I can do better in 2020

[BlueHeronFan]

Sorry to hear you hit a rough patch, but it's good that you're back here. We're stronger together, I truly believe that.

I know what you mean about research being stressful. I'm in the middle of figuring out my own research project(s) for school, and it can really cause anxiety. Just remember, you wouldn't be in that program if they didn't think you'd be successful--it's possible that your professor has more confidence in you than you do. You got this!

[brandnewself]

Thanks BlueHeronFan, indeed after talking with my professor I feel much more relieved. It's clear to me what I need to do now.
Yesterday, I told my roommate about my porn addiction. I was hesitant if I should tell him but eventually I did. We talked about it for like 90 min and he understood my issues. He gave me some suggestions such as focusing on one problem at a time and maybe I should seek psychological help. Now that I have him by my side, it would be easier to deal with cravings because I could simply talk to him about it. But I'm still not sure if I should tell my parents about it, because first they don't necessarily understand this issue and second I don't want to burden them with it. Since I'm studying abroad anyway they don't really need to know.

[BlueHeronFan]

Good to hear!

It can be tough to decide who needs to know. I haven't told my parents, probably for similar reasons to yours. But I have confided in extended family and in church leaders. It's important to have someone to talk to, someone who can be around to help strengthen you. But deciding who those people will be is probably up to you.

Good luck with your continuing studies! It's a busy time of year for me at school, but I signed up for it--so I guess I shouldn't complain!

[brandnewself]

Thank you BlueHeronFan, it's been 9 days since I told my roommate and other friends about my addiction and I think it was a great decision that I made. Several times that I had cravings, I would just leave my phone and laptop in my roommate's room or do some chores (cleaning or cooking for both of us).
I also tried to start going out more often. Two days ago my friends and I went to another city to party, it was really fun and I also got to talk to a girl there. I noticed she was looking over at me quite often at the entrance to the club. After we got inside, while I was thinking about talking to her, she came to me and started the conversation. Although it turns out she is much older than me but it was a nice experience. I want to practice approaching and talking with girls more from now on so I'll get used to it. Eventually I need to train myself to appreciate real life girls rather then pixels.
Next week I'll also have a short weekend trip with some friends and I'm looking forward to it.
Regarding research, I still procrastinate a lot. I think I need to write down my plan before starting, or else I would be stressed.

[BlueHeronFan]

That's all great! I've been reading about how overcoming addiction is really about becoming a healthier person overall, and it sounds like you're definitely working on that.

I'm also trying to figure out how to plan and work more effectively with less distractions and procrastination. Let me know if you figure something out that's really helpful (and I'll do the same)!

[Do or die]

We are fighting with cycle of this addiction.
So we need to weeken the pathways of this addiction in our brain.
So don't be so sad after relapse. Keep in mind that every 10-12 days reboot making the pathways week.

[brandnewself]

Thanks Do or die!

Haven't posted here for a while. I've been checking the forum daily but didn't feel like writing here because I found out that sometimes writing here can have reverse effect. Like sometimes if I write here I feel motivated and I'm determined to beat this addiction this time, my subconscious mind would trick me to sabotage myself later somehow...

Now I'm just doing a check-in and want to remind myself that I'm walking on thin ice daily and I should never let my guards down. I was looking for costume for a costume party today and I got triggered by some costumes in the shop so I need to be cautious today.

[BlueHeronFan]

Hey, you do what you need to do--we're all on similar but unique paths. It's good to hear from you, but it's also good that you're aware of how posting does or doesn't affect you.

Just keep going. We're only really done for when we give up

[brandnewself]

Hi BlueHeronFan, thank you for replying here often. It's great to see you as well. I believe it's called moral licensing which describes the phenomenon that people tend to allow themselves to do something bad after doing something good first. This doesn't affect me much when I'm determined to not watch porn, but once I got a solid streak going on I tend to forget all the shit porn used to do to me and go right back to it.
I can see the benefits of PMO free now after 21 days. For example, I don't have these little depression episodes after drinking or a busy day. I might feel tired but it's totally physical exhaustion.  Before whenever I feel tired I would fall depressed and feel hopeless. I also cut alcohol and coffee significantly. I try to not drink alcohol during the week unless it's a holiday and I have to hang out with friends. I'm also drinking only one coffee a day.
I still need to do better regarding my research though because I'm not so into it. Yesterday I met with my professor and he told me to start reading a book and he set too high of a standard for me. I was relieved to hear it to be honest, now I don't have this pressure of not living up to his expectation.

