Joyful journal

[kopp]

Day 7 without PMO
Last O was with my girlfriend 2 days ago
I've had cravings for the last 3 days.

I went out yesterday. I feel good.

I've seen a (french) video where the guy talks about sexual energy and refocusing it from sex to other things (ie your goals).
You can achieve great things if you focus your energy on it.
It made me understand something : I'm highly focused on sex. I care a lot what girls around me think about me, I look a lot at the girls in bars - sometimes stopping to listen to the people talking to me, being more focused on a stranger' ass. I crave the validation from girls.
I have insecurities about growing old and no longer be able to seduce sexy girls. Those are just negative thoughts that I must stop.
Part of it is because when I was single I used to go to bars to pickup girls, I have a lot of good memories from this and I kinda miss it.
At the moment I'm self conscious about my body because I'm not as good looking as I used to. (went from too skinny to muscular to normal/thin, my body is now soft)

So... let's focus! (on getting my diploma, spending time with friends, and becoming a MUSCLE MACHINE again!)

Hope you're doing well brothers 

[kopp]

Relapsed today, twice :/

Tiredness from going out + no goal for the day + being horny from chaser effect lead to this.
I don't know what to do or think anymore

[kopp]

Hey guys. It's been almost a year.
My life has changed a lot since. I moved to a new city, in a new flat with my girlfriend, I started a freelancing career. I also had my best streak ever, around 140 days. In fact I think I relapsed once or twice somewhere in the middle but I kept going after that. So yeah, almost 140 days.
Since a month I've been running a bit outside every morning + doing a 45 minutes workout after my run. Best habit ever. Just being outside in the morning is awesome for your mental health and I'd recommend it to anyone.

Another excellent habit has been to write my thoughts every morning and every night. It helped me go from depressed to extremely happy in a few months. I love writing so much now. It's like putting all your negative thoughts to the garbage and making room for positive one instead.

I avoided RN because it worked better for me. Just not thinking about all that stuff instead of being active and involved in the nofap community made it easier. For months avoiding porn was easy - I just had no time nor urge to watch porn.

Still, I relapsed recently. I did bad for the last few days. MO'ing for hours a day to avoid solving a difficult situation I'm in. Also I felt anxiety. After 3 years with my girlfriend, and by seeing beautiful girls in the sunny streets every time I'd go out, I started doubting myself. Was I attractive to these girls? Why are there so few girls in my life? It resulted in me talking to girls online and it was stupid. Huge lost of time. Of Energy. Of trust in myself - why was I doing that? There's nothing to gain.

I've kept on using Rescue time, it's been a year and they sent me a frightening stat: I spent 2x more time on Distracting stuff on the internet (Youtube, twitter, random useless stuff...) than on being productive (I code as a living)

Rereading my journal today helped me, I dropped some good insights in there.

I'll repeat it:

The secret to change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on buidling the new.

It has become even more true for me this year. At my peak, I just didn't care at all about porn, I was just focused on living my life, building my career and my body, meeting new interesting people...

Also, the book The Magic of Thinking Big changed my life.


I'm now officially back on track. Thank you guys for everything. You are amazing people, dedicated to bettering themselves, to go through hell will all the hard times it involves. I love you all and you'll forever be my brothers. May you live in peace, meet the women or men you deserve and achieve all your goals and more.

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Glad to hear things went so well for so long!

The secret to change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on buidling the new.

Man^ That is a great quote. I've found when I've been very focused on positive change, self help self improvement etc. has really been the only times I was able to get off PMO. Plus it's such a positive, not just getting off pmo... making life better, enjoying growing.

[kopp]

Hey

Today is... I don't know. I went running outside this morning.
I spent time reading. "The Four Agreements". It's a good book, I had read it a few years ago already and it helped me in the past. It teaches you how you learned wrong stuff about you, how you got limitating beliefs about yourself and how to act now, with 4 easy to understand agreements. I recommend it.

I'm on day 3 of Nofap and day 2 without orgasm.

I'm experiencing anxiety, not too much but still.
I have cravings. For porn and for random stuff. I want dopamine hits. It's hard to work - I want to do everything but work.

I've found when I've been very focused on positive change, self help self improvement etc. has really been the only times I was able to get off PMO. Plus it's such a positive, not just getting off pmo... making life better, enjoying growing.

Yes! Basically I was so busy that I didn't even think about PMO. And it was when I was alone for the first time and had free time that I relapsed.

New belief to instill in my head : I'm a man of high value.

