Reboot take two

[BigMog]

Hi switched-off, lots of interesting points and observations in your posts

Just picked out two I particularly identify with

  That's exactly where I hope to be one day in relation to porn. I don't do porn, because I just don't. It's not for me and it never will be... That is the holy grail.

 It's just this stupid, horrible secret that no-one talks about. I wonder if that will ever change?

For me I’d also like to be able to say to myself in the future,  “yes I was hooked for a while but I managed to kick it. It was a struggle but I’ve been clean for x years”

Also, yes it’s “the shame we dare not speak of.” I couldn’t see myself discussing this with anyone outside this forum and I’m not prepared to out myself, even to my oldest friends. Would be good if it was a more recognised and accepted problem.

Glad the mindfulness looks like it may be useful and the ice is thick.

Keep up the good work.

.

[switched_off_again]

Hey BigMog - thanks for checking in with me.

I'm still clean but the weekend has been not so good mood wise. Wife out on Friday evening, then out again yesterday evening. I had hopes that we might have fun when she came home, but ended up having a big row and with me sleeping in living room... Not what was planned haha.

Mutual apologies this morning, but I spent the rest of the day doing chores and quietly brooding.... Our Sundays are fully defined by chores.... Not how  i would choose to spend  the day, but if I don't, she does and her resentment builds.

Definitely no desire to go online and self medicate with porn though. So that's positive I suppose.

I'm actually looking forward to work this week - another positive of having a dull unfulfilling weekend!

7 days clean

[switched_off_again]

Monday 18 Feb. 8 days clean.

Also dieting which has given me hunger to focus on!

My daughter is visiting so hopefully a better week moodwise. I probably won't post as much as a result.

Hope everything is feeling strong and has a good week.

[switched_off_again]

22/02/2019 - 12 days clean

Hi everyone - 12 days clean doesn't sound a lot. But I've had a good week. My infatuation with that site has been quite distant, I've felt engaged and present in the here and now, and sex and/or the prospect of when I might have sex next hasn't figured too highly in my mind. I feel that I've climbed firmly back on the wagon, the ice is thick, and (my new metaphor) the porn scars in my brain are healing quite nicely (just don't start scratching them or they might open up again).

So why am I happy at being only 12 days clean? Because I've realised that this actually goes way back longer than this. My first reboot start in late September 2018 and since then I've gone:

September - reboot kick off
Early November - relapse 1
Late December - relapse 2
Early January - relapse 3
Late January - relapse 4
Early February - relapse 5

So while I've had really painful relapses along the way I've repeatedly climbed back on the wagon and at no point do I feel I've gone back to square one. I am now very used to not watching porn or visiting that cam girl site, I don't feel part of that cam girl site 'community' as their sales people so quaintly put it, I am not obsessed with the state of my masturbation starved organ, and I am comfortable with the idea that there is no sex on the immediate horizon, because frankly I and my family have other more important things to be dealing with.

I'm on a diet, I've joined the gym, I'm back cycling (which is no 2 passion in my life, music being no 1), I'm learning about mindfulness, and my mood has been quite balanced (after last weekend when I was in a childish, resentful cause I'm not getting sex way).

So it feels like more than 12 days clean really... And when I think back to the sadness and anger post my last relapse, it is extremely re-assuring to know that I feel so much more comfortable free from the relapse cycle than I did when I was lost in the grip.

One of the things I have come to realise is that this is about me and what I want. I don't want to be a slave. I've been knocked off the wagon by questioning the science of porn addiction, but now I've come to the conclusion - I don't care about the science. I've been knocked off the wagon by others advising me that the right thing to do is to share my addiction with my wife. NO. Don't tell me what is right or wrong for my wife. I have been with her for almost 30 years, I spend 80% of my time supporting her and my family, so really don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do. I now know what is right for her, for my family, and for me. If you want me to nail something to the wall as some sort of penance, yep I'll do that, but don't expect me to upset my wife or family.

This is about me and what I am without thinking. As I said in a previous post - I don't eat meat. Other people do. But I don't and feel absolutely no desire to justify to myself or anyone else why I don't. I just don't. Just as I don't take drugs.

And my aim is to have the same mindset towards porn and cam sites.

I don't watch porn or visit cam sites. Millions of people do.... But I don't and don't ask me to justify why I don't.

I just don't.

[BigMog]

Nice going Switched_off! Stay strong, keep working on those passions and fill your life with good things!

[Humpty]

Is strange how it effected us all differently and how we all have different opinions on it but essentially all want the same.

I never felt guilty about porn, I really enjoyed it and I really miss it (day 38) but I only just realised a couple of months ago that it's why I have had PIED for as long as I can remember. (20+ years)

It's caused the girls I've been with (and my current wife) so much pain and hurt without me realising.

