Orbiters Journal of Recovery

[Orbiter]

My fatigue slowly seems to be getting better. Small steps but adhering to the rules I set out seems to be gradually getting me back there. Some mild urges surfacing as I am finished with work for the week and that addict part of my brain sees an opening. Thankfully it looks like I will be well occupied for the rest of the week so I will need to be vigilant but I am confident by going back to basics, I can get myself through this.

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Orbiter,

It looks like you are on the right path and that you've taking some great steps in maintaining your mental and physical health. Great job Orbiter!
Also good to see that you recognize the urge part of the brain trying to get through that small opening.


Stay safe and keep going!

[Orbiter]

Thanks Shade!

Unfortunately I did relapse again twice on Saturday morning. Same time & same day as the last time. I am going to have to consider whether there is a pattern developing here. This is day 3 for me.

I have been having lots of bad dreams about exes lately. Literally every night. It's becoming so exhausting re-living this stuff in my head again and again. At this point I just want to be free of it.

I think there is a part of me that is struggling to deal with the situation with that friend of mine. I saw her again last Friday as I was working on some music with a housemate of hers. I stayed back and had a big night with both of them afterwards. I think deep down I was hoping that I would been in a better place by now and as the restrictions ease, there might be another opportunity to see if there's anything still there. That day and night all but confirmed that there is not and it is time for me to let go and move forward.

In a way, a clean slate is freeing and I don't have to worry about what could have been or what I am missing out on. That's a positive. It's also a good lesson for me to learn as well, that things like this you need to be brave and seize in the moment. If let your fears, insecurities & ego get in the way, opportunities, people, life & relationships will pass you by.

I'm in a weird area with rebooting at the moment. Still haven't found the motivation again to really push forward with this process and the poor results lately speak for themselves. I feel like there are some cognitive distortions happening in my brain that are making relapsing seem more acceptable at the moment, these are as follows:

    * P is an emotionally safe way to deal with romantic feelings & sexual urges that means I won't get hurt
    * The ED will ruin any chances to start a worthwhile relationship so I might as well use P instead
    * It's too stressful to reboot and might only make the ED worse in the long run
    * P is a way to enjoy sexual experiences that I am not secure or attractive enough to experience with another person in real life
    * I have been trying to reboot forever. There is no way out, I will never escape this so I might as well give up & relapse
    * I need a break from the stresses & problems in my life and I can do this easily with P

Of course the rational part of my brain knows these are distortions and that P actually makes all of these things worse. Even still, these thoughts always come into my head around points of relapse and I fall for them time and time again. After all this time, there's still so much work to be done...

On a more positive note, my fatigue seems to be improving. Hopefully at this rate, I will be in a happier, more functional state of health & mind at the end of this week. Diet, exercise and prioritizing sleep seems to be working and i'm feeling better in this area day by day. The big night I had before my relapse was a big set back in terms of this so I shall make an effort to make this week a quiet one with a lot more sleep, moments to relax & stay occupied with gentler, less demanding activities.

Wishing you all well. Stay healthy, clean & strong!

[Orbiter]

Started to peek today but stopped myself and came on here. Definite feelings of fatigue & emptiness today but I will focus on getting through today and not worrying too much about the bigger picture. Nothing else to report so far. This is day 4.

[SebNZ]

I'm in a weird area with rebooting at the moment. Still haven't found the motivation again to really push forward with this process and the poor results lately speak for themselves. I feel like there are some cognitive distortions happening in my brain that are making relapsing seem more acceptable at the moment, these are as follows:

    * P is an emotionally safe way to deal with romantic feelings & sexual urges that means I won't get hurt
    * The ED will ruin any chances to start a worthwhile relationship so I might as well use P instead
    * It's too stressful to reboot and might only make the ED worse in the long run
    * P is a way to enjoy sexual experiences that I am not secure or attractive enough to experience with another person in real life
    * I have been trying to reboot forever. There is no way out, I will never escape this so I might as well give up & relapse
    * I need a break from the stresses & problems in my life and I can do this easily with P

Of course the rational part of my brain knows these are distortions and that P actually makes all of these things worse. Even still, these thoughts always come into my head around points of relapse and I fall for them time and time again. After all this time, there's still so much work to be done...

