Author Topic: Orbiters Journal of Recovery (Read 24921 times)

EarthWalker · « **Reply #275 on:** September 19, 2020, 03:21:39 AM »

I've never drank coffee. Now I feel like drinking coffee. It is the brain seeking alternative ways of boosting dopamine. Also looks like my fridge will be full of ice cream.

I'd take drinking coffee and ice cream over PMO any day.

EW

Orbiter · « **Reply #276 on:** September 19, 2020, 11:29:58 PM »

^ I totally agree EarthWalker. I feel this links in with some of your recent entries as well which have been quite insightful.

So i'm almost through the weekend and i've stayed clean throughout. The previous two days I was extremely flat & low on energy, sleeping through much of it. Today I am full of nervous energy. I can feel that strange ball of energy circulating in the chest, similar to withdrawals off cigarettes in the first few days or the initial come-up stage on MDMA. Exercise, deep-breathing & keeping busy has helped so far, i'm feeling it begin to wane & dissipate.

Not much else to report yet. Onward & upward.

Orbiter · « **Reply #277 on:** September 21, 2020, 06:47:56 AM »

Argh!

Stumbled on some triggering material earlier and i've spent the evening trying to shake it off. I haven't relapsed but the urge just isn't going away. Early night I think!

ShadeTrenicin · « **Reply #278 on:** September 21, 2020, 06:59:05 AM »

Hold on buddy, youve recognized the urge and have taken precautions!!!! You can do it

Orbiter · « **Reply #279 on:** September 21, 2020, 07:12:32 AM »

You're right Shade, I can beat this. I don't have to give in...I have a choice.

Orbiter · « **Reply #280 on:** September 21, 2020, 05:39:59 PM »

So to update, I did NOT relapse in the end. I was incredibly close to giving up, to the point where I began image searching on a particular model on using safesearch with my hand covering the screen (I did not actually see anything). But I pulled myself out of it just in time and went to bed. I was stressed & restless and woke up this morning feeling absolutely EXHAUSTED.

The trigger was that I was testing the ports on a TV I had lying around as i've wanted to set up a RetroPie gaming system for my idle time. I plugged in a USB and found there were some images i'd saved & forgotten about in a previous relapse. As soon as I saw some P related thumbnails load I yanked the thing straight out and switched the TV off. It took a lot of willpower to convince myself not to look again.

Throughout the whole evening, I was wrestling with myself. I went through the 6PP and left the house for a energetic two hour walk (the absolute limit of time we are allowed outside home at the moment). I took breaks and reminded myself of what was at stake if I relapsed, how disappointing it would be and how boring & depressing PMOing is. I threw everything I had at it again and again and I still can't believe I didn't give in.

The next few days won't be easy and it will be what determines whether I have actually beaten this urge/trigger or whether I have merely sown the seeds for a later relapse.

That said, I hope that I proved something important to myself last night. I hope I proved that even past the point of no return, I can make a choice to stay clean. Many of my strategies are preventative but in the past when I hit a strong trigger, I am defenseless and almost immediately fold. Being realistic, I feel in this day & age it is almost impossible to go the full, necessary length of a clean reboot and not hit some sort of trigger. If I can stay clean, I feel I will have proved to myself that I can overcome being triggered and don't have to live the rest of a clean life in fear of this stuff.

I will be checking in a lot over the next few days I feel. I plan to stay strong.

EarthWalker · « **Reply #281 on:** September 22, 2020, 01:55:51 AM »

Thank you for sharing. This is very motivating to hear.

Quote

I took breaks and reminded myself of what was at stake if I relapsed, how disappointing it would be and how boring & depressing PMOing is.

Awesome! I think this mix of psychology that deals with the past, present and the future has enough of a potency to prevent a relapse.

In this phase of the reboot. The triggers are even stronger than before. You proved you can handle it. You can handle it again.

Wish you all the best
EW

ShadeTrenicin · « **Reply #282 on:** September 22, 2020, 02:39:40 PM »

Hey Orbiter, I am so pleased to read that you have endured! Great going my friend. Although you've encountered the trigger, you've chosen to not act on it and that is a great accomplishment. Also the counter measure of going outside for an energetic walk and reminding yourself on the effects of giving in. I think that is very insightful of yourself.

Good luck in the coming days!

Orbiter · « **Reply #283 on:** September 24, 2020, 02:50:09 AM »

Thanks for your support Shade. That message came through just in time for me and was a big part in snapping me out of it so THANK YOU!

EarthWalker - Agreed totally. The tricky part is of course pulling yourself away in the first place but I think there's an element of 'mental muscle' you slowly build up over time with rebooting. It has still been very difficult to manage and I need to remember to be careful with going down those paths as I may not do as well next time.

