Author Topic: quit for good  (Read 48629 times)

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #625 on: February 22, 2021, 12:04:54 PM »
       
       I'm starting to find myself becoming repetitive   but then  perhaps topics I discuss now  I haven't discussed in my journal in the last year so perhaps they  might seem new to others    If I do get repetitive just let me know.
      I did some reading online  and sort of came to a small conclusion   Basically  the idea of "cause and affect"     In a nutshell  ask yourself  "am i a porn addict because of underlying issues that have never been dealt with?"  or "am I suffering new issues because  I became a porn addict "  I think drawing some conclusions  might help one to be able to better  heal themselves.   For me it was some  past issues that  i had to work through.  Basically a lack of confidence  do to how others treated me when I was younger.  So I researched how to build that confidence and exercise  and healthy living  came up quite often.  So I went with it and actually lost 45 lbs  in 6 months.  I actually never felt better. And to hear the compliments  from  friends family co workers etc. really helped me with my confidence. In turn for a variety of reasons I felt less  urges to go to porn.  Problem is over the last 6 months I have really slipped with my healthy living routine  and again that's for a variety of reasons  that will take some working through work life, family life ,  covid  etc.
 
  Probably a good idea to plan your day around being the kind of person you want to be.  I read a piece on how to kick porn recently and the jist of it was  for some   1st you have to admit that  "your just the kind of guy who surfs lots of porn"   Just kicking the habit is not going to change that statement.  You must become "the kind of guy  who doesn't surf porn"     What does the kind of guy who does not surf porn do with his day.     He exercises.  He learns something new. He helps in his community(up in Canada where we have lots of snow  one might shovel the sidewalk in front of an elderly neighbor's house). Of course he goes to work (can be tough at the moment with our economies the way they are)  But perhaps make a list of things to do that the kind of guy who does not surf porn might do with his time    I did all of the above  and found it really helped   I wanted to define myself as a certain kind of guy.

      This may take some time to find out perhaps what you might be capable of  but part of the fun would be in trying   If you try to learn to use a sewing machine and  totally flop at least you get to laugh about it. If you do learn how to use one  you will be a man above other men for sure.

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joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #626 on: February 23, 2021, 10:52:54 AM »
So anyone have ideas on   what it means to be the "kind of guy who doesn't watch porn"?  Because that's what we are really trying to become.  I want to be the kind of guy  who has "no interest in porn"  "who doesn't think about it"  I want to to think about other things.
  Today I'm going to think about learning to do my taxes.  I bet its not as hard as they make it out to be    I'll let you all know how it works out


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Bilbo Baggins

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #627 on: February 23, 2021, 10:59:35 AM »
I think the whole idea is just to become a healthier person. As addicts, for a long time we have knowingly indulged in habits that were bad for us. I think that’s the main difference between addicts and healthy people: learning to respect yourself and to stay away from what’s bad for you. I feel that for some very healthy people, it’s an instinctive process, they just don’t like what’s bad for them, the same way a kid doesn’t like beer or coffee.

otanerferguson

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #628 on: February 23, 2021, 11:26:36 AM »
As for the "kind of guy who doesn't watch porn" I will nudge you in the way of four books that sort of encouraged me to become a new man in lots of aspects of my life, of which I've been reaping the benefits for years (obviously PIED wasn't one of those aspects, otherwise I wouldn't be here, but you will find them interesting, and those ideas will probably help me weather my reboot more effectively). "The Rise of Superman" by Steven Kotler, "Stealing Fire" by Steven Kotler and Jamie Wheal, "Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise" by Anders Ericsson and Robert Poole, and "So Good They Can't Ignore You: Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for Work You Love" by Cal Newport. It will bring a whole new perspective on learning and becoming better at everything and finding purpose (in a not-so-wishy-washy way).

The differences of opinion  were mostly about whether one was required to tell their partner that they were addicted to porn. They were differences involving other members here. I chose not to.
My wife new I surfed a little porn (and couldn't have cared less)  But she did not know I was a full blown addict.

