I think I have a problem

[Detente]

Damn, there's something about this friend that sets me off. She said she's got plans to meet a guy she just met tomorrow and also that she meet a "cool guy" at a networking event last night. And I got really jealous again. And feeling inadequate. Like I wasn't able to get her situated and integrated here, but these guys can because they're so outgoing, successful, etc. And I'm wondering if she's rubbing it my face, or just genuinely excited and wanting to share. Just brings up a lot of shit. Still a good idea I think to keep my distance and work on myself. And find my tribe, as she is doing.

I'd first heard of a dating coach many years ago and thought it was weird. But here I am, and I think it's a great idea, especially for men, and especially for introverted men like me. I'm not exactly an alpha male. This coach seems experienced and knows what she's talking about, and caring. The thing is, me and I think 99% of guys have no one to talk to about fears about dating, feeling inadequate, feeling hurt, ashamed, etc. I can bring that to her and my therapist. The coach also does therapy. But she's too damn expensive to see each week! And too far away anyway.

Yeah, with this recent date I really didn't feel any real physical attraction. I do think I need to lower my standards a bit, as I'm not a model either. But I can't discount looks entirely.

Did you actually date your friend, or just sort of talk about being a couple? I imagine you dated because she ended up so hurt?

Thanks, yes, 61 days is a good mark. The PMO temptation has really not been there. A better measure of success for me now may be how many dates I've been and women I've asked out this year...

[Detente]

Well I'm feeling some slight temptation today. I'm just really bored at work, sick of being single, and have Fear of Missing Out (of sex) right now. PMO by chatting online would be what I'd indulge in and justify in situations like this. I'm confident I won't, but I wanted to document this. Instead of PMO I'm going to work out.

[Detente]

I followed through on working out. It kind of drove out any pmo urge. I did mo, but I don't think that's a problem as long as it's not tied to p. I go from feeling very lonely and hopeless to feeling, at times, optimistic. That if I focus my dating on making a real connection, I'll find someone I click with, and my fears about being a bit of a loner, a lack of relationship history, won't be a factor. Or at least less of one. Trying to focus on my good qualities and what I can offer. Also on what I want, which is something I often don't think about, due to low self-esteem. I think people with healthy self-esteem feel is their, and other's, right to pursue why they want. Seems obvious but really hasn't been the case with me.

One positive thing is I've gotten into really good shape going to the gym and doing workout classes. That feels good.

[Detente]

Checking in to say just how sad and angry I feel about how shabbily I've treated myself all these years. How I've denied myself the basics in life. I guess I'm coming out of the fog and realizing how insane my limiting beliefs are and how unfair I've been to myself.

[NewVerse]

p. I go from feeling very lonely and hopeless to feeling, at times, optimistic. That if I focus my dating on making a real connection, I'll find someone I click with, and my fears about being a bit of a loner, a lack of relationship history, won't be a factor. Or at least less of one. Trying to focus on my good qualities and what I can offer. Also on what I want, which is something I often don't think about, due to low self-esteem. I think people with healthy self-esteem feel is their, and other's, right to pursue why they want. Seems obvious but really hasn't been the case with me.

I relate to this part so much. I can feel on top of the world and then be around people who will have a conversation that immediately makes me feel like a kid who was allowed to stay up late and talk to the grown ups at the party. Usually people a little bit younger than me, I get plunged down to earth and I start thinking escape which often leads me back to binging.

I have stopped worrying about flat out admitting to someone I haven't been in a relationship in quite some time. Watching people who seem to function normally, and effortlessly can be disheartening. You never really know anyone though.

[Detente]

I had some typos in that last post, but yeah, a big thing with me is feeling left out and thinking it's so much easier for other people to interact and go with the flow with others. A lot of it is in my head, and I think deep down there's a sense that not only can I not connect with people, it's not safe to do so. Actually I know I can connect, but I keep my guard up for some reason. And I think deep down I also believe I don't deserve love, respect, success, etc. And yes, other people have their own "stuff" ... and their own way of dealing with it. I isolate while other people may cling to others or do anything to be with others, for example.