Stay strong.

[switched_off_again]

24/02/2019 - 2 weeks clean

Hey both - thanks for the support!

I had a really good bike ride today. I love the early season when you experience speedy improvements in fitness. I've got a sportive in early April and my training is right on track.

I M'd last night. But it was a good M because there was no P or fantasies about P involved. I knew it was another weekend where nothing was going to happen with my wife and me, so I took the decision to M so that I didn't feel childishly resentful. It was the right choice and I feel good because I didn't automatically engage with P.

Keep strong! The ice is thick, the scars are healing, I don't do porn!

[switched_off_again]

Hey all

Not alot to report really. Feels normal not to be pmo'ing. Feels normal not to be anxiously focussing on improving me and my wife's sex life. Don't really feel any urge. Don't feel the need to count days clean. Just having a humdrum middle of the road week.

If I was anxiously bullet pointing symptoms in my mind, I'd conclude I was flat-lining...

But then I know that moods can be cyclical for a whole host of reasons so I just accept it for what it is and remain aware that complacency is a risk. The old "just one won't harm you trap".

Keep strong. The ice is thick. The scars are healing.

[switched_off_again]

Still strong. Still thrawn. Refusing to play the porn master's game.

[BigMog]

Good for staying strong Switched_off!
And thanks for extending my vocabulary, I’d never come across “thrawn” before. There seem to be a few meanings but I assume you’re using it to mean stubborn, cross, obstinate and convinced of an opinion?
i.e. you’re determined to kick PMO etc into touch.
Yep, I guess we all need to be a bit thrawn sometimes!

[switched_off_again]

Ach - after all the fighting talk last week I slipped up at the weekend. No excuses really. Thought I was doing well. Another weekend was going by without any prospect of my wife and I getting together, so thought I'd relieve tension by M. Wasn't really in mood, so helped along with P... Just functional, not very enjoyable, felt like I was intruding... What on earth was my thought process??

I almost felt like not mentioning it here it was so inconsequential but that would be silly...

I'm not going to let it get to me though or beat myself up about it - it wasn't that cam site which is the real lethal drug for me, and it has in no way weakened my resolve to stay as clean as I can. I have hugely kicked a previously all pervasive habit and have come a long way since last September. I enjoy life without porn hangovers every day. I like all the other things that this reboot process has given me, so I just push on.

Let's call yesterday, Mon 5th March another day 0 and see how I get on. I'll maybe start mentioning my clean streak again, when I've got something worth mentioning!

Keep strong all.

[switched_off_again]

Not much to report. Back on the wagon. Despite my relapses, this feels normal. It is not a struggle not to PMO.

[switched_off_again]

But it is a bit of a struggle tonight... Possibly because it's Friday and I've had a few drinks. I think I'll go play my guitar instead. It's the best mindful exercise I know....

[switched_off_again]

Hey all - I got through the weekend and glad that the struggle I mentioned on Friday was only temporary. I'm not currently feeling much in the way of libido which I suppose is a good thing in terms of keeping clean.

This week is a test as my wife is away until Friday, which in the old days would have triggered some P related self-indulgence. I'm determined to resist this time - that 'every time you say no, you get stronger' idea. Given the lack of libido, I don't really feel any PMO urges so should be fine, but I still have the urge to do something slightly hedonistic given I've got an 'empty'. I feel a gap, but no urge to fill the gap with PMO. Maybe I'll just luxuriate in not doing the dishes or hoovering until she's due back Dull old me...

Hope everyone is feeling strong!

[workinprogressUK]

Maybe I'll just luxuriate in not doing the dishes or hoovering until she's due back

The mad, bad and dangerous life of a guy in early-stage addiction recovery  I might have a piece of chocolate with my cup of tea this afternoon!

[BigMog]

Yep, you guys are just wild! Careful with that chocolate though, I’ve found with chocolate digestives that there’s a definite chaser effect.

Stay strong!

[cranm329]

On the chocolate theme, take care with strong choc at night. It can affect sleep, cause vivid dreams and therefore night erections....which may be a problem or not.

[switched_off_again]

Haha - good to see you around guys! Doing fine. Binging on Netflix and a splash or two of wine. Started writing a new song which is always a good way for me to get focused. And I've got a good thing going on with early year cycling training in the gym.

Foods with a major chaser effect? I vote for crunchie but cornflakes. One bowl is never enough!

Feeling strong but we all know the risks of feeling too up! Not going to be caught out by that one. This week anyway.

[switched_off_again]

Hi all - just checking in before my journal drops off page one. Well in to third week clean of current streak. Feel ok. Not much urges wise.

I do need to get back to my mindfulness practice because I've been over-thinking and getting off balance about a few things at work. They are trivial. My emotional reaction is way out of proportion. I need to let go and focus on positive things in my life.