I can totally relate to that. I was of the mindset, "I can get this fixed and only surprise her with the end product". I even thought I would look weak if I was complaining about this to her. This was when I didn't know of PIED, and was crossing off other possible causes for my ED. I ruled out blood pressure issues, prostate issues, cancer, diabetes, thyroid problems, hormonal imbalances, all without telling her. And so I turned to exercise and getting my testosterone naturally high. And after I did all that, my dick was still limp and so I had nothing to show for it. She didn't know all the effort I was putting into this and from her end it just looked like more time went by with ED episodes and I seemed not to be doing anything about it, which made her self conscious and angry that I didn't address it (in any way).

So this time I chose to come clean. Like your wife, my girlfriend didn't mind me watching porn and was equally surprised that it might be the cause of our problems in bed. I am getting all the support in the world. She is thrilled about this and she is being incredible. It even feels that the reboot has brought us together. But not all women are the same... wait.
« Last Edit: February 23, 2021, 11:52:20 AM by otanerferguson »
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joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #629 on: February 24, 2021, 08:56:40 AM »
Thanks for reading Otaner.    I will def  check out your recommender books.  Always on the lookout for a good read.  I will say that I was lucky and never experienced pied (very lucky it seems)  But porn had stolen so much of my time  and I cant imagine the possibilities  if I hadn't gotten wrapped up in that crap.   My point with the argument over disclosure of the addiction  was based on  the fact that this site  was put together to help people get their 90 days and break the cycle of addiction  but some turned it into a sounding board  for  working on relationship issues.  I am all for including that here but  that is what the partners section is for  or even the general section but no one should be  pushing that issue onto  someone's personal journal. To some they might think I keep bringing this up but I'm only mentioning it now as you are new to my journal

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workinprogressUK

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #630 on: February 25, 2021, 05:12:00 AM »
So anyone have ideas on   what it means to be the "kind of guy who doesn't watch porn"?  Because that's what we are really trying to become.  I want to be the kind of guy  who has "no interest in porn"  "who doesn't think about it"  I want to to think about other things.
  Today I'm going to think about learning to do my taxes.  I bet its not as hard as they make it out to be    I'll let you all know how it works out


     Post often it helps you it helps me

Maybe the "kind of guy who used to watch porn" becomes the "kind of guy who doesn't watch porn", by becoming the "kind of guy who has a life so fulfilled with other stuff that he no longer feels any desire for porn"? That's the way I've tended to see it, although I found it much easier to visualise than to consistently execute. Did some stuff at a rehab clinic that focused on something called a "Life Wheel".... audited my level of happiness with different elements of life (Friends, Family, Personal Growth, Fun & Recreation, Contribution, Relationships, Work, Rest & Relaxation) and then identified actions in each area to improve happiness, giving myself short, mid and long-term goals in each. Made a big difference. Resulted in the first, sustained, period of clean living in my adult life. I'm not saying that this Life Wheel thing is essential for anybody, but it helped me work out the areas of my life that I could make the biggest improvements in, and set plans for getting there. Some successes, some failures and plenty of re-writes, because some of those aspirations proved beyond me. And let's face it, I can hardly boast a spotless record as the "kind of guy who doesn't watch porn", based on the last 8 years trying, but it might be worth considering, and writing this has certainly helped refresh me on the exercise. Good luck continuing to be that guy, JP!

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #631 on: February 25, 2021, 09:50:37 AM »
Yes W.I.P.   I used to just be the "kind of guy that watched porn"

       Now that I am thinking up ways to  even remove that statement  from my life. Basically I would really like to forget that I ever did watch it or at least was "negatively affected" by it. I suppose I don't want it to be apart of my legacy.    I hope I am still young enough to build a decent legacy.  I suppose in a way that was a huge motivating factor in giving up porn. I guess I have this need to be remembered for something after I'm gone someday. Some may think I am being a little self indulgent. Perhaps so. But it certainly is helping me to look forward rather than backward. And that has helped me stay off porn for sure.   The difficulties of life  today (job kids  wife things in society etc.) are sometimes what makes it hard to keep looking forward and with that its easy to look back and of course porn is a reminder. I think if I could work out some of the stress caused by those things again it would be easier to forget  what I used to be.

