Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)

[67reboot]

INTRODUCTION:

Why hope?

Because I hope I have not screwed up my marriage, my wife, my kids and my own life ....

About 6 weeks ago my wife caught me wanking off in a cyber chat room, headset on talking dirty to some random woman  ..... now I am staring down the barrel of divorce, loosing my best friend (the wife) and not seeing the kids as often. This is truly the lowest point in my life. But do you know what's totally stupid? The wife caught me about 5 years ago in the same  way doing the same thing ... I was threatened with divorce if I was ever caught again. So I have had my chances ... so why the hell did I not stop? Why the hell am I here now ... and what am I going to do?

About 3 weeks ago I decided I needed some help, I did consider it last time I was caught but thought I could handle it. You know I am not exactly sure when I relapsed back into porn / chat rooms but relapse I did. I doubt the wife will ever believe me when I say "this time is different" so I had to do something .. but where to turn? I managed to find a counsellor not to far away and have had 3 sessions so far and its through here I found  https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ and reboot nation .... its been six weeks so far and not been back to my cyber sex activities. Part of me feels actually relieved I got found out so I can sort my life out ... the other half is struggling with the fact my love of my life is looking for another place to live. Breaking her heart again is going to get some getting over.

It is so scary to realise what I have done to myself over these years .... I feel like I am coming out of some foggy existence into day light ... only to see the wreck I have made of my marriage .... the disconnect that this has had between us ... can it ever be repaired?

The rest of this journal starts from my first week of counselling ... when I first realised I was a porn addict.

WEEK ONE

I have called this document hope, because that’s all I have at the moment, hope that the hurt and harm that I have caused to the person I love the most in the world does not tear us apart. Hope that our beloved boys, still happy and oblivious to all this don’t get caught up in the mess and their futures tarnished. Hope that I can make a better future for all my family by making myself a better person.

There is not much structure to this document, but will follow the “homework” schedule as given to me by my councillor. After week one “I am ready to change” ….  I am ready to change. I have lived the way I have for too long. When I began this journey long ago my choices were just that; choices. Now they have grown into an addiction that controls me to the point that I feel I have no control. This process has affected my thinking, my feelings and my being. Those that I love have also been impacted, some have been devastated.  But now, I am ready for change and I commit to pay whatever price is necessary to accomplish this. I have already seen the power of bad choices from my addiction. Now I employ that same power but for positive choices. I will use the power of positive choice for the purpose of recovery and growth. I will begin the change now and I will recover from my addiction. 

........... Whether or not I shall ever be taken back is another story.

The above paragraph is part of the Neural Pathway Restructuring which I shall be reading to myself and out load thrice daily, the intention is to build up a positive thought pattern in the same way as repetitive movement in karate develops muscle memory.

What started my addiction?

Questionnaire in three sections used by my councillor to categorise my addiction or at least the most influential!

Opportunity Induced Addiction.

1) Early access to pornography? - Not especially so no, at 14 I had a prized copy of Mayfair and I think  a Penthouse .. not even sure where they came from now but that was as strong it got for many a year.

2) Any influences or encouragement from parents or mentors to be sexually active? - Absolutely none what so ever.

3) Has Internet access increased my unwanted sexual behaviours? -  Sure, before easy access to the Internet porn was difficult, embarrassing and costly to access so my exposure to it was “accidental” rather than deliberate i.e. finding a magazine etc. It was not until my mid 30’s when I started internet dating that I was exposed to and consumed more porn.

4) Did I have easy and regular access to sexual partners through work or travel? - Oddly enough no, in my 20’s I was a DJ and got a lot of female attention but was always too busy with the job to take advantage of the opportunities. In the 10 years I was DJ’ing I think I dated 3 girls I met through the job.

5) Have I had the financial resources to pay for sexual behaviours? -  I guess so more so now than ever but have never paid money for any sexual practice.

6) Has it been easy for you to keep my sexual behaviour hidden from others? - Apart from my wife yes, she has a sixth sense for these sort of things.


Attachment Induced Addiction.

1)  Was I separated from parents or other key people in my life whilst growing up? -  My Dad was in the Army and when we returned from Germany to the UK (about 13) he stayed in Germany for a few years returning for holidays etc. By this time my relationship with my Dad had deteriorated to a very low point.

2) Did I experience any significant periods of separation from family? - Only as described above.

3) Did I experience regular threats of separation, abandonment or rejection as a child? - No, not that I am aware of.

4) Did I experience impaired parenting? No, my Mum was a great Mum for the most part and my Dad was a good provider but, with the great gift of hindsight, was emotionally “strangled” and found it hard to express himself. However, he is now making an excellent Granddad!

5) Did I experience neglectful parenting? -  Tough one this, I remember childhood mostly playing alone or with my brother. Don’t have any real memories of parents “interacting / playing” with me etc .. just one or two .. by the time I was in my teens exam selection, tech college choices, university etc were all decisions I had made alone.

6) Did I and the family move home more than average -  Oh yes, as mentioned the “family” was in the Army until I was about 13 … before that I moved house / school every couple of years

Trauma Induced Addiction.

1) Did I experience any physical abuse in childhood? - Got caned at school once and got the leather belt from my Dad once and slapped around the head once …. taken in the context of the era I grew up in I would not consider that to be either abusive or excessive.

2) Did I experience any emotional abuse in childhood? - In family life no, at school yes … from 13 onwards when my family settled in Devon, integrating into the local school was tough. I was bullied and got into fights, was unpleasant but survived it and at 16 when I went to the local tech college life normalised.

3) Did I experiences any sexual abuse in childhood? - No.

4) Have I ever been physically or sexually assaulted? - Sexually no, got beaten up at 19 by a local mobster.

