Author Topic: Not gonna go it alone (Read 78247 times)

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #525 on:** September 11, 2019, 06:17:48 PM »

Quote from: squid on September 10, 2019, 10:28:53 PM

Yeah blue your journal and posts have made a difference on my journey too. Keep up the good work! Man, you are going to find an awesome girl and she'll feel super lucky.

Thanks, squid, you know just what to say. She had better feel lucky: I'm working really hard for her and we haven't even met yet (lol)!

Wednesdays are housekeeping days

So it was busy, but not especially "productive." I have a little bit of time tonight to get some homework done and to check the boxes on some of the habits I have started tracking (like doing more creative writing and reading for fun). I have learned lately that I feel much better when I'm being creative (making things instead of just getting them done), so I'm trying to be more deliberate about putting some creative time into the day.

Feeling pretty tired, but I guess that's what happens at the end of a day.

Keep it going, everyone!

squid · « **Reply #526 on:** September 11, 2019, 09:21:37 PM »

I'd say your working hard for her, yourself, your future children, your neighborhood, your future grandchildren, the kids who play basketball in the nearby park, the future foundation you might start, for all of us rebooters too, and many more! If you keep setting goals and taking good steps through good habits like you've been doing, you're going to leave a legacy that helps people you love long after you're gone.

I think about that sometimes. The hard work of my grandfather still benefits me today.

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #527 on:** September 12, 2019, 05:18:43 PM »

Quote from: squid on September 11, 2019, 09:21:37 PM

I'd say your working hard for her, yourself, your future children, your neighborhood, your future grandchildren, the kids who play basketball in the nearby park, the future foundation you might start, for all of us rebooters too, and many more! If you keep setting goals and taking good steps through good habits like you've been doing, you're going to leave a legacy that helps people you love long after you're gone.

I think about that sometimes. The hard work of my grandfather still benefits me today.

Thank you. That really hit me. Thank you very much, such a beautiful and encouraging thought. There really are so many people who do and will depend on us being at our best.

It's an especially great way to finish off a sort of challenging day: I had a vivid porn-related dream last night that got me started off on the wrong foot. I wouldn't call them urges exactly, but I have stopped myself a couple of times today sort of daydreaming about porn. It's like, "You know what would be nice/fun? To just unwind with some porn. Remember that? That was fun." And then I catch myself and try to think in other directions.

Luckily, the afternoon got much busier with school and stuff, so the worst of it was in the morning. I'm a little on edge now, though and worried about where it's all headed. I guess the shortest answer is that it will only go as far as I let it, so I just need to stay committed and stay strong. It has been a little while since I have had to go into "war mode" or whatever I should call it. Anyway, all a good reminder that urges and triggers can happen at any time. There's no magic length of time that gives us a free ticket out of trouble forever.

Sticking to it and pressing forward!

squid · « **Reply #528 on:** September 12, 2019, 07:51:17 PM »

Good self awareness blue. I'd just caution you about focusing too much on fighting pmo. Remember, it's best fought indirectly by dedicating yourself to something you love. Thinking about waging war on pmo is thinking about pmo which gives it power. What goals do you have for this month and do you have a plan to reach them?

pichaelthompson · « **Reply #529 on:** September 12, 2019, 09:10:59 PM »

Good insight- some days it feels like PMO has absolutely no power in the mind, but other days can turn into an all-out war. Regardless, we got to stick with it because it will only result in net-positive changes. Glad to hear you're doing well and staying strong!

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #530 on:** September 13, 2019, 06:19:02 PM »

Thanks, everyone!

After a good night's sleep and a busy day, I'm doing a lot better in the urges/daydreaming department. It's been a much better day in terms of addiction management.

I had a good meeting with my professor today. We talked about the things that I need to do in the next few years, and we made a timeline for me to finish the program and graduate. I sort of knew when I wanted to graduate, but now I have it more official with a real plan of action. That feels good. I have definitely been feeling trapped in school, like it has been endless. It sort of has been, but I have a definite endpoint now. Thank goodness!