I think your analysis is spot on. Even though porn addiction is a horrible thing, which is why we're all here obviously, it is still serving a function for many of us. There is a rational aspect to it, which are the points you've outlined. Quite a few of the ones you mention are about 'self-soothing', which is something I can relate to. This self-soothing often, but not always, links to low self-esteem or low confidence regarding relationships with girls. You are like me in that regard. The porn is the best solution we have to self-sooth with regard to this problem, probably because it has a sexual element.

Two things that have helped me, and may work for you? are working on my self-esteem and also reading pick-up artist books. Now the latter is controversial! And not for everyone. But it works for me. Especially if you avoid the sleazy guys and focus on the ones that are more about building up your confidence to talk to girls and bring out 'your best self'. Some say this is manipulation. I disagree. When I watch the videos, I *know* a lot of the stuff simply because I'm not naive and 15 anymore. But knowing it and doing it is a different story. In reality my technique is quite poor. This serves as a barrier to meeting women or starting relationships and often has led me to being friend-zoned. This despair/failure often leads to the need for self-soothing and ...porn. Something to consider.

[ShadeTrenicin]

I think your analysis is spot on. Even though porn addiction is a horrible thing, which is why we're all here obviously, it is still serving a function for many of us. There is a rational aspect to it, which are the points you've outlined. Quite a few of the ones you mention are about 'self-soothing', which is something I can relate to. This self-soothing often, but not always, links to low self-esteem or low confidence regarding relationships with girls. You are like me in that regard. The porn is the best solution we have to self-sooth with regard to this problem, probably because it has a sexual element.
[/quote]

I second this because I know those thoughts all to well.

And well done on stopping yourself Orbiter, great job. And also, now that the fatigue seems to be slowly subsiding, it will also slowly help in battling your addiction. Anything is difficult if you are constantly tired. Just keep going as you are doing now, you are keeping it real. Without any bullshit. That means that you're honest to yourself about the addiction. You know you want the things you do, but you also know why and that it is bad for you.

Im rooting for you!

[Orbiter]

Argh! Relapsed again twice Saturday morning. I think a pattern is beginning to emerge here...

[SebNZ]

That sucks! What is the pattern do you think?

I almost always (like 80%+ of the time) relapse on Friday night or Saturday night. If I'm on holiday, it's even worse because those are the days I have the maximum amount of time to recover before work. Yes, my brain is that rational - even though it wants to look at porn, which fucks me, it does it in a way that ensures the damage is minimised to my work.

How are you feeling on Friday night?

[Phineas 808]

Argh! Relapsed again twice Saturday morning. I think a pattern is beginning to emerge here...

That's actually a good sign, that you recognize a pattern. If you can rearrange your habits (whatever may lead into the use of p), and change your activities, you'll be able to minimize it's impact.

Wishing you luck (and strategy) on your journey, Orbit.

[Orbiter]

Thanks SebNZ & Phineas 808

Yeah I think there's definitely an element of "this is the time of week you have the most time to recovery so best to get it out of the way now" mentality to it. It's also the time of week i'm the most tired and the least occupied. I have been waking up very early on my days off and I seem to be unable to go back to sleep. It's leaving me with little energy for the day and in a vulnerable state of mind to relapse.

It's really beginning to get to me. I feel if I could just wake up well rested and with a clear head I could better manage issues that lead me to relapse and come up with some concrete strategies but it's just not happening.

