Pills during reboot

[ruuddejong]

I am doing my reboot and I am in Day 5 - it is going relatively easy and I feel like the flatline is coming. However, I have a problem:

Last night wife finally told me that she never feels wanted and even when we have sex, she feels I am not really there and I just do it because we need to do it. She is right. I only do it because I know I have to. I don't even get horny next to her, wanting her etc. I just told her that I think she is very beautiful and sexy (and she is, honestly, a 10/10).

I am hoping this is all because of porn and my senses will come back to life in a few months but I cannot just stop having sex - AND I cannot tell her about my addiction. First years of relationship and marriage, we were doing it 3-4 times a week at least, and sometimes multiple times a day and I wasn't doing porn in that period because it was all new and exciting, so I did not need porn I guess.

The problem now is, unless I truly want her and initiate sex and make her feel it is real (not because I have to), she will not be happy and she can easily see the difference between now and then. And THAT won't happen anytime soon.

So my question is would using pills work? I never used one, so I am not sure if it just makes your thingy hard (i.e. just physical effect) or does it also make you want sex much more than usual? I guess it may slow down the progress and cause chaser effects etc but I am ready for that.

[Gracie]

It did not make my husband want me more.  I could tell the lust was not there.  There was no feeling of he could not wait to have me.  Sooo no.

[Mayer]

It seems to me your getting the wrong end of the stick here so to speak. You are currently covering up and lying about your addiction to you wife and you are also asking how best to do this. This is manipulation, you are tricking her into thinking nothing is wrong. You have identified you are addicted, now you need to look at yourself and think do I want to continue lying and cheating or do I want to be better.
I know how it is, use my experience. My porn addiction was discovered by my wife, which is the worst way a partner can find out, it is incredibly traumatic and I am lucky to still be married. Also I tried to hide the depth of my addiction, this is also not a good thing, for each thing that comes out is also traumatic. I suggest if you want a good future with your current spouse then you need to be open and honest with her about all of this. It's up to her then what she does, if you are lucky she will stay with you and help you through it. Keeping it secret just won't help, you need support to break this addiction. Not just from here and you wife but from local 12 step groups etc.. good luck on your recovery.

[ruuddejong]

It did not make my husband want me more.  I could tell the lust was not there.  There was no feeling of he could not wait to have me.  Sooo no.

Thanks Gracie, that is helpful. May I ask when did the lust come back? Or is he not there yet?

[Numez]

It seems to me your getting the wrong end of the stick here so to speak. You are currently covering up and lying about your addiction to you wife and you are also asking how best to do this. This is manipulation, you are tricking her into thinking nothing is wrong. You have identified you are addicted, now you need to look at yourself and think do I want to continue lying and cheating or do I want to be better.
I know how it is, use my experience. My porn addiction was discovered by my wife, which is the worst way a partner can find out, it is incredibly traumatic and I am lucky to still be married. Also I tried to hide the depth of my addiction, this is also not a good thing, for each thing that comes out is also traumatic. I suggest if you want a good future with your current spouse then you need to be open and honest with her about all of this. It's up to her then what she does, if you are lucky she will stay with you and help you through it. Keeping it secret just won't help, you need support to break this addiction. Not just from here and you wife but from local 12 step groups etc.. good luck on your recovery.

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seems like you ignored this post. you just want to get the lust back and act like nothing happened. you chicken out from facing the problem head on, thumbs down.

[ruuddejong]

It seems to me your getting the wrong end of the stick here so to speak. You are currently covering up and lying about your addiction to you wife and you are also asking how best to do this. This is manipulation, you are tricking her into thinking nothing is wrong. You have identified you are addicted, now you need to look at yourself and think do I want to continue lying and cheating or do I want to be better.
I know how it is, use my experience. My porn addiction was discovered by my wife, which is the worst way a partner can find out, it is incredibly traumatic and I am lucky to still be married. Also I tried to hide the depth of my addiction, this is also not a good thing, for each thing that comes out is also traumatic. I suggest if you want a good future with your current spouse then you need to be open and honest with her about all of this. It's up to her then what she does, if you are lucky she will stay with you and help you through it. Keeping it secret just won't help, you need support to break this addiction. Not just from here and you wife but from local 12 step groups etc.. good luck on your recovery.

