6 Year Flatline

[Altlcrzy]

So....I write this this evening being in a place of complete loss as to what to do. This January will be 6 years no PMO AND no MO. None boys and girls. And when I mean none, I mean none. I remember seeing one of Gabe's video's along time ago and he said porn cannot be an option, and for me it hasn't been. For close to 6 years I have not looked at porn, or anything like it. I've quit TV for multiple stints of over 6 months, one which was closer to a year, I got rid of my smart phone for well over a year and had a flip phone, drastically changed my diet, quit drinking (5 years clean and sober thank you very much) quit playing video games, SEVERELY restricted my time on the internet, the list could go on forever. Essentially, I've completely changed my life, but my dick still don't work! I really want to be clear here because I know someone will be thinking we'll he must be doing X or Y and that is why he hasn't healed yet. I'm telling you, if there is some behavior I'm doing I just don't know what it is. I don't edge, and I'm not up on FB all night, or hardly ever. I don't online date, I don't surf the internet, I eat very healthy and exercise regularly. Also, I've attempted multiple times to rewire with real girl all of which have been unsuccessful. Again, when I say I try to rewire I mean being in a LTR with someone who knows about what's going on and has worked with me dozens of times to help me rewire. And just for clarification, this was after years of no PMO/MO.

I remember when I found YBOP and reading it for the first time. It was the same experience some alcoholics have when they read the Big Book. I read it and I found myself in every story. I started PMOing to the Joy of Sex at about 8 and it was my most prominent addiction throughout my adult life. What's funny, is I didn't even know it was an addiction. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew I had a problem, but ultimately I just thought I was horny. Anyway, after I found the site and started my reboot at around day 55/56 I had withdrawals akin to something you'd see in Trainspotting. I Fn flipped out. Melted down my friends. PMO/MO was such a huge part of my life that my brain just didn't know what the F to do without it. I remained strong however, and that resolve to quit porn 6 years ago is still with me. That said, I need help.

At almost 6 years into this, I still can't have sex. My nervous system is still jacked and I just don't know what to do. I've been to every doctor there is, truly, from western medicine to eastern, all of which say I'm a healthy dude. Fuck...I only wish.  So I reach out tonight looking for help from the community. I'm at a loss. I don't know what else I can do. If there is something else I can do, I'll do it. I just don't know what it is. 


Full disclosure, if you dig around on yourbrainrebalanced you'll find and old journal of mine that says I was able to have sex and that is true. At about 7 months no PMO/MO my Johnson started to work. Fn amazing. My wife at the time just got into bed and I was hard as the Washington Monument. That's all she had to do was get in bed. For one glorious week I was able to have sex like a normal human, but as so many do on here, I over did it and had sex four times that week. After that fourth time I could feel my brain take a turn. And for the next 7-10 days I went into this super gnarly depression. In trying to combat it I did all of what has been described above and continued to do so but I'm still rocking a softy 5 years later. Help me boys....

Sincerely,

A rebooter true and true still on his journey to success.

[Fappy]

That is one mother of a flatline! six years no PMO but still getting erectile disfunction?
It doesnt sound like PIED then, given the amount of time youve been off PMO. But on the other hand doctors cant help? I assume youve been to doctors specialising in male sexual disfunctions? Weird.
Do you still sometimes fantasise about porn?

[Altlcrzy]

Every doctor known to man. Fit as a fiddle. Also, no fantasy. I’ve been hardcore man. Like truly hardcore.

[Fappy]

Mmmmmmm... 
It may be psychological then? Can you get an erection from wanking?

[mousemat1]

It saddens me to read your story. I'm just going to assume that you've had your testosterone levels checked as you said you've seen several doctors.

From your post I understand you're no longer with your wife. Is that correct? If I've understood correctly and your attempts at rewiring have been with other women, do you think it's due to performance anxiety?

Do you wake up with erections? Do you get occasional spontaneous erections?

If you were to start stroking yourself now, would you get hard?

Obviously, don't do the following!

If you looked at porn, do you think you would get hard? The reason I ask is that I'm still struggling with getting erections with my partner, but I know for a fact I would be able to get an erection to porn because if I stumble across an image on the internet which shows women modelling lingerie I immediately start to become engorged.

Because I wake up with morning erections and because a 3 second glance at a provocative image will get things moving, I have concluded that my erectile health is fine, but due to desensitisation, the real thing doesn't arouse me, yet.

One final question, because I think it has been a factor in my long reboot. Did you escalate through the different genres of porn like most of us here? I got to sissy porn before huge alarms started ringing and I knew I had to stop. I needed more shocking porn to get aroused and so I think returning to base line is going to be a long slow process for me too.

[Altlcrzy]

What's funny is I knew that for some people this would be discouraging. That's not my intent. Honestly I want to come out on the other side and be the guy who after a truly long experience was able to come out on the other side. Honestly, I'm so committed to that, that there is nothing that would ever have me go back to that life. Even though I'm rocking a wet noodle, the rest of my life has change dramatically for the better. I I'm in great shape, have friends, I quit using alcohol (and drugs) almost 5 years ago, I don't waste my time playing video games or any BS like that, so my life is substantially better than it was, just no sex.
The most frustrating thing is, is that I know it can work. If I could never have a boner then I'd be like, "well fuck, I guess that's just my lot in life" but that's not the case. I've had real sex when I was younger and was able to very briefly 7 months into this. So I know it's in me somewhere. It's just a matter of getting there.