5) Was there any domestic violence in our home? - No.

6) Did I experience any traumatic loss in childhood / adolescence? - No

7) Have I ever witnessed disturbing scenes of violence / brutality / suffering or been in fear of my safety? - No.

Reading this week:

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/doing-what-you-evolved-to-do

WEEK TWO

Its been six weeks now since my wife caught me in the act, wanking online to a nameless person in a chat room. Yes I have been here before, but why is this time different?  I thought about help last time but didn’t .. big mistake. Although I did behave for a while last time I relapsed. Getting some professional help has pointed me in the right direction in terms of support and reading material. Discovering what has been happening inside my head is frightening / enlightening, sickening / depressing but ultimately does give some hope that things are reversible.

Knowing that my PMO (Porn / Masturbation / Orgasm)  habit / addiction had lead me down the path of poor decision making and reduced libido inside my marriage is sickening enough but understanding the hurt its caused my wife is hard to bear at times.  As it stands at the moment we are friends but she still wants to move out. Loosing my best friend and breaking up the family is the toughest thing ever. But I knew this would happen if I got caught again, so why did I not stop earlier? Now that is the question, it would appear to be a defining characteristic of “addiction” where the “want & need” of something outweighs the “known consequences”, couple that with the apparent cognitive “fog” PMO addicts experience is my only excuse. Is this all that this is? Am I trying just to excuse my appalling actions, bad decisions and apparent complete disregard for my wife’s health and well being not to mention my boys? Am I trying to hide behind the label of “addiction”?  I truly hope not, I know I love my wife and boys more than anything in the world and I will pay any price to not only prevent the breakup of my family but also to make things better than they were .. to make my wife happy again.

So what’s next? I have have had my second counselling session and its time for the second pillar of my Neural Pathway Restructuring. - My brain can change.

My brain can change. My brain can be my best friend and it can also be my worst enemy. If I do positive things in my life it is because of the neural circuitry that exists in my brain. If I do negative things in my life it is because of the neural circuity that exists in my brain. Although my brain does not exist in a vacuum, it does work systemically with my body, my emotions and my spirituality. I have allowed my brain to develop an addiction and my brain has taken control over me. Now I am taking the control back. I will form better and healthier neural pathways in my brain. A neural pathway is a network of neurons that are responsible for behaviour throughout my brain and body. Now I take control to develop healthier pathways in my brain and body. As I learn more about my brain I will become more and more in control. My brain is changing even as I read this pillar. My brain can change and I will recover.

Discovering or admitting that I am an addict is a bit like smoking. At first you chuff away happy and oblivious to the consequences then at some stage you want to stop .. and you find you can’t .. you try you fail and you try again. 6 weeks ago I decided that stopping was not enough I needed help to stay stopped and here I am. Stopping all “artificial stimulation”  (in my case porn and chat rooms) actually has a name “rebooting” ( https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/reboot_your_brain ) and I am happy to learn can reverse the negative consequences of PMO addiction … given time. I have now abstained from all forms of masturbation for 6 weeks.

I had initially “dismissed” the idea of putting some form of “porn control” on my laptop, as I could circumvent anything rather quickly. But after reading a lot of accounts of other people going through “rebooting” it became clear that even a few extra minutes of “thinking time” to circumvent controls in place can make all the difference in making the correct choices. Its also making a conscious choice to say “no more” which can have a powerful effect on the subconscious.  I have used OpenDNS on both my home network & laptop to block all porn / chat room activity.

OK this weeks homework …..

Harmful Consequences

What is the risk of the following happening if you are NOT found out?

1. Hurting the people you love? - Confused by the question here, with the fantastic ability of hindsight it is clear that the people I love have been hurt by actions even before I was found out. My addiction has destroyed the intimacy in my marriage.
2. Not Developing a relationship? - Guess this question is more aimed at single addicts, but as in Q1 it seems like it can stunt relationship building inside a marriage too.
3. Spending less time with people you love such as a partner, family, friends? - For me my addiction manifested itself mostly (but not exclusively) when alone away in hotels so this is not really a relevant question.
4. Spending less time on health and fitness, hobbies and personal growth? – Well yes, the plan was always to use my hotel time for study & karate practice … although I had been doing this any time spent with my addiction was detracting from this.
5. Wasting Money? – Never spent money on my addiction.
6. Compromising my work career? – Apart from slowing down my studies not really relevant.
7. Catching a STI? – no relevant in my case.
8. Developing a sexual dysfunction, such as difficulties in getting an erection or going off sex with a partner? - Again with the wonders of hindsight I can now see that this addiction has lowered the sexual drive in my marriage. Which in turn has lead to untold hurt to my wife who thinks I prefer porn / nameless women in chat rooms to her.
9. Damaging my self esteem? – I have wanted to stop many times with increased regularity in recent times. My failure to do so had lead to a depressed state.

What is the risk of the following if you ARE found out?

1. Hurting the people you love? – I knew my wife would be very angry and upset if she found me again doing this. I knew inside how hurt and betrayed she would feel.
2. Loosing your partner? - My wife has told my clearly that I would be divorced is she found me doing this again. She is more than my wife, she is also my best friend and soul mate, so why would a sane person continue?
3. Having less contact with your children? – Our boys are so special …. I knew that in a divorced life I would see them less, this  would be a real risk. We are so close that thinking about it now my actions have been stupidity beyond reason.
4. Loosing your home? – Very real risk … goes with the risk of divorces two homes would be needed.
5. Losing friends? - A lot of friends are related to school life now so if my issues were more widely know I am sure that I would loose a lot of friends and acquaintances.
6. Losing your job? - Have not done anything to make this risk tangible … I think.
7. Reducing your disposable income? - Goes with loosing partner / divorce / home.
8. Damaging your self esteem? - Well …. its very low at the moment not sure what else to say.
9. Wanting to end your life. - Would never contemplate that. Even in a life with divorce as a real prospect I want to be the best Dad I can be.

