Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)

[bob]

677,

What a heartfelt letter. You are doing an amazing job during this reboot process. I felt your pain and continue to send you strength and support and I hope your wife reconsiders.

Peace

[67reboot]

WEEK EIGHT – Monday

This Monday mornings therapy session was mostly about preventing relapses. Identifying what in me could trigger a return to “my old ways”. Faced with the imminent  move of my wife and family into a rented house what I have to be most careful of is feelings of despair coupled with loneliness and, being base, just being plane horny.  Lonely evenings will be filled with lots of projects, DIY and of course karate. Whether or not I am able to win back my beloved wife is a big unknown but relapsing into my old world would only make things worse, not only would I loose any credibility or respect with my wife but it would also cloud my brain and push me back onto that fog which has been so crippling for so long.

Exhaustion is something I do have to be careful of as this acts like being drunk and can cloud your judgement. Proper exercise and sleep, just basic healthy living.

Depression, Self Pity, Frustration and all those negative emotions associated with “I have lost it all so why should I bother?”  … I have to remember that even if I have lost my wife, I still have two amazing boys that I need to be a role model for.

Drugs and Alcohol, well we all know that booze is a great way of shedding your inhibitions but fortunately I don’t drink much these days and its a long time since I have done any drugs! But drinking alone is something I shall be avoiding.

Letting Up on Discipline, for the foreseeable future I need to be very disciplined in terms of physical and mental fitness, continuing therapy, writing my blog and participating in the forum are all ways to help keep my mind focused and on track, especially in these dark days when there does not seem to be much hope.

Complacency and Cockiness, if , and it seems to be a very big if, I am lucky enough to convince my wife that I am worth yet another chance I need to remember these dark days to ensure that I am never complacent enough to think “just one more” is an ok thing to do.

[67reboot]

WEEK EIGHT – Wednesday

Its a slow week for my blog as things are so busy at work, that’s a good thing but I am working from home this week and this is not where I used to misbehave (usually) .. where are we with the homework?

Neural Pathway Restructuring or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy … https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy thought I had better do some research on what I am being asked to do … seems like there a fair amount of evidence to support it, here is some more reading.  http://reset.me/story/neuroplasticity-the-10-fundamentals-of-rewiring-your-brain/

Reading about how this stuff works and its effectiveness gives me hope and extra resolve.

Homework, Pillar 6 of the Neural Pathway Restructuring. Duration.

I will lengthen the duration of my healthy choices. I will choose wise choices over an extended period of time. I have started to make healthy choices on a daily basis. I will continue to do this but I will extend the days into weeks and weeks into months, the months into years and the years into a lifetime. I alone am responsible for these choices being made. As I lengthen the duration of my choices my confidence will increase and I will heal. From now on I will no longer hold others responsible for my thoughts, my feelings , my actions or my life. I can choose my future and I will do this by making healthy choices for the duration of my life.

.. no summary needed this week, pretty self explanatory. I shall carry on reading these at least 3 times a day. Yes its brain washing by any other name but our brains have already been messed with by porn and need a dam good wash out.
 

[67reboot]

WEEK NINE – Monday

Nine weeks … gosh is it really? Makes it about 13 weeks since I was caught with my pants down.

So what good has come out of that 13 weeks? Well I know my self a lot better, I understand more about the processes of this sort of addictive behaviour. I know I love my wife more than she can ever imagine and would do anything to fix this. I know I am getting better and this is working.

So what’s bad? I doubt that my wife will ever trust me again. Truth is I doubt she will be my wife for very much longer. This week we signed the papers on a rental lease for the family to move into. Been a very hard week to cope with it all and have been close to cracking up all week. Have picked up furniture for the new house too. I need to be strong for my family because they will always be that, they need a home, just wish it was with me.

I am still attending therapy sessions on a Monday and they help be stay grounded for the week. I did ask that my wife attend this weeks session instead of me as my therapist deals with the trauma associated with betrayal of this sort. My wife has not ruled it out, just not ready now.  She already has PTSD from the premature birth of our second son and the subsequent 77 days he spent in hospital (he is perfect in every way now) so I am feeling especially guilty about adding an extra layer of trauma to her life. I have been told in no uncertain terms that this sort of betrayal is very traumatic. 

I think I need to re-write an earlier chapter about the “low point” in all this … the low point in here and now. When I embarked on this process I was genuinely excited and finally dealing with this “issue” I had known it was an issue for some time .. but at the same time it never really floated to the bit of my brain which said “deal with it”. I was sort of getting a handle on it end of last year / begining of this and sexuality between the wife and I was increasing and we were the happiest we had been for ages. Both boys were happy and well and the stress’s of the past two years were starting to wane. Then I had to have that stupid moment of insanity where I was home alone for a couple of hours and no work to do … and bang …. 13  weeks later wife and family on the verge of moving out and I have lost the love and respect of the woman who means everything to me.