[Altlcrzy]

I forgot to add, that no, I do not get morning erections. I do get them during the night, but almost never in the morning. Rare occasions, yes, but 99% of the time no.

I'm back in here editing because there have been behaviors that have been "PMOish" that have happened during my 6 years. For example, 2 years I bought a truck. I became obsessed with finding the perfect truck. I spent months researching just the right truck and looking at cargurus.com for just exactly what I was looking for. Then I would actually go out and test drive trucks for every weekend. Took me a while to realize this was essentially no different than looking at porn. Mind you I wasn't "getting off" but the same seek, find, reward behavior was alive and well.

This also happened a few years before when I was looking for a house. Same deal. Probably looked at a million houses. I thought I was just being thorough, but really it was just old PMO behavior rearing it's ugly head in a different manner.

Through the years I've become keenly award of these behaviors and worked very hard to get rid of them. It's not always obvious when they're happening, for example I need a phone and start researching phones. Well, do I really need to research phones...probably not. So I'm constantly vigilant in looking for these behaviors as the crop up. All in all, I've been able to squash them. It's incredibly freeing, but again, still no boner-vision.

More recently than those two things, I met a girl who wanted to jump my bones and we started texting back and forth. I want to remind you that this is 5+ years no PMO/MO and things were getting a little hot and heavy. I never let them get to x rated for obvious reasons, but things were certainly going in that direction. Anyway, I found that just that text interaction really spun me up and caused my ears to flush, my heart rate to skyrocket, and honestly gave me a feeling similar to old school PMO use. I want to reiterate, that this was just me and a girl flirting back and forth and was not some x rated how we're going F fest. It was most certainly not that. I also felt, because of how much time has passed, that I need to not completely divorce myself from all sexual talk with real women.

So anyway, more of my story. All thoughts and comments are welcome.

A

[blasto]

Hey, you're story is a tough one. Imho, it might be 100% psychological because in your mind, you are so determined to remove everything PMO that your brain might have associated the real thing with it. My opinion is that you should try and talk with a psychotherapist if you can find one specialized in psychological induced ED that might be even better. In this case, he might know better tactics to rewire your brain because you started so early, rewiring might be harder to do and not only that, might need some special treatment.  I don't know if this might work, but you could give a pill a try, to get it up, this way you get used to the sensations and maybe associate things properly. (I don't know how sound the pill advice is, but who knows).

[Altlcrzy]

So, I've seen shrinks and tried the pill (which works really well by the way) but it's more than just sex. I still feel "flat". The technical term is anhedonia and I've still got it. Again, much better than it used to be, but life is still a little, well flat. For me not being able to have sex is a symptom of the larger problem that through years and years and years of PMO, along with lots of drugs and alcohol, that I did some serious damage to my brain and my nervous system. The symptoms I've had since quitting everything are much more akin to what you might find on the Bezno recovery sites where people have Post Acute Withdrawal (PAWS) for years on end. In those forums you can find plenty of people 5-7 years out still pretty F'd. I seem to be on that trajectory... And while I wish that wasn't the case, it is what it is. I'm here now, and have to accept where I am now. As the time goes by it only hardens my resolve to get through this. I will not let this time I've spent getting over this go to waste by going back. For me, failure is not an option. I get discouraged at times, but again, I will not quit. I will never go back to PMO, drugs, alcohol, video games, etc. My new life, while still not where I want it to be, is so much better than it ever was in the PMO days.

Staying strong,

A

[Fappy]

My new life, while still not where I want it to be, is so much better than it ever was in the PMO days.

Exactly. No matter how hard it gets, always remember that

[Altlcrzy]

Staying Strong!!!!

[ruuddejong]

I just wanted to write that I am fucking impressed with your willpower and strength. I doubt 99% of us on here would be able to stay away for 6 years while maintaining a flatline - we freak out if we have flatline for a month ffs and we start to "test" it with porn and then we are back to PMO.

[DepressedAndOut]

This is not encouraging for me at all. 

How old are you and how much real sexual experience have you had before your PIED occurred? It could be because the neural pathway in your brain associated with sex is not  there or at least it's weak due to lack of experience.


This is my biggest fear, the fact that I'm in my mid-30s and still a virgin (no intimate contact whatsoever with women) means that I don't have a real sexual pathway in my brain which might be the reason I might not recover. I know the brain is malleable, but come on, it's no where near as malleable as during your adolescence.

Also, i apologies for asking this, and you certainly don't have to answer it, how did you ejaculate? (without being too graphic!)

If the ejaculation is outside of the vagina , it could mean that you resembled your PMO days, which means that the pathway associated with ejaculation, is the PMO pathways. Did you rewire one step at a time? (ie, cuddling, kissing first and then maybe after one month you progress to other 'bodily' practices)

[Bilbo Baggins]

Hi man,
Just read your posts, tough story. If you could come up with updates on this, it would be much appreciated. I hope you are well.