Rock Bottom

Well this is easy, rock bottom is here and now. My beloved wife despises me, the woman who has loved me more than any one ever has cant even bear the prospect of touching me. She feels like our marriage was a waste of 10 years and regrets being with me. She is planning on moving out and I am faced with loosing my best friend, soul mate, lover and the boys who I adore.  How did this come to pass? Well most of my online masturbation activities happen in hotel rooms when I am away, at home its limited as to be frank during the day I am too busy working but on this day I had just finished jury service, had no work to do and I was alone for about 90 minutes … so I jumped onto my chat room of choice and unusually got chatting to a lady rather quickly. The wife came on home early as she had picked my mum up from the airport, I thought she was going to pick my son up from school first but she dropped my mum off first and dashed in to let me know … and there I was cock in hand headphones on masturbating. Writing and reading this fills me with shame, regret, remorse and  feel rather disgusted with myself. Why of why did I do it.

Triggers

Looking at the list of triggers, these seem to be the most relevant …

Environmental: Being away in a hotel.

Emotional: Bored, stressed, sexually aroused. I can relate to all of these as triggers.

Attachment Related: Getting into an argument with the wife, lonely, overwhelmed. I can relate to these as being triggers.

Trauma Related. Stress and depression have been triggers.

[Emerald Blue]

Speaking as the partner of a porn addict who finally quit after many years I can say that yes, there is hope. My husband either wouldn’t or couldn’t quit. I went through the “if I catch you out again …” threats and nothing changed. It was my failing that I did not put my money where my mouth is. He made it too difficult for me to catch him out again and although I knew he was using porn habitually I gave up trying. I should have been more proactive. I should have been more assertive. I should have enforced my boundaries. But I didn’t, and by giving up and adopting a “there’s nothing I can do” attitude of learned helplessness, his porn addiction progressed. I became depressed and developed all sorts of symptoms as a reaction including disordered eating, low self esteem, body dysmorphia and depression. I’m still affected by some of those issues now, like shadow last lurking in the background.

I say all this because justvas porn addiction can progress, so can the damage it creates in the relationship. Your wife has done absolutely the right thing in drawing her boundaries and sticking to them. Her boundaries are in place to protect HER, from all the pain, heartache and trauma of being in a relationship with a porn addict.

It’s great that you have finally stepped up and chosen to end your behaviours and seek therapy. That’s fantastic. If you are serious about your recovery then your marriage stands a much better chance of surviving.

A few caveats. For you, this is the end of something. For your wife, it’s just the beginning of a long and difficult process of coming to terms with her reality. She’s been deceived. She’s going to question whether the good times you both shared were just an illusion. She’s going to feel betrayed. She may have lost confidence in herself and her sexuality. She’s going to doubt whether she knows you at all All this is normal. (Yes, I mean that). It will feel like hell and back many times over but you’ll both get through this if you stay focused on rebuilding your relationship.

Your wife is going to need support, probably. I’d be surprised if she doesn’t. I recommend Paula Hall’s book for partners of sex addicts (of which porn addiction is a subset although there are obviously some big differences). There is the partner section here, there are podcasts, there are books, and so on. You both need to find what works for you, as individuals and later on as a couple. I would stay clear of couples counselling until later on though.

Yes, your marriage can be saved but it takes two committed people working towards the same goal. It won’t be easy. Hell, no!!! But worth it? Absolutely.

Good luck to you both.

[67reboot]

Thanks for your insight into my wife's position .... thinking about all the hurt I have caused is soul destroying :-(

[67reboot]

WEEK THREE

Well here I am back in a hotel away on business … and NO chat room activity or porn … I got to the hotel late last night, did some karate and started a journal on reboot nation:

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=15488.0

That was all rather time consuming. Must I must confess after what is it now 7 weeks of abstinence a wank was necessary. This does not break the rules of the reboot process it was done with eyes shut, laptop off in the old fashioned way, no artificial stimulation. Apart from the biological relief there is also a physiological one  too that I made it past this hurdle. Think how much more productive my nights away in hotel rooms are going to be? Just hope I will have a wife at the end of all of this …

This weeks homework then …

Letter to myself, to be read in the event of a “relapse” or preferably before hand!

Hey Stupid,,

Oh dear .. if you are reading this that means you have either done something stupid or you are about too.  What has brought this on again? Missing the artificial buzz of a random chat or the endless porn tubes online … that buzz is also what blanks your brain to the fact that your beloved wife is at home wondering what you are up too when you are away …. its not about being caught again, being a wanker destroyed the sexual aspect of your marriage … zapp your brain with enough dopamine again and it will rebuild that wall between you and your wife, halt any closeness you may have been lucky enough to rebuild.

You will regret afterwards, you always did … remember each time would be the last? Remember?

Close your eyes, look into her face, remember the tears, disappointment and loathing of what you have done …. remember how your merest touch disgusted her… if you have  been lucky enough to have been taken back then you had better act now and go revisit your journal, see section “Rock Bottom” .. read it a couple of times! Want to go back there? One thing is for sure you wont get another chance …. think of your boys .. want to see them just at weekends .. every other weekend, do you?

You have the best life ever with the best wife and mum ever, so don’t blow it. Think back at the time you got caught cock in hand …. think about it … what ever has caused you to relapse, or consider relapsing, deal with it. If you are not sure go back to your journal and start from the beginning! 

