Author Topic: Should I Tell My Wife About This?  (Read 5872 times)

TheWizard

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Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« on: September 17, 2017, 01:27:24 PM »
Do I Tell My Wife I Have Good News And Bad News? Good News – It’s NOT ED, Bad News – It’s PIED

I’ve been experiencing ED for a number of years now – at least 5 or 6.  I recently came across an article about PIED. I dug deeper and found several videos like TED Talks about it.  When they were describing the gradual events leading up to PIED and the need for novelty in porn and escalating need for more extreme forms of porn, fetishes and shocking stimulation I realized it was a description of me.

Until now I didn’t know I had a problem.  In fact, I suddenly realized that I only have ED when it comes to having sex with my wife.  She seems to have accepted the fact that I have ED, perhaps a little early in life as I’m only sixty, in good health and we both suppose that it happens to some guys.  I was confused as to why I could get a rock hard erection for porn but not for her.  Even after using Viagra or Cialis I couldn’t get a lasting erection for her even though she’s a beautiful sexy, receptive woman.  The best I could expect was a partial erection for 5 minutes or so then I went limp.  Then I would do my best to satisfy her orally and manually but that was a poor substitute for real sex.

There were times that I would try edging just before sex.  I’d sneak into my office while she was upstairs getting ready for bed.  I’d click to a porn site, fast forward to the raunchiest action scene and start rubbing up a hard on.  The thinking was that I could get myself stimulated in advance to give us both a better experience when I got into the bed.  That didn’t help.  I desperately tried to imagine myself in one of my favorite porn scenes while having sex with her.  That didn’t help.

Today marks day 18 or my reboot.  I’m so glad I stumbled upon websites that reveal the truth and science behind porn induced erectile dysfunction.  I haven’t even considered watching a porn video since I learned what I needed to do.  I deleted all my porn bookmarks and I’ll never go back to that again.  I’m experiencing the flat line now.  My cock is having a hissy fit and is pretending not to be my friend any more.  I am waking up in the middle of the night unable to get back to sleep for a couple hours.  These are all conditions that are expected according to so many forum posts and scientific research.  I am fully prepared to do whatever it takes to get through to the other side.  On the positive side of things, in this short time I’m beginning to get a stronger feeling of confidence and enthusiasm for life, my relationship, my business, music, hobbies etc.  This too was predicted.

The path has been charted for us.  We know what to expect and we just need to soldier on and take our instructions from the head on our shoulders instead of the one between our legs. 

I’m looking forward to the emerging new me.  There is one thing, however that I’m struggling with.  Do I tell her or do I just go through this and emerge one day “miraculously cured” from my ED?  On one hand I feel I should and it might help get results sooner.  On the other hand I am worried about being judged and feeling humiliated.  She is the type of person who believes that if I go into a strip bar to look at a nude dancer it is equivalent to me cheating on her. Does anyone have experience in sharing the information with your partner? 

What would you do?





aquarius25

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2017, 02:32:24 PM »
One thing I want to ask you and have to ponder is this. If your wife was going through something like this, something that impacts her ability to be intimate with you. Something that will be a profound change in her life and make her grow in ways she never thought. Something that she is realizing she is suffering from, something causing her a great deal of pain the more she digs into it and perhaps could be causing or will cause you pain. Certainly, something that is negatively impacting your marriage. Would you want to know? Or would you want her to deal with this on her own, allowing and some consider deceiving you into believing that everything is fine? This would require to her hide and lie in order to conceal this. Would you want to know if the table was turned? Really think about how much this impacts your relationship. Read some of the journals in the woman's section. Almost every woman will tell you it's not the porn that hurts as much as the lying. That drives a wedge in your marriage that is so hard to repair. If you can help prevent that wedge from going deeper wouldn't you want to?

I am not trying to be mean or judgemental I am just trying to help you consider a different side of porn addiction. It is hard to be a partner but I will say it was harder when I was a partner and didn't know it. At least now we are talking and connecting and he has given me the respect to allow me all the facts and to choose to stay. If you ever have any question I am happy to help where I can but I will say in a marriage where two people are supposed to be partners doesn't she deserve to have all the facts?

