Congrats on 19 days and beyond, Orbiter!You're doing great, especially with dismissing urges.I can totally relate to this empty feeling, and the low, low mood you're in. This is the challenge for me, right now, too. To confront the lingering needs, the deeper spiritual and emotional needs that P/MO used to mask and medicate as best it could (albeit, creating it's own cycle of negative feelings).We can do this: not only change our habits, but also the why of our former behaviors.
Day 6 to Day 0I MOed once yesterday. I was tired, hungover and was only semi erect. Very unsatisfying.PMOed twice to hardcore videos today. I would classify this as a relapse as this is a return to the addict pattern of behaviourI actually had difficulty getting hard even to PMO which is concerning.The question I have is why did I do it? I feel I am at the point where I actually don't like it. So what is it about PMO that makes me return to it? What need is it fulfilling that I would return to it despite everything? What am I missing here...
I actually had difficulty getting hard even to PMO which is concerning.
The question I have is why did I do it?
A common narrative I have noticed reading the journal of rebooters more successful than myself on this forum is they often seem to have families, partners or generally are in situations in life where they have quite an active life that, through rebooting, they gradually 'rediscover' over the course of their time being clean. They have this life that they are neglecting as a result of their addiction and reconnecting with it becomes it's own reward.I feel like this is not the case with my own. It is despite my efforts over the years, quite empty in many respects. There is no GF, wife or partner to devote my attention to, there is no family waiting for me to spend time with them. There is no strong career or creative/musical happenings that are awaiting my attention & focus.What the addiction has robbed me of is the promise of this.
Hi, Orbiter!If I may interject my thoughts in what you say above here:I think that for you here the focus needs to be on ending the habit itself, and not to worry so much about the physical effects of it (erection-related, or flatline). Once you start reaching lengthier streaks (and you will!), than you can start noticing the physiological benefits. For now, simply worry (so to speak) about ending the habit itself.In other words, don't get too down on the physical (symptoms 'getting worse'), they're simply the result of what you're trying to change, and should rather motivate you. But bottom line: you're doing something about it!Keep at it, keep stringing together longer and longer streaks! But remember, any day without P/MO is a good day! Celebrate your streaks, even if they're only 3 days, 10 days, 5 days- but notice your patterns and modify your plan accordingly.
I would include MO with PMO as being the same thing in your efforts to quit. In my opinion, porn is just an elaboration on MO anyway.
QuoteA common narrative I have noticed reading the journal of rebooters more successful than myself on this forum is they often seem to have families, partners or generally are in situations in life where they have quite an active life that, through rebooting, they gradually 'rediscover' over the course of their time being clean. They have this life that they are neglecting as a result of their addiction and reconnecting with it becomes it's own reward.I feel like this is not the case with my own. It is despite my efforts over the years, quite empty in many respects. There is no GF, wife or partner to devote my attention to, there is no family waiting for me to spend time with them. There is no strong career or creative/musical happenings that are awaiting my attention & focus.What the addiction has robbed me of is the promise of this.I disagree, not with your observation, but with your interpretation of it. In my early 20's (back in the late 80's!), I had a habit of MO, and this contradicted my morals and principles. I lived alone, had no carreer, and had no wife or gf, and yet- with much prayer along with many attempts and failures, I finally defeated that addiction. Long story about how I fell into P/MO a year later, but I think the point stands...Your wonderful and awesome life is twofold, first and foremost- yourself now! And secondly, who you are wanting to become in the future, your future-self! This future self may have your wife, your gf, and some exciting carreer or hobby, or life-mission, but it is toward yourself that you must do this now.I just want to encourage you to not give up trying, no matter how consistent or inconsistent it looks. Keep stringing those lengthy streaks together, and the more you do this, the more you alter your habit and change your life.
You're welcome, Orbiter!Yes, comparisons are often an untrue representation of the situation, and your journey is your own.Who cares how many pages this may take, as it simply means that you're more engaged perhaps than others...? Some have far more pages than yours, too! But this, too, is a faulty indication of progress or the lack thereof.For most, it's good to post often- perhaps daily, especially as it keeps one focused.For myself, the lesser amount of pages simply means that my strategy is to disengage and simply live my life. I want my posts to have specific purpose and meaning toward my, or other's success. During my current probationary period, I'm on a little more, as its simply what I feel I need to do for now...Some are perhaps not engaged enough, while for others one wonders, 'Why haven't they moved on yet?' - as they clearly have success??But to each their own, and it's their own journal. If at the end of your journey it's 65 pages, that's your business!Be well.
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Topic: Orbiters Journal of Recovery (Read 29327 times)
