Orbiters Journal of Recovery

[Orbiter]

Thanks EarthWalker, stepbystep & beautywaytraveler for your comments & support. Believe me they are appreciated.

EarthWalker - This particular relapse feels more upsetting than the others. I feel over the course of the last few weeks, I began to slowly identify as a person who did not look at porn in a way I haven't in awhile so there was a lot of cognitive dissonance at play during and after. I could feel progress was just starting to happen and, just like that, relapse. In my mind, I have established the difference between the addictive, escalating, unnatural behaviour of PMO and my actual sexuality which, while important, is not on it's own enough to successfully stay away from it.

It was a bad relapse and I can't recall the last time doing so was so upsetting. I had become used to the feeling of heightened awareness and the constant feeling of energy that you get from not PMOing, now it's gone I feel like a zombie, going through the day not truly awake. I fully intend to harness this as motivation to get back on track.

beautywaytraveler - The frustrating thing about this was I was quite aware of the situation that I was in (hence the post I made prior to relapsing) but it was probably already too late by that point. I'd put myself in a position of weakness that overwhelmed me. I was hungover, sleep deprived & crashing off too much caffeine too quickly in the morning so I don't feel I had any 'mindset' per se but pure auto-pilot.

Though i've never explicitly referenced in the past, I do feel I use mindfulness a lot in terms of dealing with urges, states of mind, deceptive and/or self-defeating thought patterns. I feel mindfulness to a certain extent is a lifestyle as well a practice and I suppose I should give some thought as to if there are certain activities & daily rituals (such as the ones that lead me to this) that impede engaging in the practice meaningfully.

stepbystep - I had been in a good, focused mindset but I was dealing with periodic strong urges. What happened was I had too much to drink the previous night and, as a result, was hungover the next day and had very little sleep. I caught up with a friend early in the morning to get a take away coffee and have a socially distanced walk. As a result I wound up having three strong coffees in the space of 1 1/2 hours and all of the sudden the urges came on strong.

When I returned home, I did what I could to distract myself until the caffeine wore off as I thought I would be able to calm down and focus after that. What I didn't think about was the caffeine crash, mixed with the hangover, mixed with no sleep left me with little energy, motivation or impulse control. And so, I wound up in bed watching some stand-up comedy on the laptop and before you know it, the urges took over and I was in autopilot until it was too late.

I think if it was only one or even two of those things I would still be clean, but the combination of the three was too much and I got overwhelmed. I'd 'woken up' to what I was doing half-way through but it felt too late by that point, i'd seen too much, gone too far, had relapsed by my own terms and might as well finish off.

Today I woke up quite early with the express focus on getting myself back on track. Cold shower in the morning followed by getting everything I need around the apartment done and everything I needed to prepare for work tomorrow done. I put myself through a vigorous exercise routine, cooked and ate one large, healthy lunch and abstained from food before & after (I have read of the relationship between dopamine production & intermittent fasting). I had a very nice, mindful walk by the creek trail near my apartment as well. There are other things as well but the short version of this is I have done everything I can think of to bounce back from this and will continue to stick to this routine over the coming days.

Though this has been quite the frustrating, defeating experience. I don't intent to squander what progress & motivation I still have remaining. There's a lot to be learnt from this but I fully intent to move forward from here on.

[stepbystep]

How are you doing today? Hopefully feeling better.

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Buddy,

im sorry to read about your relapse, but in your latest post i've noticed something of a change. You've seem to have clearly pinpointed every factor that has contributed to your relapse and the day after you've immediately taken constructive actions into going for it once again. Although the experience might have left you feeling defeated for a while, your actions are those of a man that is still fighting and not given up. That to me sounds like good progress. And let's not forget the positive thing; you've gotten quite the streak. You can be proud of yourself, don't expect to fix it in one streak after 5 years of trying. It's still hard.

Keep going buddy, I am rooting for you!

[Orbiter]

Thanks for dropping by step & Shade.

step - Hey thanks for checking in! I'm still feeling quite deflated but i'm getting things back on track I feel. I'm not sure exactly how much the cold showers, exercise, healthy food, long walks & intermittent fasting have been helping recovery-wise but I feel i'm probably in a much better place than I would be if I hadn't. I'll keep up most of these for the rest of the week except the intermittent fasting which i'm going to go easy on as i'm missing food a lot + need to make good use of the groceries I got over the weekend. I can honestly say, as i'm writing this I do not feel even remotely tempted to relapse or peek. Still disappointed & frustrated but i'm making efforts to channel this into getting myself back on track.