This document is called hope, but there is precious little of that at the moment just despair to be honest. I am trying (and failing) to hide my emotions from the wife as it is making her feel uncomfortable.

Still not wanking, cant be bothered to be honest.

[67reboot]

WEEK NINE – Tuesday

Homework time! No specific homework this week! Think the therapist is running out of tasks for me.

Homework, Pillar 7 of the Neural Pathway Restructuring. Intensity.

Intensity has been one of my worst enemies. The more intense a stimulus is the greater the the impact it has upon my brain and body. The negative things I have experienced and chosen to take in have been intense and they have shaped my being. From this point forward I will remember the principle of intensity and I will never willingly allow such an intense and negative experience to come into my life. To allow such a thing , I am making a choice not to recover. Healthy changes can be made without intensity so long as I practice the principles of consistency, frequency and duration.

Again, pretty self explanatory this week

[67reboot]

WEEK NINE – Wednesday

A good evening of healthy choices, out and about walking in the European summer heat to get a football shirt for my boy. Unusually for me a couple of beers in the hotel bar, so dam hot was needed! And then finished off a virtual world in Minecraft for my eldest boy and his friends to play in. All good stuff.

The I get a reminder that the wife is moving out and my little bubble bursts, and I wallow in self pity and despair for a bit. Its like being paralysed I don’t know what to say or do, I literally feel like I am going to be sick. But, I have to keep my mouth shut, pick myself up, smile and carry on. Got no one to blame but myself. All I can do is hope that over the course of the next few months as we live apart that the wife seems something in me worth the effort and risk of give me another chance.

[67reboot]

WEEK TEN

............ wife moved out .... helped pack, move and set up furniture in the the new rental house.

Tried to put a brave face on it for the boys ... but it felt like I was digging my own grave. Put the boys to bed, kissed them good night and cried my eyes out all the way home.

I hate myself so much for what I have done to my wife and family, these are very dark days. Going to have to work very hard now to continue to better myself and do what I can to win my wife back as I do love her so.

Still clean, no porn no porn or chat rooms. The thought of it actually makes me feel sick now to be honest as all I can think about now is the damage done to our lives.

My 2 year old boy now says "mummy house and daddy house"   .... breaks my heart

Neural Pathway Reconstruction homework, Pillar 8 - Commitment

When I started my journey I committed to pay whatever price was necessary in order to get well. To this point I have done that but I recognise this is only the beginning. I commit at this time to continue to pay what ever price is necessary and I will make that commitment every day. As I continue to make that commitment I will continue to become more healthy. Life is worth living and living means more than simply surviving. Living means growing and I have now started the process of growing. I will continue to pay the price of growing and make positive decisions to keep myself safe from relapse.

I think its important to continually re-commit oneself to keeping clean, and if a relapse does occur learn from why it happened and take steps to ensure it does not happen again.

[bob]

I think of you often and hope for the best.

Peace

[67reboot]

WEEK ELEVEN

Thanks Bob, nice to have some kind words of support.

The house is very empty, hate it,

I am away on business again this week so checking in here regularly to ensure I don't drift into any old habits.  Still see the wife a lot and chat a lot via WhatsApp when away but it is at best friendly .. no warmth or the slightest hint of the love we once had.

I have to refrain from blurting out how much I love her and how sorry I am and every opportunity as I am sure she is tired of it and just makes me look sad and pathetic and very unattractive ... even more than a pants down wanker.

On the plus side karate and studies are going much better! Fit body and fit mind and leave my dick alone.

Trying to meditate each night as well, but that usually is a fat fail as I fall asleep part way through .. least I am sleeping better now.

Everyone's story and journey is different, for me this is not a "reboot" of my sexuality its an off switch. No marital sex .... no porn or masturbation ... and no moving on either, I have never had an affair and I am not about to start now ..  I am still married and for me that means for better or worse, in sickness and in health, richer or poorer and forsaking all others (ok we need to update these words for the modern world to include others real or virtual) to death us do part ... or more likely ... divorce.

What ever happens I am sure this process will be good for me in the long term.

every day I wish I could turn back time .... and know then what I know now.