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escapeandnevercomeback

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #632 on: February 26, 2021, 09:19:17 AM »
Yes W.I.P.   I used to just be the "kind of guy that watched porn"

       Now that I am thinking up ways to  even remove that statement  from my life. Basically I would really like to forget that I ever did watch it or at least was "negatively affected" by it. I suppose I don't want it to be apart of my legacy.    I hope I am still young enough to build a decent legacy.  I suppose in a way that was a huge motivating factor in giving up porn. I guess I have this need to be remembered for something after I'm gone someday. Some may think I am being a little self indulgent. Perhaps so. But it certainly is helping me to look forward rather than backward. And that has helped me stay off porn for sure.   The difficulties of life  today (job kids  wife things in society etc.) are sometimes what makes it hard to keep looking forward and with that its easy to look back and of course porn is a reminder. I think if I could work out some of the stress caused by those things again it would be easier to forget  what I used to be.

    Post often it helps you it helps me

Definitely, man. As an addict, you are "a man who watches porn". Once you quit, you are a "man who doesn't watch porn." But it's very important not to think that now porn can't get you because you are done with it. The brain keeps a memory in there, hidden somewhere, and it will come out like the bear after winter to eat you alive. I even believe that some people have that "certain" type of brain for porn and we must be them. Some people watch and don't have problems. One day they stop (I know a few guys like that). We definitely can't watch and not fuck us up. It's easy to say: "Unfortunately, I can't be that guy who watches porn once in a while, I can't be that guy who is on Facebook and Instagram all day." For some, this sounds like it makes them "normal"; being able to "take a look" sometimes without consequences. But it's actually great we aren't able to watch porn and look at substitutes because those places are fake anyway.
« Last Edit: February 26, 2021, 09:57:03 AM by escapeandnevercomeback »

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #633 on: February 26, 2021, 12:50:22 PM »
Thanks for the your perspective  Escape.

     I know I can never be "that guy who watches porn once in a while".  But I don't want to be him anyway. Not because I think porn is or was bad for me.  I didn't experience pied of relationship issues  or anything like that.  I just lost way to much time and personal growth to it. Decades in fact.   So I don't ever see myself going back to it. I truly believe  that I will build the inner strength to              be protected from it.  There are many pillars that that strength will be built upon.  Education on porn for one.  I just don't like the direction that porn has gone.  Its full of violence and extremes.  Its not based on people making love  and making themselves and others feel good. Its all about control and can not be real.  The industry has run ramped and I just  don't want to be a part of it. I live by the idea you are either a part of the solution or a part of the problem . I wish to be a part of the solution. Another pillar is the example I want to set.  Would I want my children  to know that I take an easy road at stress reduction or escape  from problems. Because  quite frankly running to porn to escape my problems  or stress is not dealing with  it. It's hiding from it  and that solves nothing.  I am taking the time  to  better myself beyond just "counting the days that I am porn free.  I am strengthening  my mind and body.  Eating better  working out a little more you know the drill.  I am learning new things. Today I rebuilt  a couple of fluorescent lights for a flower growing stand for my wife.  I've never done that before.  My mind was on  what I was doing as well as the coming spring and what we would plant this year in the gardens. I want to learn and grow and I am doing that.  There are many pillars  one can build to hold their strengths upon.  It just takes time.  As for social media, I use very little. I have a Facebook account I've had for years and that's it. Don't think I spend more than a half hour a day on it, and  its to communicate with some friends and family who live further away as well as a few interest groups that I belong to.  Musicians  local history etc.

