Author Topic: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)  (Read 8276 times)

67reboot

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Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« Reply #50 on: October 04, 2018, 11:45:47 AM »
... not sure how much time there is left .... the wife wants nothing more to do with me and is looking to lawyers for a divorce :-(

uncreatedlight

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Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« Reply #51 on: October 04, 2018, 03:15:18 PM »
Have you asked her what she needs from you right now?  Space?  To listen to her?  Try to understand what that is and then give it to her.  If she doesn't know or won't say, I recommend you err on the side that feels most unnatural, which is to give her space and avoid pressure.  If you can do that, you let her know that her happiness is more important to you than yours.  This begins to rebuild trust, and even if it doesn't work, you did what was most noble and sacrificed for someone else.

Begging and heartfelt apologies haven't worked in the past, so I wouldn't expect them to work now.  If you have time, then leave her alone for a while.  I'm assuming you are in the UK.  If so, you have a year or two of separation before official divorce, right?

67reboot

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Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« Reply #52 on: October 16, 2018, 01:18:48 PM »
You are of course correct, it is the space she needs at the moment and not me being a pathetic emotional wreck.

I am trying very hard to keep myself busy and distracted, but its difficult.  Appreciate the feedback, sometimes the brutal truth needs to be told.

Still clean and no PMO

... if anyone is reading this and they have not been caught yet, sort yourself out before you wreck the lives of all those you love!

... there is still hope.

67reboot

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Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« Reply #53 on: November 02, 2018, 04:56:24 AM »
Wow is it a month since my last entry in here? Good news still no porn or chat rooms. I wont lie, I have at times gotten an urge or thought but those are the time’s I usually log on to the “reboot nation” update my blog etc so the more sporadic posts can be only a good thing? Hey, you got to take the positives where you can! Bad news the wife has told me she is starting to date someone else … thought I was going fall apart when she told me, completely devastated.

We are living a weird existence in two homes where the boys split their time oblivious to the issues between the wife and I and are happy. Its all very friendly and amicable   for which I am very grateful. I have to curb my emotions not become a needy emotional wreck (again) for the boys.

I think its about time I gave back to some of the new guys in the forum and start reading and replying and helping where I can. Would not want this on anyone … or their partners!
« Last Edit: November 02, 2018, 05:26:58 AM by 67reboot »

Gracie

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Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« Reply #54 on: November 02, 2018, 01:28:51 PM »
So sorry that your marriage did not make it.   This addiction is so hard on relationships.  It is so hard to work through.  I know that I do not know how I stayed with it and all the work.  We had been married for 27 years.  However, I knew I loved him.  I knew if we were apart, I would still love him.  But, my self esteem and everything else was pretty close to zero.  There are days that it still creeps up on me.  And I still worry.  I still stay vigilant.  This will never sneak up on me and take my sense of self ever again.

He has done evrything I asked and he has worked hard too.  Just don't ever let porn into a relationship again.  You are better than porn. 

uncreatedlight

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Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« Reply #55 on: November 02, 2018, 01:36:01 PM »
Your present is my future.  I suspect my wife is dating someone now or will tell me she's dating someone soon.  I am trying to my best to detach and let go, so it won't hurt as much when I find out the truth with certainty.

Your posts are so difficult for me to read because I can feel the sorrow and struggle in them so deeply.  Keep your sobriety and spirituality front and center.  You will make it through this time.  Keeping you in my prayers.

bob

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Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« Reply #56 on: November 03, 2018, 11:28:56 PM »
Oh 67,

My heart aches when I read your words. I know this will not help but I think you are an amazing person. What you are doing. The strength you are showing. But my heart still aches. I can't imagine your pain.

jthomas

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Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« Reply #57 on: November 04, 2018, 10:09:40 AM »
67reboot, Thank you so much for sharing your story.  It is heart wrenching to say the least.  For what it's worth, I think you're doing a lot of good for anyone who takes the time to read your journal, especially all the detailed self reflection.  Powerful stuff.  I'm taking to heart many things you said and imagine there are other folks with PMO addiction who have as well.   Thank you again for sharing. I truly hope you find peace and happiness in the future. 

J.

67reboot

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Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« Reply #58 on: November 05, 2018, 04:26:49 AM »
Thanks for all your kind words they do mean a lot.

Sex addiction is in the news in the UK today : https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-46073909

I have sent the link (in a nice way I hope) to my wife as she does not believe its a real thing. The science and medical professions are not 100% convinced (slowly changing however) so I can see her reluctance. I guess its easier to keep anger going when I am just an ass-hole rather than someone who had a problem. What I find crushingly sad is that now that I am no longer under the insipid influence of porn / chatroom's  the love I have for my wife is so much more powerful and the only things wrong in our marriage are fixable .. in time .. forgive me just having an emotional morning.

I do hope that some good can come out of my "therapy" and blogging in here, looks like its too late for me and my marriage but others may read these blogs and take heed before to much damage is done.

Sadly for me it was the shock of being caught that woke me up enough to seek help ... wish it had happened a long time ago.

Peace to you too!
« Last Edit: November 05, 2018, 04:44:42 AM by 67reboot »

workinprogressUK

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Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« Reply #59 on: January 24, 2019, 10:47:48 AM »
Hi 67.
I've just read this thread from start to finish. I feel a lot of compassion for you, because our stories are similar in some ways. I also feel deep empathy for your wife and the pain she must have felt. I remember after I was caught as a chatroom user, arguing that "it's only a chatroom. it's not like I had an affair" but my wife didn't see it that way, your wife doesn't, and with the benefit of time and counselling, I no longer see it that way either. It's an emotional betrayal, right? If it's anything like the way my wife felt after discovering my years of porn addiction, your wife no longer knows who the real you is.... she wonders whether your past life together was real or fake... she's afraid... she absolutely cannot trust you and things can never be the same for her again. There's so much pain all round. I can see that you're way beyond the "making a change for the sake of my marriage" thing, into something a lot deeper, which is making yourself a better, honest, reliable person. I massively salute you for that and I hope you continue to see success and growth. It reads like we've been through similar recovery programmes and I hope that I can learn from your experience and use it as a source of motivation. Your story has moved me like none of the others on here, so I'm truly grateful to you for sharing. Reading it has hardened my resolve to change and to stay clean. Thank you again and very best wishes for your continued recovery.

67reboot

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Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« Reply #60 on: October 14, 2020, 05:05:41 AM »
Well here we are ... 2 years after my last post.  Divorce is all done and dusted without too much drama and ex-wife is engaged and living with her new partner.

So why back here? Well there have been some dark times in the past couple of years with a few relapses during the low points including a few "what does it matter any more anyway?" sort of moments but have come back for a re-read of my journal.  to help straighten out a slightly battered moral compass.

I think the darkness and loss of the marriage breakup are behind me now, yes there will be scars there always is but they fade in time. I have the chance now of a new start with a new lady and she deserves the very best of me.

Time to get in shape, mentally and physically ;-)

Best wishes to all in here ...

workinprogressUK

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Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« Reply #61 on: October 14, 2020, 09:07:12 AM »
Wishing you every success.
Hope you found yourself an answer to the "motive" question.

bob

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Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« Reply #62 on: November 15, 2020, 12:13:29 PM »
Wish you the best in your future life as you move forward. Sending your support.