Author Topic: Orbiters Journal of Recovery  (Read 29327 times)

Phineas 808

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 519
  • Personal Text
    Urges may come and go, but free-won't is forever!
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #450 on: March 27, 2021, 10:02:16 AM »
Congrats on 19 days and beyond, Orbiter!

You're doing great, especially with dismissing urges.

I can totally relate to this empty feeling, and the low, low mood you're in. This is the challenge for me, right now, too. To confront the lingering needs, the deeper spiritual and emotional needs that P/MO used to mask and medicate as best it could (albeit, creating it's own cycle of negative feelings).

We can do this: not only change our habits, but also the why of our former behaviors.

Orbiter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 454
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #451 on: March 28, 2021, 02:36:35 AM »
Congrats on 19 days and beyond, Orbiter!

You're doing great, especially with dismissing urges.

I can totally relate to this empty feeling, and the low, low mood you're in. This is the challenge for me, right now, too. To confront the lingering needs, the deeper spiritual and emotional needs that P/MO used to mask and medicate as best it could (albeit, creating it's own cycle of negative feelings).

We can do this: not only change our habits, but also the why of our former behaviors.

Thanks Phineas,

Day 21...to Day 0

Unfortunately I have to report I was tempted in a moment of weakness by some suggestive Youtube videos and reached the point where I made the choice to intentionally PMO to some soft core pictures on the photography website I was having troubles with. I feel that is less severe than videos/hardcore material but I must not diminish the fact that I made a poor choice and chose to PMO, breaking the deal with myself that porn is no longer an option.

I think I became overly reliant on this agreement that I made to myself and was perhaps neglecting some of the other habits I have used in the past to get through difficult times.

So I made a poor choice in response to temptation and had a lapse. This choice can't be undone so I need to focus on what I can do. I have another choice to make which is whether I let this lapse turn into a relapse into the regular cycle of PMO. The urge is present right now as i'm typing this but I need to remember I have a choice in this.

So today I recommit to myself that porn is no longer an option. I will be more vigilant in future with excessive computer usage, aimless Youtube scrolling and activities that have historically been the first step to temptation. A balanced approach to this combined with my previous commitment I feel is a strong way forward.

Wishing you all well in your recovery today.

Phineas 808

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 519
  • Personal Text
    Urges may come and go, but free-won't is forever!
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #452 on: March 28, 2021, 11:29:32 AM »
Good run on 21 days, Orbiter! Sorry for your lapse...

To recommit with the same kind of strength as before, despite the lapse, is to keep in mind that now I am a man who does not use porn.

Always default to 'now'- despite yesterday, because 'now' is who you really are, the man who wants to change, to be different. Instead of re-lapse, we re-commit.

You're doing it, brother. 

Orbiter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 454
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #453 on: March 29, 2021, 03:31:36 PM »
Thanks for the support Phineas. Your support & observations are very helpful and very relevant to how I have been feeling since. Impeccable advice as always!

Day 2 today

Feeling as I usually feel on day 2. I took some time yesterday to meditate on some of the thoughts that were going through my head after the lapse the previous day. The highest amongst these was:

      * Memories of the last picture I saw and if I went back and PMOed one last time I could just recommit tomorrow

      * How dissapointing it was throwing away progress & having to start from scratch i.e typical AVE thoughts

      * Whether my commitment was really as strong as I thought it was. Am I capable of ever comitting strong enough? Will I ever do this etc.

Typical mixture of desire and disappointment that would usually lead to a streak of bingeing until I am so depleted I have to recommit. My answers to these thoughts were

      * The picture isn't special and the thirst for novelty will mean that it will soon not be enough anyway and i'll get stuck in the same
         downward spiral of addiction. If I resist the image TODAY, the day after that etc. then I will have resisted a strong urge which will
         weaken the addiction and put me a few steps towards the direction of recovery. If I give in, I will binge and go several steps in the
         WRONG direction towards addiction.

         Urges are just urges. They can't kill us. Some are trickier than others but at the end of the day, it's all just urges because that's
         the only thing the addiction can throw at us.

      * If it doesn't go beyond one mild lapse to pictures + the suggestive Youtube videos before and I have the strength to carry on, I will
         have proven I am stronger than before. Plus I will be most likely back on track in a few days chaser/head-wise anyway.

      * This goes to what you said Phineas about defaulting to 'now'. Yesterday is yesterday and the difference between a lapse and giving in
         to a full relapse is remember that 'now' we will recommit. It is the difference between seeing ourselves as 'people quitting PMO' to
         'people who have quit pmo' i.e people who PMO is no longer an option to.