I've been doing some thinking, reading & Youtube watching on the effects that chronic low self-esteem can have on ones behaviour & ability to manage problems in their life. One problem that I have is that I get overwhelmed with life problems easily and find solving them too daunting a task. When I am faced with this, it is often when I retreat into PMO escapism. Work situations lead to relapses, issues with the housemate, conflicts with friends etc. I find confronting & working on solutions to these things exhausting & overwhelming and I wonder how big a part of that is that I struggle with the necessary confidence to stand up for myself, what I am entitled to and what I want out of life.

I think there's things to be learnt from this and issues in myself in this area to be addressed. I will be exploring this further.

[Phineas 808]

I think that you're in an ideal place right now to make great and impactful changes to your life.

You've identified a time of the week, and a certain 'may as well get it out of the way' mentality that may 'excuse' pmo, and also sleeping patterns.

If you can make small non-judgmental changes around these times of the week, and improve your sleeping habits, that will be very helpful.

Self-esteem is important, but keep in mind two things:

1. Self-improvement can span a lifetime, getting to the root of all our issues, and 'fixing' them best we can.

2. PMO is a habit you acquired at some point, a faulty coping mechanism for sure, but a habit nonetheless.

My advice would be to approach these two things separately. You can change your bad habit (PMO) now, and work on all the other issues at your (lifelong) convenience.

I hope that makes sense.

Think of how many years some take to break their addictions (drugs, alcohol, behavioral), because they think they have to first dig deep into the cobwebs of their past, and fix everything broken before they can make changes!

Instead, reverse it, as once the habit is changed, your self-esteem, etc, will greatly improve.

[Orbiter]

Thanks Phineas,

I feel like this is a 'chicken-egg' situation with PMO and low self esteem. Clearly PMO feeds the self-esteem issues and has mental & emotional associations with low points in life and self-image. Issues with self-esteem however also trigger the addictive cycle and fuel the PMO mechanism.

This results in being stuck in a grey area of where to even start.

I'm genuinely impressed with how well you've articulated your point of view on this. Though one issue feeds the other and there is a clear defined relationship between the two, they are still at the end of the day two distinct issues that need to be individually tackled in two different ways and both have different timelines.

This will certainly require further thought & consideration moving forward.

[Phineas 808]

You're welcome, brother.

Yeah, I don't wish to minimize one affecting the other, as definitely happens. In fact knowing ourselves and being aware of our moods is crucial in recognizing patterns of our use of unwanted behaviors.

If I'm feeling really woman-conscious, is it because I'm lonely? Is it because someone gave me a dirty look in traffic (used to be that bad for me!), or some other legitimate but unmet need?

So, seeing the relationship can definitely be helpful also, but, thankfully the healing of one is not necessarily dependent on the healing of the other.

In fact, our bad-habits kind of muddy up the water, and confuse or compound the deeper issues that may have driven the bad-habits to begin with.

For me, I know shame, rejection, and neglect are/were major drivers of addiction. And replacing shame with grace has been a major shift in helping to overcome these behaviors.

Be well.

[Orbiter]

No worries Phineas. I certainly didn't feel like you were minimising either issue. I can relate to the discomfort driven relapse as i'm sure many of us here can. I certainly have a stronger constitution for stress than I once did (and this year has delivered it in bucketloads). I remember times years back when my day would be ruined by even a slightly playful remark from a friend and it would lead me to relapse for hours. Of course self-esteem and confidence once again come into play with this, as to be wounded so easily speaks volumes of an individuals view of themselves.

Either way, both the addiction and these issues need to be tackled at the same time. Neglecting one to tackle the other will not work due to the symbiotic nature of the two, I need to remember this.

Oh and it's day 4 today.

[Phineas 808]

Congrats on day 4, brother!

Yes, I can see this need due to the symbiotic nature of the two. We both know that the stresses in life won't necessarily go away, but our way of dealing with them will change (from illegitimate to more legitimate ways).

You'll certainly increase your confidence either way, by dealing with self-esteem issues or by dealing with the maladaptive habits that formed around it.