Also, new rule - The laptop is only allowed on the desk or in the communal living room. No watching Youtube or using the computer in bed.

Shade - Thanks as always for your continued & always thoughtful support. It's always so reassuring to read at times like this. Though it's actually been 8 years i've been trying, I totally get your point. The last streak was actually the longest i've gone since 2013 and I am definitely not taking the significance of that achievement for granted. With any luck, this is a learning experience that will have me better equipped from this point onwards. My periods of staying clean seem to be getting increasingly longer over this year and the habit is becoming more distant from my day to day life. It would be nice to be from it from here to eternity but if I have to keep trying, pushing the wall a bit further back each time, it's just what I have to do. The alternative is quitting and resigning myself to a life of PMO which is not even worth considering.

[ShadeTrenicin]

Orbiter,

My periods of staying clean seem to be getting increasingly longer over this year and the habit is becoming more distant from my day to day life.

This is why you are doing it! This shows what all the effort was for! Remember that!

Also, new rule - The laptop is only allowed on the desk or in the communal living room. No watching Youtube or using the computer in bed.

Excellent rule! Great going buddy!

[Orbiter]

Thanks Shade, i'll definitely make sure to.

Just a quick check in today. Day 4 and still clean. Mood & energy have been quite low, haven't been able to get much motivation to do anything today but i'm hopeful after a good, early nights sleep i'll be in better shape for tomorrow. It's been a slow week but i'm slowly getting back on track.

[Orbiter]

Relapsed last night and i'm not sure why or how...I was on Day 6.

[EarthWalker]

No worries. We get to try again until we get it right.

I find that in the Threshold phase willpower is very important. How was your willpower this week? What was going on?

EW

[Orbiter]

Hi EarthWalker, thanks for your reply.

Though my willpower seemed strong enough that week, I was perhaps testing it too much. I think the exercise and cold showers were beneficial (though it didn't help the weather here randomly decided to drop 15-20 degrees celsius as soon as I began) but the intermittent fasting was in hindsight a bridge too far. Food is important to me. I am already underweight and I do regularly eat more than the average person. I was getting random spikes of energy shortly followed by sharp crashes. I was smoking more and my urges were building up in the background. I fully believe in it's benefits but it's not for me.

I've had no P or PMO relapses since I last posted, and technically that relapse was looking at P, switching the computer off and MOing (still counts as a relapse I know). I MOed again on Sunday but I personally not count MO also as a relapse if there's no P involved. TMI perhaps but I was unpleasantly surprised how weak my 'erection' was and how quickly I came.

My energy has been low and i've been moody & unmotivated the whole week. I think there are some external factors, with the never-ending lock down and over-exposure to certain events in the news contributing to this, but I honestly have not felt like a single day of this week has been worth getting out of bed for. Still, i'm sure sunny days are ahead and I want to be free of P & ready to make the most of them when they arrive.

I think that's it. Not much else to report this week so far.

[SebNZ]

When I returned home, I did what I could to distract myself until the caffeine wore off as I thought I would be able to calm down and focus after that. What I didn't think about was the caffeine crash, mixed with the hangover, mixed with no sleep left me with little energy, motivation or impulse control. And so, I wound up in bed watching some stand-up comedy on the laptop and before you know it, the urges took over and I was in autopilot until it was too late.

I think if it was only one or even two of those things I would still be clean, but the combination of the three was too much and I got overwhelmed. I'd 'woken up' to what I was doing half-way through but it felt too late by that point, i'd seen too much, gone too far, had relapsed by my own terms and might as well finish off.

Hi there! Hope you are recovering and feeling better fellow traveller.

I reckon your analysis here is spot on as I can relate to it a lot. I'm fairly sure that caffeine, while fine for most people, is quite probelmatic in combination with people like us. It definitely affects my dopamine levels, and in combination with alcohol, and a bit of stress, that is a recipe for a relapse. Over the last three weeks since my last bad relapse, I have cut down on coffee and have noticed an improvement in my motivation levels. It is flatter during the day but less up and down. The 'down' periods are often when I feel like relapsing, so this is a big improvement.