So today as yesterday, I recommit to this and remember that regardless of what the day has in store for me and no matter how or what I do to deal with it, porn is no longer an option.

Phineas 808

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 519
  • Personal Text
    Urges may come and go, but free-won't is forever!
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #454 on: March 29, 2021, 04:59:26 PM »
Awesome thoughts, Orbiter!

Walking with you.

imsorrynotsorry

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 386
    • View Profile
    • My Journal
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #455 on: March 30, 2021, 01:21:42 PM »
Hey Orbiter,

i'm suggesting a different perspective on things.

You did a very good streak and that is prove that you can manage. Still, we are addicts and in the early stage of a reboot the symptoms are very strong to make us relapse. It's not that you were "not strong enough" - absolutely not. You have been sooo strong to really quit it for a respectable number of days and then relapsed. So, take your strength and tackle it again and i'm sure you can.

In comparison to our early addiction days, we have been using PMO every day and now we fight it every day. If you PMO 10 times in 365 days it's way better than 365 of 365 days, right? Remember the days we you have been free of it and take those days as your motivation.

take care
Imsor
My Journal, my friend

Patreon Site of Gabe Deem and RN
Feel free to support him. It helps him, you and us on RN.

Orbiter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 454
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #456 on: March 31, 2021, 06:28:48 AM »
Thanks Phineas!

Hey Imsor, good point! It's easy to fall into such all or nothing mindsets. I think I am still finding the right balance between that and staying accountable to myself for my choices. That said i'm not planning on relapsing anytime soon so with any luck it won't be too much of an issue in the immediate future (or at all).

Day 3 today.

It's late here, work has been exhausting this week and i'm feeling quite tired so this post will be a short one just to update on how I managed those thoughts mentioned in the last post.

Firstly the image I was thinking about is fast fading from my mind. The addict brain tells us we will obsess over it for days and days until we relapse so why bother trying, but it does fade. Also the 'milder' the lapse, the stronger the temptation to have 'one more' but I have not fallen into this trap. I hope this will be a reminder to my future self if there are any lapses in the future to not worry. Any lingering images or thoughts such as this are pure chaser and will pass in a few days. I have never regretted not PMO-ing.

I feel very tired and very low today still but I am already kind of returning to a better state of mind after the lapse. Urges beyond that first day have been little to non-existent. I am being cautiously satisfied that I have not fallen into the trap of relapsing into the old habits temporarily as I usually do. Each day knowing this feels a little bit better.

What was 'yesterday' is now 3 days ago and fading into the distance. Today gave new opportunities and so will tomorrow.

Wishing you all well on your journeys today.

Orbiter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 454
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #457 on: April 02, 2021, 10:43:01 PM »
Day 6 to Day 0

I MOed once yesterday. I was tired, hungover and was only semi erect. Very unsatisfying.

PMOed twice to hardcore videos today.

I would classify this as a relapse as this is a return to the addict pattern of behaviour

I actually had difficulty getting hard even to PMO which is concerning.

The question I have is why did I do it? I feel I am at the point where I actually don't like it. So what is it about PMO that makes me return to it? What need is it fulfilling that I would return to it despite everything? What am I missing here...

escapeandnevercomeback

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 200
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #458 on: April 03, 2021, 02:42:23 AM »
Day 6 to Day 0

I MOed once yesterday. I was tired, hungover and was only semi erect. Very unsatisfying.

PMOed twice to hardcore videos today.

I would classify this as a relapse as this is a return to the addict pattern of behaviour

I actually had difficulty getting hard even to PMO which is concerning.

The question I have is why did I do it? I feel I am at the point where I actually don't like it. So what is it about PMO that makes me return to it? What need is it fulfilling that I would return to it despite everything? What am I missing here...

That's right, that's a question we all have to answer: Why do I use porn so much? Is it only a matter of conditioning my brain or "medicating" a deeper thing that I'm not aware of?

In my case it's simple: I've been "medicating" myself since I was 7. A quick memory journey through my life will confirm all the reasons why.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2021, 05:09:42 AM by escapeandnevercomeback »

imsorrynotsorry

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 386
    • View Profile
    • My Journal
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #459 on: April 03, 2021, 06:49:07 AM »
Hey Orbiter,

Quote
I actually had difficulty getting hard even to PMO which is concerning.
This is a result of porn use. The stimulus is not enough anymore.