It has been a crazy week, though. I'm feeling relieved but also pretty tired. Good things on the horizon, I hope.

Keep it going!

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #531 on:** September 14, 2019, 08:31:15 PM »

I had dinner at a professor's house tonight, so I spent a good chunk of the day cooking something to take.

The only other thing I did today was the mandatory online training for my school about sexual assault and harassment. There were some sections that showed examples of media that convey sexualized messages and that talked about sex in ways that were kind of triggering. I feel like they could have made their point without including suggestive images. I just tried to stay mindful, to recognize the triggers and let them go by. It helped that I got to leave the house and do something else right after. That gave me time to sort of forget about the triggers and get my head back to reality.

Let's go see what tomorrow brings!

squid · « **Reply #532 on:** September 15, 2019, 08:13:29 AM »

What did you make for the dinner? I'm looking for new recipes. I want to get into slow cooker stuff as the weather gets colder but I'm open to all new recipes!

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #533 on:** September 15, 2019, 05:55:08 PM »

Quote from: squid on September 15, 2019, 08:13:29 AM

What did you make for the dinner? I'm looking for new recipes. I want to get into slow cooker stuff as the weather gets colder but I'm open to all new recipes!

I just made a loaf of bread for the dinner yesterday. Today, though, I'm roasting a chicken with some vegetables (potatoes, carrots, onion, sweet potatoes, etc.) I've been really enjoying some of the recipes on the Food 52 website lately. Some of them are more complex, but a lot of the ones I have done lately turned out really well.

Quiet day today

Went to church (a woman I might be interested in sat next to me by surprise, so we'll see what happens there). Then I came home and cooked some food for the week (including the chicken I mentioned already). I talked to family. Then a friend called me because a woman he was trying to date suddenly told him that she has a boyfriend in another state (like why not say that on Day 1?!) So I had to talk him through it and help him feel better. I don't know if anything I said helped, but I hope it did.

Now I just have to get a few things ready for tomorrow and it's back to a busy week.

Quitforeverthenwin · « **Reply #534 on:** September 16, 2019, 06:16:09 AM »

Man, you're doing so awesome! Definitely an inspiration for where I want go get to. Man, I've been gone awhile glad to see you've progressed so much.

squid · « **Reply #535 on:** September 16, 2019, 06:24:15 AM »

Quote from: BlueHeronFan on September 15, 2019, 05:55:08 PM

Quote from: squid on September 15, 2019, 08:13:29 AM
What did you make for the dinner? I'm looking for new recipes. I want to get into slow cooker stuff as the weather gets colder but I'm open to all new recipes!

I just made a loaf of bread for the dinner yesterday. Today, though, I'm roasting a chicken with some vegetables (potatoes, carrots, onion, sweet potatoes, etc.) I've been really enjoying some of the recipes on the Food 52 website lately. Some of them are more complex, but a lot of the ones I have done lately turned out really well.

Quiet day today

Went to church (a woman I might be interested in sat next to me by surprise, so we'll see what happens there). Then I came home and cooked some food for the week (including the chicken I mentioned already). I talked to family. Then a friend called me because a woman he was trying to date suddenly told him that she has a boyfriend in another state (like why not say that on Day 1?!) So I had to talk him through it and help him feel better. I don't know if anything I said helped, but I hope it did.

Now I just have to get a few things ready for tomorrow and it's back to a busy week.

Sounds like a great Sunday! I'll take a look at that website for recipes.

achilles heel · « **Reply #536 on:** September 16, 2019, 11:42:07 AM »

Quote from: BlueHeronFan on September 12, 2019, 05:18:43 PM

It's an especially great way to finish off a sort of challenging day: I had a vivid porn-related dream last night that got me started off on the wrong foot. I wouldn't call them urges exactly, but I have stopped myself a couple of times today sort of daydreaming about porn. It's like, "You know what would be nice/fun? To just unwind with some porn. Remember that? That was fun." And then I catch myself and try to think in other directions.