You are better than this and worked real hard to get here. You have asked once more for people to love and trust you so be the man, husband and father you want to be. Now zip up and stop being a wanker, just one time never worked before and it wont work now!

Regards,  the better half of yourself.



Recognising Cognitive Distortions.

Rationalisation: Making excuses for your behaviour using logic and reason. Telling myself that at least I was not out cruising the bars like I used to do in my single days when I was away on business, being online was being safe, responsible and faithful. Oh dear … sounds so bad typing it out.

Justification: Using excuses to justify your behaviour. Just going online until sex life at home normalises.

Minimisation: Not taking full responsibility for your behaviour, staying in denial. Was only doing it one evening when I was away, ok sometimes 2. Oh and sometimes at home as well but not that often.

Magnifying: Opposite of minimisation so that rather than making light of something, an event or circumstance that is relatively unimportant is given greater status. [Cant think .. will revert back here]

Blame: When someone else is blamed for your behaviour. Sometimes when I and the wife had a big row it fuelled the justification to go online and perpetuated things.  …. of course all I was doing was reducing the time to reconciliation because I was putting emotional distance between us.

Entitlement: This is the kind of thinking that often comes from either grandiosity or from self pity and where you find a reason to deserve this. [Cant think .. will revert back here]

Uniqueness: Similar to entitlement but focusing more on what’s unique about you are your desires. [Cant think .. will revert back here]

Mental Filter: Strategy used to filter out any thoughts that may stop poor choices. Each time a bad choice is made with out negative consequences (perceived ones anyway) then the “stop” message gets lost in the fog of addiction. Need to be always cognisant of the harm being done regardless of whether I am caught or not, only then will the “stop” message prevail.

Victim Stance: Making excuses for your behaviour by putting yourself in the role of victim. [Cant think .. will revert back here]

Normalisation: All men are looking at porn yes? Well I guess a lot do and I guess a lot are doing harm. In my case I went one step further a lot of the time and went to online chat rooms for dirty chat with complete strangers and therefore becoming a virtual cheat to my wife.

Denial: Blocking out reality. I must have been in denial big time, not only in the fact I knew what would happen if I got caught but deep down I knew this was harming our sex life. In the cold light of day now … looking back its hard to fathom what I was thinking.

Helplessness: I cant help doing it, I have no will power, I am an addict. Gosh this is a hard one, not sure here as now I am on this path and the more I learn and understand the more determined I am to quit this …

So here we are week 3 of counselling and week 7 of no porn and chat-rooms and only masturbated once. Just been updating my blog and reading about other peoples journeys on “Reboot Nation” forum which is being helpful in many ways. Its the first thing I do when I get back to the hotel and helps re-enforce a positive mental attitude. The main reason I think I have managed this far without a relapse is the complete sense of despair I am at the moment about the wife planning to leave me, the mere thought of it makes my heart sink, I feel sick and I get far too emotional, but, taking the positive from it it has made drying out easier! One thing I failed to mention earlier is that when I was setting up the porn blocker I got the configuration wrong and my favourite porn page appeared on the screen … and I got a rush …. I paused for what seemed quite a while and then I clicked away. The fact I got a rush frightened me, guess the chemical side of porn addiction is stronger than I thought. Addiction? Bad habit? Poor life choice? What ever it is (hopefully was) it needs to stop and stay stopped. Staying stopped how am I going to do that? Well I willcontinue with the counselling,  doing the homework and writing the journal gives me quite a few “jolts” during the week to keep me on course and hopefully after some months I should be clean enough to stand on my own two feet but I am sure reading this journal from time time would be useful.

Back to the homework and the next pillar in the “Neural Pathway Restructuring”  …

Pillar 3 – Empathy

In the past my actions have not always been empathic. I have hurt those I love, and most of all I have hurt myself. From this moment I commit to live, feel and express empathy is all that I do. I will think of how in the past, my addictive and acting out behaviours have impacted those I love. From this point on. As I am compelled to engage in any form of acting out I will stop and feel how this action would impact those around me and then I will act in an empathic manner. From this point on as I am compelled to engage in any form of acting out, I will identify how this will impact me and I will act in an empathic manner. I will also identify how my behaviours may impact those who do not know me. As I am empathic to others and myself my life will change.


OK not quite the way I would write or say it but yes …. if I ever have an urge to get dirty online again I need to focus on the hurt caused to my wife and the damage caused to our marriage. The more I think about the hurt I can do the less likely I am to make poor choices.

[Emerald Blue]

Hi again

I can see you’re really working hard at beating your porn/chat room compulsion and that you’ve found the right kind of support. I’m so sorry that your wife feels as she does. I’m guessing of course, but it seems to me that she’s still in a state of shock and disbelief. Even though I knew my husband was using porn and struggled to turn a blind eye and pretend it wasn’t hurting me, when I walked in on my husband I had a full on panic attack. It wasn’t that I didn’t know about what he was doing and it wasn’t that I didn’t know what porn is — of course I do — it was encountering the reality of his behaviour that was so distressing. That point wasn’t quite our d day, and not did it stop him continuing his routines and rituals with porn. It was another 6 weeks or so before I told him how much it was hurting me, but that occasion was probably the catalyst that brought about the end of his porn behaviour.

