Joyful journal

[kopp]

It made a long time that I didn't have a hurtful relapse.
I relapsed occasionally, but it wasn't affecting me as much as it did in the past, and it was on less hardcore stuff that it used to : sexy pictures of girls were enough.

I never reached the 90 days nofap goal. Well, my best streak is 75 days. In fact I fapped twice in 90 days. I felt like I was OK now and you probably know what happened next.

Since this I didn't try much, having streaks of 10 - 15 days.
I was on day 15 and started desiring sex again. I phoned my girlfriend and MO'd. I PMO'd the next day. 3 days passed and this morning I did it again.
I fapped 5 days out of the last 42 days.

I still have that bad habit: whenever I relapse, I PMO for hours. I tell myself that I won't orgasm and then, after hours, I do. The error is not to cum in the end, the error is to start masturbating.

I'm kopp, I'm here to stop my internet and virtual sex addiction and here are my rules:
I don't touch my cock, only women do.
I don't edge.
I go outside everyday.
I plan my days.

[Berens]

Good luck Kopp

[kopp]

The following are my personal notes about nofap and internet addiction from reading and watching YBOP, nosurf.org and nofap videos from Seth Alexander:

It will take time and work.
There is no short fix.
With time the habit weakens.

Nofap isn't enough. With Nofap my life is now a blank canvas that I must fill. I must create, I can create everything I want.
I won't relapse if I am productive, exercising, meditating, writing.

This is a lifestyle change, not a temporary habit.

Our brains will physically change and adapt to the habits we perform every single day. As a result our cognitive abilities, personality traits and emotional states can all change depending on our habits.

The Net delivers precisely the kind of sensory and cognitive stimuli - repetitive, intensive, interactive, addictive, that have been shown to result in strong and rapid alterations in brain circuits and functions.

Internet changes our brains.
The neural circuits devoted to thinking deeply, with sustained concentration are weakening or eroding.

You must take action. That's the only thing that makes you a better person. Action is the only antidote.

The goal of rebooting is to discover what you are like without porn in your life.
For me it is to discover what I am like without internet and smartphone addiction in my life.

The rules of rebooting:
No artificial sexual stimulation during your reboot. By artificial we mean pixels, audio and literature. No porn substitutes allowed, such as: surfing pictures on social medias or dating sites, Youtube videos, etc.
If it's not real life, just say 'no'.

Time is the most valuable resource we have.

Reading the news is a bad habit.
I must be creating more and consuming less.

Because of PMO, and screens in general, we are suffering from dopamine desensitization.
After rebooting you will be able to read book for hours, sit silently in meditation and feel motivated for your academic and professional work again.

To conclude, here are my personal mantras:

Action is the only antidote.
Motion creates emotion.
Excellence is a habit.

The secret to change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on building the new.

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Way to go! Glad you are back to quitting, looks like good rules to me. The above post^ is super useful. "motion creates emotion" I am going to aim to use that today and get to work.

[kopp]

Good luck Kopp

Hello my friend.

Way to go! Glad you are back to quitting, looks like good rules to me. The above post^ is super useful. "motion creates emotion" I am going to aim to use that today and get to work.

Hey man, thank you I appreciate. I read your last journal post and I think focusing on helping others is a positive approach, it has helped me in the past. And then I read your first journal post and recognized myself in it: just like you I demeaned the severity of my addiction over the years but it lead to rationalizations and relapses. And just like you the quality of my sex life is great when I abstain from PMO and bad when I do it.

Steps I took towards nofap today:
I installed "DF Tube" extension on my browser, which makes Youtube distractions free: remove the comments, autoplay, recommended videos...
I also installed RescueTime to monitor the time I spend on my computer and stayFocusd where I have a list of 'blocked' websites that I can visit only 10 minutes a day. (it only includes youtube at the time)
I reinstalled K9 to block all porn websites.
I want to have statistics about the time I spend on my screens and then want to set goals to minimize this time.
On my phone I'm using SPACE. I set a goal to not use my phone more than 70mins a day and to not unlock my screen more than 50 times a day.