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joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #634 on: February 27, 2021, 11:26:27 AM »
Not too sure what to write these days

    I'll just start by saying "I'm another week clean"  I don't know how many that is because I have lost count  I don't bother with  days at this point   just every Saturday I guess its another week.  I have long reached my 1st goals of  breaking the patterns   understanding the science behind the addiction  finding the tools  to fight it  and so on   I guess that gives me a bit of a topic.   The concept of porn addiction is still quite new and  still not fully understood.  Some claim its not an addiction  but maybe a compulsive behavior.  Tell that to the guys who  no matter how hard they tried to stop themselves  no matter how hard they reasoned  and told themselves its wrong and no good for me  as they were walking to the computer  and typing in the  url's   They could not stop.    Thank God for those who believe in our plight.   With that being said   I am now in unfamiliar territory.   I used to be a porn addict now I'm not.  I'm an ex porn addict.  With alcohol and drugs  etc. there is tons of resources out there for those who fought it and were successful and moved on with their lives  a new person.  Not so much for porn addicts though  Perhaps we almost need a "Mentor" section  for those who have reached that point  to get tips and  advice from someone who has beaten it years ago already.   I don't know.   Thoughts?


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joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #635 on: February 28, 2021, 07:37:52 AM »
This entry is probably meant for any new guys. Now I've noticed the last little while that there are very few new guys that have joined but there are days where their might be 20 or 30 or more non members  on the site and someone has been  looking at my journal so weather you choose to join or not  maybe this might help you in some way

    10 reasons to give up porn  (not in any particular order)

       It wastes your time....   a lot of it    sometimes hours at a time right?
       It sometimes doesn't align with what your real sexual  interests are..... finding yourself looking at gay porn if your straight???
       Your dick might stop working..... this is going to make your partner very unhappy
       Your wife's self esteem might plummet.....  this is pretty self explanatory.
       It not a very well regulated  industry and a lot of people are getting "damaged"..... do you want to support such an industry?
       Your looking at someone else's daughter  or sister or mother or brother etc....  Imagine millions looking at your daughter????
       It might give you "brain fog"....  Its amazing how much more focused I am after giving up porn.
       You will finally get to address some of the underlying issues causing your addiction....get 90 days clean and you can address them       
       It might affect your job..... imagine getting caught at work?  OUCH
       Do you want your legacy to be of that of  nothing more other  than a weak porn addict

     Hope this helps anyone in some small way

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Phineas 808

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #636 on: March 01, 2021, 11:25:22 AM »
This list is definitely helpful, Joe! Even folk who've been around here for a while can benefit, to stay sharp.

One of the most important points you list here is the porn industry itself, and yet the horrors of it go far deeper than being unregulated. It is a system of abuse like no other, and behind much of human trafficking going on in the world, not to mention how it enslaves so many men (and women) into a continuous state of disempowerment. They are profiteering off of our pain, off of our addictive nature, off of helpless (or deceived) women of all ages, who may never regain their dignity back! And we must also mention the porn stars who live drug addicted lives, and often die horrible deaths, mostly from suicide.

Like yourself, you see so many visitors (and so few users) on at any given time, and you wonder why they don't just join. My pet peeve would be all the users who've been around a while, and yet seem to 'drop-off' after their efforts to recover or reboot fail. You know they didn't just leave because they found freedom, but because they feel shame, or embarrassed that others are 'doing it', whereas their efforts failed.

None of our reboots are a perfect straight line, as mine certainly hasn't been. This isn't my first 'lengthy streak' here either... I would encourage others who are 'in the shadows' to engage again, to never give up on changing themselves from these hurtful and harmful habits.

We may at times be limping and battle-weary, but never drop your sword, never stop swinging at this dragon!
My abstinence is currently at 112+days.

