Author Topic: False Alarm! and Farewell :)  (Read 3079 times)

Robert1

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False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« on: April 13, 2017, 07:46:24 PM »
Sorry guys, looks like my problem was never porn addiction. An age related health issue was taking some of the spring out of the downstairs step if you know what I mean, that and you can't expect to be rock hard every time after 15 years of marriage. I think men (and women to some degree as well) have a natural desire to seek sexual novelty, whether it be porn (visual or literary), or spicing things up in the bedroom, some couples even go the poly route but that's not really my thing.

In my time here I was a little surprised by the fine line (if it is there at all) that is often drawn between porn use, and porn addiction. To me someone is addicted to an activity or substance when it is really having a negative impact on their lives and the lives of those around them. Like if you are masturbating more than once a day and failing to complete other important task/responsibilities, watching porn at work, watching porn that depicts real harm being done to others.

I think some people may be in need of a reality check here, watching porn doesn't make you a bad person, fetishes don't make you a bad person unless there is real harm involved to you, your partner, or those on screen. Just because your penis isn't always rock hard all the time doesn't mean it is porn induced. You might have performance anxiety, you might have lost interest in your partner sexually. I think Aquarius made a very good point recently when she said that there is so much more to sex than a rock hard erection, so much more to sexually satisfying a woman. If you can't find a woman who doesn't run off at the first sign of a limp member, is she really worth the trouble?

There is a difference between porn use and porn addiction. By labeling potentially healthy viewing of porn a porn addiction, you make it all consuming in your life, an obsession. Ironically this obsession ends up taking far more time and energy than an actual porn addiction, so you end up doing real harm to yourself for little reward. Often you will fail and fail again and again because you don't want to deny yourself an enjoyable activity that you subconsciously know isn't really doing any harm in your life. Of course there are those that are really addicted, but you need to honestly ask yourself whether or not your porn use is causing you any real harm, or if you are just ashamed because society has deemed publicly visible sex shameful.

I have always viewed marriage as something that changes over time. Sure we might become less sexually interested in each other as we get older, and some degree of monotony will set in as well, but all the while we are connecting more and more on an emotional level. Sexual attraction has a purpose after all, it is all for the children. Once the children have been conceived, it seems only natural that sex drive is going to drop off. I think it is also important to remember that men and women are built differently, menopause often has a drastic affect on sex drive because the eggs are dried up, you can't really expect a woman to be all that interested in sex once this occurs. Men on the other hand always have sperm on tap, and let's face it, nature intended for men to father children with more than one woman, we can't ignore that reality and it explains quite well why men are more likely to seek out porn in a marriage.

I've glanced at the partners section and I see the real reason for the frustration of partners, it's the lies and deceit. Luckily my wife and I see eye to eye on the topic of porn. She has always enjoyed her romance/sex stories, sex toys, and occasionally porn, and I enjoy all 3 as well (though I do watch more porn). We are also honest with each other, we don't feel the need to hide things from each other, and it is that honesty that allowed us to see that we were right for each other. So I get your frustration ladies, but you're focusing on the wrong target here. Porn doesn't make a man into a terrible person who lies to his wife, a terrible person lies to his wife and watches porn behind her back. I'm sure you have all realized by now that stopping porn doesn't make the problems go away. A lot of you don't like porn and that's fine, there's nothing wrong with holding that viewpoint, but you can't label every man who enjoys porn as a porn addict, that just covers up the real problems in your marriage. 

I can sympathize with other men that are in this situation as well. Odds are you started watching porn and never thought it would be a problem, and now you are in a situation where your wife doesn't appreciate your side activities, and you are stuck in the marriage regardless because you know she is likely going to get the kids and the house if you try to leave. I get it, the deck is a little stacked against men right now, and both parties take responsibility in a marriage, but you are probably partly in this situation because you didn't really get to know your wife on a personal level. If you had really communicated with her in the beginning, then you might have known that the relationship probably wasn't going to work out all that well. Then again porn is a fairly recent phenomenon, so I can also understand if some men just had no way of knowing how their partners would feel about it.

For those who are really addicted to porn (of which I'm sure there are a few), I wish you all the best. For those who aren't really addicted to porn but are trying to quit because you feel that porn is morally wrong, or because your penis doesn't always get rock hard, or because your partner believes you should never look at and fantasize about other people, I still wish you all the best, but maybe it's a good time to ask yourself some hard questions. 1) Why is porn morally wrong, is anyone really getting hurt? 2) Is it reasonable to expect a raging erection every time?. Of course there is unfortunately too much porn out there that actually is produced at the expense of the performers, and I'd like to see a lot of change here, but filming sexual expression does not have to be exploitative. The industry isn't going away so we might as well fight to make it better.

