Do Wives Enjoy Their Husband’s Visual Attention?

[WFO]

 

[Fappy]

is the source of your emabrassment that she is morbidly obese?
grossly overweight individuals often have self-esteem issues or suffer from low self confidence. Its important that you discuss these things openly with your wife in a loving way. Shouldnt be too hard after a quarter century of marriage! I doubt its any deep seated issues with you, larger women are usually extremely grateful that anyone finds them attractive.

[malando]

Do you love her? Or are you with her just because you've been with her forever? Religious objection to divorce? Maybe you don't have the courage to leave somebody you're just not into. I suspect you've thought about it. Might be worth considering rather than trying to change somebody for the rest of your life. You just don't sound happy with her. She's probably not that happy with you either. Maybe you should set each other free.

[Gracie]

Whoa guys.   Oddly he asked for a woman's opinion and all of a sudden we are on the bandwagon of encouraging a split and lazy fat woman?   Really? 

First, as we all know porn directly influences a man's opinion of his wife both in and out of bed.  When my husband used, I had to ask for sex!  When I found him out, he said I never wanted sex.  And yet he was not in bed with me and sex, when it happened was just sex.  Not lovemaking.   Mind you looks and actions wise most people think I am 20 years younger than I am. So the lens and brain of porn do not serve the addict well. 

Your wife may have had difficulties with body image when she was younger, she may have been sexually abused or been in a lot of abusive environments.  This overides things from time to time.  If you say you are embarassed about her weight, she knows.  How does a wife overcome her husband's embarassment?  Especially if he is always looking at other women?  I often think of the smarmy song from a movie named Ice Castles.  It talks about looking at our partner, "through the eyes of love".  Try it.  Porn takes away that ability.

Now about her being  uncomfortable with your looking at her in the beginning.  You were someone she sensed was looking at her for sex.  And no not great when you do not know the person.  In fact it can feel damn creepy.   And if she has an abusive past,  the creepy is multiplied.  I would suggest joint counseling.  29 years is a lot to throw away !!  Remember eyes of love.  And by the way, my husband qualifies as obese put on a lot of weight due to porn.  I have walked by his side through his recovery.  He is the love of my life.  Obese or skinny.

[Fappy]

This seems like a case of the woman simply not wanting to accommodate her Mans sexual needs.
I understand the fact that she is horridly obese and this is a massive turn off for most people, but she is the (plus sized ) woman you chose and should stick with her. Through thick and thin, no pun intended.
If she is withholding sex remind her that as an obese woman, she would be extremely hard pressed finding another sexual partner and that she should fulfill her duty as a wife to sexually please you.
Just have an adult discussion about this and ignore the feminist diatribes you may hear in the media or on Facebook or wherever

[malando]

Whoa guys.   Oddly he asked for a woman's opinion and all of a sudden we are on the bandwagon of encouraging a split and lazy fat woman?   Really? 

Quite the opposite, Gracie. I'm actually interested to see if WFO is going to come out and refute what I said. I'm detecting some quite strong resentment in him and I think he's not being honest about it. I think he writes in a concealed disdain for her. He's making it all about her weight and how she should try harder for him and stop embarrassing him, but I wonder how hard he's trying himself - and whether he thinks he might be part of the problem. I was going to try to tease that out of him, but you've upped the stakes now!

So, WFO, do you think you're possibly making this about weight and your sexual requirements, but that there is a whole relationship dynamic that has gone off the rails? Are you a porn addict? Could this be contributing to your feeling of "high standards" regarding physique? Do you think your idea of having a constantly horny wife might also come from porn? Are you embarrassed because you feel like you deserve a wife who resembles the objects of your fantasies in porn? I think you've got to get honest about the whole relationship equation if you want to move forward - not just whether your wife should lose weight. It seems like you are less sympathetic to her than you are frustrated about your needs.