I also don't drink, as like you I'm in lockdown, and I simply don't drink unless I'm socialising (thankfully, that would suck to have to deal with that too).

Have you tried reducing your caffeine to see if that helps?

[Orbiter]

Relapsed :/

[EarthWalker]

Sorry to hear that.

Here is what looks to be working for me:

Initially I allowed as much PMO as I wanted to. But the deal is that I need to do it mindfully. To see how it effects the physical, mental, emotional and the spiritual bodies. I also went with P that is the polar opposite of what I usually PMO to. A bit of a lab experiment. With the goal of getting as much data as possible on how this effects the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual bodies. Obviously I get to enjoy it to. Have a cake and eat it too. Also been asking after each PMO if this is the last PMO in my life am I OK with this? I did this for like 5 days straight. On day 5 I am like. You know what. This PMO isn't all that great. It is an illusion. It actually sucks. Yuck!

I guess this will be a very counter intuitive and controversial "advice". But enjoy the weekend with P. Go to town man. But
1) Be mindful about it. Where is your attention at? How does it feel on the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual bodies?
2) Explore P genres that are the opposite of what you are into. Or just pick a category at random. For me this created a bigger contrast of how artificial and a big illusion P is.
3) Ask yourself if this is the last time you are doing PMO. Would you be fine with it?

Don't get back on the horse. Take as long as you need with PMO. When you will get a YES on If this is the last time I PMO am I fine with it? When you get a YES then get back on the horse.

In my view the way reboot is set up. It only works for people on the tail end of the willpower distribution. For the rest of us we need a different approach. I think I just found it (for me at least).

Phase 1(days -X to 0): PMO with mindfulness until a YES on If this is the last time I PMO in my life am I ok with it?
Phase 2(days 1-9): A noP, noFap streak
Phase 3(days 10-24): noP, allow unrestricted MO to "soft-relapse" with MO instead of PMO.
Phase 4(days 24-54): noP, progressive restrictions on MO, somewhat similar to phase 1 but for MO instead of PMO.
Phase 5(days 55-144): noP, noFap streak, if unbearable a MO to sensation only
Phase 6(days 145-364): noP, occasional (every other week) MO to sensation only or noFap
Phase 7(days 365+): noP, less occasional (every other month) MO to sensation only or noFap

EW

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Orbiter,

How are things on your end? Take care my friend.

[stepbystep]

Hope you are well Orbiter. Sorry to hear about your relapse. The best thing you can do is to get right back up, think about any changes you can make, and forget about the relapse. This is hard to do but you can do it. We're rooting for you. And you've done this in this long streak of sobriety you just had.

[Orbiter]

Thanks EarthWalker, Shade & Step

I am currently on day 4 at the moment. I've had one more relapse since.

So triggers...I think some of you may remember I was speaking about a friend of mine some time ago that I have some feelings for. I got news last week she is now in a relationship with someone from her workplace. Though a part of me knows I don't have much place to be too jealous or upset about it as it was my choice not to pursue it, there is still a certain amount of hurt & regret I can't help but feel.

Apart from that, i'm dealing with some issues at work surrounding my leave entitlements. I am hitting a lot of passive resistance & red tape trying to sort this out and, as we are getting increasingly close to the Xmas holidays, this is becoming a significant source of stress.

So along with that too, all the usual stuff around the continuing lockdown. I feel like i've hit a wall in terms of progress with rebooting and making positive changes in my life. I feel like i'm just repeating the same mistake over and over, the only difference is sometimes it's every two weeks, sometimes it's every month, sometimes it's every week. I gave myself permission to MO during the last week long streak and though I still sort of stand by the idea, I think I started far too early and probably need a period of time clean before I can mess with that stuff.

I feel like I need to do some soul-searching and find either another way or where i'm going wrong because this just doesn't seem to be working for me at the moment. I just don't know what to do.

[stepbystep]

Have you considered getting an accountability partner? Best is in person in the real world but even online here in these forums is great. I feel it helps.

[SebNZ]

Thanks EarthWalker, Shade & Step

I am currently on day 4 at the moment. I've had one more relapse since.