[BlueHeronFan]

Sure thing! Replying helps me too.

I know what you mean about moral licensing. I have heard of that before, and I know I definitely let the little things slip more easily when I have a longer streak going. Stay strong, my friend!

Also good to hear that your professor realized he was being to intense. Keep at it! I have an important meeting with some professors tomorrow that I'm a little nervous about, but it's all part of the process. And just think, before we know it, we'll be healthier and graduated!

[brandnewself]

More than one month since I posted here.
I managed to go almost 30 days in March and then ran right back to porn and was unable to stop the bad cycle since then. I started running from reality again and barely did anything regarding my studies. Every day I felt anxious and ashamed of myself. I feel like I lost hope again and I'm scared that I won't ever get out of this. Not having a girlfriend is one thing, but not functioning at all in my daily life is devastating. I'm living abroad and I should talk to my parents often because they miss me, but I barely call them because I feel guilty. They sent me abroad to study in university and to learn how to live independently. I pretty much failed both. I'm not studying well and I'm just wasting their money on alcohol and fun instead of on working on myself and building a better future. Also I feel ashamed whenever my professor asks me if I'm making progress. I wouldn't feel so bad if he is an asshole or I'm just too stupid to do it. On the contrary, he is really patient and helped me a lot. I simply didn't do what I had to do. I'm sick of the life porn has me live in.
Porn is ruining my life because it goes against everything I wanted myself to be. It makes me depressed, anxious and hate myself. It causes me to hurt people that I care about. Even worse, it brainwashes me to always have instant pleasures without having to work for it. Porn is my drug and I overdosed.

[jixu]

In fact maybe you have indeed gained more "education" from your living abroad experience than you think.  You have learned that we often deceive friends and family (in addition to ourselves) and waste opportunities.  The good side is that you have personal awareness and that puts you way ahead of the game.  As for now, on the academic side, salvage what you can and finish hard.  Sometimes these semester abroad programs are a little lighter anyway.  Don't blow this out of proportion but don't forget it either-yes, you screwed up, but it is not the end of the story.

All your parents care about is that you are safe and enjoying yourself.  Just a picture and a short message here and there is worth a gold mine to them.  You don't have to have a two hour call.  But, don't blow them off, give them some stuff, even if it is just a short "hello I'm with A in B doing C " type of message.  I myself had good decent parents, but some people didn't-honor them my friend.

You can recover from this; believe me, I know all about this type of deal.  But get to work on it today-now!

 

 


         

[BlueHeronFan]

Hey, glad to see you're back, but I'm sorry to hear things have been so rough lately.

The life of porn is not a good life, you know it. I know it. We all know it. But the good thing is that porn doesn't have define our lives forever. The important thing is that we don't give up.

I've heard before that there is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt makes us feel bad so that we try to do better in the future. Shame makes us feel bad and makes us feel like it isn't worth trying to get better because we've already messed up too much. On some level, it sounds like you're dealing more with shame than with guilt: your bad feelings are pushing you lower rather than higher.

One of the things that porn does is it isolates us, cuts us off from other people, mostly by making us feel like we aren't worthy of them. But that's not true. Of course you're worthy of being connected to the people around you and the people who care about you. Forget the idea that people would like you less if they only knew about your addiction. In my experience, people who find out about my addiction somehow respect me more for dealing with something like this and not giving up.

I'm writing too much: I don't want this to seem like I'm lecturing you. Mostly, I just want you to know that we're here for you and that porn is garbage, but we can beat it one step at a time.

[brandnewself]

I'm sitting in my room, trying to type something that I want to say. Nothing. My head feels like an empty ball. Things really got out of hand. I've been binging on porn for a whole month now, EVERY SINGLE DAY. I've reached a point where I'm indifferent to my situation now. I know I want to quit but I don't feel it. I remember a few years back, every time I relapse I would feel bad about it and try to quit again. Although I never succeeded for good, I could go for 30, 40 days without porn. I was determined and hopeful. Now I'm totally lost, I can't feel anything. I feel nothing when I listen to music. I have no interest in almost anything. Not curious about anything in life. My mind is always elsewhere. How can I keep going like this? I'm not suicidal, I'm not even depressed but I genuinely feel nothing. Is it my brain's safe mechanism? To just shut down my feelings? It's probably just too much porn. The rewarding system in my body is ruined. Simple as that.
Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe it will be fine if I learn to cope with it. But how? I failed so many times already. How can I expect something different this time?