[kopp]

I'm supposed to work. I have a hard time focusing. I'm really craving dopamine hits, I've been reading random articles... It sucks. I have to work, come on man, let's go, let's do it, it's not even that hard... it's stressful yes, but not hard...

[Free-man]

Sorry to hear about your relapse kopp.
It was a long streak man (140 days)
but it seems that you know how to refocus and go for it.
I really like your quote: The secret to change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on buidling the new.
You've got all my support to start again!
Cheers!

[Axel_Libre]

Hey Kopp,

I read your first page of your journal and I found it very inspiring man. Thanks for sharing.

Your right, when you stop, you commit yourself to a lifestyle change, otherwise centering your life around stopping an addiction gives that addiction even more power over you.

I'll read the rest of your journal later.

Stay strong bro

[kopp]

I edged this morning.

It almost always have the same causes:
I went to bed later than usual yesterday, I woke up later, feeling lost and I started using my computer 1 hour and half earlier than usual. (I have a rule of not starting screens before 9, this morning I opened my laptop at 7.30).

I stopped but now my brain is foggy, I'm lazy/lost.

I'll take a cold shower then go to the library to work

I want to be serious about NoFap hardmode so even if I didn't O'ed I'll count this as a relapse. So today is day 0.


I'm glad my journal is inspiring you!

[kopp]

It's been 8 months. I've been struggling with nofap recently.
I've never came close to my 140 days streak. Recently I'm struggling to even go to 5 days.

I had no job for a month and a half, I have too much free time.
My triggers are always the same : boredom, fucking up my sleep pattern, feeling lonely, being doubtful about my masculinity because of the absence of relationship with girls.

I also realized that a lot of sex with my girlfriends makes me crave sex even more and so I want to fap...

I've been with my girlfriend for close to 4 years. It's a wonderful relationship.
My career became crazy, I'm at the top of the Game, I keep making progress and getting paid better.

I've worked out 69 days of the last 78. I took +3kg (6.6lbs), mostly muscle. I got bigger arms, a wider back, a better posture. I got a haircut, I'm handsome.
I've been meditating 74 days of the last 78. Writing every morning.
I've been investing money, keeping my spending low.

I block social networks on my computer, I just installed an app to block websites on my phone also. I blocked the websites that I relapsed to recently.

I'm starting a new job in a week.
I'll workout even more, plan my days better, invest more. Spend more time with my girlfriends, make sure my friends are happy.

I'M A BEAST!

[jhonjordan]

Hi Koop

How good all your progress! Congratulations!

It is the first time that I read your posts and I really appreciate your sincerity, and how you mention various aspects of your life. Those of us who are fighting against this addiction really help us a lot.

I send you a hug! Thank you!

John

[kopp]

Hey John, thank you for your positive energy

So it's been 24 hours since my last relapse. I had a headache this morning, I felt very sad. But I woke early.
The day before I stayed in bed, this morning I got up as soon as the alarm rung. That was a good start. The alarm rung, I felt like turning it off and going to sleep and I asked myself "Are you a man or not? Are you a man?" and then woke up.
I spent time writing. I usually write a few lines every morning. Today I wrote two pages. I started by writing how I felt, which was pretty negative but it allowed me to get rid of all those negative thoughts. I then spent almost a whole page writing why I was someone seductive and attractive. The more I do this the more I believe it and the more it becomes true.

I had a very good back, triceps and shoulders workout yesterday. Everyday I look more and more muscular and athletic. I highly recommend working out to every nofap brother.

I'm starting my new job in 6 days. I feel OK with that. I want to avoid relapsing so I have a lot of energy and no brain fog on my first day.

I'll repeat something really important that I already wrote here: Internet changes our brains.
Thus, not using internet changes our brains back to a better, clearer state.
Internet is something you have to use sparingly, only in order to achieve a goal.

With a heavy internet usage, the neural circuits devoted to thinking deeply, with sustained concentration are weakening or eroding.
This is something I have to work on. I've struggled on focusing lately. I've had too much free time to fill with dumb shit. I want to be able to focus for long hours everyday again.

I'll probably write some more here today, it helps so much

[kopp]

According to TheUnderdog, the founder of yourbrainrebalanced.com, a forum similar to RebootNation, there are 3 fatal mistakes porn addicts often do:

- Using porn to stop feeling bad. You must accept feeling bad, go through it. Process the emotion and find a healthy way to feel better. Do not run away from reality.
- Being hard on yourself every time you relapse. Not everything revolves around your streak. If you go from porn everyday to porn twice a month, you're already successful. You made huge progress, you're doing good.
- Focusing too much on not watching porn. If you're thinking about not watching porn, you're thinking about porn. As long as porn is in your mind, you will have a lot of trouble letting it go.