For those who aren't really addicted to porn but you don't see eye to eye with your partner, you need marriage counselling, and you need to realize that you aren't a bad person just because you might hold a different viewpoint. If you allow your partner to go through your search history, and bully you into submission while you resent them for it, you aren't going to get a positive outcome. The same goes if you allow your partner to lie and deceive you at every turn, you aren't going to be happy playing babysitter.

Some people might say I'm a hypocrite in that I am not against porn but I wouldn't want my daughter (or son) to be a porn star. You know, you're right to some degree. I wouldn't want anyone I love to get wound up in the porn industry in it's current state. It doesn't have to be that way though and we have the power to vote with our penises :) Support porn that is produced without harming people, where they are treated like human beings. I can honestly say that if the porn industry weren't as bad as it is, I would support my son or daughter in anything they believe is right for them, as long as they are not in an abusive situation.

Farewell to all, and I'll leave you with an interesting perspective on all of this that could be very helpful for young guys who are dealing with a lot of shame surrounding porn use:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9cdhP7Ys_Q
« Last Edit: April 15, 2017, 11:42:58 AM by Robert1 »

TK-421

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2017, 11:45:33 PM »
That's a good summary of all of the rationalizations and justifications I've used over the years. Sorry if that comes off as flippant, but my often heartbreaking experience tells me that that it is not possible for me to be a casual porn user. If you are able to pull it off, have fun!

TK
I never use porn or masturbate Now.  I am in charge of my life.

Robert1

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2017, 03:40:25 AM »
That's a good summary of all of the rationalizations and justifications I've used over the years. Sorry if that comes off as flippant, but my often heartbreaking experience tells me that that it is not possible for me to be a casual porn user. If you are able to pull it off, have fun!

TK

Fair enough, you have to figure out what porn (or any other activity) is bringing to your life for yourself. Just wanted to make it clear that there is nothing to be ashamed of, shame doesn't help in addiction recovery anyways.

AppleJack

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2017, 12:22:48 AM »
This guy is a troll, he keeps turning up here under different names and trying different tactics.

Robert1

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2017, 11:37:53 AM »
This guy is a troll, he keeps turning up here under different names and trying different tactics.

Reported. Entirely unwarranted and unacceptable, I'm not sure why you would think name calling is okay.
Expressing a different viewpoint from your own is not "trolling", it's having a discussion, something best engaged in by reasonable, respectful adults.

Numez

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2017, 05:39:05 PM »
Support porn that is produced without harming people, where they are treated like human beings.

WHAT?? THE FUCK?

are you serious?? you are coming to forum full of porn addicts, full of people that cant get it up, full of people that dont have energy and motivation to live more fully because of physical changes on the brain that heavy porn use is causing and you are trying to tell us to support porn?????

what is your thinking?

The industry isn't going away so we might as well fight to make it better.

WE SHOULD FIGHT TO MAKE PORN BETTER? its like coming to heroin addiction recovery center and saying lets fight for purer heroin on the streets!! why are you even here?

i cant make you leave, but this is really the last place you should be in.

Big H

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2017, 05:54:02 PM »
Is this the person that was pushing for sex dolls?

Robert1

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #7 on: April 15, 2017, 06:57:52 PM »
Support porn that is produced without harming people, where they are treated like human beings.

WHAT?? THE FUCK?

are you serious?? you are coming to forum full of porn addicts, full of people that cant get it up, full of people that dont have energy and motivation to live more fully because of physical changes on the brain that heavy porn use is causing and you are trying to tell us to support porn?????

what is your thinking?

The industry isn't going away so we might as well fight to make it better.

WE SHOULD FIGHT TO MAKE PORN BETTER? its like coming to heroin addiction recovery center and saying lets fight for purer heroin on the streets!! why are you even here?

i cant make you leave, but this is really the last place you should be in.

I don't believe for a minute this forum is full of porn addicts. This forum is full of young men who are ashamed of their sexuality, blaming porn for their performance anxiety, and garnering unrealistic expectations of what is and isn't erectile dysfunction from porn. A lot of the porn on the market is not a realistic representation of sex. If there is one thing I agree with, it's that the porn industry could use some improvement in many areas.

The idea that some people that come here aren't porn addicts is never mentioned on this site. It's as though all of life's problems can be solved by stopping porn. I figured it was time to inject a reality check into this cult, do with this as you will ;)

Robert1

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #8 on: April 15, 2017, 06:58:27 PM »
Is this the person that was pushing for sex dolls?

WTF? My wife will do just fine thanks :D

Numez

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #9 on: April 15, 2017, 07:39:52 PM »
@Robert1

you dont believe that this forum is full of porn addicts??? like... WHAT?  this cant be....