Neural Pathway Reconstruction homework, Pillar 9 – Investment
I now know the importance of avoiding unhealthy stimuli and choices. I will avoid unhealthy choices. I will avoid unhealthy stimuli. My choices to not avoid these things in the past have contributed to my current place in life. From this point on, as I have the desire to act out I will remember my values and my vision of a better life. I will act accordingly and I will avoid all unhealthy stimuli. I will pay whatever physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual and financial price is necessary to avoid this stimuli and get well. I will do this because I am making the investment in one of the most important creations in the universe – me. I would choose to walk a thousand miles many times over before I will allow unhealthy stimuli to come into my life again. I will avoid unhealthy stimuli and I will stay well.

I have not only crashed my life into a brick wall but also that of my beloved wife, who is struggling and battling through this with no one to talk too. Fortunately I think the boys have been shielded from most of the drama as the separation has a cover story of moving out due to the builders. But that can only last so long. If I am ever to get another chance I have to be well, if I ever have a weak moment I think back to the day when she caught me, the mess of our lives its caused and the divergent paths ahead, the unwell path is a lonely path with no family and the well path has only hope. Hope is all I have right now and its the path I choose.

https://www.menprovement.com/stop-fapping-jerking-off-and-jacking-off/

http://rebootblueprint.com/10-powerful-benefits-of-quitting-porn/


 

[aquarius25]

I am so sorry you are hurting. I am praying for you and your wife. I hope she is talking with someone. Life is really hard but just keep going. You have kids that look up to you and depend on you. You are starting to become the person that you want them to see. Keep going. You are doing a great job. Meditation can be hard but is really helpful in digging into your root causes. Try setting an alarm clock and just doing 5-10 mins at a time and then journaling about it. I am so sorry for your hurt and your wife's hurt too. I am still praying that time, and her seeing you start walking in integrity, will help slowly mend the brokenness in both of you and reunite your family. If there is ever anything I can do please feel free to reach out! You have lots of support here!

[67reboot]

WEEK TWELVE

Have spent a few evenings alone in the house and its unbelievably horrid .... away on business this week and was going to spend this evening working on my journal but instead I got called out to work ... so that takes care of keeping me well behaved this evening doesn't it?

My wife no longer wears her wedding ring ... I crumpled inside

Very tired tonight, been some tough stressful days, lonely days. In the past the wife and I would be in constant contact swapping pictures, notes on the day just chatting. Now its very different, I try and sometimes there is a burst of chatter then I can tell she remembers and the one word responses come back … they hurt like hell .. ok … sure … fine … sleep well … There is none of the warmth and love there used to be and each message sting like an arrow.

I will confess I nearly came off the wagon tonight, so lonely, tired, depressed just wanted to get my head out of my current existence to some place else. I got as far as the log on page before I had a “what the f**k you doing moment” …. scared me actually …. so I had a little sleep and here I am confessing my sins, or nearly sins at least.

Home day tomorrow, the wife has been amazing. She goes to “Daddies house” with the boys and dog and I am welcomed home from my travels like I always have done … she is a tough, determined, unforgiving but a lovely woman and the love of my life.

Neural Pathway Reconstruction homework, Pillar 10 – Gratitude
I have now begun to feel free and experienced living with honesty and integrity and for this I feel gratitude. I will allow gratitude to be my guide in my life. My life is better today than it was several months ago when I began this journey and I feel gratitude. I have learned to healthily accept and experience both pain and joy with dignity, and for this I am grateful. This learning has also allowed me to feel more grounded in my day to day life. As I stay grounded I think more clearly and as I think more clearly I make rational choices. As I make rational choices I make the conscious choice to stay healthy. Hence I will continue to feel gratitude. I will find someone or something for which I am grateful, every day. No matter how painful a certain day may be I will find something to express my gratitude for, even if the thing I express gratitude for is the ability to healthily experience pain. Foe the same mechanism that allows me to feel pain also allows me to feel joy. I will feel and express gratitude and I will continue to stay healthy.

I have to confess at the moment gratitude is not high on my feelings list! No .. that’s not correct, I am glad this is all out in the open in our marriage / my life and there is an opportunity to fix it. The price to be paid is very high, it has take a huge toll on my wife and not sure our marriage can take it. But I am committed to doing anything I can to save it. She is worth it, our marriage is worth it.

[Turtle]

   How are you holding up? We are rooting for you.

[bob]

Yes. We all are behind you and hope only the best for you.

Peace

[67reboot]

WEEK 13

Thanks for the works of support .. they do help. Week 13 was last week, I did not log in here at all last week. Was working from home and helping out with the house move with the family into the rental house. Must have been confusing for the boys as there were staying in different houses all the time. But they stayed with me a lot (as did the dog) and the wife came over early to take over as I need to be at my desk for 8am .. Wife has been awesome about this sort of stuff and I saw a lot of the boys last week .. and the wife too.