Quote
The question I have is why did I do it?
Maybe it felt just like the right thing to do? The brain telling you that you need PMO? And no signs of doubt before it? Then you did it just because the addiction told you to. It needs a period of no-PMO in which the symptoms weaken. I say there is a good chance after 21-90 days.

Get back up when you feel ready again. No rush.

Imsor
My Journal, my friend

Patreon Site of Gabe Deem and RN
Feel free to support him. It helps him, you and us on RN.

Orbiter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 454
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #460 on: April 06, 2021, 04:04:35 PM »
Day 3 today as I relapsed twice after I last posted.

Hey Imsor, thanks for dropping by.

Re the difficulty getting hard, it seems it's either the case of me relapsing at the beginning of a flatline or, if you are correct, the symptoms & addiction are actually getting WORSE despite the work I have been doing or days i've been clean. That is a depressing thought.

You're right in that there clearly needs to be a number of clean days for the addiction to weaken. 7 days here, 3 days there, 14 days here, 21 days there etc. clearly is not enough to make a difference and even one relapse right now has a profound effect. The MO-ing last time around clearly did not help either and I will have to stop that for a period. Unfortunate as it is my only sexual outlet.

So if we assume that the cause for the relapse is that the addiction has become too strong, clearly what needs to occur is a long, sustained streak of days clean to weaken the hold it has over my brain.

It seems I am unable to do this at this point. Do I simply dust myself off and try again or do I need to stop and consider why?

A common narrative I have noticed reading the journal of rebooters more successful than myself on this forum is they often seem to have families, partners or generally are in situations in life where they have quite an active life that, through rebooting, they gradually 'rediscover' over the course of their time being clean. They have this life that they are neglecting as a result of their addiction and reconnecting with it becomes it's own reward.

I feel like this is not the case with my own. It is despite my efforts over the years, quite empty in many respects. There is no GF, wife or partner to devote my attention to, there is no family waiting for me to spend time with them. There is no strong career or creative/musical happenings that are awaiting my attention & focus.

What the addiction has robbed me of is the promise of this.

It sometimes feels like there's nothing tangible to look forward to on the other side of recovery. Perhaps this is why it's so easy in times of stress, depression & fatigue to, in a crucial moment, simply give up and relapse yet again, try again tomorrow etc.

Granted I think there is a 'chicken-egg' element to this in that the addiction, as well as close to a decade trying and failing to recover from it, has meant I have not addressed any of this this and perhaps i've been stuck on 'recovery-ism' and procrastinating on improving other things.

I was quite tired after work yesterday. I got home and lay in bed. While there, there was an overwhelming urge to get the laptop and waste a couple of hours watching Youtube (which would probably lead to a relapse). I did not do so but I think this highlights a problem of my recovery which is - even without PMO I am still living the same life & repeating the same bad habits & cycles that I was an addict. Most people at my age would not even have the time for such a situation.

If there is no life for me to reconnect with, I have to create one.

Part of this I think is I have to make some changes to my routine and lifestyle. The first change is I have started getting up an hour earlier & going to bed an hour earlier. I am using the extra uninterrupted time in the morning to get all of my internet & journaling things out of the way as well as fit in some exercise. If I can get some of these things out of the way in the morning and begin the day with some positive momentum, i'm hoping this will free up the latter part of my day to socializing & engaging with new activities & routines in ways I haven't in the past.

Porn is most definitely NOT an option to me. The different is, in my case at least, I think there are some other changes that need to occur so I can meaningfully stand behind that commitment.

Phineas 808

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 519
  • Personal Text
    Urges may come and go, but free-won't is forever!
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #461 on: April 07, 2021, 10:11:48 AM »
Hi, Orbiter!

If I may interject my thoughts in what you say above here:

I think that for you here the focus needs to be on ending the habit itself, and not to worry so much about the physical effects of it (erection-related, or flatline). Once you start reaching lengthier streaks (and you will!), than you can start noticing the physiological benefits. For now, simply worry (so to speak) about ending the habit itself.

In other words, don't get too down on the physical (symptoms 'getting worse'), they're simply the result of what you're trying to change, and should rather motivate you. But bottom line: you're doing something about it!

Keep at it, keep stringing together longer and longer streaks! But remember, any day without P/MO is a good day! Celebrate your streaks, even if they're only 3 days, 10 days, 5 days- but notice your patterns and modify your plan accordingly.

I would include MO with PMO as being the same thing in your efforts to quit. In my opinion, porn is just an elaboration on MO anyway.