I think it’s fair to say that when one partner is addicted to porn, it obscures a lot of other issues in the relationship. Lack of physical intimacy will eventually result in a lack of emotional intimacy, and that will also create difficulties in communication. Do there will undoubtedly be areas of the relationship that have been neglected. Quitting porn has meant learning a whole new language in communication, and it’s not been easy. We’ve had to have couple’s therapy to learn how to because my husband’s porn addiction has meant that there have been secrets to protect, an identity to protect, and areas of discussion that have been off limits. The skills in maintaining non communication become very ingrained. One question I would ask is whether your wife feels able to raise “difficult” issues related to your acting out behaviours, your sexual relationship as a couple, your feelings and definitions of fidelity, and so on. For example, many partners see chat room communication one-to-one with individuals to be an infidelity whereas viewing a porn video may not be. Certainly some partners, but not all, see viewing porn videos as infidelity. It’s surprising how many couples do not share the same definition of fidelity and even exclusiveness. If your wife sees your chat room participation as being unfaithful to her, this is something that needs to be allowed to be expressed in addition to your own position on if. Also, the longer it’s been going on, the more women you’ve engaged with via online chat, the bigger that magnitude of the betrayal that she needs to come to terms with.

One thing I have to stress is:,be honest. Be truthful. If she asks a question, answer it honestly. The only thing I would beware of is giving too much graphic detail. She doesn’t need to know if the women were fat/thin/busty/younger/older/hairless or whatever, because that will create images in her mind that will be difficult to erase. Answer the question that don’t ask for graphic detail as fully as you can. You did it when you were working away? Say so. Don’t say “now and then” if the truth is every time, or almost every time. If you engaged with the same woman more than once, don’t deny it. If you used porn at home, admit it. She will want to know if you met up with any of the women, whether there were any incidences of physical infidelity, whether you engaged in anything else—the point is, she doesn’t know and her mind will be working overtime. So just be honest. It’s only fair. She needs to know the extent of the problem if the relationship continues. She needs to make an informed decision about her future based on the truth, not lies, not a carefully crafted illusion.

One thing that both of you need to know is that your relationship has changed forever. She has changed forever too. She’s not going to be able to trust in the same way again. She’s going to have to learn a new way of trusting. It’s possible to rebuild trust but that trust will feel different. More mature, more pragmatic, less naive. My husband’s internet porn addiction went on for 15 years and before then it was magazines, videos and visiting strip bars. Obviously there was a financial barrier before the internet made access to porn so easy (and addictive), but the seeds of his addiction were already sown some years previously. Since our d day I have learned so much about porn addiction, and I can accept that I’m in a relationship with someone who was vulnerable to porn addiction, and probably still is. I know what I’m dealing with. I’m not going to let it beat us. So I’d advise your wife to educate herself about porn addiction and related behaviours.

It’s going to be a tough few months ahead. Even a tough year, to be realistic. For both of you. Please carry on with your therapy. You wife may not always be in the same place emotionally she is now. With the right support and information she can move past this awful stage. It’s only been a few weeks. Trust me, that’s a very short time. I hope you can both persevere.

[67reboot]

Thanks Emerald Blue for taking so much time to write a "wife's" perspective its very enlightening!

[67reboot]

WEEK FOUR - Monday

On the road again this week, another 3 nights away and another 3 nights where I have the opportunity to make some “poor choices” but being totally honest, I am feeling so dam rubbish at the moment I don’t have the desire or inclination to fall into my old ways. So, it’s about 8 weeks since I got caught and in that time only had one wank. My counsellor suggests complete abstinence for a period of 100 days to assist in the “reboot” process, well OK then it’s a monk’s life for me. So this Reboot day 7 ... and counting then.

My wife is looking at houses to rent and we told my eldest boy at the weekend that they would be moving out for a period while we have building works done. How I held it together I do not know, my family mean everything to me and the thought of us living apart is killing me, but as the wife keeps telling me, I should have thought of that earlier.

Have got two weeks between counselling sessions due to the public holiday next week so there a lot of things to work on but there is one thing I need to personally explore is why I found it so hard to get “dirty” with the wife? It was through no lack of love lust or desire that’s for sure but more that as my lady wife & mother of my children she put on a pedestal aloof from such slutty attentions .. when in fact one of the first things my wife said to me after I got caught was how she had longed for me to be that dirty with her.  One thing is for sure that if I am ever lucky enough to have another chance of a relationship with my wife I need to work this one through.

[bob]

67,

As someone who has been working trough this process for a while I can tell you I understand your heartache. The pain we cause others when we have taken on this crap is unbelievable. Somehow we think that if we can satisfy the longing just one more time, it will be enough. Well it is never enough.

My thoughts are with you and I hope that you are able to have one more chance. You seem extremely committed and are working hard in the right direction.

It’s not as if we deserve a second chance. It only is our future behavoir that can prove we are worthy.

Peace

[67reboot]

WEEK 4 - Tuesday

Hey thanks for the messages of support, it actually means a lot! This sort of thing is very isolating isn't it, you can't just turn to your mates and say "hey I have been a wanker an ruined my marriage" and in my case my best mate is my wife. Of course it must be so isolating for my wife too as I bet she wants to talk about this to someone as well, I will let her know that there is a partners section, not sure she would want to go there though as this entire subject makes her feel sick.

Well another day away from home but have a company dinner tonight to keep me "amused" but I do have better things to do. I have stated reading "How to Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps" by Lee H.Baucom PHD ... its an easy read (thankfully) and half way through already, yes its all common sense but lets face it, if we were "at one" with common sense we would not be here in the first place right? Who knows how effective it will be but it does "fit" into the reboot / therapy mind set as one of the things suggested as a "must" is that you have to change yourself before you can save / change your marriage .... and in our case that is the mother of all understatements!  Anyhow, replacing "bad choices and bad behaviours" with  "good choices" and "self development" part of the road map to recovery.

 

[Turtle]

  Yes, sometimes it's best to keep things simple. Here's my take on simple - Who do I want to be? Once I have my goals, commit to them, identify with them. Now I'm learning how to undo the thoughts and feelings that come from my addiction; say that's not what I want, not who I am. If I fall down, I'll get up and fight for what I really want.