AppleJack

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #10 on: April 16, 2017, 02:05:00 AM »
The guy use to post as ytrewq and that time he was claiming to be a woman and harrassing the partner section, and yes he's the same one that pushed the sex dolls. It's more than likely he will turn up under another name soon as it's my understanding he had other guises before the ytrewq one as well. Why he hasn't been blocked more permanently I dunno, he's no help to anyone on this site whatsoever.

Big H

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #11 on: April 16, 2017, 06:54:06 PM »
"Farewell" Um so why haven't you pissed off yet? You said farewell so why are you still here? Are you afraid that Gary Wilson will take your cummies away? Also Gary Wilson intellectually curb stomped you in this thread http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=12844.0 it was hilarious.

Numez

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #12 on: April 16, 2017, 09:11:28 PM »
curb stumped  ;D LOL i think gary wilson intellectually forced him to delete his account  ;D he got himself against too much evidence to the contrary of his false beliefs, he is gone

im glad that gary wrote those posts for all of us to read and also for newcomers who can be confused by guys like robert. such people should not be allowed around here and gary handled him pretty well. hahaha it was funny too  ;D
« Last Edit: April 16, 2017, 09:13:34 PM by Nikola Numez »

Death Trap

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2017, 07:32:38 AM »
Yeah, that takedown by Gary Wilson Himself was brutal. I find it hard to believe that Robert was a troll, since I had some rather in depth interactions with him.

aquarius25

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #14 on: April 17, 2017, 10:04:20 AM »
He has been on here for a while. My first experience with him he was Nwaltred. Once a while back he referenced another site where he was part of a community of men who were trying to get men to see the oppression the feminist movement was putting on men today. Very alt-right attitude. He even used one of my comments in the partners forum and copied it to their other site. They were breaking down how to talk to men about the problem and what to say to feminists. It was very manipulative and offensive at leas to me. It drove a lot of the women away from the site because frankly they didn't feel safe. Now I want to be clear. I am not alt-right but I do appreciate living in a place where people are allowed to have their own beliefs and express them. I think he is completely entitled to expressing his thoughts. They stir conversation and seeing and hearing different perspectives is good, at least that is my belief. What is not good is bullying, and pushing your opinion on to other in a less than respectful way. That I believe is where he tend to cross the line. I hope that someday he can learn to express himself more respectfully because it is always good to hear other perspectives in life. Its part of how we grow and learn. But coming to a place where people are working hard at an addiction and trying to convince them the behavior is ok, that is hurtful.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2017, 07:02:32 PM by aquarius25 »

Death Trap

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #15 on: April 17, 2017, 10:42:55 AM »
^That is quite interesting. I could see that he was right wing, but I didn't quite gather from my interactions with him that he was part of alt-right ideology. I thought his contempt for his own daughter's goals in life to be rather in line with the traditional American father's. I have to admit that I find it incredibly disgusting when members of a dominant social group regard the progress of traditionally oppressed ones as an encroachment on their space (although it is quite amusing to reflect on where these really weak-minded ideas come from).

Big H

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #16 on: April 17, 2017, 04:37:22 PM »
I was arguing with MRA's or MGTOW's or whatever the hell you call them. It's like they've never heard people looked at porn out of curiosity then could never stop because they were hooked. They think men look at porn because real women are evil. Porn is always somehow innocent. It's like saying that a poison pill is innocent because the guy who took it had suicidal thoughts. It doesn't matter the reason for it. It will always be harmful regardless of motivation.

Death Trap

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #17 on: April 17, 2017, 05:08:34 PM »
That's pretty much exactly how I feel. And the other problem with going to porn, for some guys at least, is that it might further entrench them into a misogynistic mindset. Not to mention the racist stereotypes one encounters in porn--why the fuck would any sane person want to look at such garbage?

And, on another level, even if you're simply using porn because you want "to go it alone" as a man, you still get the negative physical and mental repercussions from regular use, which aren't that fun to deal with.

This all becomes much clearer when you abstain from it for any significant period of time.

Gracie

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Re: False Alarm! and Farewell :)
« Reply #18 on: April 17, 2017, 07:32:18 PM »
Just a quick answer about banning trolls.  We, as moderators can't always spot them right away.  We moderators have jobs and families and one eight hour span with a troll can have huge negative effects on any of the threads.  And sometimes they use many names the Nwaltred had used about 5 different names and may be playing nice and using a new name even as we write these responses.  And Aquarius is right he harmed a number of the women in the partner section by re-posting their comments in a derogatory way.  So it is important for all of us to remember we are responsible to keep the this as a place we can post and support each other expressing our ideas and advice without harm.  If you report a post or poster please tell me which forum it is in that will help.  Thanks to you all that are members here.