Quote
A common narrative I have noticed reading the journal of rebooters more successful than myself on this forum is they often seem to have families, partners or generally are in situations in life where they have quite an active life that, through rebooting, they gradually 'rediscover' over the course of their time being clean. They have this life that they are neglecting as a result of their addiction and reconnecting with it becomes it's own reward.

I feel like this is not the case with my own. It is despite my efforts over the years, quite empty in many respects. There is no GF, wife or partner to devote my attention to, there is no family waiting for me to spend time with them. There is no strong career or creative/musical happenings that are awaiting my attention & focus.

What the addiction has robbed me of is the promise of this.

I disagree, not with your observation, but with your interpretation of it. In my early 20's (back in the late 80's!), I had a habit of MO, and this contradicted my morals and principles. I lived alone, had no carreer, and had no wife or gf, and yet- with much prayer along with many attempts and failures, I finally defeated that addiction. Long story about how I fell into P/MO a year later, but I think the point stands...

Your wonderful and awesome life is twofold, first and foremost- yourself now! And secondly, who you are wanting to become in the future, your future-self! This future self may have your wife, your gf, and some exciting carreer or hobby, or life-mission, but it is toward yourself that you must do this now.

I just want to encourage you to not give up trying, no matter how consistent or inconsistent it looks. Keep stringing those lengthy streaks together, and the more you do this, the more you alter your habit and change your life.

Orbiter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 454
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #462 on: April 07, 2021, 04:31:17 PM »
Day 4 today

Low on energy & mood (I feel like I say this so often I should put it in my sig) but otherwise not too bad.

Getting up earlier has taken some adjustment but I feel it has been beneficial for me so far and frames the day I feel in a different way. In getting all the 'necessary' computer tasks out of the way in the morning, it frees the day for other pursuits and crosses off another excuse to use the computer during periods of difficulty & temptation (late at night, in bed, bored, tired, down etc.). This stacked with the cold showers and exercise is giving me a better focus to the start of the day.

The downside is I am getting noticeably more tired during the middle of the day. I am hopeful this will change as my body adjusts.

Hi, Orbiter!

If I may interject my thoughts in what you say above here:

I think that for you here the focus needs to be on ending the habit itself, and not to worry so much about the physical effects of it (erection-related, or flatline). Once you start reaching lengthier streaks (and you will!), than you can start noticing the physiological benefits. For now, simply worry (so to speak) about ending the habit itself.

In other words, don't get too down on the physical (symptoms 'getting worse'), they're simply the result of what you're trying to change, and should rather motivate you. But bottom line: you're doing something about it!

Keep at it, keep stringing together longer and longer streaks! But remember, any day without P/MO is a good day! Celebrate your streaks, even if they're only 3 days, 10 days, 5 days- but notice your patterns and modify your plan accordingly.

Hi Phineas,

This is indeed all true, and it comes back to a point on focus that was discussed a few posts back. It's too 'outcome dependent' and there are too many reasons to fail if beating physiological symptoms is the primary motivation.

I think the impatience and focus on progress in my recent posting comes from a place of frustration & disappointment. It can feel confusing & somewhat maddening at times when I realise how many years of my life i've put into this and it's still such a big problem. Even sometimes seeing the number of pages my journal has compared to the others feels almost embarrassing.

This is something I need to let go though. Comparisons are faulty and prone to our own weird emotional biases, nothing productive ever came from comparisons or worse still, jealousy & envy. My journey is unique and relative to itself.

I also need to learn to not forget good advice i've given myself or been given in the past. I feel sometimes there's a somewhat circular nature of forgetting & repeating the same lessons again & again which I am prone to.


I would include MO with PMO as being the same thing in your efforts to quit. In my opinion, porn is just an elaboration on MO anyway.

You're right and, honestly, I should know better by now than to attempt this while MO-ing. Maybe it's the whisper of the addiction that says to me it won't lead to relapse or hurt progress but particularly with the physical symptoms, MO-ing only delays progress & leads to feelings of disappointment & resignation when things don't physically work as well as they should.


Quote
A common narrative I have noticed reading the journal of rebooters more successful than myself on this forum is they often seem to have families, partners or generally are in situations in life where they have quite an active life that, through rebooting, they gradually 'rediscover' over the course of their time being clean. They have this life that they are neglecting as a result of their addiction and reconnecting with it becomes it's own reward.

