Author Topic: quit for good  (Read 44819 times)

joepanic

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Re: 53 days now
« Reply #50 on: March 14, 2018, 08:37:02 AM »
Good morning Freeman

                                       I do find i check out others asses far less than I used to  and its come now to wow  that is nice  I no longer think of the things i would do to them.    Yesterday i took the kids to the pool as its march break and  was easily able to control where my eyes were going   I would see a pretty lady   think  wow thats nice  and tell myself   thats someones mom  or wife  smile to myself and easily look away    After all this is a public pool   how can you not see them   I cannot just stop living because of this   but I seem to be rewiring my brain  to tell me  what is acceptable behaviour  these days     Each day gets more easy  and ever so slowly  P is becoming a thing of the past

      Cheers all


                        Post often it helps me it helps you

joepanic

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Re: 53 days now
« Reply #51 on: March 15, 2018, 08:10:37 AM »
Day 84
 
                          No urges these days to view P at all   this is now becoming more an adventure for a new life  and how best to forget about the old one   They say  you forget the past  your bound to repeat it  not in this case though   I would like to forget p even existed   I look back and find even before I quit P   there were sights i went to 10 years ago  I have forgotten the names of    perhaps I can forget the names of the more recent ones   I think the next step for me will be managing the P subs  the things we see on tv  or in the real world (ie  the public pool i was at the other day)    That is a funny one as these people are real  and those are the relationships we want.   All of us say how important it is to get out  and be in the real world with others     get in shape   exc    Well the pool was more than half full of march break moms  with there children   Winning the real battle for me will is being able to be in this environment   and talk to people without triggering an urge    To be able to think   yes she looks nice  and  move beyond that

      On another note coming here  to read and post I am finding just as important today as  almost 3 months ago when I discovered the sight   To be able to be told over and over again  that  there is nothing wrong with me  but everything wrong with p  made me feel better about myself   and to be able to reason it out  and start to thihnk of the problem in a wider sense

      Fight the good fight   and post often  it helps you it helps me

seneca

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Re: 53 days now
« Reply #52 on: March 15, 2018, 09:01:01 AM »
Very good stuff, jp.  Thanks for posting. I agree with you on the psubs.  All of my relapses began with psubs.

joepanic

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Re: 53 days now
« Reply #53 on: March 19, 2018, 10:28:59 AM »
Wow    Day 88     

        In theory 2 days to go to be considered successful in the 1st stage of porn addiction recovery.   The 1st stage for me  is the reboot    just the clearing of the head  and re balance of dopamine  levels and control       Made mad love to the wife again on fri night     She is noticing a difference  in our lovemaking I think as she just seems more relaxed  and open to initiating   I dont know if she is seeing signs in me  of a different attitude     In general  I have become a more calm person  who thinks things through a little more than before  My outlook is  much better these days  and I am more productive  less critical  than before       As for recovery   I still see my share of p subs although this is not something that I actively search out    I may not be as quick to turn away as some  but I wonder if my level of addiction was not as intense as some ..... a touch of brackground    its a 30 year long issue  but I never  used more than once a day  and   nit was not everyday   there were times in the last several years that i went 3 4  5  days without using   and sometimes for as long as 2 weeks    when I did use it was usually at night for as long as 6-7 hours   just searching for the right scene  or the right chat partner    or when I was off work  it  the same thing.
     Also noticing that the p subs  dont get me the way they used to  although it  does  from time to time just pop into my head to go and use  I shut it out very quickly   and i'm back to the new normal     I am telling myself that its the online porn is the problem here  not the waitress that brought our dinner last fri night   or the mom in the pool with her children     before beginning this process of reboot  I would not even go to the pool  for fear it would just trigger me   It took 2 months  before I would   and now I go with the intent of  bettering myself  physically    But p subs  is something that I will for the next little while I will keep on the radar  these are the ones we stumble across everyday.     