Luckily, the afternoon got much busier with school and stuff, so the worst of it was in the morning. I'm a little on edge now, though and worried about where it's all headed. I guess the shortest answer is that it will only go as far as I let it, so I just need to stay committed and stay strong. It has been a little while since I have had to go into "war mode" or whatever I should call it. Anyway, all a good reminder that urges and triggers can happen at any time. There's no magic length of time that gives us a free ticket out of trouble forever.

Sticking to it and pressing forward!

Good to see you are still aware and don't get desperate about porn appearing in your dreams after such a long time. This recovery is a life long task and you are showing how the daily work is still neccessary even after half a year without porn. Keep going and inspiring!

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #537 on:** September 16, 2019, 09:39:20 PM »

Quote from: Quitforeverthenwin on September 16, 2019, 06:16:09 AM

Man, you're doing so awesome! Definitely an inspiration for where I want go get to. Man, I've been gone awhile glad to see you've progressed so much.

Thanks a lot! Good to see you around again! I know I wanted to be where I am now at the beginning of the year, but I don't think I really would have believed it was possible. It is definitely possible to get some space between you and the addiction. It just happens one day at a time.

Quote from: squid on September 16, 2019, 06:24:15 AM

Sounds like a great Sunday! I'll take a look at that website for recipes.

Thanks! Definitely do.

Quote from: achilles heel on September 16, 2019, 11:42:07 AM

Good to see you are still aware and don't get desperate about porn appearing in your dreams after such a long time. This recovery is a life long task and you are showing how the daily work is still neccessary even after half a year without porn. Keep going and inspiring!

Thanks, achilles! It really has just come down to daily work. None of the last 6 months matters if I don't do things right today. One day at a time is all we can do. And that can make things seem slow and difficult, but it's also great because one day is doable. More than that, and it can start to get intimidating.

Today was crazy busy

From start to finish, I feel like I was running around all day. I had extra meetings and stuff going all day. I left the house earlier than usual and didn't get back until pretty late. I'm definitely worn out, but I also wanted to be sure to post.

The only really newsworthy thing is that I had a chance to talk to the woman from yesterday. It was a pretty good, easygoing talk. I'm definitely being careful not to go "all in" like I have a tendency to do, trying to keep things healthy and not obsessive. But there might just be something there. I was at a table with a bunch of other people, and she came over and we sort of ended up talking just the two of us separate from the rest of the group. It was nice, and she seems cool. So we'll see.

Keep on marching! One day at a time!

squid · « **Reply #538 on:** September 16, 2019, 10:11:30 PM »

Sounds like a great day blue. If she seems interested in you, invite her out to coffee or something!

The food52 website gave me a bunch of slow cooker ideas. I'll try one this week and let you know how it goes.

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #539 on:** September 17, 2019, 05:31:12 PM »

Quote from: squid on September 16, 2019, 10:11:30 PM

Sounds like a great day blue. If she seems interested in you, invite her out to coffee or something!

The food52 website gave me a bunch of slow cooker ideas. I'll try one this week and let you know how it goes.

That's a good idea! I had some down time at work, so I spent a little while researching places in town that I could take her out to, you know, some place nice but casual and sort of unique to the town. I have a short list of options now, so if the opportunity presents itself, I'll make it happen.

Hey, I'm glad you found some good stuff on the website! Definitely let me know how it goes!

Another day

I just had work today, but it wasn't too busy. Then I came home and had some dinner, and now I have just a couple things to do before the end of the day. It was nice to be out and about last night, but I really like a low-key night in a lot more. I didn't sleep too well last night, so I'm going to try to relax myself into better sleep tonight (no screens, low lights, etc.)

Still carrying on!

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #540 on:** September 18, 2019, 06:54:16 PM »

Not a very busy or eventful day. Pretty usual stuff today.

But last night after I posted, I talked on the phone with an old friend I haven't talked to in years. At one point, he said that he always sort of figured I just wasn't that interested in women. Part of me wanted to "prove" how interested in them I am, but then I just thought to myself "If only he knew what I've been dealing with."