I feel like this is not the case with my own. It is despite my efforts over the years, quite empty in many respects. There is no GF, wife or partner to devote my attention to, there is no family waiting for me to spend time with them. There is no strong career or creative/musical happenings that are awaiting my attention & focus.

What the addiction has robbed me of is the promise of this.

I disagree, not with your observation, but with your interpretation of it. In my early 20's (back in the late 80's!), I had a habit of MO, and this contradicted my morals and principles. I lived alone, had no carreer, and had no wife or gf, and yet- with much prayer along with many attempts and failures, I finally defeated that addiction. Long story about how I fell into P/MO a year later, but I think the point stands...

Your wonderful and awesome life is twofold, first and foremost- yourself now! And secondly, who you are wanting to become in the future, your future-self! This future self may have your wife, your gf, and some exciting carreer or hobby, or life-mission, but it is toward yourself that you must do this now.

I just want to encourage you to not give up trying, no matter how consistent or inconsistent it looks. Keep stringing those lengthy streaks together, and the more you do this, the more you alter your habit and change your life.

A poignant observation & a good way to frame the dilemma.

Thanks for your thoughtful contributions as always Phineas.

Phineas 808

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 519
  • Personal Text
    Urges may come and go, but free-won't is forever!
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #463 on: April 08, 2021, 08:39:37 AM »
You're welcome, Orbiter!

Yes, comparisons are often an untrue representation of the situation, and your journey is your own.

Who cares how many pages this may take, as it simply means that you're more engaged perhaps than others...? Some have far more pages than yours, too! But this, too, is a faulty indication of progress or the lack thereof.

For most, it's good to post often- perhaps daily, especially as it keeps one focused.

For myself, the lesser amount of pages simply means that my strategy is to disengage and simply live my life. I want my posts to have specific purpose and meaning toward my, or other's success. During my current probationary period, I'm on a little more, as its simply what I feel I need to do for now...

Some are perhaps not engaged enough, while for others one wonders, 'Why haven't they moved on yet?' - as they clearly have success??

But to each their own, and it's their own journal. If at the end of your journey it's 65 pages, that's your business!

Be well.

Orbiter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 454
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #464 on: April 08, 2021, 05:05:32 PM »
You're welcome, Orbiter!

Yes, comparisons are often an untrue representation of the situation, and your journey is your own.

Who cares how many pages this may take, as it simply means that you're more engaged perhaps than others...? Some have far more pages than yours, too! But this, too, is a faulty indication of progress or the lack thereof.

For most, it's good to post often- perhaps daily, especially as it keeps one focused.

For myself, the lesser amount of pages simply means that my strategy is to disengage and simply live my life. I want my posts to have specific purpose and meaning toward my, or other's success. During my current probationary period, I'm on a little more, as its simply what I feel I need to do for now...

Some are perhaps not engaged enough, while for others one wonders, 'Why haven't they moved on yet?' - as they clearly have success??

But to each their own, and it's their own journal. If at the end of your journey it's 65 pages, that's your business!

Be well.

Agreed totally! Comparisons & my tendency to do so are actually something i've been working on with my psychologist. Unfortunately there's no appointment this week like I expected so I guess I will be reflecting on it here or solo this week.

What I worry about sometimes is that the repetitive nature of my relapsing is an indicator I am not making any real progress. Like the reason this journal is the size is it is because i'm blindly repeating the same mistake and the length is evidence of lack of progress due to some 'eureka' moment that hasn't happened or recognizing some faulty emotional or thought mechanism I haven't figured out.

I do think though, at least at the stage I am at, an individual should be still posting daily at the very least for accountability. Until May last year, a lot of my journal has had only sporadic entries throughout the years and that lack of consistent focus & dedication in those periods may have had a big part in leading me back to a place of significant addiction at the end of 2017 and again near the end of 2018 & much of 2019.

Thinking of it that way (which I haven't really until today) my addiction might have actually escalated in some respects over those recent few years.

Perhaps it's time I need to forget about the 'failures' and 'successes' of the past and approach this not as some 'veteran recovery-ist' but as someone at the very beginning. Someone at day 1 at the beginning of the journey to a better future.

Thanks for the feedback Phineas. Wishing you well!

Orbiter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 454
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #465 on: April 08, 2021, 05:37:35 PM »
Day 5 today

Mood & energy still the same though I feel that may be more due to a tiring week and readjusting my sleeping/waking hours than anything recovery related. Won't go on about it too much either way as it is what it is and I suspect that focusing too much on it can be the beginnings of the lower brain collecting relapse justifications & excuses.