As he says:

Just forget about porn. Disregard it as an option in your life.

Focus your mind on the stuff that matters. Your family, your dreams, your health, your career.

When urges arise, watch them mindfully. Observe them. Do not react. Do not suppress them. Do not push them away.

Just kindly smile and focus your mind on something else.

Watching porn is not an option. It's not a part of your life anymore.

He also suggests 3 methods to quit your internet addiction:

- Cold Turkey: Just don't turn your computer at all. No more than 5 minutes of using your computer per day.
- Seeing the computer as a tool for working and nothing else: Use it for work only. Any form of online entertainment is not allowed.
- Only before X:XX and after X:XX

I've had success in the past with the Cold Turkey approach. My computer was too old to be usable so it was simple to not use it. I now have a modern, light and fast laptop. And I still need to use it from times to times at least. The ideal for the next days would be to use it 3-4 hours per day learning things that I'll soon need in my new job.
So here comes method two. I'd like to see it as a tool for working and almost nothing else.
Method three also has helped me in the past but is not enough those last days.

So here are my new commitments:
- I'll process my negative emotions instead of watching porn to forget them,
- I'll use my computer only after 9am and before 5.30pm,
- my computer is a tool for work, I won't use it for entertainment anymore

I also use my phone for less than 30 minutes a day. I made a habit out of this. I even use it on grayscale mode.
I just turned my computer to grayscale mode.

One question to ask myself when I'm on the computer: Am I productive or am I distracting myself?

[jhonjordan]

Hi Koop!

I see that your intention is to spend less on the internet and only use the computer to work.

There is something that I would like to tell you about habits, when you want to acquire a habit I think the best thing is to start small. You can have a smaller goal to start, for example, every week use the computer for an hour less.
I have found this method to acquire the habit of exercising. I started doing very little and now I have a very good routine.

Also another important thing is to reward yourself or celebrate whenever you can meet your daily goal since the brain associates this reward with the habit you are trying to develop.

I hope it helps!

[kopp]

@johnjordan you're right! I've also built a good workout routine thanks to the power of habits (working out everyday, even if it's only for 2 minutes).

How do you celebrate? That's something I struggle with.
For today I'll focus on closing the computer at 5.30. I'll also avoid Reboot Nation until tomorrow!
Tomorrow I won't start it before 9am.

Quote from Seek not to be entertained - MrMoneyMustache.com :

I can definitely relate to the desire for activity. I’m incapable of spending more than an hour on the couch or sitting at the beach. During vacations, I have to find physical work projects to keep myself happily occupied. I’ve discovered that even one day of zero productivity is bad for me: if I stop doing things, I stop wanting to do things, and pretty soon I’m just lazing around on the couch or taking 11 am naps. For me, inactivity leads to a depressive boredom.

It doesn’t matter what you enjoy. It matters what’s good for you.

So if your life needs a boost, try giving up something you enjoy, and replacing it with something that improves your life.

Now that I did almost nothing for 2 days in a row I don't even feel like doing stuff anymore. "Depressive boredom" is the thing. I'll go outside for a walk.

[Jeks]

He also suggests 3 methods to quit your internet addiction:

- Cold Turkey: Just don't turn your computer at all. No more than 5 minutes of using your computer per day.
- Seeing the computer as a tool for working and nothing else: Use it for work only. Any form of online entertainment is not allowed.
- Only before X:XX and after X:XX

I myself find that internet has too big of a presence in my life and found these ideas most inspiring. Porn and internet addiction are very close to one another and there is a good chance, that when you find yourself having problems with porn, you also have a problem with internet use to a certain extent.

Much strength on fighting the good fight.

[kopp]

@Jeks I agree 100%! Porn addiction IS an internet addiction! It's all linked to too much dopamine obtained too easily! Porn makes it even worse by linking it to orgasm.

So new decision according to what I read and posted yesterday: I won't spend more than an hour in the couch.

Today it makes 49 hours without relapse. I had little urges this morning.
I again woke up as soon as the alarm rung. I asked myself "Are you a man?" and woke up despite my desire to stay and a little headache.