TheWizard

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2017, 03:57:10 PM »
Thank you for your comments and your openness about your personal experiences.  I will give this some serious thought.  I'd be afraid of opening a can of worms that doesn't really need to be opened.  At present she is not aware that I had a porn addiction.  She believes I have ED.  If it improves over time as I expect it will, our sex life should go back to normal again.  This could happen without conflict and suspicion from her wondering if I'm in my office working on client stuff or surfing porn sites.  You might think I'm being cowardly, and to some extent I am a bit.  I'm more interested in keeping the peace and handling it without burdening her with anything.

Gracie

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2017, 02:17:54 AM »
I am over 60.  My husband was discovered by me at 60 using porn.  He used every day.  We had mediocore I am tired of my hand sex.  He was different a long time before d day as we call it here.  I am a yes tell her.  If you do not you can hide it and make half assed attempts and have all sorts of excuses.  If you tell her, then you share the burden and you have two working on the problem.

My husband had been working on it, knew he should quit but golly gee it was tough. When I was devastated, he quit.  It is not pretty when we are told and you are telling us, but it beats being married and lying every day.

TheWizard

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2017, 06:53:12 AM »
How did it make you feel to learn that your husband was addicted to porn? Did it not make you question your self worth? Did it break your confidence to think your husband is more interested in those hard core plots that play out on the screen instead of you?  That he's excited about the orgy's, double pens, gang bangs and so many other things that you either would not or could not give him sexually?

My wife has no clue right now.  We love each other and due to my self-inflicted addiction she thinks I have ED.  My biggest concern is risking shattering her self confidence as a wife and woman.  That is the main reason I feel I should not tell her.  I know I can get through this on my own.  I'm a very strong willed person.  I'm on reboot day 20 today and I'll never go back.  In a few months our sex life will return to normal with her confidence intact.

malando

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2017, 08:17:42 AM »
Where you're going wrong is actually in your assumption that she hasn't already incurred the damage you are afraid of causing her. You shouldn't assume this. There's every chance she has already taken a blow to her self-esteem and self confidence. You changed 5 or 6 years ago. You couldn't be properly intimate with her anymore. It would be naive in the extreme to think that she has internalised this as purely a physical problem on your part and nothing to do with her. Just because she hasn't told you so, doesn't mean it hasn't happened.

So with this in mind, you need to think about the problem of whether you have already caused her considerable damage, and that you have some work to do to make amends and to help her recover. This problem isn't confined to you and your penis. It's an entire relationship thing. Even if you both say you love each other every day, and that you are happy together, I have no doubt that this has had an impact on her. These things damage communication and the closeness of your connection. You've been hiding a big secret, don't be surprised if she's hiding a secret too. Your relationship is not as honest as it could be.

If you successfully completed your reboot and were suddenly functional again and showing interest in your wife, what would that mean for her? Is she going to think "oh, he has spontaneous changed back again, why did that happen? Is he secretly getting treatment?" (more lies?). "Am I suddenly attractive again?" (why?)  You've lied enough now, how about treating her with respect, and tell her what's going on and allow her to have feelings about the truth rather than feelings about your lies?  That's why I also support Aquarius and Gracie in saying you should tell her. I'm less diplomatic than the good ladies here, but this is how I see it.

aquarius25

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #6 on: September 18, 2017, 09:50:03 AM »
I would also say that you really haven't fully pondered my question. How would you feel if the tables were turned? Or how would you feel if your wife kept a secret from you? It is the lying that hurts the most. For most partners, it is the same as an actual affair. If your wife carried on a sexual relationship with something or someone other than you and it unknowingly impacted your sexual relationship would you want to know? That is what I am asking. Really think about that. How would you feel if you found out down the road? How can you guarantee she will never find out? If she is your wife and best friend how do you plan to keep something this big from her?

It sucks, its scary, I get it, I really do. I also think you know the right answer otherwise you wouldn't be in the forum asking the question. I have to wonder if part of the rationalization and excuses are part of your addicted brain trying to justify not taking full ownership and responsibility for your actions. Is she going to hurt, yes. BUt not because you told her, she will hurt because your actions of looking at porn to a point of addiction have hurt her. Part of addiction is ownership and making amends. You can't-do that with lying. Lying is the same pathways that porn feeds on. You will be just healing the symptoms by keeping this a secret. If you want to really heal you need to dig into your root causes of what drove you to porn in the first place and be open and honest with your wife and yourself.