So triggers...I think some of you may remember I was speaking about a friend of mine some time ago that I have some feelings for. I got news last week she is now in a relationship with someone from her workplace. Though a part of me knows I don't have much place to be too jealous or upset about it as it was my choice not to pursue it, there is still a certain amount of hurt & regret I can't help but feel.

Apart from that, i'm dealing with some issues at work surrounding my leave entitlements. I am hitting a lot of passive resistance & red tape trying to sort this out and, as we are getting increasingly close to the Xmas holidays, this is becoming a significant source of stress.

So along with that too, all the usual stuff around the continuing lockdown. I feel like i've hit a wall in terms of progress with rebooting and making positive changes in my life. I feel like i'm just repeating the same mistake over and over, the only difference is sometimes it's every two weeks, sometimes it's every month, sometimes it's every week. I gave myself permission to MO during the last week long streak and though I still sort of stand by the idea, I think I started far too early and probably need a period of time clean before I can mess with that stuff.

I feel like I need to do some soul-searching and find either another way or where i'm going wrong because this just doesn't seem to be working for me at the moment. I just don't know what to do.

Interesting. It sounds like you use porn in a similar way to me - as a way of self-soothing because of stress, or in the case of that girl, maybe frustration and resentment? I definitely have the latter with a girl who I was interested in who started dating someone else. It was a very sore point for me.

[EarthWalker]

I just don't know what to do.

Whatever you do, don't do P.

I suggest connecting with your inner guidance.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJjpTeAFw30

Keep on going.
EW

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Orbiter,


How are you doing these days? I hope you're doing well but in any case, let us know how you are doing. Especially when you are feeling low. We are here for you!

Keep it up, I am rooting for you

[Orbiter]

Hey guys, sorry for not being in touch. I've really dropped the ball with recovery and this journal over the previous month. I relapsed a few more times since my last post unfortunately. I have been keeping track of this though and haven't completely given up, apart from a quick MO on Sunday I believe I am currently on day 5.

Multiple issues with work, the issue with my friend I spoke of in a previous post, the never ending grind of lock down and the sudden overnight ending of it and trying to find some direction again just became too overwhelming for me in October. Relapsing once or twice a week probably isn't too much of an issue for a regular person but I seem to feel the negative effects so strongly these days.

I really want to get things back on track but i'm trying to figure out where to go from here. My goals worked well for me during lock down but I need to readjust things now everything is easing and life is quickly becoming more complicated again.

I feel I am also facing a dilemma with the nofap aspect of this process at the moment. I feel long streaks of nofap, while great for energy & focus, seem to put me in a state of mind where i'm constantly battling urges and trying to regulate the extreme highs & lows of avoiding relapse. One moment of exhaustion seems to mean instant relapse every time and i'm not sure how sustainable this is.

The ideal alternative in my mind would be to abstain from P and very occasionally MO so I can focus more energy on making  improvements in myself and my life, but when I try this it just seems to never work out. I feel like I should make a strong effort this month to see if I can actually make this work. If it doesn't, it doesn't and i'll go back to the nofap method until I figure something out.

EDIT P.S. Thanks Shade for rescuing my journal from the page 2 graveyard haha. Yours & everyones continual support is still very much appreciated.

[SebNZ]

I really want to get things back on track but i'm trying to figure out where to go from here. My goals worked well for me during lock down but I need to readjust things now everything is easing and life is quickly becoming more complicated again.

...

The ideal alternative in my mind would be to abstain from P and very occasionally MO so I can focus more energy on making  improvements in myself and my life, but when I try this it just seems to never work out. I feel like I should make a strong effort this month to see if I can actually make this work. If it doesn't, it doesn't and i'll go back to the nofap method until I figure something out.

I'm in the same situation! We're coming out of lockdown now where I live and this is both a blessing and a curse for us addicts! E.g. went out shopping just before and seeing girls in summer clothes. Triggering! Of course, if I view these things in a healthy way, there's nothing wrong with it, but that's easier said than done.

Anyway, I think abstaining from P and occasionally MO is a good strategy. That's what I'm doing and it's working so far. It hasn't worked in the past strangely, so I'm not sure what's different now, apart from being older. Maybe all the research and thinking is finally paying off.