[aquarius25]

Wow!!!! My heart hurts for this poor woman. Sorry but I am going to be bluntly honest, if my husband was embarrassed by me I would be crushed and pissed! Clearly he doesn't have a lot of grace and love. He is focusing on himself, his sexual needs, his desires. Not a lot of care for her, why she is over weight, if she is hurting in some way. Instead he is just objectifying her and other women. Wow! No wonder she isn't putting his needs as a priority, doesn't sounds like she is his priority either! Both people need counseling. Both are hurting. There is room for love, and a lot of work on both sides.
 
Some of the comments on here regarding overweight women are pretty bad. Lots of objectification going on in those comments. How is the reboot going? Objectification really fuels porn addiction. You might want to consider looking at your own progress before you go pouring your addiction opinions of objectification on to someone else. Where is the growth in this discussion? Just sounds like a lot of self centered thinking. Not going to make much progress with that mindset!

[Gracie]

WFO   you said in your first post her obesity was a source of embarassment and frustration to you.  I can tell you mst women can feel that coming from their man.  If I felt my husband was embarassed by me (actually on discovery it was one of his gaslights) I would feel awful it he was gazing at me.  Because to me at that time if he saw me naked he was comparing me to what he apparently preferred.   He knew I was self conscious about my body. 

[Kimba]

Hi WFO  sounds like you and your wife are in a rutt, vicious circle etc... its a hard one but how about trying something different... try to motivate her without criticism, going for walks with a picnic basket, what about bike riding its so important to keep moving as we get older. Get your kids onboard.  I have had to put up with the Porn eyes thing and its really debilitating to our relationship, nothing good comes from negative thoughts, turn your thinking around, see her as the women who gave you two children and sounds like she went through a lot for that to happen, if you can't see her in a better light I to agree to a certain extend to Malando.  Maybe some date nights to get her interested in you or how about just some plain old kindness and attention, yeah I think you may need counselling it can't hurt but be careful what you say, words can't be taken back and as a women I know that we really carry those nasty words with us for a very very long time.  I think 30 years is something to cherish, don't throw it away, Keep working at it ...mayb go with her to do the shopping and buy healthy alternatives, change your habits, Make a Change !!!  Oh and yes I love it if my partner admires me clothed or not, but unfortunately I don't get a lot of that ha ha, to much pixel visuals have made him not as interested in me as I would like...

[malando]

Ok, so you love her, that's good! So, it seems that there are 2 issues: one is that she seemingly can't talk about her issues relating to her body. She may need professional help to make any progress on this. The second issue is that you are having trouble communicating with each other about your lack of intimate life. Your theory that she doesn't want to lose weight may or may not have validity - it's possible, it's not unheard of. But you are going to have to get her talking. I would park the talk about wanting more sex and just put all your energies into trying to understand her better. Just talk a lot to her. Share some vulnerable stuff from your life, encourage her to open up in kind, try to open up the lines of communication until she starts to share something about the root of the problem.

My partner does like it when I compliment her on her figure and appearance, but that's because she's happy with herself. Your wife doesn't like it because she's not happy in herself. You have to try to find a way to get her to speak about it more. And hopefully persuade her to get some therapy so that you can get on a healthier track in your marriage. But I think the first thing you should do is try to see her with as much compassion as you can muster. There might be something in her past that haunts and troubles her. Try not to see what she's doing as a sign of disrespect for you, or disregard for your needs. Even though it seems unfair, she may have no control over what's bothering her and stopping her from making progress. The first thing is to find out what's stopping her, then worry about the solution.

[malando]

With respect, I don't think you can palm this one off to God if you want your relationship to improve. It's something that will only improve if you are willing to get your hands dirty and find out what's eating at your wife. It might be hard, and you might hear some difficult things or deal with some difficult feelings, but it's the only way through such a thing. By saying that you're giving this over to God, you are basically saying that you are relying on God to solve your marital situation - divine intervention as a strategy is a non-starter. Even if you believe such things happen, they can't be relied on. We have to do what we can in the here and now to make our situations better. Even though your wife is making excuses, you can gently but firmly let her know that your marriage needs this. That you can both work it out together, you're there to help her through it. You don't have to be a spectator.