It has made me think about how I have always been very secretive about women I'm interested in. I guess I worried that if I told anyone that I was interested in a woman, they would also somehow know that I was addicted to porn. Was I worried that if someone knew who I was attracted to they would just see through it to my addictive perversions? Or like one of my worst irrational fears is having someone ask me who my "celebrity crush" is: those are normal things for people to have, but I worry that people would just think, "Oh, so that's the kind of woman he's interested in. Clearly he's a porn addict." I have had friends who always want to talk about girls, and I have never been that way. When it comes to real relationships and romance and feelings, I have always kept them almost as secret as my addiction.

That's obviously not how reality work, but that's how I have felt for a long time. I think I have tried subconsciously to make people see me as asexual so that they would never suspect my sex-related addiction. Even the women I'm interested in. I have gotten better at asking people out (still have a way to go on that), but I still hate when other people find out that I went out with someone. I don't want anyone to know, ever. And I don't think that's healthy.

In general, I think I'm a very guarded person, and I don't think I need to give that up entirely. But I can see how it can get in the way. At the very least, it's probably not a great way to be in a relationship. Learning to be more open about myself and my feelings is definitely something I could work on. Definitely scary to think about, but probably the right thing to do.

squid · « **Reply #541 on:** September 19, 2019, 07:15:18 AM »

That post is relatable. I think in many ways we hide ourselves to protect ourselves. But, even though it feels safe to repress our sexual expression, it's not safe. It's comfortable but not safe at all. Maybe 100 years ago it would be safe to act asexual in public but not anymore.

I believe as you confront those fears and express your affections to people you really like, it will have a profound effect. In many ways, that is the exact opposite of pmo. Be brave blue, be respectful, but be brave. Express my friend.

Let us know how it goes!

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #542 on:** September 19, 2019, 05:51:27 PM »

Thanks for the understanding and support, squid! It means a lot. I really like what you said about it being comfortable but not safe. Definitely something to think about.

Okay, I think I've decided: I'm going to try to set up a date. I haven't decided when and I really should, but I have a paper due this next week, so I feel like this weekend is sort of out of the question. Maybe next weekend? I promise I'm not just putting it off.

The bigger goal here is to have a chance A) to get to know someone better who seems cool; and B) to really give someone a chance to get to know me (and not just a version of me). I have done a really good job of presenting the "most marketable" version of myself on dates before, and that doesn't help anyone. My goal is to try to not be shy about my opinions, my hobbies, etc. How can we ever know if we're compatible if I keep everything about myself to myself? "Respectful and brave," that's what I'll be. I have spent way too much time being invisible because I think that's respectful.

So here goes nothing!

squid · « **Reply #543 on:** September 19, 2019, 06:32:58 PM »

Go get em!

Arthur2 · « **Reply #544 on:** September 20, 2019, 06:26:15 AM »

Me too i want to date a giiiiiiiiiiirl !

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #545 on:** September 20, 2019, 07:39:02 PM »

Quote from: squid on September 19, 2019, 06:32:58 PM

Go get em!

Ha, thanks! I think I will!

Today was pretty good

It was a long day at school, but nothing too crazy. At the end of the day, though, I unexpectedly ran into the woman I'm thinking of asking out. It didn't happen today. I was going home and she was meeting a (female) friend for dinner, so it just didn't feel right, but we did sit down and talk for a while, and it was nice. Definitely made me think it's not such a crazy idea. So I guess I'll just have to see what happens.

Let's all go have a great weekend!

squid · « **Reply #546 on:** September 20, 2019, 08:13:22 PM »

You gotta get it out bro. Even if things don't work out hunky dory. Becoming a person who expresses what they want to people they care about is worth any bumps along the road you might experience. The time will never be perfect, don't let fear get in your way. Have a great weekend!

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #547 on:** September 21, 2019, 07:04:10 PM »

Thanks, squid! I'll see what I can do the next time the opportunity arises.

Today was an okay day.