Part of it might be mindset? When I don't MO for a while now, I can feel the sexual energy building. Prior to this last relapse I generally treated this energy as a threat or a 'pain' inside that I had to be almost terrified of because it could lead to a relapse. I've tried to change this mindset. I now think of it as my sexual, healthy, energy. It does in fact give me a lot of energy and so far I've been directing it outwards: organising social events, messaging friends (including girls). Again, in the past I would have MO'd (or PMO'd) to neuter this energy. I don't think this is healthy.

But I do think once you're riding the wave of energy, at some point you might want to have a break. And that's where MO comes in. And then the cycle starts again. It's a bit of a ride (much like surfing!) but I think it's worth mastering, rather than being afraid of your sexual self.

One question to think about: how do you feel about your sexual self? If it is a source of shame and guilt, I would try and change that. It is probably pushing you towards relapse.

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Orbiter,

Glad to see you! And while you can feel down on yourself for 'dropping the ball' you are also only human with highs and lows. That perfectly natural and the best thing is that you're still here and fighting once more!

I do understand and recognize the difficulty in finding the proper balance in no P and sometimes MO. There is a delicate balance to be found here and personally I've not found it yet
the balance between getting energy from not wanking or  wasting it on battling the urges is very tricky and I think the balance changes from day to day.


So what is it that you find so difficult in swithing from lockdown goals to normal day to day life goals? What is it you think that adds the stress or difficulty?


I wish you a great weekend and good luck!

[Orbiter]

Thank you Shade & SebNZ. All good questions and observations which I will endeavor to answer in my next post.

I would have updated my journal yesterday but unfortunately the forums were down. Even more unfortunate is I relapsed 3 times in 4 hours on Saturday. I guess this means it's day 2 for me, I relapsed on day 9.

Self forgiveness and everything aside, I actually NEED to stop relapsing every week or few days. These P binges take me days to mentally recover from and it has been impacting my life significantly over the previous month. This has to stop.

So it's back to basics for me. I'm going to undertake a ShadeTrenicin patented "Two week RebootNation challenge" starting from today, no M during this time either. Accountability, insight & (perhaps most importantly) direction are lacking for me at the moment and I feel like I need to stop the brakes and reassess where i'm at and where I want to go at this point.

[Orbiter]

So I am still clean so far. I feel like I have been under-performing at work as of late due to a strong fatigue i've been experiencing over the last few weeks. I call it fatigue as sleeping doesn't seem to restore any energy and I often wake up feeling almost as tired as when I went to bed. Still, I need to focus on getting things in check as becoming negligent & under-performing in my work can have potentially serious consequences.

I did have some beers (probably too many) with my housemates yesterday eve to celebrate a favorite local pub of ours re-opening. It was surreal and a bit nerve-wracking being outside again but was overall a positive experience. Temptations to relapse did not enter my mind even once after I got home or waking up in the morning. This may be due to the severity of the relapse on Saturday but it felt like a small victory for me all the same as it's usually a strong trigger. I do know I still need to be vigilant and not underestimate the risk of this in future but it felt nice to feel like there has been some real positive growth through this and I am slowly beginning to wrestle some control back from this addiction.

[Orbiter]

I am really struggling with fatigue this week. I was working from home yesterday and I could barely stay awake or focused through it. I don't really understand what exactly is bothering me at the moment but I feel some of it came to light when I visited a close friend of mine yesterday who is currently going through a divorce. I think some of the topics we've been discussing have unearthed some underlying issues I have as well and yesterday a lot of things really hit home. I opened up to him about some of my struggles with this addiction, intimacy issues, trust issues etc. He was very understanding about it and we talked long into the evening.

I felt better and worse after my visit was over, like a weight had been lifted off me talking to someone about this but it also felt like i'd really left myself exposed. This was far more confronting than I thought it would be. He has been seeing a psychologist and recommended that, if I have reached a point where I am stuck in this, I should consider doing the same. I'm certainly considering it.

Since no amount of sleep seems to improve the fatigue, I have been focusing on getting a somewhat healthy routine back in place. I did a small amount of research on the topic the other day and I think for the next few days I will focus on:

* Staying hydrated
* Some level of exercise
* Going to bed at a regular hour
* Balanced & healthy diet

And of course no PMO

Little else to report. No urges or temptations to PMO as yet but it's still early days at day 4 here.