Emerald Blue

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #7 on: September 18, 2017, 10:35:25 AM »
I am the partner of a recovering porn addict who successfully quit his porn habit of 15+ years. My situation was somewhat different from yours in that I was only too aware of my husband's porn consumption for those 15 years. Eventually he developed PIED but I didn't know it was due to porn addiction. I thought it was me who didn't do anything for him, so yes, obviously my self esteem suffered as a consequence. PIED was the precursor to the sexless marriage that lasted several years until d day. Then it all changed.

Gracie is right. Your wife probably IS affected by your porn habit. She might not be able to say why she senses things are off but she probably attributes it to plausible explanations like age, menopause, etc. Gracie is also right about the quality of sex with a porn user. Take it from us who have been there. Porn turns men into lousy lovers, and if there is a sense of emotional distance (secrecy and deception goes with the territory), then sex becomes rather dull, passionless and unsatisfying. Whatever is going on in your mind during sex, it certainly won't be what's going through her's. I can assure you of that.

If you are quitting porn to restore your virility and get rock hard erections, you're barking up the wrong tree. There is a lot more to good sex than the hardness of an erection. Bear that in mind. Secondly, abstinence is not recovery. It's necessary to break the habit and it may well restore erectile prowess, but then what? Do you want to change your life by kicking this porn shit to the curb or are you only interested in mending a broken penis?

Once again, I'm with Gracie on telling your wife. Yes, I did question my attractiveness in terms of what my husband wanted. I tolerated a sexless marriage because I loved my husband. I knew that other men found me attractive during that time, but that wasn't what was important to me. The real issue was the huge vacuum in the most intimate area of our relationship. Yes, it did hurt and yes, I did feel less than. But he was an addict. I didn't know about porn addiction. Neither did he.

But would I feel inferior because of gang bangs and double penetration? Are you kidding? No way! I don't feel inferior to anything going on in porn. I'm 2 years into recovery so I've had the chance to rebuild my self confidence including my sexual confidence, but FFS man, if my husband didn't believe I was good enough for him, or if he thought jerking off to a screen was more exciting, he'd be fecking crazy! All that porn shit, that's the inferior stuff. That's the garbage. It's not sex. It's NOT sex. Do you get that? IT'S NOT SEX. You're watching a performance. It's all done for the camera. There's some dude saying "do this, do that, move a little bit the right, move a little bit to the left, now do this, no not like that, we have to shoot that scene again" while some other dude is operating the camera.

You want a camera crew directing your lovemaking? I doubt it. You want two men sticking their HPV-coated, herpes-spreading dicks into your wife at the same time whilst she contorts her face with pain whilst pretending to love it? I doubt that too. So I suggest you question what you believe to be "better". Watching this garbage or expressing your own authentic sexuality (which is not the same thing as replaying porn fantasies in the ridiculous belief that it represents 'hot sex')? In all that porn garbage you have been getting off on, female sexual pleasure would be virtually impossible. So it's NOT good sex or 'hot' sex from a woman's perspective. So do I feel inferior to what goes on in porn? Absolutely not.

After d day in made it clear that I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who lies to me, deceives, hides, maintains 'lies of omission'. I wanted open and honest communication. I wanted porn out of my relationship and out of my home. He quit porn and got his life back (and his wife back) whilst I got my self respect. Our sexual relationship recovered gradually. Erectile functioning wasn't the most crucial part. It was reestablishing intimacy.

Whatever you do, it's your decision. Good luck.
« Last Edit: September 18, 2017, 10:41:13 AM by Emerald Blue »
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

Emerald Blue

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #8 on: September 18, 2017, 11:12:26 AM »
Quote
I have to wonder if part of the rationalization and excuses are part of your addicted brain trying to justify not taking full ownership and responsibility for your actions.

Lying is the same pathways that porn feeds on. You will be just healing the symptoms by keeping this a secret.

Completely agree with the above.

We see guys here from time to time who ask whether they should come clean about their porn habit and I'm afraid to say that most of them start to make excuses.

Quote
I'd be afraid of opening a can of worms that doesn't really need to be opened.

This is a classic example of this mindset. The "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" assumption. Well, what she doesn't know CAN hurt because YOUR actions and YOUR decisions are almost certainly hurting the relationship and impairing the quality of your communication, and quite obviously the quality of your lovemaking.