         Hope all are doing well in the battles

                         Post often it helps me it helps you
« Last Edit: March 21, 2018, 08:33:59 AM by joepanic »

seneca

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Re: 53 days now
« Reply #54 on: March 20, 2018, 08:51:53 PM »
I’m in the same mode, same history,jp. It’s the pixels. When it’s on line there is something way more lethal about it

joepanic

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Re: 53 days now
« Reply #55 on: March 21, 2018, 08:41:58 AM »
Hey Seneca

                        It is becoming more then just a porn battle for me now   its a different outlook on life    I still don't discuss it with anyone because I don't need anyone being critical  of my choices and deciding that I'm going to tell hem they are wrong   or have them think  "censorship"  We are not here to tell others how to live their lives   but to gain control of our own    Very much like an alcoholic  having to leave behind an old drinking buddy  its all about choices now  and how I will use my new found freedom  energy and free time


            Fight the good fight and post often it helps me it helps you

seneca

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Re: 53 days now
« Reply #56 on: March 21, 2018, 12:25:17 PM »
Jp, “less critical”. That is interesting.  I feel the same on that.  I wonder what that is about. 

joepanic

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Re: 53 days now
« Reply #57 on: March 22, 2018, 08:06:28 AM »
90 DAYS NOW

                                Wow that time went quick   no tube porn  no on my knees for hours stroking  to porn  no endless  jumping from page to page

     What I have experienced was an awakening  to a better life     yes I saw some images   which I chose to look away from  right away   lots of p subs  which I also chose to look way from  or to look at with a different view( see a few of my previous posts for more on that)  its the need to chat  with others  that is still a small struggle  but  I feel far less of a grip on it   and as time went by  it began to become easier   after a month or so I was getting more interested in doing other things   exercising  getting organised   exc  but that is still a very slow process    I am no looking to go he next 90 days with a few other small goals in mind   will keep posing here as in how progress for that goes

         Now  to celebrate  I think I will go out and buy myself a nice lunch and go downtown to the music shop  and get new strings

                                  Fight the good fight and post often it helps me it helps you

Free-man

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Re: 53 days now
« Reply #58 on: March 22, 2018, 11:34:46 AM »
Congratulations Joe!

Fantastic news. Cheers for another 90 days.

seneca

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Re: 53 days now
« Reply #59 on: March 22, 2018, 12:08:36 PM »
Congratulations, brother.  Well done. I like your reward idea.  I’m going to do the same in 28 days, but I’ll be getting myself some new reeds. 
A word of caution from someone who has seen there.  Your brain is different now.  But the grooves are still there.   In 2016 I relapsed at about 100.  I promise you it did not make me happy.

joepanic

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Re: 53 days now
« Reply #60 on: March 22, 2018, 01:18:24 PM »
Thanks to Seneca and Freeman  for tuning in on my progress   its great knowing someone is listening

  Lunch was a really nice treat     Going to be on careful guard for the next couple of weeks   and than I am back to my regular job  and will be super busy   so I am going to do a bunch of the things I used to do years ago that I missed due to hanging out on P sites for hours at a time   I used to find that I would make a plan to go and do something   a day trip to Toronto or Niagara Falls   but would get a quick P fix  "only 15 minutes" I would tell myself  than get on with my day  only to find out that 3 hours had gone by  and now there was no time to do what I wanted  I would find it depressing   and almost hare myself for it     Now I can make these plans with a little more confidence.    I must say  this site has been a big help  in a great many ways    I still think of girls more often than I probably should  and I still do a touch of fantasising  but not near as much as I used to  and not as wild or nasty either   and this is something I plan to do some more research and reading on   to see how healthy or unhealthy it can be  and how it fits in to my recovery/new life    If anything the reading will give me one more thing to do thats not P

      Fight the good fight  and post often it helos me it helps you

seneca

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Re: 53 days now
« Reply #61 on: March 22, 2018, 10:40:01 PM »
Jp, you seem to be writing my life. 15 minutes suddenly becomes three hours.  How I hated it.  This life is so much better. 
I too fantasize about girls a lot.  But it’s not that weird stuff that is stored in a completely different file in my mental hard drive. That used to be The stuff. Now I call that the loser file.

joepanic

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Re: 95 days now
« Reply #62 on: March 26, 2018, 10:43:47 PM »
and tomorrow we begin day 95   its almost midnight and just had a great romp in the sac with the wife   still wish I could last a little longer  but she certainly seemed pleased     I have dropped several subtle  remarks that I have given up porn    She never had a problem with me looking at a little   but never knew how much of a problem it was for me   the hours i spent   the time lost   exc    I am giving the impression that I just want to take my life in another direction and am persuing music much more than before and  just happen to want to practice as much as I can   Practice was always an issue for me as I didnt have the time(so much going on in our house with family kids work exc) and a space where I wouldnt disturb  everyone   now I have found that space   and def have found the time between giving up P and  pushing her a little to help manage time in our family a little more    She see's the def happiness I am going through  and believes its because we managed to shift the schedules and find the spot for me to work ( a fair amount of the time issue is he giving up P    But I suppose  i went to P because I could not practice    sort of a viscious  circle  kind of thing    But in the meantime  several problems solved  for sure