I will be busy most of this weekend. The potential day of danger might be on Sunday which I feel I will be quite tired and need to rest much of the day. I will have to consider how I handle that day. It might be a good day to have a low-key catch up with someone or get a list of tasks together to take care of around the home.

An overall thought in my journal & my recovery is i've been feeling it lacks structure. I am making this commitment which is all well and good and I endeavor to learn from every lapse/relapse/mistake which is also good but perhaps I need to set something like I will (for example):

 * Journal Daily
 * Complete ??? mins of exercise
 * Wake up earlier in the morning to get the essential computer tasks & journaling out of the way
 * Reward myself with something at the end of day 7, 14, 21, 28 etc. etc.

I also wonder if, along with my reflections, I should make my journaling more structured with a simple but regular daily section. Something like a simple:

 * Things today that went well
 * Things today that could be improved etc.

I'm aware I have done things like this before and in some respects they worked and in others they have not worked but maybe it was the way I was going about them that was wrong rather than the overall idea. I would need to resist the urge to over complicate something like this but perhaps some additional structure along with what i'm doing at the moment might be beneficial to keeping me 'on track' as it were during more difficult periods during the initial days/weeks of recovery.

Perhaps some google searching on potential journaling ideas is in order for this morning.

Orbiter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 454
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #466 on: April 09, 2021, 07:40:22 PM »
Day 6 today

Very tired & unmotivated today. I actually have a fair few semi-urgent tasks I need to get done today but it's just a struggle to find the motivation. I'm not exactly sure what you would call this state of mind but I have experienced it enough to identify that I often experience it on days I 'give up' and fall into a cycle relapse.

Time to put the laptop away for the day I think.

Orbiter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 454
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #467 on: April 09, 2021, 09:03:57 PM »
And I relapsed

Phineas 808

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 519
  • Personal Text
    Urges may come and go, but free-won't is forever!
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #468 on: April 10, 2021, 10:14:51 AM »
Hey Orbiter,

I'm grateful that you're able to recognize that demotivated state as a precursor to a lapse or relapse.

Assess what led to this state of no motivation, and how you can turn it around in the future.

Looking forward to your renewed focus, and any necessary tweeks to your plan.

You got this! You're learning what's working and what's not working in your approach.

Orbiter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 454
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #469 on: April 11, 2021, 04:26:18 AM »
Day 0 today.

Hi Phineas,

Definitely a relapse in this case i'm afraid as it's been a string of binges over today & yesterday. I was quite surprised at how depressed a lot of the material I watched left me. Perhaps it's just the odd state of mind i'm in but it just felt really sad, empty & fake to me.

I've been in a dark, depressive state of mind for the last two days. It started out as being mainly exhausted from a draining & difficult working week but then I started feeling this wave of extreme emptiness & loneliness hit me yesterday. I could barely bring myself to even eat, I spent most of the day trying to get myself out of bed. I was thinking A LOT about my ex and went down a surprising & extremely unhealthy rabbit hole of trying to search the net for any social media stuff about her in between relapses.

I don't know exactly what came over me but I've just been feeling so bad about everything and extremely lonely. The loneliness has really shocked me as I am usually quite comfortable being solitary and rarely experience feelings of even mild loneliness.

I feel like this week has not been a good week. I'd say I just want it to end but i'm also kind of worried about the week to come being just as bad.

I realise there is a lot here to unpack and this might not be the most constructive of posts but I really had to put this up somewhere.

Phineas 808

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 519
  • Personal Text
    Urges may come and go, but free-won't is forever!
    • View Profile
Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #470 on: April 11, 2021, 10:32:48 AM »
I'm glad, Orbiter, that you have this outlet, and am grateful if I can be of service!

What you described- not to be a narcissist- reminded me of how I was feeling, even as I tried celebrating my goal being met! At that time I was feeling very lonely about that friend I've mentioned, and was going through FB, not to connect with her- as hse doesn't even have an account, but to make an emotional connection with someone- and this while I was smoking my cigar to celebrate my goal being met! But I also knew that these feelings could try and lead me back to my former habits...
 
It sounds to me like these binges are resultant to inner cues coming from a deeper emotional place. Forgive me if I'm only stating the obvious.

What can you do, or what have you done (besides P/MO) in the past to deal with these emotional states? What can you do to incorporate a helpful and healthy response (or non-response) to these emotions when they arise in the future, so as to not turn to the unwanted habits?

Walking with you.
« Last Edit: April 11, 2021, 10:36:18 AM by Phineas 808 »