evening I went out with my girl to eat an ice cream, we ended up making out on a bench and then back home. Making my way home walking and upstairs I had this little f*cking douchebag of a voice saying:"Go PMO"
I took that little s*it and threw it out the window.
This morning I had sex twice. I have to say that I remember how it was before relapsing and I'm not even close. My sensitivity has decreased a little and my boners are not strong as they used to be. Sex is still very satisfying however and drains all my horniness away (and rightfully so).

After all I'm just thinking, was it worth it? Was it worth it to fall in to the hole of porn again? Thinking "I'm over it and I can live with it"
No it f*cking wasn't. Cause now I made a step back on my sex health and I feel super guilty.

I want to reboot. One day at a time

dusty

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Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« Reply #24 on: June 13, 2019, 05:56:10 AM »
Thank you deminounrae for your reply in my journal - you have such a hard nickname, haha.

That's nice that after sex you get rid of horniness. I have completely different feelings. Usually I'd like to watch porn more because od chaser effect, have you heard about this?

It's an awesome idea to support each other. Indeed our stories are similar.

I'm going to checking your progress so don't disappoint me! :D