[bob]

WEEK 4 - Tuesday

its all common sense but lets face it, if we were "at one" with common sense we would not be here in the first place right? ...

 Anyhow, replacing "bad choices and bad behaviours" with  "good choices" and "self development" part of the road map to recovery.

You got that right.

Hope that things go well.

Peace

[Totte]

WEEK 4 - Tuesday

its all common sense but lets face it, if we were "at one" with common sense we would not be here in the first place right? ...

 Anyhow, replacing "bad choices and bad behaviours" with  "good choices" and "self development" part of the road map to recovery.

You got that right.

Hope that things go well.

Peace

Haha how true must agree with you both!
Tom

[67reboot]

WEEK FOUR – Wednesday

Third and final night away from home … I love coming home, kids jumping up and down shouting “Daddy .. Daddy Daddy”, the dog going nuts …. if the wife does move out its going to be another one of those amazing family moments I will miss out on. Nothing I can do about that now, another one of those things I should have thought about before.

OK this weeks homework from my therapist …

Neural Pathway Restructuring - Pillar 4 – Consistency
Consistency is a friend of unhealthy behaviours. It can also be a friend of healthy behaviours. Through consistently engaging in unhealthy thinking and behaviours I have developed a pattern of acting out. This pattern has become a mechanism for coping and so unhealthy patterns have come to control my life. Just as consistency has been my enemy, it can also become my friend. From this point forward I will act consistent with my values and what I believe. I know that with each consistent choice greater learning takes place. As I consistently make healthy choices and avoid acting out, I will move closer to freedom and emotional health. Healthy choices made consistently will facilitate change at a cellular level of my being. As these cellular changes take place my entire physiology is changing and improving. I will act consistently and I will recover.

Lots of big words for saying if you allways make bad choices it becomes normal … but .. the more you make good choices the more normal making that good choice becomes.

Looking at early triggers for porn addiction. I will skip over several sections that don’t seem relevant or stand out. One section that does though is “Adolescent Loneliness”, when I was about 13 my family relocated from army life to a settled civilian life in rural England. With the great gift of hindsight this was not a great move by my parents. Army schools and children are used to frequent moves, new people, making new friends and laid down what I think is my ability to fit in anywhere … apart from rural England … I had 2 or 3 bad years of bullying, fighting and being a social outcast until I was 16 when I went to the local Tech college, at least there life started to normalise. Its was these school years where I became aware I had “Shy Bladder Syndrome” and at its worst I could only pee at home this and being a social outcast meant I was a lonely teen (13 -16) and definitely no hit with the girls!

Identifying the positives of acting out.
I do so love the language of psychology, acting out, or another words “getting off online” Once again I am presented with a long list of “positives” … Excitement … Relaxation are the only two from the list that stand out. Its hard actually to define the positives. As an ex-smoker all I can explain is it is like the feeling when you have gone hours and hours with out a cigarette and you get off the plane there is that anticipation of lighting up very soon. Entering the hotel room for the first time on an away trip there was the same anticipation of opening up the laptop and logging on. I had that feeling this evening when I got in … but I logged onto Reboot Nation instead. The feeling was fainter now but it was there, and it scared me. 


Values.
Next on the homework list “values” .. your values are those principles in your life that you use to derive meaning and fulfilment. They form the foundations of your identity. If those values are consistent, your identity will reflect consistency. If those values are in conflict with one another, your identity will reflect conflict.

Or in plain English, if you are not true to yourself you are going to have a lot of inner angst. But who am I? I am looking at a list of 40 values and have to pick 10 and put them in order! I know for a fact that these values have changed over time and are still changing now. The top 2 have to be “Strengthening my role as a partner & parent”. I want to be the best Dad I can be to my boys, and this desire, want or value has got stronger and stronger over the years. It had a huge jolt with the arrival of our second boy who arrived 3 months early and the fragility of life and how precious it is was made crystal clear. We had to endure seeing doctors and nurses fight for the life of our beloved boy on several occasions. Emotional scars for both my wife and I but also a renewed strength as a farther. As a husband I have been pretty decent as a provider and a friend but sadly lacking in the physical / emotional closeness that I know my wife longed for. The irony is that now as I come out of this fog I find myself wanting nothing more that to be close to my wife and make up for those lost years. I don’t think I will have that opportunity.

The rest of the values list to be frank seems pretty tame in comparison so will save you bother of reading them ;-)

[67reboot]

WEEK FOUR – Thursday

Not in a hotel room today but on the train home. Well I survived another week and was well behaved and made no bad choices so that makes just one wank in er must be 8 weeks? But at least I was thinking about the wife at the time .. I am definitely feeling different but its hard to to put that into any real context. My wife is looking at a house to rent this weekend which is a prospect that fills me complete despair, I have really messed up this time. The irony of it is that I have have never felt so strongly that can make this marriage work. There is not much I can do about that apart from continue to fix my head space and make myself a better person. That’s about all I can write at the moment, don’t want to completely loose it on the train! Not sure when I will be able to write again as next week I am taking the boys to see their grandparents for a few days.

[67reboot]

WEEK FIVE - Friday

Well my balls ache from time to time but apart from that no wanking and no porn / chat rooms still. To be honest still don't feel the inclination. This week is an easy one as I am at my Dad's with my boys ... alone  ... no wife ....

God I miss her, every "look at that" ... "look what son 1 or 2  is doing"  ... for the past 15 years almost every moment of my life has been shared with her, my best friend, soul mate and wife. We video call twice a day and Whats App all the time but she has no interest in me its just the boys .... feeling very out of control at the moment, because I am not. All I can do is work on making myself a better person. The rest is not up to me.

Time for bed ....