Now, I am prepared to concede that there are occasions when disclosure may not be a good idea, but more often it's that the timing isn't right, but these are exceptional circumstances, not just "my wife would be so upset, she doesn't even approve of steamy love scenes in movies". That's no excuse at all. But usually the addict is only protecting himself, not his partner. It's not as if anyone ever says "oh no, I don't mind a few lies, really it's not a problem if my husband lies, I know he's only lying because he loves me". I've never known anyone who doesn't mind being lied to. The only people who approve of lies are the ones who tell the lies.


I want to ask..

What if she discovered your porn use tomorrow? What would you say? Would you pretend it was the first and only time you used porn? Or would you tell her some garbage about clicking on a pop up or a link someone sent you? Or would you admit to having a longstanding porn habit that is actually causing problems?

What if she asked you outright about porn? Would you tell her the truth? Or would you let her believe it's not your thing at all? What if she initiated a conversation about something she might have read online about porn and ED? Would you admit to it then?

You see, you have made the assumption that the only way she will ever find out is if you tell her. There are more ways of discovering things than a confession, so bear that in mind. You may feel safe that you have protected your porn habit sufficiently from discovery, but people make discoveries unexpectedly. Most partners who discover their spouse's porn activities didn't actually go looking for it deliberately.

Also, if she was to learn of your porn activities, regardless of it being discovered by her or disclosed voluntarily, would you be honest about the extent of your porn use, how long it's been going on, how often, any extreme genres, etc? Would you be honest, or would you lie?

Ultimately its your decision, it's your decision whether you are going to continue watching porn indefinitely, whether you are going to tell your wife, whether you believe that restoring erectile functioning is the answer to your current predicament, it's up to you. This section is for partners of porn addiction.

In this section of the forum, we know about our partners habits and the problems it has created in our relationships. We are all here because we all know. If we didn't know we couldn't heal our lives and we certainly wouldn't be able to heal our relationships. For us, knowledge is power. Ignorance is NOT bliss.

« Last Edit: September 18, 2017, 11:27:02 AM by Emerald Blue »
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

TheWizard

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2017, 06:21:24 PM »
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your sincerity and genuine interest in helping me mend my relationship.  I mean everybody that has responded to my question.  I've only been on this forum for a few days and started with little expectations but got an outpouring of women's opinions and well founded suggestions.

I truly believe I'm switching from not telling her to "How do I tell her and when."

Thank you so much! I am literally in tears right now.  My emotions are happy/ sad tears. 

All I can say is WOW! FUCKin WOW.  Thanks so much for your sincerity and caring attitude to a complete stranger.

AppleJack

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #10 on: September 18, 2017, 06:30:06 PM »
I'll make it simple for you. Lying is wrong.

malando

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #11 on: September 18, 2017, 06:53:40 PM »
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your sincerity and genuine interest in helping me mend my relationship.  I mean everybody that has responded to my question.  I've only been on this forum for a few days and started with little expectations but got an outpouring of women's opinions and well founded suggestions.

I truly believe I'm switching from not telling her to "How do I tell her and when."

Thank you so much! I am literally in tears right now.  My emotions are happy/ sad tears. 

All I can say is WOW! FUCKin WOW.  Thanks so much for your sincerity and caring attitude to a complete stranger.

It might interest you to know that I am actually a recovering male addict but I hold the position it's best to tell if you care about the relationship. Best wishes in getting through it all. It will take patience and understanding.

Emerald Blue

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #12 on: September 18, 2017, 07:11:41 PM »
So glad you have gained from the various contributions and opinions here. We've all been through it and it's NOT easy. It's a real emotional rollercoaster, but..... once you begin to heal you will know yourself better than you ever thought possible and feel so much stronger. My journey felt like hell at times, and although painful, I have gained a lot.

My one piece of advice. Full disclosure, as much as you can as early as you can. Be honest. Don't do a staggered disclosure because every new piece of information is like going through the same experience over and over. Don't say "I've told you everything" unless it's true. Don't omit, don't tell partial truths to disguise the true extent of the behaviour. Answer questions as honesty as possible. The only thing I would advise against is anything that will create an image in her mind that will be hard to erase. You don't need to tell her the sordid details, she doesn't need to conjure up a picture of dp in her mind, just stick to the broad brushstrokes. You watched porn, and porn sites feature just about everything and curiosity happens. That's all she needs to know. She might ask about illegal
content, particularly child pornography. That's always a big concern.

It's very hard to understand the behaviour, but we do get it if we have access to good information. I suggest watching the educational videos on how porn addiction affects the brain, on YourBrainOnPorn.com. You could watch this with your wife. Once she understands porn addiction she will see that it wasn't about you rejecting her at all. As you say, she's a beautiful sexy woman.