So today is day 20, if I make it through the rest of today (which I fully intend on doing by the way) this will officially be my longest streak since 2015. There's been some mild-to-strong lingering chaser-ish urges from my close-call on Monday but i'm staying strong and looking forward. I have a week off (EDIT: 'off' instead of 'of') work coming up next week so I will need to stay vigilant in this delicate time and make sure I don't get TOO comfortable. I'll be planning routines & activities to keep me occupied over the coming week but i'm confident I can do it.

Other than that, no big news. I had an intense, gross PMO dream last night which I will not elaborate on but I woke up gobsmacked that such imagery had been sitting somewhere in my subconscious for all this time. It's all part of the mental purging I suppose and it's probably best to do dwell on it any further.

So things are going well, hope you are all going well too.

Orbiter · « **Reply #284 on:** September 25, 2020, 06:47:16 AM »

So today officially marks 21 days. 3 whole weeks clean! The longest streak i've had 5 years wooo!

Mood has been a little bit up-and-down and I had some mild urges in the morning but overall I feel back on track. Lots of energy today which I put to good use on some creative pursuits and getting things done around the place. Feeling very accomplished.

In short, it's been a good day.

EarthWalker · « **Reply #285 on:** September 25, 2020, 10:13:35 AM »

Awesome! Really happy for you.

Wish you smooth sailing ahead.

EW

Orbiter · « **Reply #286 on:** September 26, 2020, 05:57:40 AM »

Thanks EarthWalker!

Today was a strange day mood-wise. For the first half of it, I felt completely calm in a way I haven't felt in awhile. Like I was just content and there was no struggle. For the second half I felt quite tired and low for some reason.

I suppose I should remember that behind the scenes, there's probably a lot of changes going on in my mind right now and there's not much benefit in over-analysing it. Apart from that it's been another quiet day in lockdown around the house. I feel like an early night tonight.

ShadeTrenicin · « **Reply #287 on:** September 26, 2020, 07:05:37 AM »

Hey Orbiter, congratulations man, i am really happy for you. Well done. Be weary od complacency though. Hows your weekend going so far???

Good luck buddy, I'm rooting for you

stepbystep · « **Reply #288 on:** September 26, 2020, 09:45:55 AM »

Congrats on the three weeks! Keep going!

Sbs

Orbiter · « **Reply #289 on:** September 27, 2020, 09:07:54 PM »

Thanks Shade & Step!

Shade - My weekend has been good so far. Not quite as productive as I would've liked but it felt nice to take the chance rest & relax for just a bit. The past three weeks have left me feeling quite mentally drained in some respects. I have a week off working this week which, while more than welcome, presents it's own challenges at such a sensitive time in my reboot journey.

You're absolutely right about complacency. I am making efforts to be mindful of almost everything that i'm doing during the day and what risks it may bring at this point in my journey. The dopamine-craving activities have settled recently but urges are far from gone. If they don't feel present, that just means they are becoming more subtle & deceptive.

My sleep has been poor lately and I have been waking up many times during the night, sometimes it has taken hours to get back to sleep which is dangerous to my continuing recovery at this point.

I am taking steps to address this by abstaining form excessive napping during the day, reducing caffeine & nicotine consumption during the second half of the day and getting this journal entry out of the way earlier so I switch off my devices earlier in the evening. Instead i'll go for a long walk before bed this evening. Baby-steps I know and very unexciting, but I feel it is important to address at this stage. Hopefully this goes according to plan and I can get a decent rest tonight for a change.

EarthWalker · « **Reply #290 on:** September 28, 2020, 04:03:04 AM »

About baby-steps. I found this video of Peterson on Joe Rogan to be top class.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SF3x3aEtjLo

Don't stress yourself too much.

Wish you all the best
EW

Orbiter · « **Reply #291 on:** September 28, 2020, 07:40:47 PM »

Thanks EarthWalker. While there's some aspects of his explanation that don't entirely sit right for me, there's a lot of good points made and the core point of what he's saying is right on the money. It was also rather amusing to see macho-man Joe Rogan clearly struggling at points with the concept with self-improvement through more low-level, humble goals. Lots of insight to be gained all the same. Thanks for posting and your continued support, it is valued.

Though I stuck to my plan, i'm still struggling with my sleep being quite short & disturbed. Perhaps it's just another phase of the withdrawals i'm going through. It's hard to say.

I woke up from a strange dream that I was having a chat with the landlady of my apartment who had moved back in. I brought out an iPad to look up some previous emails that came up with conversations and was hit with multiple tabs of P sites & videos which would lag everytime I tried to close them. The last tab had a video which almost identical to one of the videos I found on my exes usb stick, except instead of another guy it was a half bald version of me in the video and she was being the dominant aggressor instead.

While it was a relief to wake up and realise i'd not relapsed, it disturbed me enough that I felt I had to get this out of my system and post about it. I tried to remove any triggering details but I apologise if anyone is.

Some significant cravings & fatigue so far today so i'll make sure to be careful with this one.