[Lero]

Coincidentally, I had an episode like this yesterday: "Can I actually do this and quit P for good?" Sometimes we are confused. We try but things don't seem to go well. This is where we get lost and question our ability to fight this poison. I've been binging a lot this last month (I started this new attempt on May 18 and in 4 days it's going to be a month), not every single day, with 4-5 days in between. The thing, I've been repeating the same mistakes. I knew what to do but, for some reason, I kept failing in the same way. I asked myself: "What the fuck is going on? I know what to do but why I don't do it?" This is where I started questioning myself and if I could actually do it.

If you binge everyday, PMO is like a painkiller, it numbs you and it makes you feel nothing. I've been there and I know what it's like. After a binge, at the end of the day I feel numb. I binged everyday for years until I learned about P addiction and started my years long fight. Yes, it's been years, and I've always had moments when I questioned my ability to actually quit this. After years, it really feels like I could die like this. I'm not saying I will die like this, but it feels like this. So the idea is: It's normal to feel numb when you binge on P everyday. Everybody should experience this. You numb your dopamine receptors.

Now, about what to do... The only thing that gives me hope is following the plan. In the past, I never really had a plan. All I wanted was to go without P forever, I relapsed, binged and reset back to day 1. But now I actually do have a plan. That's why I've considered May 18 as the first day of this "new attempt", new attempt because I started with a plan. I've learned a lot about myself in those years and I've learned a lot from people's advice around the Internet. I finally told myself that I had a plan and started following it. Like this, I could avoid beating myself up and getting super depressed, desperate and miserable after relapses. A mind in this state is a good facilitator for P addiction going out of control. I've learned that there is nothing good in thinking like that. It's normal to feel down after a relapse. People feel down sometimes but it's not a good idea to go lower than this and feel miserable and depressed. You must not allow yourself to reach that place because, if you are like this, you will never beat this addiction. If you relapsed and feel down, that's all right. Spend some time thinking about what made you fail. Write it down if you need to and start again tomorrow. If you only allow yourself to feel down and not super depressed, starting again tomorrow will feel normal. I felt down yesterday but today I'm back at it and I feel all right. I'm not happy or anything but I don't feel miserable about it. We have to trust the plan and follow it because only the plan will save us. We won't get anywhere without a plan but the plan might not work flawlessly all the time. However, the plan is still going. This is the only way to feel hope, by trusting the plan. Then you read other people's journals and see they've been through the same things but now their streak is in double digits which only reassures us that it's possible. It's not impossible to quit P, that's the truth.

Anyway, man, I don't know what I've been doing with this text, maybe it's a bit of rambling.

[BlueHeronFan]

Hey man! Porn really is like a painkiller. I know I've always used it to dull my feelings when things got stressful or disappointing. My worst binges have always come when I have felt hopeless about the future. With porn, I could switch off those feelings and disappear into the false pleasure of PMO.

Plus, in the last few months, I've been working really hard at recovery, but in the stress of school and life and everything else, I have been feeling numb, even without PMO. One of the things I have been learning about myself is that I can do the right thing even when I don't feel like it. You may not feel like fighting this addiction emotionally, but you can fight it intellectually. You know what you need to do, but it might take pushing past some feelings (or non-feelings) in order to do it.

I'm really sorry to hear this past month has been out of control for you. Progress isn't linear, but, no matter how hard it gets, you're only done for if you give up. There's a lot of 2019 left: it could still be the year to make a big step towards beating this! And we'll be here with you every step of the way!

[Lero]

Hey man! Porn really is like a painkiller. I know I've always used it to dull my feelings when things got stressful or disappointing. My worst binges have always come when I have felt hopeless about the future. With porn, I could switch off those feelings and disappear into the false pleasure of PMO. 

Yes, this is an important step: Understanding that we might be one of those people who use PMO like a "painkiller". I've always said that it acts somehow like heroin. You know, relaxing feeling, euphoria? People say the same about heroin. One day I told myself: "Man, this shit is like heroin. I'm using it in the same way people use heroin, for self-medication." About the future, I asked someone the same thing: "How could I know what to do best for my future?" The idea is, we don't know the future, it's just a concept. We have only present and past. The present is what we live now, the past happened and can't be changed (that's what some people have to understand: Crying about the past won't change it). The best thing we can do is trying to do the best things today. And like this, everyday trying to do what's best for us, we will get to a place that we envisioned before. We know what we want to become but only doing things everyday we can realize it, you know what I'm saying? Now, if you don't know what you want to become, this is a problem. You have to look inside you and discover it. Because, without a vision, you don't grow to much. You might even go nowhere. I look at some people, they are in the same place. They haven't evolved too much (spiritually, intellectually, in career etc. whatever you want to call it), because they've never really done anything, just passing the days. I'm not like that and I'd hate to live like that.