I'm now using both my computer and smartphone in gray scale mode.

The bad thing is that I feel a lack of motivation to go outside or even to get up from the computer for now.

Edit: went outside for the groceries and to pay my rent. It's sunny, I'm going to either read or write on my balcony.

[kopp]

Day 2.

Hey guys.
Yesterday I did not turn up my phone before 11am. By 11am I had done more things that the previous day. I realized how much I could get done when my brain isn't confused by a device.
But then I turned my phone and computer on and I suddenly made less things.
I felt like I deserved an hour of break, and an hour became 2, and 3, etc.

No porn involved but far too much time wasted.
I went out, worked out, went to bed early and woke up energized (but sad at the same time), overall it wasn't a bad day but still.

I still have this bad habit of eating in front of the computer. I must become comfortable with eating alone without distraction.

I realized something: once the computer or smartphone is up, it becomes the most "interesting" thing to do, in the sense that it is the most "dopamine generating" thing. Turn it down and put it away and you'll be productive (but anxious after a while, in my case). Turn it up and now everything you have to do is less motivating than the device.

The activities I made on my computer were by far the less rewarding ones but still the ones that I wanted to do the most, that generated the most instant pleasure. And once I'm hooked I become lazy about doing what I have to do.

[Stiffy]

You are clearly intelligent and insightful. I’m pulling thought provoking points from your journal and pondering how I might benefit implementing them in my own journey. I have to say that I think you are on to something and I relate a lot with what you are communicating.

Keep going. I’ll be watching.

[kopp]

Thank you Stiff. I'm glad you guys are taking value from my journal. If you ever feel bad, send me a PM.

Day 4. I'm going to bed early, waking up early, I even had a morning wood this morning and I'm proud about that, it didn't happen in a long time.
I've used my phone less yesterday. Also I spent time with a friend. I don't feel much craving for porn, a bit for masturbation, but mostly for spending time on the internet, no matter the activity.

Friday will be my last day at my current work, and we will celebrate this with my colleagues and friends tomorrow night.
I usually relapse when tired and when I have a sudden change in my rythm so there is risk there.

After friday, a whole new adventure will begin...

Some more interesting stuff I read about recovery (credits to TheUnderdog from YourBrainRebalanced) : https://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/my-thoughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post.15558/

You don't focus on quitting porn so you can finally get to live life after you're recovered.

You focus on learning how to live, how to manage your emotions, how to change the way you think and view the world.

You put all your energy into building the life you want.

This will naturally lead your mind away from porn.

Success is measured by how much your life has improved since you started rebooting.

This is important to me as I know I must change the way I think. I've experienced it it in the past and I know it makes a huge difference. I have to do it again.

[Stiffy]

Hey Kopp,

I too am trying to reduce time online/using my phone in general. I came across something called grayscaling your phone. Apparently a big part of our addiction to phones is the casino like effect we get from all the colors and pretty objects we see.

I’ve been using grayscale for 24 hours and it seriously makes the phone experience less of a suck-you-in type of deal.

Grayscale is just a setting on your phone to change the color scheme to black and white shades.

https://lifehacker.com/change-your-screen-to-grayscale-to-combat-phone-addicti-1795821843

I thought you may consider doing this as well so I wanted to share.

Edit: oh and I can imagine porn being much less appealing in grayscale as well. So it would be an extra step one would have to go through to turn the setting off  in order to enjoy PMO.

[Berens]

Thank you for recommending greyscale your phone thing. I have set it greyscale and it hurts my eyes . It will be easier to overcome a habit of surfing internet with it.

[Stiffy]

No problem. I do enjoy some youtube subscriptions so I turn it off to view some things but I am going to keep it that way for the majority of the time. That way I will have an extra hoop to jump through if I want to view porn and it encourages less time browsing random internet/social media pages as well.

Sorry not trying to hijack your journal Kopp. Hope you’re doing well and kicking ass.

