some good news about my new therapist!

[raven song]

Just finished my second appointment with a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma and who works in a clinic that specializes in sex addiction.  I've been crying tears of joy and relief.  Seems that the Fourth Time is the Charm here for me. 

[Kimba]

Hi Raven, those three points that men need to work on after Porn use are so relevant, they explain my partner to a T !!

I am interested in how it all goes, I know he is one of those men that would only go as last resort or I push the issue...

[stillme]

Glad you found a great therapist. One thing to watch out for are therapy sessions that focus on your partner at the expense of your own healing. That was one rabbit trail I unfortunately endured with therapy. Almost the entire session was spent on what my husband was or was not doing, how I was coping with his progress, how I was responding to him or he was responding to me. It ended up being just another extension of his recovery as opposed to my own healing.

I eventually realized that my own personal healing needed to remove my husband from the equation completely, because healing myself was a separate situation from healing the relationship. What I needed was to heal first, I had to be the priority; then I could focus on the relationship.

[raven song]

Still me,

One thing to watch out for are therapy sessions that focus on your partner at the expense of your own healing.

Thank you for this advice. I'm sorry that at first your sessions were an extension of his recovery. 

[Emerald Blue]

Raven song, I’m so glad you’ve found a therapist who understands and you can trust. I really hope this is going to work out for you both.

I agree with Stillme’s caveat about letting go of your partner’s recovery and focusing on your own healing. We ALL do this in the beginning. I think there’s a tendency to see our partner’s quitting porn a joint project, but in reality it’s his behaviour and his responsibility. In porn and sex addiction there is always a choice. Always. And acting out is a choice. I think we hear too many rationalisations and justifications that take choice out of the picture. For example “it’s an addiction” as if it’s acting out is a foregone conclusion, and it can’t be prevented. Well, it can because it’s always a choice. If the spouse walks in and interrupts the porn session it’s pretty remarkable how they can stop the behaviour in an instant. They very quickly choose not to use porn. Secondly, we get all this “nature” stuff, the evolutionary automaton who has to have sex there and then, whenever they feel like it, and if they can’t have sex they must have porn. The human race existed just fine before the internet, before the camera, before the printing presss. But in any case, it’s alway a choice.  If there’s anything secretive about the behaviour, that’s a big indicator of choice.

I guess I’m writing this because I feel that the addiction model has served its purpose in my healing. In terms of my relationship recovery, addiction isn’t the key issue. My partner taking responsibility for his own choices is more important.

I’m totally with Stillme on our own healing taking priority. It took time for me to get there but I can’t stress this enough. Often, for partners, it’s a loss of identity and trying to make meaning of our lives, past, present and future, that trips us up in the healing process. We need to rewrite our own story. “Is what I believed about the past just a redundant fairytale?” Who exactly am I?” And for those of us who changed our names in marriage “Who does that name belong to? Because I’m not sure I recognise it.” At some point I realised that I had to quit concerning myself with my husband’s behaviour past and present. “Do I know everything?” (Chances are I don’t) “is he looking at porn subs?” “Is he at risk of relapsing?” I can’t control any of this. It’s up to him. I can’t control what he does and I can’t force him to tell me and chances are he never would. You have to ask yourself who you would be if the relationship ended. Even if it doesn’t end, why haven’t you been that person? Chances are, you gave up on a lot of your individuality during the addiction years. Sexually, we want to be the one our partners choose, but we knew on some level we weren’t his choice of sex partner. So in trying to be the chosen one, and then never being chosen, our sexuality evaporates. So what exactly is our sexual identity now? So don’t forget about YOU. A good therapist will help with this, not just the addict’s issues.

[raven song]

Emerald,
Yes, you are right,  I need to focus on me. I am my own first priority!    I'm making some fun plans now. I have found that fun is so incredibly vital to healing.   

[NewBeginning]

Hello Raven Song,
I'm glad you are having a positive experience in therapy. I know it's not always easy. I'm a 37 year old married man and I'm a porn addict. I'm 48 days clean. I started seeing a therapist about 3 weeks ago for the first time in my life. I can say from personal experience that I definitely struggle in those three areas you mentioned: emotional intelligence, intimacy disorder (my therapist mentioned "vulnerability issues", not sure if it's the same thing), and underdeveloped coping skills. I didn't seek counseling specifically for help with my porn problem. My wife and I have been having problems for the past year or so. She suffers from depression and several health conditions. A year of hell and the roller coaster of emotions became too much for me to handle on my own, so I sought help in dealing with that. Just talking to the therapist in that first session and telling her about everything including my porn problem brought a huge relief to my soul. Now, I finally feel like there's hope. I'm starting to feel empowered and in control of my own life.

My wife knows about my porn addiction, but she says she doesn't think it's a big deal and she says she likes to look at porn from time to time. However, based on her internet history, which I haven't checked in a long time because I feel like it's an invasion of her privacy, she looks at a lot of porn very often. There is some other immoral (in my opinion) stuff going on with her which I won't get into because I don't want to hijack your thread.

My dad was an alcoholic. He was very angry most of the time, and could be verbally abusive. Although, there were definitely times when I feared he might become physically abusive. He and my older brother would get into physical altercations sometimes. The whole family would walk on eggshells around him. I started using pornography at the age of 13. At first it was kind of a novelty thing. I was a teenage boy after all. Then I found it was an easy way to escape from all the pain and emotions that I was feeling. It was easier than trying to understand what was going on.

I closed myself off for my whole life and found safety and comfort in porn. Obviously this had a negative affect on all of my relationships over the years. Since starting therapy, I mourned the loss off all the things that could have been. All the positive relationships I could have formed. All the opportunities that passed me by. But today is a new day and I'm so glad I have a strong spiritual life and a good therapist on my side to begin to help me realize my full potential and enjoy all that life has to offer. I'm praying that my wife will get the help she needs medically and emotionally so we can walk together again.

Hang in there Raven Song and any other partners of addicts. I know what you're going through is very painful, but if your addicted husbands or significant others are anything like me, they didn't stop loving you or thinking that you are beautiful. It's not your fault. You didn't cause this. This stupid porn addiction comes from a place of hurt and insecurity. But it's our responsibility to own up to our behaviors and become the men that we are called to be.

[raven song]

Hi NewBeginning,

Just talking to the therapist in that first session and telling her about everything including my porn problem brought a huge relief to my soul. Now, I finally feel like there's hope. I'm starting to feel empowered and in control of my own life.

 

I am very moved by your post.  Congratulations to you and your hard work - 48 days is a significant accomplishment!!!