No idea what the future holds, trying very hard not to show how upset I am as I know she hates that. Fortunately the worst of times are either when I have left the boys at her house and I drive away, guts me every time .. or I wander around our empty home. Everything and I mean everything is a reminder of her or the family and it hurts like hell.

I know she is hurting too, I can see it, I can see the impact this trauma has caused and it makes me sick to the core.

Spent some lovely evening playing on the XBOX with my eldest boy, some precious moments there, my therapist says I should take the positives from each day and be grateful. Well that's one of the positives I will take from last week!

We also had a lovely family picnic on Sunday by the river, in fact was a lovely weekend, some other positives t pack away to keep the therapist happy!

So no mention of porn / chat rooms etc because  kept myself too busy for that garbage. One more week of work then 3 weeks off. Not had 3 weeks off in 20 years, very much looking forward to it.

[67reboot]

WEEK FOURTEEN

Away on business again. This is Tuesday night, Monday was a long hot day in trains, 6 hours across Europe the last 2 hours was 36’C and no A/C … got to the hotel about 9pm and had a couple of much needed beers and an early night. Should not have had the beers really but not going to beat myself up over it. Tonight spent a fair few hours studying and after a bit of blogging going to check out some thing on Netflix. I was going to practice some karate but need to rest a hurting foot!

All really boring and uneventful .. the way I want to keep it!

[uncreatedlight]

My new abode is a rental, and I've got a three year old who asks if he can just stay when I send him to his mom's house. It is absolutely heartbreaking, so reading this struck a chord for me.  I had a full-on affair.  You looked at porn.  This seems like a rather severe reaction on your wife's part.  I hope she will temper it some. 

At the very least, I hope she will appreciate what a massive effort you are making.

[Gracie]

I guess for we wives porn feels like an affair.  Generally speaking the amount of sex we get plummets.  I had sex once a week.  He was having "sex" 5 or mor times a week with whoever was in the movie in his head with penis in hand..  So....how does it not resemble an affair?

[HarveyManfrengensen]

I guess for we wives porn feels like an affair.  Generally speaking the amount of sex we get plummets.  I had sex once a week.  He was having "sex" 5 or mor times a week with whoever was in the movie in his head with penis in hand..  So....how does it not resemble an affair?

Gracie, this really helped me understand more what my wife is going through.  We have been attempting sex about once a week or less for a long time now.  After I told her about my addiction she was very upset.  Now I understand.  She was laying and waiting to get from me the feelings I was getting from porn.  I was choosing it over her.  She feels like I wanted those women, not her.  I feel horrible for causing her to feel this way.  I truly believe I was addicted to that dopamine rush, and I was constantly hitting my brain with dopamine every 15 to 20 minutes by looking at new posts on reddit all day long.  So when it was time to please her, to make her feel wanted, I wasn't getting enough dopamine from a real woman to get aroused, even though I find her extremely attractive.

I am so happy I found out about this addiction and what it does to my body and brain.  I want nothing more than to heal and start making her feel the love that I have for her in the ways she needs and so desperately wants. 

Thank you!

[uncreatedlight]

Gracie,

That sounds incredibly lonely.  I know from experience how hard it can be to cope with a partner who doesn't desire you.  I suppose it all boils down to magnitude and compulsion.  Some people can have an occasional drink, and for others, it dominates their lives.

[Gracie]

Just remember, we as women are taught by our culture, our families, our husbands, looks are important.  We are also told that if our husband uses porn we are:  Too fat, not spicy in the bedroom, too old, too wrinkly, not enough of a sex drive, woman parts affected by childbirth, house not clean etc etc. 

So when porn is used it equals failure on our part.  I seriously thought my husband was having an affair.  I discovered his use.  Boy, what an eye opener.  You can get through this is the good news.  It takes a lot of work and commitment.  If you want to know more, pm me.

[67reboot]

Well hello again ... been a while since I wrote in here, summer holidays came and went I took 3 weeks off hoping to spend some time just being with the wife and trying to mend some wounds. But alas no things have been deteriorating, she has told me bluntly she has no love for me and wants no more part of my life .. apart from me being a father to our boys and as a friend in that journey .. for that I am grateful.

I have had to quit the therapy sessions for financial reasons but they were more of a comfort now than a need, had about 3 months worth maybe more and it helped put all this crap into perspective and started me on this journey. Still off the porn / chat room activity and feel good about that. Family still in tatters and fell like a low life for that, I know my wife's anxieties are hurting her bad, I can see through her brave face and know she is hurting too but the look I get when I reach out to touch her just breaks my heart.