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joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #637 on: March 01, 2021, 02:38:27 PM »
Thanks for weighing in Phineas

      Yes the industry  does look a little frightening. It bugs me that one of the largest free porn sites in the world is based in Canada where I live.  They have made the news here in our mainstream  national papers.  Stories describing the dark side of internet porn.  Glad I no longer support the site

   It really does leave a question mark as to what happened to many of the  members here who disappeared  over the last few years I have been here. On occasion I go back and look at their journals  remember their names.  It is very true when you say reboot is not lineal   not a straight line   I actually had way over 90 days  almost 3 years ago  but had to start over at some point.  This time it looks like I have kicked it for good.  In the end I think it was all the reading I did  and watching of videos  on the topic that I finally found enough tools and wisdom to  find this success.    Cheers to your reboot

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joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #638 on: March 01, 2021, 03:37:39 PM »
I'm deciding to put up another entry today    Again  now that I am clean I feel much more confident about certain things.

    I wasn't sure I ever wanted to discuss this topic for a few reasons. One being it might or might not be deemed controversial.

     Along with giving up porn I gave up an on and off habit of "cross dressing"   For some its a normal way of life.  For me I am sure it was a fetish.  A fetish brought on by porn and as a side effect of porn   and perhaps of a side effect or symptom of  all that was broken in my life growing up.  But in then end as soon as porn was gone  so was the cross dressing.  I can't say what a burden  I feel has been lifted off my  shoulders. And It feels even better  to  tell every one here  that it is no longer a part of my life.  Only one other person new about it  and he was into it too   but he was also a part of the problem. But has not been a part of the problem for about 25 years now.  I sometimes wonder if he still does. Id like to think not as he has been married for over 20 years now and quite successful in life.  Both of us did this  when  our lives were  a mess.

    Feeling liberated  again

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Phineas 808

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #639 on: March 02, 2021, 11:23:02 AM »
That's great news to hear, Joe!

Change is possible, no matter what habit, addiction, or the fetishes surrounding them!

That feeling of a weight being lifted off, there's nothing like it!
« Last Edit: March 03, 2021, 10:41:52 AM by Phineas 808 »
My abstinence is currently at 112+days.

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joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #640 on: March 02, 2021, 07:06:01 PM »
Wow  what a great day   It was one of those days where everything just fell into place and nothing went wrong.  I got a lot of stuff done and I cant say as I remember thinking about porn once.  Have a few hours left  think ill have a shower  and some me time

   cheers

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joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #641 on: March 03, 2021, 11:27:31 AM »
Sun is shining its a bit warmer and I seem to be in a good groove these days   getting things done  mind is in the right place   A bit anxious about work  but than I am every year at this time   As a seasonal worker from mid March till Christmas every year  I find there is never a guarantee I will be back.  Something I will have to live with for perhaps another 7 years and I hope to call it a day.  Our own business is growing quite nicely  and if push came to shove on the job front I could  possibly retire sooner  I just dont want to yet
  This is something again that used to be a trigger for me  for porn use  but  not anymore   another improvement I suppose   Its all in the confidence thing and mine has grown slowly.  I just wish it would grow a little more  perhaps in time

    Post often it helps me it helps you 

joepanic

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Re: quit for good
« Reply #642 on: Today at 09:58:09 AM »
Having done some reading of others journals this morning   one struck me as sounding pretty familiar and I basically responded with this. Its pretty much  an idea of a tactic that I used that perhaps anyone  new or seasoned in this fight could use

     I think we all go through those thoughts of "is this really the end of something that has been such a huge part of my life?" .  I have read that all addicts of every sort go through that. Its almost like the concept of being institutionalized.  Like those who spend 30 years in jail  They cant live on the outside.  For me  I think that was one of the toughest things to get past. Over a 3 year period I slowly began to experiment with things that I knew were going to be 100% successful.  Learned to change a shower tap. I learned to create a basic  Excel spreadsheet. As time went on and my confidence grew I attempted  more things.  This gave me something more to think about.  At the same time I began to work on my health.  Lost weight  and learned how the human body works.  I think the key to success is  to be able to replace those old thoughts with new ones.

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you