     Another big milestone is I know longer poke around sights looking for chat partners   I dont feel the need to anymore  As it turns out for so long I wasnt even finding any   just looking over and over with hope of finding one    I think the reboot has cleared my mind of the need to do this     Feeling even better about that   I think as a side not I'll just count the days I am free of that too    kind of an added bonus    I am seeting the goal of 150 days as my next celebration to go out and treat myelf to lunch and  and afternoon in Toronto or something    Maybe buy another Rush  record on vinyl to add to the collection   we'll see

    in the meantime   hope all are well and Post often it helps me it helps you 

seneca

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Re: 95 days now
« Reply #63 on: March 26, 2018, 11:56:47 PM »
Very good stuff, jp.. it’s great to hear the improvement in the quality of your life.  Better home life.  Progress with your music.  Very inspiring.

ralenty

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Re: 95 days now
« Reply #64 on: March 27, 2018, 02:59:15 AM »
....I also think that your story is very inspiring joepanic. Specially how you created the space for practicing your music....I think that I´ll try something of that sort with sports....keep it up jp....and congrats.........

joepanic

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Re: 95 days now
« Reply #65 on: March 28, 2018, 08:31:37 AM »
96 days   and feeling pretty good

                        I dont so much as have urges these days   although I wake up with a lot of morning wood and tend to want to fantasise   a lot    strangely enough  it is not leading to P which I am grateful for   I  tell myself  morally its probably not the worst  [thing to do  but as a recovering addict  I must  be on careful guard at all times       On a personal opinion I do not find a great deal immoral about P   but the problem lies in the over abundance and how much we are pushed into it  by advertising  and lure pages  and so on.    Getting philosophical  about it  in order to help ourselves and each other and even those we dont know  we must start to fight back  and say  its not acceptable to put out all this stuff for kids to see and get hooked on  "for free"   and get back to  getting our kids interested in other things  and making them more accessible "for free"   I know this is bordering on  religious  and  censorship  but free speech and expression can still be kept in place   but controlling porn  to keep it out of  kids hands  is not infringing on ones freedoms    Alcohol is legal  but we dont feed it to 11 year olds for free and unsupervised   So this is kind of my rant for the day     I'm actually starting to look online for other groups  where there might be discussions in my city of people needing help or advise    I know I'm only 3 months in  and in no way  in a position to say  I am victorious   but its something  i think I might be interested in in the future   I certainly wont be doing any public speaking but I f I can in some small way motivate someone else   especially in my own city  to break free of this  I'll  be a pretty happy guy       Now  off to play some  notes  nd rhythms


      Fight the good fight and post often it helps me it helps you

joepanic

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Re: 95 days now
« Reply #66 on: April 02, 2018, 02:00:19 PM »
100 days now      I must admit it was a difficult couple of days   well really only 1 night where i drew into  a singles page   but never went to anything beyond that   not really even chatting with anyone   just the thoughts were still there     It tells me to still be on my guard     So in 100 days  I have m.o. 4 times poked around  the singles page 3 times  and seen a few p subs on and off   but never once pmo  or outright p   I am extremely happy with my progress  and what I have learned the last 3 months   I have broken the hold p had on me  and now the fight turns to taking my life in the direction I wanted it to go all along   I will keep you all posted  as well as read your struggles and victories   and try to leave my thoughts there too

        Fight the good fight and post often it helps me it helps you

ralenty

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Re: 95 days now
« Reply #67 on: April 09, 2018, 04:19:20 AM »
Congrats man.....you made 100 days....although as you say you need to be careful, you certainly achieve a great victory, enjoy it

joepanic

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Re: 95 days now
« Reply #68 on: April 12, 2018, 09:21:22 AM »
Wow  10 days of not being here and I can really feel the difference    The old thoughts creep up more easily   I'm glad to say I have not surfed any P   and I have m twice.   My real problem now as discussed a few weeks back is the  crusing  on craigslist looking for chat partners and connections   I must work harder on this  as it should not be something I need  In all honousty  I think the weather is getting me down  its cold raining miserable here  I am stuck in the house  too much   Our house is a very busy place with 5 children  so its hard o find a time or space to work on music   exc   I noticed that much of sites like craigslist personals  and backpage  have been shut down due to GOVT  law changes at he moment   weather I agree or disagree with it  i suppose it helps me in some small way   If they did the same in Canada it would really help me   although I should aspire to be stronger   So I am going to start a 2nd counter today to stay away from seeking chat partners/connections exc   As so much as its not P  its  a time sucker   and I want that time for other endeavors   I'm going to also try getting back here everyday

