One week after disclosure

[nmmbh]

I have never really been one to post on forums but I have never felt so alone with my pain. I will try to keep our story short but I'd like to share what has occurred. When my husband was deployed 3 years ago he told me he wanted us to stop watching porn. I have never been a prude or anything close to it and I enjoyed porn myself. A year after he came home (almost 2 years ago now) I found porn on his tablet. He disclosed to me that he had never stopped. He also told me he had been doing it at work and reading stories about beastiality. The latter two things disgusted me, but I found out I was pregnant with our second child two days later. So I worked hard to move on and trust again. I didn't ask him to never look at it again, only to stop doing it at work and keep the subject matter to humans only. The only other stipulation was that when he resumed looking at porn I wanted him to let me know. Fast forward to July and I asked him if he had done it yet. Over the previous year and a half I had asked him randomly and he always said no. But that day he told me yes, he had done it the previous Friday but hadn't found a way to tell me yet. I was upset because the rule was so easy to follow yet he broke. I also asked him not to hide it when he started doing it again, but I couldn't find it in his history. He honestly expected me to believe that it had deleted itself. The following three months were hell. I knew he was hiding more and that websites don't just disappear but he just kept gas lighting me. He is not mean ever so it wasn't harsh gas lighting just stern denial. It started driving me crazy. Then shortly after he told me he wanted to ejaculate on my face. He had told me for years he'd never want to do that because it seemed degrading. But here he was wanting to do it. I started to feel so unloved and unvalued that I was contemplating separation. I couldn't pinpoint how but I knew he was hiding something and I knew things were different. Finally he disclosed to me last Sunday that he had stoped for a few months after the initial betrayal but he had been doing it again for over a year. I am shattered. I'm having flash backs and realizing how much his addiction has effected me and us. I'm remembering all the times I would ask him to stop doing something during sex or to be more gentle and it was like he didn't hear me. I feel violated knowing now that he just didn't care that he was hurting me and that I wanted him to stop. I have been in the process of discovering my own body and I would voice to him that my orgasm mattered too but he didn't seem to hear me. He also stopped going down on me shortly after he would've resumed viewing porn. It has been one of the roughest weeks of my life. I can't stop the waves of pain when I have flashbacks of violating things that happened during sex, or when I think about all the lies and hiding. I still feel like he's hiding more. That I'm still getting half truths. I'm also pissed that we've been having so much sex this week. I do not understand why my body wants him so fiercely when he hurt me so bad. I still haven't decided if I am going to stay. I'm sorry this is such a ramble but I am flooding with emotions I've been trying to hide the last few days. I am shaking and feel nauseous again. I feel like there is no hope for us or for me to ever heal. Driving into a truck so that he can get the insurance money to take care of the kids sounds like my best option right now. Thank you to whoever takes the time to read this.

[malando]

Wow, that's a very painful experience you've had Nmmbh, I'm really sorry to hear that. It sounds like porn has has a terrible effect on your husbands sexual ideology. I actually think you need to draw a sharp boundary on this and say "it's porn or it's me, you can't have both". Porn isn't a civil right or something. If it's causing you and your marriage damage, which it clearly is, you have every right to tell him he needs to stop or there is no possible future together. If you do this, you'll get an idea of his commitment to you and your marriage. If you get that commitment, then you can start talking about how you might start on the recovery and rebuilding of your marriage. It won't be easy though. It will take hard work and commitment from both of you - he needs to completely alter his brain to get back to a normal functional state, and he has to learn what he's done to you and find a way to make amends and rebuild your faith in him. And you have to process the betrayal and trauma you've been through and try to find a way to trust him again. One thing is for certain, you shouldn't be thinking about driving into trucks because of a stupid thing your husband has done. This is on him, not you.

Best wishes in sorting your way through this.
M.

[Emerald Blue]

Whoa! Seems like a lot of confusion is going on here.

I’m not getting a clear picture about the current state of your relationship. There’s a lot about porn and sex -  his use of porn and sexual relationship that doesn’t seem exactly healthy. What else is going on here? After all, sex is a pretty good barometer of what else is going on in the relationship. You don’t really say.

It would also appear that there are no clear boundaries, because your boundaries are coming across as inconsistent and he doesn’t appear to be respecting them. These are issues that are right at the heart of all relationships and no relationship will function healthily if the sexual boundaries are all over the place.

With regard to porn, what do you want?  He wanted you both to quit, but you told him some categories are OK for him to watch, but he watches the extreme stuff and? That is just too crazily inconsistent.

So, are you happy in this relationship? I wouldn’t be, not only because of extreme porn, but because there doesn’t seem to be much negotiation, respect or good communication. I know marriages aren’t JUST the two people who make up the couple, especially when there are kids and shared properties and shared financial responsibilities. Some people choose to stay because other parts of their relationship function perfectly well but sacrifice intimacy or at least accept a situation they’re not completely happy with but happy enough to stay for the parts of the relationship that do work. Perhaps that’s your situation, I don’t know. As long as staying is a deliberate choice. In the meantime you might need to work on the barriers to leaving if these exist. If you can be financially independent, if you have the skills and education that make it possible to provide for yourself and kids, that means you are in a better position to know why you are staying. If not, then update your skills, get the training and education you need. Even if you choose to stay, at least it’s a free choice.