I had one goal today: to make a lot of progress on the paper that's due this week. Well, the day is over and I still haven't started. I wish I could say that I was just goofing off and I should know better, but I was busy all day. I guess the good thing is that I have a lot of smaller things done that I don't have to worry about anymore, but it's still frustrating.

I guess that's just how grad school is (for me, at least). It always feels like I have 36 hours worth of things to do a day. Even now, I could make a list of things that I want to get done before I go to bed, but I'm going to have to decide which ones can wait. It's a frustrating cycle, but I guess that's how it goes. Once the semester starts up, I always just feel like I'm catching up, no matter how much I get done in a day.

Oh well, tomorrow should be a pretty good day (fingers crossed). Onward and upward!

Quitforeverthenwin · « **Reply #548 on:** September 22, 2019, 08:29:16 AM »

Keep it up! That is cool about the girl, she definitely does sound interested. I tend to notice more women interested in me when I am very busy, doing a lot at work or even with hobbies I feel like they can sense it.

I think just making things casual both in your mind and when you ask her out can help... the "in your mind" part is easier said then done, I don't have a ton of help there lol.

But in terms of asking her out subtly sort of in "steps" can help.

Johhny's= Cool casual lunch date spot that is conveniently located close to your campus. (just an example)

Not in steps:

Girl: Yeah so chemistry class we learned a lot
Guy: I know I love molecules
Girl: Me too, My favorite is phosphorous!
Guy: WANT TO GO TO JOHNNY's With me on Wednesday night?

In steps:
Example 1
Girl: Yeah so chemistry class we learned a lot
Guy: I know I love molecules
Girl:Me too, My favorite is phosphorous!
Guy: Cool!... You ever been to Johnny's?
Girl: No

(Or) Yes, I like it!
Guy: Omg I love that place, we should go sometime
Girl: Awesome!
Guy: Awesome.... wait you have my number right? ( smooth lol)
Girl: No
Guy: Cool let's exchange numbers, class is crazy right now maybe we can do like wends or thurs

Totally doesn't have to be just like that, just one easier way to ask a girl out imo. Plus it could make things a lil easier mentally since it's not like waiting for this big romantic ask her out moment.

Or it can be way simplified lol.
Guy: We should hang out sometime
Girl: : )
Guy: You been to johnny's ( can do the exact same thing)

This can be pretty awesome too especially when it's obvious you guys are into each other

Do what ever works for you! Sometimes just having a bit of a gameplan (not like trying to follow things word for word or being a robot) can make things easier, and gives you options. For example the "steps" one can work really well even if the moment isn't right

Also scope out the date spot in advance, go in person

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #549 on:** September 22, 2019, 06:54:05 PM »

Thanks so much, Quit! This is awesome and pretty helpful. I was feeling a little down this evening, but this put a smile on my face. I'll definitely see what I can do about giving it a shot "in steps."

I'm pretty sure I'll have to ask her at some point if she has a favorite molecule, lol. If it's not phosphorus, I'll just give up on her.

But, in seriousness, making things casual in my mind is definitely the trick. I think I'm pretty good at putting up a casual front (for better or worse), but it's harder to do internally. I have definitely been burned (pretty recently) by being too "un-casual" too quick, so I'm definitely only in the mood for something more casual and gradual at this point.

I guess for me, I'm not like head-over-heels (I have done that before, though), but I am interested. Mostly, I think I'm worried that I might not communicate that well (and that I will just come across as uninterested). To be fair, I don't think I've ever been this thoughtful about something like this before. I also haven't ever had backup from a solid group of recovery buddies either. So I think this could work. But I'm also trying to be very okay with it not working out too if that's what happens. Nothing to do but see how things go from here.

Other than all that, a pretty chill day. Went to church, cooked some food, had a friend over for a little bit. The next few weeks are looking like they will be crazy busy, so I'm not too excited about starting back up again tomorrow. But there's a school break after that, and I'm sure I will NEED it. So that's something to look forward to and keep me going.

One day at a time!