I should also admit that, while it may sound like the last week or so has been a struggle, I feel MILES better than I did at the start of this streak. If I could get some decent sleep i'd feel on top of the world right now. It's been tough but things are getting better every day clean and that in itself is reward enough for me to stay strong, focused and keep going.

imsorrynotsorry · « **Reply #292 on:** September 29, 2020, 03:38:01 PM »

I really had to laugh about the dream, sorry and thanks for writing that out. I had a dream that i relapsed and that told me how afraid i was about the addiction and the autopilot. I was or i am literally afraid that i can't do anything about it when autopilot takes over. Maybe it was this feeling coming through your dream?

Sleep will improve, read a book before going to bed, no artificial screens 30 mins before bedtime. It'll help, be sure.

You feel miles better? Wonderful, maybe the physical urges have faded. Now it's about making change sustainable.

Orbiter · « **Reply #293 on:** September 29, 2020, 10:42:42 PM »

No need to apologize Imsor. Ahhh the brain works in mysterious ways does it not?

I've been working on improving my sleep hygiene but it is taking me some time. Last night I had a fairly decent sleep but that involved exercising and walked until I had completely worn myself out yesterday, which took a few hours. All the same, perhaps the fact that it worked means i'm slowly getting better at it.

While I do feel better, i'm not entirely out of the woods with withdrawals and mood swings just yet. Yesterday got considerably more difficult after I posted but today is better. I think I just need to take it one day at a time for now, make the most of the days I feel good and go easy and be careful the days that I don't. I feel over time this is becoming more consistent though.

EarthWalker · « **Reply #294 on:** September 30, 2020, 01:00:07 PM »

Consistency is super important. It is one of the key things that separate amateurs from professionals. Amateurs can hit just as good of a score as pros. Just that pros hit good scores consistently. Anyway.

Keep it up. When in doubt back to basics!
EW

Orbiter · « **Reply #295 on:** October 02, 2020, 10:26:47 PM »

Very true EarthWalker, very true.

So it's day 29 at the moment and i'm still pushing on. I haven't been posting over the last couple of days as I felt I needed a break from thinking about rebooting but i'm feeling some strong urges today and felt like making a post to remind myself of my commitment to doing this. I had a bit to drink last night and far too many coffees this morning which is probably 'flying a bit too close to the sun' at this stage and i'm paying the price today. I've been having a lot of relapse dreams as well i.e every night which will hopefully pass soon.

Hope you're all doing well. I'm going to log off and get some things done around the apartment. Not a safe day to be spending too much time on the computer I think.

Orbiter · « **Reply #296 on:** October 03, 2020, 03:38:25 AM »

And I relapsed.

Feeling disappointed, disgusted and low...so very very low.

EarthWalker · « **Reply #297 on:** October 03, 2020, 04:10:45 AM »

I hear you man. Rough seas man. Rough seas. I feel like the Full Moon has something to do with it. Like the waves of addiction are much higher due to the full moon. Rough seas. + the waves are already a lot tougher due to the plandemic and the elections.

Please don't be hard on yourself. You got overwhelmed. I suggest you try to bottle up all of this disappointed and disgust and have it for the ready as future motivation. Next time you feel like relapsing remember how the last PMO made you feel.

In my view the best we can get from relapse is
1) use it as future motivation by remembering how shitty it made us feel on physical/emotional/mental/spiritual levels
2) when PMOing be mindful of what is going on with your physical/emotional/mental/spiritual bodies. Does it really feel that great or is this an illusion? A reversal of our own sexuality?

Very rough weekend. My sailboat is getting tossed around like it is not even funny.

Wish you all the best Orbiter. This is not over yet!

EW

beautywaytraveler · « **Reply #298 on:** October 03, 2020, 03:58:28 PM »

Hey Orbiter,

I think we have to remember that whenever we relapse we have something to learn. Even when we are at the brink of a relapse we have something to learn in that moment. What message did you hear?

I remember whenever I felt the urges come on so strong during my second go for a reboot I just stopped everything. I stopped everything I was doing, and I just closed my eyes and sat there and watched my body and mind as it did its thing. I told myself, "this is what my body is used to, this is what my brain is used to, but this is not me, I am going to stay here until it completely fades away".

I don't remember if I read anything about mindfulness when I read your thread a few days ago but using mindfulness has helped me. Focus on your breath and bring yourself to the present just as a general practice, this will weaken the images and stories of P and whatnot that occupy our brain. Just being present everyday (not stuck in fantasy land, or the past, or the future) enlivens what we are doing at the present moment.

Every now and then I remind myself that, "I am not just fighting the addiction. I am fighting the mindset that led to it."

Keep fighting!

stepbystep · « **Reply #299 on:** October 03, 2020, 06:48:40 PM »

Sorry to hear about the relapse. What exactly happened? What was the trigger? What was your thought process over the past few days? Hang in there Orbiter. You've come far and recovery is never a perfect process. The best thing you can do right now is to get up quickly and keep back at it.