Edit: that underdog post you linked to is awesome. Focusing on what you don’t want attracts those very things. Focusing on what you DO want works the same way. I started doing manifestation/law of attraction type of exercises a couple weeks ago and have never felt more positive. I had some strange things happen that seemed to really be manifested by my thoughts as well. It seems that way of thinking is really beneficial and I need to focus more on that. Thanks for sharing that post.

[kopp]

Sorry not trying to hijack your journal Kopp. Hope you’re doing well and kicking ass.

Feel free to share as many tips as you want on my journal!
I started using grayscale on both my phone and my computer (almost 100% of the time on the phone, more like 60% on the computer) and I agree, it's a super tip!

Can you tell me more about the law of attraction exercises you do and how it manifested in your life?

[kopp]

So, I relapsed. (on day 8 )
How it happened: I was out with my colleagues 3 nights in a row because those were my last days at my job. Which made me tired. And I got sick. My right eye is red and burns.
I felt a lot of pain, and due to tiredness I couldn't think clearly. I lacked energy. So I edged for hours then came. I had no reason nor energy to get out of bed.

I'm not mad about it, just a bit sad. I really suffer right now, it will take a few days to heal, and my priority is to heal. I know I wouldn't have relapsed if I wasn't sick.

Not spending much time on my computer will be hard as I don't have much energy to do anything else and can't go out anyway because of my eye (it's highly contagious).

I'll fast for at least a day to see if it can improve my health.

[Stiffy]

For the manifestation stuff, watch this.
https://youtu.be/IGglrntR-9M

[kopp]

Thank you man, I'll watch it today when taking a break.

Day 1 again. I'm fine, woke up early. My phone was off and in the kitchen, which made it easy to not grab it at wake up.
The moment I wake up has always been the most dangerous time for me, the one where I'm most likely to relapse. So putting my phone in the kitchen is a hell of a trick for me.
As I said earlier, once it's turned on, it is the easiest source of dopamine in the place. The later I turn it on, the most productive I am in the day.

I started the day by writing my thoughts on paper. I like it and I'm making a habit out of it. It reminds me of 'gratitude journals' (writing in a journal 2-3 times a week about what is going well in your life).

Today I'm reading about stretching and bodybuilding and I have two goals: to get a stretching routine to do in 15-20mins every morning (done already) and a workout plan to execute 3-4 times a week to get some muscle mass.
I want both to fix my posture and get more muscular.

The subjects I want to work on during the next days: nofap and nosurf / internet and smartphone addictions, life vision, money, alternative lifestyles (entrepreneurship, minimalism...), cryptocurrencies, bodybuilding.

And to conclude, something important I realized towards my smartphone use:
It doesn't matter if I use it 15 minutes or 2 hours in a day. It doesn't bring me more joy. The first good use of it is logistics, meeting friends, organizing future outings. The second is calling my girlfriend and keeping in touch with friends that are far away. The third one is about logistics again: metro and GPS applications, mostly.
And I think I don't need more than 30 minutes a day on those 3 things, except calling my girlfriend that I don't count as smartphone use as my hands are free and my eyes not on the screen.

I'd even say that, beyond a certain point, the more I use it, the less happy I am. Because if I used it for more than a hour in the day, it means I binge watched youtube videos or read stuff that I didn't need. And that's the worst use case of our phones: using them to make time pass faster.

[Berens]

Gratitude journal sounds like a great idea. Keep it up man!

[kopp]

This morning I woke up early, my phone turned off in the kitchen again. I did my stretching routine. It feels good to start the day with some exercice, it gives you energy.
Then I went to the library and borrowed a book about blockchains.

My plan for this afternoon is to finish my book about bodybuilding, establish my workout routine and do a workout. Tonight I want to spend some time cooking and calling my girlfriend.

[Stiffy]

If you’re interested in blockchain, I think now is a very good time to start getting involved. I made most of my money by purchasing a good chunk of ethereum last year in March. Paid off very well. We’re close to the bottom of the long decline of the 2018 bear market. I’d definitely be buying crypto at these prices for a long term hold.

Keep it up.

[kopp]

I agree, I think the prices are attractive right now.