Other resources I recommend are Paula Hall's book for partners. It's written for partners of sex addicts but she considers porn addiction as a subset of sex addiction. Your wife may fear you've gone beyond porn so assure her many times over that you are not a sex addict (assuming that you're not, of course). Paula Hall also has a book for addicts. I suggest your wife sticks to the partner's book only. There's a new podcast for partners of sex addicts called Ths Butterfly Nation, which is worth a listen but the presenters were married to full blown sex addicts although they both consider porn addiction a type of sex addiction. For addicts, Sex Addictions and Porn Afflictions is a secular podcast for addicts, and Porn Free Radio is a podcast presented by a christian although his podcast is for anyone of any faith or no faith. Both are worth a listen. One guy is loud and shouty, the other is more quiet and calm, so whatever works for you. These podcasts all promote the presenters "coaching" business but the podcasts are free. You need to try various resources to find what works for you. And for your wife, she's always welcome here too.
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

Kimba

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #13 on: September 19, 2017, 02:08:26 AM »
OMG EB you hit the nail on the head, Love love love what u wrote, cheers GF x

If there is any advise I would give, open ur heart and confide in your partner/wife, be real !!
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aquarius25

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #14 on: September 19, 2017, 08:16:18 AM »
I think it is a great start that you want to be honest with her. I really wish my husband had treated me with that respect. He discovered his ed was, in fact, PIED and was hoping to fix it on his own. Well, a week later I found out anyway. One thing to remember and communicate when you are disclosing is this, let her know that as of now this is all of the information. Remind her that there might be things you have forgotten, not because you are hiding them but because your mind will probably be racing and nervous. Reassure her that when you do remember something that you will communicate that with her. Allow her time to process the information and give her space to be upset. Give her time to process and tell her that you want to not only heal from this addiction but you want to heal together.

After she has processed a bit, make a plan together. Set goals and boundires together. If she has said she wants to be informed on how your reboot is going then you need to keep her informed. Be sure you initiate those conversations. It is really hard and feels crappy when the wife always has to be the one to do it. Also show her this forum. Show her that there is support for her on here and that she is not alone. That was one of the best things my husband (metal22) did for me in the beginning. I really needed a safe place to seek support and the people here are pretty amazing.

Also educate yourself, not just with being a PA but read books and things regarding what it is like as a partner. Read the journals here in the woman's section and it will give you a better understanding of what it is like, what things cause triggers, and what triggers feel like for us. Each woman is different but there are similar themes too.

Being open and honest will change your recovery. It will add a new level of accountability and it will add a new level of reward because you are not just working to "not look at porn" you are transforming your life and marriage. Above all else, love her. Even when she is angry, overwhelmed, and all the other crap that comes along with it. At the root of all actions let them come from love.

I wish you and your family the very best! Feel free to ask questions anytime. You and your wife are not alone.

TheWizard

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #15 on: September 19, 2017, 09:08:01 AM »
Thank you for your support and confidence.

Kimba

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #16 on: September 19, 2017, 10:24:42 PM »
I wish You Well Wizard x
Three things that cannot be long hidden
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The Moon
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stillme

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #17 on: September 20, 2017, 03:23:27 PM »
"How do I tell her and when?"

Tell her as soon as possible.
Tell her what facts and truth you know (all of them) and answer her questions honestly.

My d-day came after I wrote my husband a letter letting him know I was filing for divorce. The letter was open, honest, and thorough - ten pages in length. I told him I knew there was someone else, even though I didn't know who it was. He was absolutely shocked. He then had to come to me and admit the 'who' was porn. Imagine, he was losing his wife and three young children - to porn.

The disclosure came, not as thoroughly as it should have been, but it came. The relationship is still trying to mend itself. It is sewn together as something both of us can tolerate, but neither of us really want.

I know, for a fact, had my husband come to me first - things would be significantly different.

What I am saying is - don't assume she doesn't know. She may not know 'what', but she more than likely knows something. Don't assume not talking when make it go away. Don't assume deciding to recover on your own, in the dark, without her knowledge, will be possible.