[Emerald Blue]

Looks like I’ve missed a very interesting discussion here.

Women, weight, body image and porn addiction all seem to intersect. Speaking as a genetically very tall/very slim woman I can categorically say that my weight had nothing to do with my partner’s porn addiction. But at the time I believed his porn use, and his lack of sexual interest in me which developed as his porn addiction progressed, was because I was physically and sexually unattractive to him. Over time, I didn’t gain weight, I lost weight when unintentionally and became underweight. It was a symptom of my unhappiness which became depression.

WFO, I have no idea whether your wife knows about the porn addiction or not, but I suspect your wife FEELS your lack of interest and attraction to her. Her weight MAY be a symptom of her unhappiness. She may be turning to food for comfort. She may sense that you are not attracted to her because she is large and feels there is no hope. For all you know she may have TRIED to lose weight but still experienced your lack of interest. And she may have given up trying, because what’s the point? Classic learned helplessness.

On the other hand — maybe a bit counterintuitive — but, she may feel safer in a larger body. She may feel that her fat protects her from the pain she senses she might have to go through if she was to risk getting with you in the way she’d like to. She might want a happy, healthy relationship with you but senses it’s going to mean a lot of pain, and she might find out for sure that maybe you don’t want her, or maybe she might be afraid of the marriage being over. So perhaps it’s safer to protect herself from too much pain. Fat can be a metaphor, it may be her insulation from pain.

In my own personal recovery, I’ve had to do a lot of work on body image and body dysmorphia. Most of the books and podcasts about body image focus on weight and diet culture. Much of it doesn’t “speak to me” in specifics because I’ve never had weight issues, other than becoming underweight towards the latter years of my husband’s porn addiction. (I felt so insignificant I made myself smaller, that’s my metaphor.) But these women, the writers, the activists, the podcasters, they offered me a lifeline, because big or small, we are not, should not, be valued only because of our looks, or size, or shape.

For any woman reading this, and to Mrs WFO especially, respect your body and don’t allow anyone to disrespect it. You are so much more than your appearance. Your body is an instrument, not an ornament.

So, from the body activists, especially those who promote the idea of Health At Every Size, they would say — and I agree — that if your partner doesn’t respect you because they think your body isn’t good enough for them, that you’re too big, too skinny, too fat, too short, too tall, too flat chested, too saggy, too curvy, too muscular, too bony, too hairy, too this or too that … they’d say… don’t change your body, change your man (as in, get a new one). And you know what? There’s something in that. But I’d also use caution and question whether the problem in the relationship really is about “fat” or “weight” and probe a bit deeper.

Going back to the original question, my husband likes my body and I enjoy that he is turned on by my physicality. I also know that it’s me, the person, that he loves, and that’s far more important. Compliments are nice but they aren’t everything. I like it when my husband likes my art, my cooking, or that he shares his enthusiasm in my work or whatever. But turning it around, my husband isn’t as skinny as he was in his youth. He has lines on his face and he’s greying a bit. But I don’t want him to be anyone other than who he is today. I don’t compare him with some young athlete and feel short-changed because he’s not 20 years younger. I’m still very attracted to my husband. He’s handsome, smart and sexy, just as he always has been.

Maybe WFO has left the building, but I see this “weight” thing come up so often and I’ve explored the issue from other perspectives than my own. Recovering addicts, please be kinder to your (potential) partners. Nobody is perfect. I was blessed with what was (for my generation) the tall thin ideal. It wasn’t an “achievement” or anything I worked for. It was the genetic lottery. And it is a guarantee of NOTHING. Yes, I really do mean NOTHING. It didn’t inoculate my husband from porn addiction nor did it protect me from feeling shit about myself. So be kinder everyone. Remember that your body is not an ornament.  It’s your very physical presence on this earth.