[Turtle]

  Have you tried apologizing and begging her to give you one more chance? This worked for me. You could explain what you are doing to make yourself a better man, and partner.
  When I failed before, I never tried to reboot, or realize how my uncritical belief the I needed about eight orgasms a week set me up for failure. I can honestly tell my wife it's different this time! Maybe you can too?
  Has she read your journal here?

[bob]

67,

I wouldn't have her read your journal, I would introduce her to the partners section. Ask her to consider learning more about this thing.... I know it is easy to come up with suggestions. So sorry that she doesn't understand the rewired brain and how it can be changed.

Peace

[mrsturtle]

If 67reboot wants to have a chance in hell to reconcile with his dear wife, (which i'm 100% rooting for btw) she needs to know EVERYTHING about how he plans to pull himself out of P hell and see that he can return to being a real man and attentive, gentle lover to her. First, she would need to want to reconcile and be willing go through her own healing and face all her own horrific hellish feelings. I'm speaking from direct experience of 20+ years of this crap! There is only one way through this nightmare: BRUTAL HONESTY!
Now, for the first time after many failed attempts to quit on his own, Turtle found reboot nation and we have real lovemaking again, now that we have "bitch mistress, Madame Porn" out of our bedroom! Turtle and I have been together so long that we both remember what lovemaking was like before internet P. It was fantastic and we're returning to that now with reboot 34 days in with no O's.
To 67reboot-I only accepted Turtle back because he got down on his hands and knees and begged me to not leave him. When I saw his commitment to a reboot, I could begin to see that it was different this time.
Be honest with your dear wife and do everything to keep your family together. Don't let P win and ruin your family. Its a long beyond painful battle, but you can win. It's worth it. Thank you for sharing your healing journey with us and your well written posts. Share them with the one who means the most to you, your wife.

[67reboot]

WEEK SIX - Tuesday

Thanks for your replies and comments they do mean a lot! Yes I have tried the begging an pleading and meant every word of it until there was nothing in my tear ducts but dust ... trouble is this happened about 6 years ago and although I did quit then for a while I slipped back into bad habits so the dear wife has no reason to believe me or trust me anymore.  I truly did mean to quit 6 years ago and for a while I did. The difference then is that I did not seek out help. Now it is different talking professionally to a Sex Therapist does put things into a the correct context and without her would not have learned about this place.  Writing up this blog  / journal, doing my "homework" from the therapist keeps those "idle fingers" busy doing something constructive and every day of no bad sex (porn / chat rooms / fantasy wanking etc) is helping reset my brains chemistry and help it to stay that way too is the goal.

The wife is desperate to move out and away from me, its heart breaking but I guess no more so that the realisation that the man she married and loved for so long was secretly wanking off chatting to women online and looking at porn. I am not going to try and justify why as there is no logic we all know this .. and some stage we made poor choices and that led to a habit and ultimately an addiction.  The ironic thing is that I have never lusted after the wife more I don't think, never wanted her more and never wanted our marriage to work more. Not just for the kids but for "us"  .... a couple ... a family ... we have a beautiful young family full of fun and joy and the prospect of breaking it up makes me feel ill.

But the wife has no inclination to help me / us "fix" this .. has no desire to be with me and my merest touch makes her cringe with repulsion.

Homework - OK Sex  / IFFY Sex / NOT OK Sex

I was supposed to do this last week but had to discuss with my therapist as was not sure of what was meant. These relate to sexual activities that I have been involved with either alone or with a partner. This list may be a work in progress and may have to be updated over time!

OK = Behaviours that fit with your values and you are completely comfortable with.

  Mutual masturbation
  Sex with partner (lets truncate the list to all acts between consenting adults)

IFFY = Behaviours that you are currently unsure about. Would cause a problem for a partner.

  Solo masturbation - no longer sure if this is ok or not :-(
  Watching porn as a couple - think this may be counter productive moving forward.

NOT OK = Behaviours outside of  your value system.

  Sex with a married woman - prior to my marriage I hasten to add!
  Flirting - It has been made clear to me by my  wife and reinforced by my therapist that my flirtatious behaviour is not ok
  Cyber Sex when in a relationship.
  Viewing porn - although the wife has a lesser problem with this than the "Cyber Sex" thing, the destructive effect on relationships is the same.
  Flirty sexual emails.
  Any act or behaviour that I know the wife would disprove of or be upsetting to her.

[67reboot]

WEEK SIX - Friday

Homework – Why I developed sex addiction

Mmmm now that is the question isn’t it, well I have had a few chats with my therapist and she reads this journal. I am going to deviate from the script a bit here and try and put this into my own words. Yes my adolescent years were a bit lonely (13 -16) and devoid of female company and I was an habitual masturbator, only had two well used and well loved porn magazines to my name for years so can  hardly claim an “addiction” at this point. However, there was a cycle of “no female attention”   leading to too much masturbation (is every day too much?) which suppresses the carnal desire to go out and hunt for a mate and thus a vicious circle is formed. Sounds familiar.

I lost my virginity at 19 when home from University for summer holidays, was an “affair” with an engaged lady at the store I was working at .. only had a couple of encounters with her and was not  romantically significant, just sexual. Back at university  I met the first true love of my life and we spent 2 happy years together before I decided that I was too young to settle and I needed to “see the world” a little … well 2 weeks later I went back on bended knee heart broken but was not taken back. Breaking your own heart is a rough ride and left me very cold and closed emotionally in my 20’s and I had a string of relationships that never materialised for one reason or another but usually ended by me.