It all comes down to the relationship you want to have. From what you described, it looks super confusing. You need to figure out what you want, what’s realistic and whether you can accept that. Sorry I can’t be of much more help.

[nmmbh]

I am sorry this was so incoherent but like I said a lot of emotional flooding and suicidal thoughts today. Two years ago I set clean boundaries: don't jack off at work or to animal porn, let me know when you start looking at porn again and don't hide it in your history. He did not tell me and he deleted from his history for over a year again. Now I have set the boundary of "it's me or porn". But I don't know how I am going to get over this pain. I have been sexually assaulted numerous times during my life but this feels worse. I thought I was making love to my husband meanwhile he was masterbating with my body. He wasn't listening to me or my body, he was using my body to meet his needs and not giving a shit about what I was feeling or thinking. There were times he physically hurt me but wouldn't stop. I thought I was just supposed to take it because I loved him and that's what I was supposed to do. The lying hurts, the secret life hurts, the coveting other women hurts, but the violation of my body hurts the most right now.

[raven song]

I'm sorry that your partner's porn use has resulted in so much pain right now.  The most important thing to focus on right now - the ONLY thing to focus on right now is getting help for you concerning your suicidal thoughts.  It is understandable that everything feels so overwhelming right now. Please call the national hotline and talk to a trained, well-qualified, and caring professional who can help you with the most important thing right now -your health and your life. 

Talk To Someone Now
 
If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States.

The Lifeline is available for everyone, is free, and confidential.

1-800-273-8255
 

[aquarius25]

I agree with Raven. You need to stop and take a few deep breaths. After D-day I had those same thoughts but then something occurred to me. Do I really want to leave my kids with a lying ass hat?!? No way in hell, lol! If something happened to me then he would probably not get better and my kids would grow up in a house where this behaivor was ok. I do not want that for them! Right now, I am sure, everything hurts, it is all overwhelming. I know for myself I was crying all the time. I felt like my emotions were at the surface and at the drop of a hat would come flooding out! The best thing to do is to stop, take a few deep breaths and focus. Ask yourself these questions.
1) What do I need to feel safe?
2) What are the most important priorities in my life?
3)What do I need to be able to meet those priorities? (for me it was being a mom to my kids)
4)What do I need to feel healthy again?

Then communicate this to your husband. Set some consequences and maybe to start for a while to a separation. It can even be an in-home separation where he sleeps somewhere else in the house for a while. Start just focusing on yourself. Rediscovering who you are and what you want and need. I know living with a porn addict sometimes you can lose yourself and your identity in the mix. Start by regaining that. Be clear and first about the boundaries. He needs to admit he has a problem and get some help. Your recovery is separate from that. Remember to breathe. Try to spend some time each day with your kids. Doing something that you and they enjoy. Try to find something to smile about each day.
Know you are not alone.
Sending you love and encouragement!

[Emerald Blue]

There were times he physically hurt me but wouldn't stop. I thought I was just supposed to take it because I loved him and that's what I was supposed to do.

If that’s the case, you have to get out of that situation. If that’s the way he behaves towards you, it’s abusive. It’s hard to see a way out when abuse erodes your self esteem. The best thing for you to do is to start taking control of your own life in small ways, but if this is truly the state of your marriage then something has to give.

Again, you don’t actually say much more about your relationship other than about porn and sex. I understand you may be feeling confused in your situation but if I was in your position, I doubt anything could be fixed just by your partner quitting porn. If a couple’s sex life acts as a kind of temperature gauge on the state of your relationship, from what you have said it looks like big trouble.

You need more boundaries than just “it’s me or porn”. You need clear bounds about physical and possibly verbal abuse, whether this occurs in a sexual situation, or whether it happens at other times. And what about your kids? Do you have boundaries in place to protect their wellbeing? Do you want to raise your kids to show the same disrespect to others that they see role-modelled at home? You really do have a lot more to think about that whether or not your husband watches porn. That’s not to say that you can’t have a “no porn” boundary but what about the abuse you have already experienced? What are your boundaries there?

If you are suicidal you need professional help. I hope you can find that help. As for the rest, you need to think about the life you want.

[Kimba]

I pretty much agree with all said here.. No Question you need to put the safety of yourself and your child first...

[stillme]

Hard stop at him physically hurting you and wouldn't stop. That is not okay, period. There are some areas for relationship compromise, this is not one of them. Your safety is of primary importance. It appears his porn use has warped his sense of consensual sexual intercourse. This is not okay, you deserve to be safe when sorting out the rest of things. I definitely recommended finding a counselor or trusted individual that you can speak further with face-to-face.

[yesyes1234]

I agree with what the others said. The physical abuse sounds very worrying.

It's great that you found the courage to share. It sounds like you are new at this, but we can all attest to the fact that this is a very serious issue. From what you write, he sounds like an addict and if he is, he should be treating with the same gravity as any other addiction.

I think the first steps regarding him should be:
- He has to admit he has a problem
- He has to educate himself on how serious this is and how damaging it is to every aspect of his life - people on here can recommend a ton of useful information and material.
- He should seek help - a therapist, SLAA or whatever is available. Most people struggle with this for years even with a lot of help and a good portion of them have not been able to beat this yet.

I hope this forum can make things a little easier. Many here are experienced and happy to help.