Porn addiction can end up costing you everything if you allow it to be accompanied by lies and deception. Men rarely fall in love with 'stupid' or naive women, which means your wife probably has some idea that things are right and you are counting on her loving you more than she loves herself. The moment she decides to love herself, her life, her sanity, more than she hands on to an unrequited love - your journey towards healing will be significantly harder.

Tell her, sooner rather than later. I am sure my husband would offer you the same advice.

Jack Can

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #18 on: September 20, 2017, 04:02:03 PM »
Tell your wife everything! I don't see why you wouldn't, you're both on the same team right? If she's not supportive of your goals that would not be cool haha.

TheWizard

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #19 on: September 23, 2017, 01:41:44 PM »
I told my wife about my PIED.  As expected, she was very disappointed in me.  She felt she has lost a few years of sexual enjoyment because of me.  She thought I had ED early in life.  The fact that I'm rebooting (day 25 today) and that we can get it all back again in a few months didn't seem to soften the blow any.

As others on this forum have said, "She felt unattractive and undesirable." She felt it was her fault that I wasn't having sex with her.  This is a very difficult day for both of us.  I hope I did the right thing.

malando

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #20 on: September 23, 2017, 02:19:08 PM »
I told my wife about my PIED.  As expected, she was very disappointed in me.  She felt she has lost a few years of sexual enjoyment because of me.  She thought I had ED early in life.  The fact that I'm rebooting (day 25 today) and that we can get it all back again in a few months didn't seem to soften the blow any.

As others on this forum have said, "She felt unattractive and undesirable." She felt it was her fault that I wasn't having sex with her.  This is a very difficult day for both of us.  I hope I did the right thing.
Of course you did the right thing! Would you rather her to feel inexplicably unattractive and undesirable? Or would you rather she is very disappointed in you but has a chance to rebuild her self-confidence? It's a no brainer. And no, of course you announcing that you will be fully functional in a few months was of no interest to her. She's probably in a state of disgust and totally disinterested in sex with you. You've got to give her time to process this and to get to state where she wants to work this out together with you. You're going to have to be patient and understanding. Allow her to yell and scream if she needs to. Don't defend yourself, and don't even think about sex for the foreseeable future. This is the price of what you did. Don't feel sorry for yourself, just own it and do what you can to fix it. Best of luck. M.

aquarius25

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #21 on: September 23, 2017, 02:38:47 PM »
One thing to remember, that I feel a lot of PA's forget, it is not the fact that you told her that is causing the pain. It's the behavior abd actions you took that hurt. Honesty is the first step towards healing. Be patient and love.

TheWizard

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #22 on: September 24, 2017, 09:11:58 AM »
Thanks, I fully agree with all the supporting comments and suggestions. I'm doing exactly that.

Gracie

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #23 on: September 24, 2017, 09:21:34 AM »
Get two books. 
Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson  (aqua cover)

Love You Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steuer


http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com

These help!

Emerald Blue

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Re: Should I Tell My Wife About This?
« Reply #24 on: September 25, 2017, 12:24:22 PM »
I'm quoting my own words here  8)

Quote
If you are quitting porn to restore your virility and get rock hard erections, you're barking up the wrong tree.

You need to fix your relationship, not your dick.

Quote
She felt she has lost a few years of sexual enjoyment because of me. 
Well, I've got news for you. She did.

I can speak from my own experience here. I lost out on YEARS of shared sexual intimacy and pleasure because of my husband's porn activities. But there was a lot more besides. Emotional intimacy and genuine, meaningful communication for one. The undermining of my self esteem and self worth for another. I could write a big, long inventory list about what I lost.

This is how it worked out for me. I couldn't take it any more. Yes, it was the porn but it was the distance between us that hurt. He was oblivious to its effects. He would have carried on, or possibly acted out in other ways if he wasn't already doing so. If I hadn't called time on his porn addict he would probably still be using it.

But this is the important thing. It took time to process the enormity of the problem. This was a 15-20 year porn addiction with a side of strippers. But I'm getting my self respect back. I'm reclaiming my sexuality. I'm recreating my identity. I'm rebuilding my life. And that's more important to me than anything else right now. I've invested a lot of time and emotional energy into this recovery process and I've given him all the support and understanding that anyone possibly could. But now it's my time to heal. I am in some ways grateful to have this opportunity but then I also know it didn't have to be this way. Even so, I'm determined that for now, I'm making the most of this opportunity to become the best version of myself. I hope your wife can become the best version of herself too. She might not see it now but this is an opportunity for both of you to build something better.
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it