We were just trying to survive, and for whatever reasons, we chose what we did (probably tied up in natural developement as adolescents that was some how hijacked).

Regardless, we're making great strides in how we're dealing with stress, and how we're perceiving ourselves.

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Orbiter, great going on the 4 days my friend! Well done.

So you are fighting two wars at once. And yes the two things are interlinked indeed. So, how are you taking on the self esteem if I may ask? I am aware that this is a very direct question and that self esteem is not something you decide to have. So I am wondering how you are attempting this. Also because I am trying to boost my self esteem and I can always do with a little bit of help.


Keep strong my friend

[BabySteps]

Hey Orbiter

Great job on the fourth day mark. The weekend is here, hope you become more conscious of your moves until the end of this weekend. I'm rooting for you!

BS

[batman99]

    * P is an emotionally safe way to deal with romantic feelings & sexual urges that means I won't get hurt
    * The ED will ruin any chances to start a worthwhile relationship so I might as well use P instead
    * It's too stressful to reboot and might only make the ED worse in the long run
    * P is a way to enjoy sexual experiences that I am not secure or attractive enough to experience with another person in real life
    * I have been trying to reboot forever. There is no way out, I will never escape this so I might as well give up & relapse
    * I need a break from the stresses & problems in my life and I can do this easily with P

I can relate to this thinking. If you wana pm me anytime, feel free man,

[SebNZ]

Of course self-esteem and confidence once again come into play with this, as to be wounded so easily speaks volumes of an individuals view of themselves.

Very true. Definitely applies to me. I reckon a lot of people on this forum probably have self-esteem issues and porn is a way of alleviating the pain it brings.

[Orbiter]

Argh two relapses since my last post and one MO this morning. I just can't seem to meaningfully commit to this at the moment. The usual fatigue, stress, unusually busy schedule and my housemate leaving for holiday giving me the place to myself I would identify as the primary triggers/cues but there's a part of me that also thinks 'so what?'. Identifying triggers/cues is an important part of this but what good is knowing them if I keep falling for them again and again, week after week, month after month, year after year. Surely there has to be some point where triggers/cues can be managed and getting to reach some point of tangible progress after so many years. I was barely able to manage a half-hard erection for the MO. How can I have made so little progress after doing this for so long.

There have been some minor victories this year I suppose but I feel like i'm still in almost the same place I was when I started this year. Scratch that, the same place i've started every year for seemingly forever. It feels like even when I feel like i've made progress, i'm actually just bullshitting myself until reality inevitably catches up in the form of the next relapse. I still can't seem to manage even mild urges and there's still many underlying issues I clearly have not addressed that still lead me to lapse time after time.

Day 0 - Feeling very tired, frustrated & dispirited.

[Phineas 808]

Hey, Orbiter.

Sorry to hear of your current struggles, the frustration, and deflation coming with that...

Don't give up hope, and don't give up the fight. Dig deep within, and find your 'why' for quitting- do it for you.

Don't worry about identifying cues or triggers right now. Those will be obvious when urges follow... If urges don't follow, then it really wasn't anything to be concerned about.

All you need do is believe that you can wait out any urge. Urges are just thought, your primal brain telling you that you need this now (fight or flight). Don't try and fight it, just acknowledge the urge without judgement, and focus on your breathing. Breathe deeply and slowly. The urges will pass, you'll see. And if the urges come in waves, you'll be able to ride out each one, and soon you'll rediscover your power.

You acknowledge that there was minor victories this year, but it may be that progress seems frustrated by relapsing.

This thing takes time, experimentation with what approach best works for you, trial and error; but most importantly, not giving up- never giving up.

I believe you got it in you to do this!

[EarthWalker]

Hi, Orbiter. I know how you feel. Modern life is overwhelming. Now with December. The MSM will bombard us with images of "happy family" and some cheesy movies. Not really helping.

While this will sounds simplistic. Try not to stress about it too much. Have something to look forward to. I am looking forward to a new episode of a tv show. It is not much but it is at least something.

