Author Topic: I've finally ended it. Now what?  (Read 1831 times)

Reillysgirl

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I've finally ended it. Now what?
« on: September 02, 2017, 06:50:03 AM »
After 2 years of trying to fix my PA fiancĂ©, I've given up and ended it.  I feel horrible guilt some days, even though he had a new girlfriend within a week.  How much could he have loved me if I was so easily replaced?  Good luck to her...he relapsed within two days of our break up (my guess is that he may have never stopped) 
So my question is, now what?  I hate men, I hate women, I don't trust a single solitary soul and I'm old and fat.  Am I doomed to be broken and alone while the man who broke me gets to move on to his next victim?

Gracie

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Re: I've finally ended it. Now what?
« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2017, 07:46:34 AM »
No you are not doomed.  Give yourself time to heal.  Heal yourself now.  Recover from this bad relationship.  Become the person you are, not what he made you be.  Being a partner changes us.  We need to give ourselves r & r.     Join a group that does something you like.  I know when I was down I worked atan animal shelter.  I would work with non socialized cats and make the friendly.  Most of all be kind to yourself.

Hope this helps!

Reillysgirl

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Re: I've finally ended it. Now what?
« Reply #2 on: September 02, 2017, 07:52:08 AM »
Volunteer work sounds perfect for me, especially with animals instead of people! Thanks!!!

malando

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Re: I've finally ended it. Now what?
« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2017, 07:59:42 AM »
After 2 years of trying to fix my PA fiancĂ©, I've given up and ended it.  I feel horrible guilt some days, even though he had a new girlfriend within a week.  How much could he have loved me if I was so easily replaced?  Good luck to her...he relapsed within two days of our break up (my guess is that he may have never stopped) 
So my question is, now what?  I hate men, I hate women, I don't trust a single solitary soul and I'm old and fat.  Am I doomed to be broken and alone while the man who broke me gets to move on to his next victim?

I'm sorry to hear this has turned out so poorly. Even more worrying is that you talk so badly about yourself. The fact that he has moved on like this shows that he is not worthy of you, and probably not capable of a mature, committed relationship. He is showing himself to be shallow by having a rebound relationship, and she will not be spared from his P addiction either, so don't envy her!

I think you need to work on having a better relationship with yourself. I suspect this whole PA partner experience has taken a toll on your self-confidence, and that has lead you to make disparaging conclusions about yourself (like reducing yourself to being old and fat). Did you feel so negatively about yourself before the P addiction stuff? If you didn't, you can bet that it has played a role in how you feel now.

I would say you need to get your mojo back. Try changing your lifestyle, take up some new hobbies, see your friends, join a gym and work out so you feel better about your health and body and get some of your youthful vigour back. If you don't have a pet, have a think about that too. They can be very soothing. Take comfort in the fact that the nightmare of this relationship is over now. It will not get any worse, it will get steadily better.

It's a shame that putting your faith into a relationship has turned out so poorly for you, but it's not your fault. I hope you will be able to rediscover your zest and that in time you will find somebody who is worthy.

Best wishes.
M.

Reillysgirl

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Re: I've finally ended it. Now what?
« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2017, 08:38:04 AM »
Thank you for you kind and uplifting words! 
I am a shell of the person I used to be. I had self confidence and was very social. 
As much as I want my life back as it was, I don't see it happening. 
I will never trust anyone again. Friends, family or partnership.
I wish I could warn his new girlfriend but I know she won't listen anymore than I would have listened when I met him.  I was blind for over two years. If he can fool me that well for that long, how can I ever trust my judgement again?  Aren't they all the same anyway? It's not like there's a man out there for me who DOESNT use porn.
I've been thinking maybe I'd date and not put myself into a relationship situation again and I won't get hurt.

Emerald Blue

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Re: I've finally ended it. Now what?
« Reply #5 on: September 02, 2017, 01:47:06 PM »
It's always sad when a relationship ends because of porn addiction but you have to ask yourself, Was this relationship ever going anywhere? I suspect it never really had a future and if you are brutally honest, it was never the relationship you wanted it to be. So, it's far better in the long run to quit the pretence that this was ever 'the real thing'. It never was.

Quote
hate men, I hate women, I don't trust a single solitary soul and I'm old and fat]I hate men, I hate women, I don't trust a single solitary soul and I'm old and fat
Those are very black-and-white thoughts, and thinking about life and relationships in this way won't do you any good in the long term. One bad relationship doesn't mean it's impossible to have good friendships with both men and women. In fact, nurturing your other (non sexual, non romantic) relationships, regardless of whether they're male or female, is probably what you need most right now. It's far better to have a wider circle of friends based on shared interests rather than seeing yourself as "on the dating scene".

The surprising thing about your post is that I'm not actually picking up a sense of relief, which I would expect. Aren't you relieved that it's over? Aren't you glad to be free of all this porn addiction crap? It's also a bit odd that you're thinking about "dating" already and stressing over whether there are any men who haven't seen porn. I say, forget all that stuff and get on with the business of looking after you, and only after you've recovered from this experience can you realistically think about "dating" or whatever it is you want to do.
« Last Edit: September 02, 2017, 01:49:04 PM by Emerald Blue »
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

stillme

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Re: I've finally ended it. Now what?
« Reply #6 on: September 02, 2017, 05:28:43 PM »
I know it might not feel like it right now, but you are FREE! Free of carrying someone else's burden. A great place to go get support is from a website called, "Chumplady.com". Oh my gosh there will be so many people there that can reassure you - you are free. You get to start living your best life.

You are not fat and ugly - you are human. A beautiful, wonderful, human. Porn addicts don't want humans, they want pixels on a screen. Honestly, if they met their biggest porn crush in person, they probably wouldn't want her either. She would be sitting on a couch naked and they would leave and go jack off to one of her videos instead. That is how distorted their ideas are when they are in the midst of the addiction.

I cannot reiterate enough - you are FREE! You didn't waste a decade or more or have children with him that would have trapped you in a hell hole for the next couple decades.

You are FREE! You are not damaged, you are not less than, you are not unworthy. You get an opportunity to live your best life now.