Then into my 30’s I became more emotionally responsive but had a few failed romances (now ended by the fairer sex) and found myself in a situation where most of my friend were settled and raising families and my social life became more scant. This is about the time that the internet was becoming more available and I dabbled in “internet dating”  .. Some of the most “fun” sites were more like flirtatious “cyber bars” that serious dating sites and was not long before I had my first “Cyber Sex” encounter … and they became more frequent inter spaced with dates (often comically unsuccessful!) but  I did have 2 long term relationships out of this behaviour including my now wife.

Our relationship had a rocky start, not long after we first met she left me for another man and I went back to the dating site for fun & future meets … but we maintained our friendship and after a period of time she decided that I was the one after all. So when did “cyber sex & porn” become a problem? Well looking back, I think I used it more and more when were were separated for 6 months as she scoped out a potential new location for us to live and we were only together at weekends …. looking back now I can see that “cyber sex / porn” (by this stage porn was on the agenda as well) use during the week was suppressing  my sexuality at the weekends (oh hindsight what a wonderful thing you are) … this is I where I think it started and continued onto when I worked away more and more.

Deep inside I was becoming more aware it was an issue, at times I pulled back and reduced my use but then there would a “event” which pushed back to my safe haven of porn. Young kids etc play havoc with sex lives and I handled it wrong by turning to porn more and more … drawing me in. The irony of it was by late last year I was starting to think it was time to stop and became aware I was having difficulty stopping … but definitely reduced and made inroads in kick starting the sex life with my wife … things had not been this good in a long time … then I had no work to do and home alone for a couple of hours and was feeling  in a very good mood so one more wont hurt right? Wrong … that’s when I caught cock in hand wanking off as I chatted dirty head set on …. and here we are. Staring divorce in the face with complete horror.

[Turtle]

  She's not interested in reconciliation, regardless of what you say?

[67reboot]

Hi,

at this time no, been told she has no feelings for me what so ever and is still actively looking for a house to rent for her and the boys. Nothing I do or say seems to make any difference ...  must confess I am at a very low point at the moment. Still porn free and behaving myself.

Thanks for the support ... 67

[bob]

Oh 67,

Please stay strong.

A logical and easy answer would be to stay strong for her. It seems to makes sense. But I say stay strong for yourself. As an individual struggling with this process, you are the only one that you can control. And if, god forbid, you have to be on your own, you sill need to exist without p.

I hope that reconciliation is in your future. Though not religious, I pray that this is what will happen. I know this is what you want and I am behind you. But you need to take care of you and a pmo free life is the only way you will be able to grow into the man you must become. Ironically, it is what may also turn the tide with your wife. The pmo life displays secrecy, dependency, and weakness. Not particularly desirable  characteristics. A life free of pmo shows strength, integrity, and a sense of purpose that your wife may come to respect.

I hope you can see these comments as heartfelt. It has to be difficult, lonely too. These are times that the desire to "medicate" are the strongest. But we must overcome this.

Peace

[67reboot]

WEEK SEVEN – Monday

Well the good news is that I am still clean of porn and chat room activity and I am well on the road to being a monk with no masturbating either. Not been that easy but not that hard either, trick has been to keep busy and reach for the blog to both give those idle fingers something to do and to give the brain another jolt of reality.

Mondays are my therapy session with my councillor. Today we were discussing last weeks homework and looking at boundaries, what is and is not acceptable. Acceptable to my wife. It was suggested that being friends with “ex partners” may be provocative, I can see how that “could” be the case but I truly don’t believe it is in our case as we both brought “ex partners” with us as friends into our relationship. But I will be examining if I have been “over flirty” in some circumstances .. OK looking back I have been and have to work hard to put a stop to that.

Interesting thought, the longer I embark on monkhood I seem to to “eyeing up” women less not sure if its connected or linked to my depressed state of mind at the moment.

WEEK SEVEN – Tuesday

Late to hotel last night and late again today due to issues at work. Spare time spent playing Minecraft on my phone.

[67reboot]

WEEK SEVEN – Wednesday

Works meal tonight and quite a few strong beers, back to hotel …. checked some nice messages on Reboot Nation then bed. All well behaved.

WEEK SEVEN – Thursday

Thursday is home day. Have helped wife with financial references to rent a house, holding it together in the office has been difficult. The thought of living in a different house to my family makes me feel ill to the core so here I am again writing yet another letter to my wife, why a letter? Because when I try and speak these words it just gets too emotional and messy!

I am sorry yes this is another letter begging and pleading for you to reconsider moving out. I cant and wont stop you and will do everything I can to help as you will always be the mother to our boys and I hope my closest friend. But I can’t stand by and not say anything or at least try rescue our marriage. I am guessing you are in a space where you think you have to go through with it this time after threatening me with this after being caught the last time. But helping me to fix our marriage is not “me winning / you loosing” “me getting away with it again” because there are no winners in a divorce. The core of our relationship is so strong, we work well together, we are great friends and we make an excellent team in life. Sexually we have a problem that’s of my own making and standing back from myself and looking in has not been a pretty place to be and for that I will always be sorry and have immense regret for the years wasted.

So why is this time so different? Why should I be trusted? Never before have I looked so hard and who I am and why and what I am doing and how I got to this place. I know that my therapy sessions and continuing to participate in the “Reboot” program has made a significant difference and is what I should have done last time. Fix this and the only thing not good about our relationship should be fixable.

Please take some time to look back at all the good times we have had, the places we have been, the journey with our boys its has been a roller coaster ride but the majority of it has been good and for the future it could be so much better. Look back through those photos, think of the good times too what we have is so good what we can have can be so much better.

I am not expecting an immediate decision or reversal in the way you think of me but please keep all of this in your mind before the road we are on at the moment has no way back.

I have always loved you and I always will … just wish my actions reflected that more at times. What ever you decide I will be there for you.

Your husband, best friend and lover.