Plus, in the last few months, I've been working really hard at recovery, but in the stress of school and life and everything else, I have been feeling numb, even without PMO. One of the things I have been learning about myself is that I can do the right thing even when I don't feel like it. You may not feel like fighting this addiction emotionally, but you can fight it intellectually. You know what you need to do, but it might take pushing past some feelings (or non-feelings) in order to do it.

Even if it sucks, feeling down sometimes, feeling overwhelmed, numb whatever it's natural, at the end of the day. People feel like this sometimes. And, at the same time, people have the duty to deal with it without self-medication. No alcohol, drugs, video games, P etc. to deal with life. That's what we need. We are here trying to do that.

[brandnewself]

Coincidentally, I had an episode like this yesterday: "Can I actually do this and quit P for good?" Sometimes we are confused. We try but things don't seem to go well. This is where we get lost and question our ability to fight this poison...

Hey Lero, thanks for your reply. I understand what you mean by making a plan. For me, the biggest issue has always been not following it through. I would make a plan and stick to it for a few days and then just completely forget about it. I tried it so many times already and I still haven't learned the right way to do it. Some people say you should have everything planned in advance and make the plan systematically. Some people say you should focus on one thing at a time and don't expect to change much all at once. I guess both are correct but we need to find what works the best for us personally. I personally tend to overthink a lot and always try to find out the "perfect" plan. It never worked out well. The funny thing is, although I know I have this problem intellectually, I couldn't help myself but to do it over and over. This is where my helplessness comes from. I simply don't know what to do anymore.

One of the things I have been learning about myself is that I can do the right thing even when I don't feel like it. You may not feel like fighting this addiction emotionally, but you can fight it intellectually. You know what you need to do, but it might take pushing past some feelings (or non-feelings) in order to do it.

Great insight you got here BlueHeronFan! This is one of the things I need to work on. I always find myself trapped into my feelings and unable to get out. I'm really happy that you could manage to do this because it's truly impressive. This is also the core reason behind procrastination and a lot of my problems. I will try my best.
Right now I'm sitting in the library and trying to write something I need to submit, but I'm procrastinating again so I decided to come to the forum to change up my mind a bit. I'll write down some simple goals for today and hopefully it will help me get something done at least.

[Lero]

Coincidentally, I had an episode like this yesterday: "Can I actually do this and quit P for good?" Sometimes we are confused. We try but things don't seem to go well. This is where we get lost and question our ability to fight this poison...

Hey Lero, thanks for your reply. I understand what you mean by making a plan. For me, the biggest issue has always been not following it through. I would make a plan and stick to it for a few days and then just completely forget about it. I tried it so many times already and I still haven't learned the right way to do it. Some people say you should have everything planned in advance and make the plan systematically. Some people say you should focus on one thing at a time and don't expect to change much all at once. I guess both are correct but we need to find what works the best for us personally. I personally tend to overthink a lot and always try to find out the "perfect" plan. It never worked out well. The funny thing is, although I know I have this problem intellectually, I couldn't help myself but to do it over and over. This is where my helplessness comes from. I simply don't know what to do anymore.

Yeah, I know how this works. In the past, I didn't really have a plan. I would read some things then think I knew what to do only to fail and question if I actually knew what to do. I think so too that we need to find the right way that works for us for recovery. In my case, I got new hope and new vision after putting a plan on paper. It helps me see that I'm going somewhere and all the failures are not in vain, because this is a long term plan and it won't always work flawlessly. Of course, the plan could not be complete from the start, hence the long term vision where I will adjust stuff, add stuff and discard what doesn't work. It's like some obstacles that I have to jump over but the road leads all the way to the recovery despise the obstacles. However, sometimes it might be too soon to come to conclusions. I've been following this plan for a month with little success but every steps moves you forward. My problems was that I knew what to do but, for some reason, I still fucked up. This is what I have to figure out. And for you, if you lose your interest in the plan after a few days, you have to find a way to stick to it. We have to become friends with the plan. I don't see how someone could really do this without a plan. I know from experience than fucking around made me end up a few years after that in the same fucking place. That's when I had to put a plan on paper and join this place.