I started the computer at 8, not 9. Still, it's a progress. I turned it off at 5.30 yesterday, I just checked my phone a bit after my workout.
Also, after waking up I: wrote my thoughts on paper, meditated for 20 minutes, stretched, made 5 minutes workout for shoulders and neck, made a breathing exercise, made a pelvis exercise (in order to learn to control my ejaculation during sex)
Once I'm done writing here I'll go for a 5 minutes cold shower (only cold water!).

The negative point is: I don't know what to do after that. I still feel unmotivated to work / to do anything difficult. I don't have much brain fog anymore but I still have very little willpower. Focusing is hard, I often switch between tabs, open new ones...

Yesterday I went biking with my girlfriend then we had an excellent legs workout. I'm getting stronger and stronger everyday. My body is much better now than it was 2 months ago.

It's been almost an hour that I'm reading and writing on the couch. Time to take a cold shower. Stay strong brothers!

[kopp]

The 5 minutes cold shower (cold only!) was a huge boost to my energy. It was incredible.
I spent more time on the computer than I was supposed to and stayed on the couch far too long because my desk was taken.

The good parts: I had a very good chest and biceps workout, I was focused on working for 2 hours straight this morning, which is something I was struggling with lately! I'm making progress.

An excellent definition of addiction, by Gary Wilson and shared here by DoneAtLast : continued use despite negative consequences.
I kept staying on the computer watching entertaining and useless stuff despite knowing it's not good and hurting my back and my head. I have a severe internet addiction.

Stay strong brothers

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Cold showers are great and so are good workouts! Keep up the good work

[kopp]

Thank you

I woke early and this time I didn't even feel like staying in bed. No more brain fog, no more laziness.
I have a huge energy this morning. I wrote a page on paper, made my small neck + shoulders workout. I'll meditate and stretch and take a cold shower.

I feel much much better.
I don't feel like watching entertaining shit, I WANT to work. I feel a burning desire to do productive things.

I had sex without orgasm last night (my girlfriend had an orgasm, I didn't. I like it this way).

I feel like a beast, I have so much energy, I'm so powerful!

[kopp]

I went out for a walk with my girlfriend and I felt so much energy that we decided to go back home, change, come back for a run.

There's a 1.36km (0.84 miles) "circuit" (road) near us and we've been running through it a lot during quarantine. But I had to stop. After hitting a record, I started feeling hurt and I couldn't run as fast as before. I was sad to run slower and slower. I tried beating my record twice and failed twice by a lot. I stopped running.

This morning I beat my record by... 20 seconds. It's huge. I was running so fast, I was a freaking rocket. I'm a champion guys. You are champions

[quitforeverthenwin2]

You are champion!! Massive congrats on beating that record bro, that's a huge win, keep up the good work!

[kopp]

Thank you man!

Day 4
I went out biking with my girlfriend today. Woke up early but not as early as the two previous days.
I felt lazy, I haven't stretched and meditated yet.
I've wasted most of my morning if front of the computer doing nothing. I read about what's happening in America. So many things wrong on so many levels. I started the computer too early. I'm struggling with my "not before 9 / not after 5.30" rule.
Mood is OK, not as good as yesterday but OK.

Yesterday I also had a good back, triceps and shoulders workout.

I'm doing fine, I should be learning a few things before starting my new job but I don't feel a huge pressure to do it... I'll be fine.

Love you guys

[kopp]

Day 5
Woke up early again. I had sexual thoughts and edged for like 3 minutes this morning.
The situation is under control now. I got up, stretched, made a mini workout... I'll go for a walk listening to a book about nice guy syndrom.

Yesterday I had sex with my girlfriend, without orgasm/ejaculation, which explains why I was so excited waking up.
It's better than ejaculating so I'm ok with that. I'll just try to avoid sex today and I should be fine.

My love life is great. My energy is starting to come back. I'm no longer afraid to have to work soon: I know I'll be fine, I know I can focus now.

I feel like conquering the world

[kopp]

Quote from Gary Wilson, creator of yourbrainonporn.com, about Edging:

Is edging bad?
Yes, in fact it's worse. The reason is simple: instead of achieving orgasm and ending it, you train your brain to be bathing in chemicals for hours. It's the worst thing you can do, bar none. The worst. If you began and realise what you are doing in time, stop or rush to the end. Whatever you do, don't keep the pace. Most of us weren't addicted to PMO, but rather to PEO.

I agree 100% with him. Edging for hours is worst than masturbating for 10 minutes and orgasming.
No more edging!