So yesterday I started well but relapsed in the afternoon. Day 1 again.
My situation right now is a bit special, I stopped working last friday so I'm home most of the time.

I'm doing good at the moment, I now know that I must be outside more.

[Stiffy]

I get what you mean. I quit my job in February to start a business and have a lot of down time. It’s tougher than i thought being home all the time. But it’s a great opportunity if we can manage ourselves to focus more on self-improvement and positive things.

I have relapsed many times. When I do I usually feel defeated and miserable. It’s good that you don’t seem to have the same reaction. It usually takes me a couple days or a week to get myself back on track and pull myself out of the bad mental state. When I do I try to remember that this is something that isn’t going to happen over night and I’ve done myself good by avoiding PMO for however long my streak was. If it was a week, two weeks, whatever, I still gave my mind and body a break from the negative influence that is porn. That is a positive and I think cumulatively we will benefit from extended time with less porn usage. Even with relapses we are still on the path provided we don’t give up. That’s the key. They say “progress, not perfection” over and over in the drug rehab programs and support groups that I utilized in the past to get over my heroin and cocaine addiction... and I really think that’s a good philosophy.

Glad to see you back after slipping up. I think a lot of people are ashamed or give up after they don’t make it their first, second, or third attempt. The ones that are successful seem to have at least that one factor in common - they don’t give up.

[kopp]

When I do I usually feel defeated and miserable. It’s good that you don’t seem to have the same reaction.

I do. When I wrote my post I already had a night of sleep and felt better, but after relapsing I experienced suicidal thoughts that I did not have for a long time previous to that and was very depressed.

I relapsed again today.
I was kinda fine, still spending too much time on the computer and phone but overall doing good at least with nofap. I went to a party yesterday, woke up tired today with no plans and thus no motivation to do anything and I relapsed.

This is my worst state since months, stopping working was a good idea for the long run but right now I don't have a real occupation and this doesn't help.
I feel overwhelmed because I have a million of things to do.

I slowly understand that I must be planning my life much more. I should never be in a situation where I don't know what to do for the day.

Stiffy I admire your courage.

[Stiffy]

And I admire yours. This is more difficult to kick than heroin or cocaine if I am being honest. We are both restarting at the same time. Let’s do this. See you here Monday brother. I’m going camping.

[Stiffy]

Hey buddy, how’s it going?

[kopp]

Hey
I'm a bit lost right now.

A member of my family died last week. I went to the funerals etc

I relapsed this morning. I'm stressed because from this afternoon I'll be with my girlfriend for a week. It's stupid to relapse now when all I had to do was to wait a few hours to make love.
Having no job and no stable rhythm of life - few days alone at home, getting to bed early but sometimes going to party all night, then visiting family for funerals, ...

It's hard.
When I'm disciplined I don't relapse but it's hard being disciplined when you're moving so much, so tired everyday.

September has been my worst nofap month this year I think, with 8 PMO and 2 MO already.. August was only 2 PMO.

On the good side: saw a friend yesterday, will be with my girlfriend for the next days, worked like 4 hours yesterday, I had a long talk with my mum, ... lots of positive things.

[kopp]

August: 2 PMO, 29 days clean
September: 8 PMO 2 MO, 22 days clean
I've abstained from fapping 56 days in the last 65 days. I'm currently on day 5.

I have a hard time working those last days, otherwise I'm doing OK. I mean, at least I'm not relapsing.
I worked out yesterday and talked with a friend. Today I see another friend and my girlfriend.
A bad pattern / habit I must break: the more I feel bad, the more I'll isolate myself, etc
Talking to friends help me feel less lonely and motivated again. So: no more staying hours and days without talking to anyone.

Its when I feel the worse that I am the most ashamed and want the less to talk to people (because I don't want them to see me at my worse), but it's also when I need it the most.

I feel good about not relapsing but also feel like I'm wasting my time because I'm not working on my goals and spending time on youtube/internet instead.

I realize more and more that I should treat this not only as porn addiction but rather as internet addiction.