[BlueHeronFan]

I'll write down some simple goals for today and hopefully it will help me get something done at least.

That's a great idea! I've gotten out of the habit of writing down little goals for each day, but I need to get back at it. Have for a plan for each day has been super helpful for my recovery and also for just getting things done and being productive.

[brandnewself]

My brain is really fogged. I want to say many things but I'm unable to express them clearly. I guess I will just mumble whatever comes to my mind. It's been years since I started rebooting and it's not going well. Somehow I'm making it worse. The older I am, the more lost I am. At least a few years ago I was motivated to change. Now I feel like a dead person. I have no goals, I have no plan, I have no self discipline. Deep inside, I don't believe that I could achieve anything. What's even worse is I don't even want to achieve anything. This is how numb I am right now. Yesterday I was at a goodbye party of a friend of mine. A lot of people I know were there and I could see that they liked me around. Regardless, I don't feel worthy of love or even attention. I could behave as normal as I can and I know I'm doing a pretty good job. Everyone thinks I'm social and happy. Only I know how fucked up I am inside. Maybe some of my close friends also know because I told them. I can't believe how big an impact porn could have on my life. It's a huge pile of shit that I'm in. It stinks and it's suffocating. I remember when I was 16, I really liked who I was. I also had a great picture about what my future would look like. It's all gone now. How did I end up here? I never intended to be here.
I'm not suicidal in any way. I don't have depression either. I have a porn addiction though.

[squid]

My brain is really fogged. I want to say many things but I'm unable to express them clearly. I guess I will just mumble whatever comes to my mind. It's been years since I started rebooting and it's not going well. Somehow I'm making it worse. The older I am, the more lost I am. At least a few years ago I was motivated to change. Now I feel like a dead person. I have no goals, I have no plan, I have no self discipline. Deep inside, I don't believe that I could achieve anything. What's even worse is I don't even want to achieve anything. This is how numb I am right now. Yesterday I was at a goodbye party of a friend of mine. A lot of people I know were there and I could see that they liked me around. Regardless, I don't feel worthy of love or even attention. I could behave as normal as I can and I know I'm doing a pretty good job. Everyone thinks I'm social and happy. Only I know how fucked up I am inside. Maybe some of my close friends also know because I told them. I can't believe how big an impact porn could have on my life. It's a huge pile of shit that I'm in. It stinks and it's suffocating. I remember when I was 16, I really liked who I was. I also had a great picture about what my future would look like. It's all gone now. How did I end up here? I never intended to be here.
I'm not suicidal in any way. I don't have depression either. I have a porn addiction though.

I find as I get distance from pmo my motivation and drive to do other things returns.  Keep going on the reboot!  You can do it

[BlueHeronFan]

Hey, man, I don't want to minimize what you're feeling, but there's no shaming in having your recovery take time.

I feel like I'm doing pretty okay right now: I've been clean for a while, and I'm starting to develop a healthier self-image. But it's also been 10 years since the first time I started the journey of recovery. This stuff takes time, and the only way to recover is one day at a time. The important thing is to keep trying and to stay committed to recovery even when there are bumps in the road.

We're all here for you. Sorry things are rough, but they will get better, and we're here to help along the way!

[brandnewself]

Thank you guys!
Yeah I also believe that motivation will come back as I move away from PMO. But it takes a lot of dedication and time to get to that point.
Today I was quite focused in the library. I genuinely felt good when I was working on my studies. In the evening, I played a bit of mobile game and I felt guilty as I wanted to push myself to study more. This over-expectation of myself has also been a problem in my life. I know it and I need to somehow make peace with myself even when I'm not being productive. Shaming myself is not going to get anything done.

[brandnewself]

I had a birthday party yesterday and it was better than I expected. A lot of my friends came, around 30 people in total. I drank so much and apparently at some point I told my friend that I'm a big loser and he tried to comfort me. I didn't remember much of it and I was shocked this morning when he told me that. I guess I'm just deeply unsatisfied with myself subconsciously that I said it when I was drunk. My friend and I talked about this and he told me that I have to figure out a way to solve my issues. He is right. I'm responsible for myself and I need to find a solution.
I have a few free days now so I will make use of it. Tomorrow morning I will write a vision for myself and write down a plan for the next few days.