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seems like you ignored this post. you just want to get the lust back and act like nothing happened. you chicken out from facing the problem head on, thumbs down.

Well first, I did not ignore, I read it and I just did not reply it. Second, I could very well ignore it.

I made it clear in various messages, I do not plan to tell my wife about this under any circumstances. Chicken out or not. I will solve this without giving her the grief of her lifetime.

[Gracie]

The lustful part has not ever fully came back.  However, having gone through this, our marriage is different.  I believe Mayer's point in telling your wife, is that discovery by her can be a shit show.  Telling her controls emotions much better for both of you.  I was a discoverer after several years of feeling something was off in the marriage.  I actually thought there was an affair even though there was no time for one.  But our intimacy, ie closeness, talking together, sex life was non existent.  Their was no loving touch applied to anything.  So I would say wives know for many years, they just dont know exactly what.   

[ruuddejong]

The lustful part has not ever fully came back.  However, having gone through this, our marriage is different.  I believe Mayer's point in telling your wife, is that discovery by her can be a shit show.  Telling her controls emotions much better for both of you.  I was a discoverer after several years of feeling something was off in the marriage.  I actually thought there was an affair even though there was no time for one.  But our intimacy, ie closeness, talking together, sex life was non existent.  Their was no loving touch applied to anything.  So I would say wives know for many years, they just dont know exactly what.

That is a little discouraging. And yes, I know my wife is not happy and she suspects something is wrong - but if I can stop PMO, without her finding out and things get better, then she wouldn't have to suffer for months. As you know best, that "know for many years" pain is nothing compared to "discover" or even "being told by husband that he has been lying to you for years".

[Numez]

As you know best, that "know for many years" pain is nothing compared to "discover" or even "being told by husband that he has been lying to you for years".

haha funny. so being dishonest with your wife is better than being honest with her? its good how you try to sell it like its best for her. it makes you look like a protector. nice effort.

[DoneAtLast]

To the OP, I'll also mention that one of the catalysts for the nofap movement in the early days was guys who were trying pills, found they didn't work, and figured out that porn was the problem.  So, there is that massive data set that says that porn induced ED is not treatable with pills.  I have no personal experience with it, though.

I'd also say please don't disqualify the idea of telling her.  I'm not saying you need to tell her in the next 48 hours, but think deeply about the alternatives.  She may think you don't love her or that she isn't attractive, and then the blame goes on her.  She may find out on her own.  She already sounds hurt, and without addressing it you're implicitly putting a lot of the blame on her.  No one here can tell you exactly how you need to do this, but if you want to keep those skeletons in the closet, you're going to have to reboot now, make yesterday your last day of porn, and resolve to do everything you can to make your wife feel loved.  If you can't do it in the sack, do it in every other way possible.

[ruuddejong]

To the OP, I'll also mention that one of the catalysts for the nofap movement in the early days was guys who were trying pills, found they didn't work, and figured out that porn was the problem.  So, there is that massive data set that says that porn induced ED is not treatable with pills.  I have no personal experience with it, though.

I'd also say please don't disqualify the idea of telling her.  I'm not saying you need to tell her in the next 48 hours, but think deeply about the alternatives.  She may think you don't love her or that she isn't attractive, and then the blame goes on her.  She may find out on her own.  She already sounds hurt, and without addressing it you're implicitly putting a lot of the blame on her.  No one here can tell you exactly how you need to do this, but if you want to keep those skeletons in the closet, you're going to have to reboot now, make yesterday your last day of porn, and resolve to do everything you can to make your wife feel loved.  If you can't do it in the sack, do it in every other way possible.

Thanks for that - I was not trying to solve PIED with pills. In fact, I am in my day 10 of reboot, I was just asking if I can use pills to have sex with my wife DURING my reboot. I have no intention to go back to PMO (of course easier said than done).

And re telling my wife, yes I get all the points, but I just cannot do it and will not do it unless I fail at my reboot. Because the way I see it, If I stay away from PMO, sooner or later, things will get better and she will be fine.