Causing this much hurt to someone you love so much is difficult to live with. If it was not for the boys and if I was 30 years younger I would join the Foreign Legion and just get away from it all ... but I can't ... I have a wife and 2 gorgeous boys to support.

The wife has told her parents, gory details and all I think so that is going to make like "interesting" and I have had to tell mine, have told them its my fault and asked that they remain friends with the wife as my Mum is a fantastic Nanny and when the dust settles on this (however it turns out) she will be needed more than ever!

I have said it before but its worth repeating that the problem with this "problem / addiction / whatever"  is that when you are "in it" you are justifying its very existence which when you are in the clear blue fresh air on the other side seems like a whole load of bullshit and garbage which is why I understand the wife does not think "this" is a real medical problem and that I am just a bad man. May one day she will once the anger and hurt subsides .. maybe ... and maybe then there would be a chance for us to do this marriage lark again .. properly.

I can live in hope.

[uncreatedlight]

You aren't a bad man.  Don't believe those stories for a second.  You are working one day at a time on a very difficult problem.  That takes tremendous courage and love for your wife and two boys.

It is unfortunate that your wife decided to share intimate details about your life with her parents.  Don't let it get to you too much.  Hold your head up high and remember your intrinsic value.  Your compulsions don't eliminate that.

I know how much this hurts.  I am praying for all of you for health and healing.  God's grace is all around us.  We just have to pause for a moment to notice it.

[67reboot]

Thanks for all the messages of support and help, both here and privately. Messages from partners of addicts are always very insightful and i am touched that people actually hang around here to offer help and support to others even after their own situations have improved.

I feel for all those men separated from their loved ones by this insidious addiction, rebooting is like an awakening ... and when you awake you look back into your life seeing the havoc, destruction and waste left in our wake  ... looking back at our heartbroken loved ones who think we don't care, that we don't love and we don't fancy them ... looking back to see the faces of our kids wondering why mummy and daddy are never in the same place together anymore.

I feel for all those loved ones who now know why their sex lives got ruined and think its because we don't fancy them or think they are not sexy or not any good in bed. None of which is of course true. Its no wonder my wife cant stand to look at me any more and thinks our entire marriage was a waste of time. It must be the worst feeling ever felling your marriage was a sham.

The sad thing is that we had a great marriage, a great friendship, great kids and had some wonderful times ... this "addiction" was always there is some shape or form stopping great from becoming awesome. I love the wive totally, always have done and I always will.

Even though I have been clean now for months, I cant prove that to the wife and she does not believe it and I actually think it no longer matters as all she want to do is move on. One part of me says I should do the honourable thing and and just stand aside bit the other part of me wants to try my damnedest to show her that not only have I changed but things could be better than they ever were.

That's a big ask of the wife, not sure I deserve another chance ....

I can live in hope.

[hcm76]

Hello 67reboot

reading your messages is very painful, you are trying hard to overcome an addiction (like me) that is overwhelming strong, and your wife decides to go away and takes the kids away from your life...now, I don't know anything about your relationship (only you know about it) but one thing I can say for sure is that - if a person loves you, I mean, loves you for real, she does not let you down, in this way, when you need her the most. You describe your wife as an angel, that only decided to move out because she caught you having virtual sex in chat room - is she really an angel? A great women would not throw away a great man, a great husband, a great father like you just for a stupid chat session... if she really would be the wonderful women you picture her to be (I am not sure she is....) she would never - never! - ever! - do that to you! Maybe, the sex chats are not the real issue here... maybe you need to reflect more deeply on man-women relationship, and how comes that a wonderful father like you is let in this situation for a stupid, little thing like the chat...

I strongly suggest that you do a bit of research on line, maybe to find out that you are NOT the monster that your wife makes you believe you are and you are NOT the one that is guilty of the end of the marriage... you have your share of responsibility I give you that, but which sane, lovely, great person - leaves an husband and a FATHER! (!!!!) for a stupid chat? Not a great women, not an honorable women, that is for sure!

I suggest you go on youtube and search for "Paul Elam" and "An Ear for Men"... he is a great guy, and he discuss the relationship between women and man, and you can learn a lot from him. You may learn that this is NOT REALLY totally your fault, and you should not spend the rest of your life mourning a relationship with a women that let you down the moment you needed her the most.
I wish you all the best, and I really hope you can overcome this hard moment in your life...

HCM76

[Gracie]

Just an observation here.  67 has said he loves his wife and wants to fight for his marriage.  The operative words being, loves his wife.  How great!!  If one reads, it was not just a chat.  That is all she may have seen, but he admits to the addiction.  Healing from this takes time for both addict and partner.  And hopefull both realize they should be together.   

Hang in there 67.  Time helps!