Wish you well.
EW

[Orbiter]

Hi thanks all for the replies.

I'm feeling a little bit better today so that's something. I think when life becomes too difficult, overwhelming and we're left feeling tired & depressed, it's usually a good time to return to the more 'foundational', basic areas of life. I.e food, exercise, sleep and space.

My schedule was far too overwhelming last week and I was unable to take the time to exercise the proper self-care I needed to keep myself in good physical & emotional health. I have identified throughout this year that this has been and still is something I need to work on. As an individual, I would say I am a significantly introverted personality and I can't meaningfully function in life without a certain amount of personal space & time to process the events and problems of the week.

I also think I have a tendency to prioritise the needs of others over my own by default. This leads to unmanageable, exhausting and personally unsatisfying weeks. I think there is a link between this tendency and poor self-esteem.

Last week is not the norm but I do need to give serious thought as to what a healthy, manageable week actually is for me and how to put that into place.

Managing urges is also an area I need to build on. The introspection, trigger/cue identification, planning & reflection is valuable of course, I wonder if perhaps there are aspects of this process I am overthinking. I also wonder if by this over-thinking I am giving the addiction and urges more power than they actually have over me.

It is something I will continue to work on but for now, my aim is to stay P free today. I will deal with tomorrow when it comes.

Wishing you all well.

[Phineas 808]

Hi Orbiter,

As an individual, I would say I am a significantly introverted personality and I can't meaningfully function in life without a certain amount of personal space & time to process the events and problems of the week.

I'm the same way. I need my space and value my solitude (though I'm married, and have a daughter), so I can process things, or even reprocess all that has been going on for the last year or so...

Last week is not the norm but I do need to give serious thought as to what a healthy, manageable week actually is for me and how to put that into place.

Yes, find your flow or your rythm. Perhaps by setting healthy boundaries for yourself where you're not necessarily saying 'Yes' to everyone, and hence, spreading yourself too thin. It's only fair to you to say 'No' if you feel that you're not creating or abiding by boundaries you've set for yourself.

We all get busy, but we can identify those times when we're too busy because we have an accepted norm of business we've set for ourselves.

...I wonder if perhaps there are aspects of this process I am overthinking. I also wonder if by this over-thinking I am giving the addiction and urges more power than they actually have over me.

This is certainly a very important question! If you can identify if you're over analyzing, or overthinking some aspect, it would do you service to give yourself a break...

Indeed, being overly mindful of our habits can end up encouraging our sensitized neural pathways. Obsessing over it, or (and especially) reacting to, responding to the urges, even in terms of reasoning against it, can end up only strengthening them.

We simply wish to treat urges as 'neurological junk', and simply dismiss them.

You're doing good, Orbiter! Be well.

[SebNZ]

My schedule was far too overwhelming last week and I was unable to take the time to exercise the proper self-care I needed to keep myself in good physical & emotional health. I have identified throughout this year that this has been and still is something I need to work on. As an individual, I would say I am a significantly introverted personality and I can't meaningfully function in life without a certain amount of personal space & time to process the events and problems of the week.

I also think I have a tendency to prioritise the needs of others over my own by default. This leads to unmanageable, exhausting and personally unsatisfying weeks. I think there is a link between this tendency and poor self-esteem.

Haha...you sound a lot like me!

The pandemic has taught me (I wish I had been taught earlier) that I need a significant amount of me-time. I always felt guilty and weird about this in the past but now I'm okay with it. I basically need two/three social interactions during the week and I'm good! I think that's the very definition of an introvert, or maybe an extreme introvert. Any more than that and I start to feel impinged upon. It is a bit hard to accept this - I would like to be me more social sometimes - but that is just who I am at the moment. Maybe it will change in the future.

Also, it makes me more likely to relapse - and it sounds like you too.

Anyway sorry for rambling about myself. Good to see that you are learning things about yourself. That can only be good for your recovery.