      I'm also back to "looking back on my life and groaning about the wasted time and the what if's had I led a different life"   and that is still bothering me   I think most because  of how far behind in life I am and that I may never catch up to where I would like to be    I do blame others and I think it is fair to blame others  for some of the choices I made   We all want to fit in right?   Today I am not going to seek revenge on them or blurt out how "this is your fault"  I know thats not going to help   but I have cut some connections from my past recently(facebook)  of people I have not seen in 20 years who I considered to be friends but obviously were not   I'm hoping this helps leave that past behind    They say that  giving up P  and rebooting  and so on is also about  working through the issues  that lead to it   and this is certainly one of them      One small problem is the lack in skill in  socialising to meet new people  and get things going   I am having a hard time with it   Not sure if thats the new norm today in general  "Breaking into a new crowd"  people are somewhat  protective of there turf

      So I will try to post more and read more here

         Cheers     and post often it helps me it helps you

joepanic

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Re: 95 days now
« Reply #69 on: April 17, 2018, 09:38:16 PM »
115 days and still no P   and now 5 days no cruising   feeling much better about myself   staying busy   lots of music   but not much more to report   I'm doing lots of reading here  and that def helps   so I'll try to be a little more insightful  over the next few days

    good luck all  and post often it helps me it helps you

joepanic

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Re: 95 days now
« Reply #70 on: April 19, 2018, 03:20:57 PM »
Still going good   played a little more on the instruments than normal  which is really good   have not gone cruising at all   I'm optimistic that  I will kick it too

      Still coming to grips with how much I must change my life  in the real world   Yes I look at women  and think  wow  thats sexy   Is that really abnormal behaviour?  Opinions from all views welcome     I read here on another journal  that 1 gentleman  def did not like the thought of other guys checking out his daughters ass     I have 3 daughters  2 who are teenagers   I think I'll be mature on this one and say   its not the worst thing in the world if some guys check out theirs   We have taught our daughters to carry themselves with class and dignity  and so far they have   mom has explained to them a little about not leading  men on  and the consequenses  if they do    I would never stare so long as to make a woman uncomfortable  before i started my reboot or now   and what about friends   where does flirting start and when does it become offensive    I do know gals who love having there asses checked out    my wife included   I must say that does not bother me one bit   I take it as a compliment and I know she really takes it as a compliment        Now is this  shallow behaviour    She eats properly and works out  to keep reasonably fit for being 44 years old.    Can 25 million North American men be wrong    perhaps      But in the case of a reboot and healing from addiction it could be a problem   and path leading right back to  the throes of that addiction       Will have to continue to give this some more thought

      Cheers      Post often it helps me it helps you

Totte

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Re: 95 days now
« Reply #71 on: April 19, 2018, 03:37:20 PM »
Awesome work
Thanks for sharing this!
It help mesee thats there is hope.
Thanks

joepanic

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Re: 95 days now
« Reply #72 on: April 20, 2018, 03:47:20 PM »
Not having  good day  wife was looking for a little action this morning I told her to wait for tonight  problem is  that left it on my mind all day   saw a few p subs  and .chat people and came way too close to crossing a line   I was able to stay away from it for the most part  but its the most difficult day since I started this journey    Proud to say I did not view any porn   but I am again nervous as to how easy it is to possibly slip   Gonna go and reflect on it

      Cheers and post often it helps me it helps you

JedClampett

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Re: 95 days now
« Reply #73 on: April 20, 2018, 10:28:18 PM »
joepanic:

Thank you for telling us of your struggles.  It certainly does not help to O when the wife wants it.  Even a
60 year old virgin knows that.  Why do we struggle against PMO?

That is a question we all must ask, especially when we know it is bad for us.

joepanic

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Re: 95 days now
« Reply #74 on: April 21, 2018, 09:38:49 AM »
Thanks for reading Jed

          There are many reasons why we struggle  1st is i believe its the instant gratification  that fills a void  in our lives    We must also work at the underlying causes   my intro to porn was loneliness as a teenager   and of course with anything like this  the addiction comes on quick   today I may not be lonely but need to break the addiction

    Cheers
                  post often it helps me it helps you