[Detente]

Just checking in. No PMO or temptation. I think since I wrote last I've been on one more date, three on the year. Not something I want to pursue further, but the experience helps. But I'm feeling down and discouraged right now. Need to stay focused on finding a connection and feeling I'm someone worthwhile and have a lot to offer. Which I think is true, but I need to keep reminding myself of that.

[Detente]

Checking in with a slight blip. A day or two ago I was on a chat site that a 12-step organization I'm looking into uses for online meetings. It's a general site, so that have chat rooms for every topic I suppose. I briefly dropped into an adult one, but didn't stay.

Also, today I definitely started to feel temptation and thoughts of porn. I think it was boredom and the freedom from working away from the office.

Tomorrow I'll hit day 90 of this latest reset. I hadn't been counting before but it's nice to mark that milestone.

[workinprogressUK]

Congrats on your milestone. Inspirational. Hope you're feeling good on it. And as for your blip.... you have more time served than me and than most of the people on here, so you know best how to categorize it. Enjoy your weekend!

[Detente]

Thank you! Yeah, it's a blip to me because I didn't engage in chatting and left almost immediately.

I'm still feeling temptation though. I'm at work but it's quiet and slow. So I'm relaxed and bored, which can lead me to into chatting and PMO.

[olafthewise]

you got a brain stim problem.
find more healthy brain stimulations to do...sci/fi movies, hobbies, etc.

[Detente]

Regretfully, I must report another relapse.  I had made it to 114 days PMO free.  I was making good progress on the dating front I felt, about to turn a corner in my mindset about really trying to get serious and earnest about finding someone.  I still am, but this is a setback.  It feels like self-sabotage, like my old, immature, selfish self wants to hold on and not let a better self emerge.

This is disappointing, but I hope it's just one step backward as I continue to take steps forward.

[Detente]

PMO free, but it's fairly easy during the week.  I felt a bit temptation at the end of the day, a slow day.

The biggest test is the weekend.  I exercised this morning and have plans this afternoon, but nothing planned so far for the evening.  Tomorrow more plans, so I think I'm safe.

Strange that I'm already feeling temptation only a week out.  I had an off week all week, not exercising or eating right, getting into work late, and slacking off.  I'm aiming to correct that next week.

[Detente]

No PMO.  I guess some slight temptation.  I feel like I'm still in the cusp of leaving my old ways and attitudes about myself behind, but I still also feel pulled back to the familiar painful, lonely, pessimistic, and self-absorbed ways (which includes PMO).

[workinprogressUK]

Wonder what it is that pulls you back? Is there part of you that doesn't want the better life that you've worked so hard for? I know that a part of my brain wants me to go back my dirty old ways. Really hope you can pull through and stay strong, Detente. I agree with you about weekends being worse. Maybe when there's less structure, more opportunity, guard down? Good luck for the next few days and then maybe get a tight grip of your thinking on Friday, mate?

[Detente]

Workinprogress, yes, there's definitely something deep down that holds me back and doesn't want a better life. Probably some deep-seated shame or defectiveness that says I don't deserve a love life, respect, intimacy (with a partner and friends). I generally know how it developed, but it'll take work to overcome. There's also maybe resistance to being a mature man, giving up my old ways that in some sense rewards me. Also, let's face it, PMO, at least in the middle of an episode, is exciting and an escape from the day-to-day.

[olafthewise]

get off the computer after cleaning any saved sites. Remain off of it for a week. Habits are hard to forget. just re-tune your brain.

find other stimulus like movies, exercise, construction stuff, etc.

[Detente]

find other stimulus like movies, exercise, construction stuff, etc.

This is key.  Keeping busy helps.  Specifically, planning ahead and getting things on the schedule.  One thing that's lacking in my life I think is learning.  Signing up for a class of any sort will help me get excited about something and not just muddle through week to week. 

No PMO or real temptations.  It's been 27 days since my last binge.