Anyway... Here's hoping for an enjoyable and porn free weekend for us all. Stay strong.

[BigMog]

Good going Switched-Off,
I can understand about being over sensitive about work issues, happens to me a lot. A sequence of small events, comments or glitches can send me into a bad place, but in the end it always passes and with hindsight I can see I’ve  blown it out of proportion. It’s hard to see it clearly at the time though.
I’m slowly working through the “Coping with Cravings” module in my mindfulness app. (for about the 4th time) but also dipping into “Self Esteem” and others.
It seems to help.
Have a great weekend!

[switched_off_again]

Hi again

Thanks Big Mog for your positive words.

I arsed up... I was doing well and was flat-lining but then last weekend was good, the chaser effect kicked-in (now I know it exists for sure), spent the week dabbling with fantasies for my wife, got in to my hyper mode, got drunk last night, and hedonism - I don't care mode took over....

Then today my family was at it's dysfunctional worst, while the rest of the world (allegedly at least) celebrated mother's day...

Sorry for negative post.... Getting too high or too low is when I'm at my weakest. Hope to start another plodding along flat-line as of today...

Keep strong. You're all doing well.

[switched_off_again]

The one good thing about climbing back on the wagon for the umpteenth time, is that I'll soon feel better and the mixture of depression, revulsion and anxiety I currently feel will dissipate... Damn you addiction, damn you cam sites, damn my mood swings and moments of weakness... Anyway enough with the self-pitying and self-obsession. Time just to get on with things and keep busy.

[workinprogressUK]

Sorry to read about your slip. Well done on getting back on the wagon so quickly.
Looking at your last earlier post....

spent the week dabbling with fantasies for my wife, got in to my hyper mode, got drunk last night, and hedonism - I don't care mode took over....

Any thoughts on avoiding those activities, or coping better with your stresses? You seem to struggle with a desire to experience "hedonism" and then be really angry with yourself when that leads to you doing things you say you don't want to do.

[BigMog]

Hi Switched-off,
I hope things are picking up for you. I know the first few days back on the wagon can be pretty draining and they sometimes go past very slowly.
I agree with WIPUK, if you can find some trick to just put a pause between thinking about stepping on to the edge of the funnel and actually stepping on to it, it may give you a chance to regroup and step away.
I know I probably witter on about it too much, but the mindfulness seems to help me. There have been times when I’ve found myself thinking about porn or sex and become aware of it, and kind of remembered, “Oh! I don’t want to be thinking about this.” Then, I’ve maybe done a bit of just concentrating on my breath and the feeling goes away and I can get on with something else. It’s taken a few months of practice before this started to happen.
 A lot of the experiences you describe are similar to mine. I think my mood swings are at least partly the inner chimp crying out for his fix.
Anyway, wishing you a fulfilling and PMO-free weekend.

[switched_off_again]

Hey both - thanks for the support. I'm back on an even keel - that is very much the current pattern. Things spiral very quickly when it goes wrong and then very quickly I'm out the other side and PMO seems like a million miles away.

So looking at the positives, being PMO free feels entirely normal 95% of the time. My evenings end with me playing the guitar, or watching Netflix or reading a book. 98% of the time PMO just doesn't come in to it. Whereas back before last September when i started this journey, most evenings ended with me in front of a computer. Any time I had to myself was automatically PMO time. That is so not me now, so despite not being able to quote a big long clean streak, I still feel I've come a long, long way.

So the next step is to be more aware of the triggers. Last week was a classic example - a variety of things got me in to a hyper and rebellious mood - stupid things like arguing on social media about local issues, being a bit show offy at work, having quite a drunken but fun night at a charity quiz... Letting off steam generally... And there I am back in front of the computer with a real I don't care, I can do what I want attitude... And the rest is history... It is no doubt very typical behaviour for any addict in recovery.

So I should've been more aware earlier on of where things might lead, because by the time you are sitting in front of the computer, post quiz, and a bit drunk, it's too late. I should know that when I am in that hyper mood, the risk of PMO is a lot higher.

And I get where you are coming from about mindfulness BigMog. I started reading a book and found it pretty interesting. I found the exercises and meditations really enjoyable - who knew a simple body scan could be so refreshing! I really enjoyed the free Basics course on the Headspace app - just couldn't bring myself to subscribe. I need to decide if it's something i want to build in to my daily routines.

On the other stuff that affects my emotions and therefore my behaviour - things have quietened down within the family so I'm looking forward to a relaxed (and PMO free) weekend.

Hope it's all good for everyone else and you stay strong.

PS: I'm not going to quote days clean until I feel I've got something I'm proud of. I don't want to set myself up for another fall!