Journals > Ages 30-39

Orbiters Journal of Recovery

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Day Zero

Hi everyone,

I'm Orbiter, I have had a problem with pornography basically since the moment I started looking at it back when I was young. I first began to show signs of delayed ejaculation from the first time I had sex at age 17, which progressed to erectile dysfunction by 26 or so. I am also certain I have a high level of performance anxiety and experience high levels of social anxiety generally.

I have been trying to quit on-and off since April 2012, so far without success. I made a couple of old journals back in the day on the 25-29 section of YBR, during that time I made some progress. Since then, I have had to address other personal issues in my life. Quitting became less and less of a priority until I was basically back into old habits which I am now struggling to get out of.

This habit impacts my life, my work, my friendships, my relationships, my energy, my happiness. Almost everything! I've wasted so much. I desperately need to quit this stuff before it ruins my life!

More to come.

Day 1

For accountability's sake, I should say that I looked at several artistic nudes yesterday. I am treating this as a relapse, so this is technically day one. I don't really have much explanation, just loneliness and being stuck in my own head too much I think. Thankfully I am going out tonight to see a concert with a friend, which should provide some much needed distraction at least for this evening.

Day 3

Managed to stay strong the previous two days. I was surprised yesterday was not more difficult as for the last year at least I PMO, usually more than once, like clockwork on that day of the week. I am spending some time with family later today and seeing another concert in the evening. The more time out of the house and away from the computer at the moment, the better. With that said, I will have to make sure not to wear myself down to the point where I can't control my urges. It's a fine balance.

Day 3 (again)

So the following day after my last post, I relapsed twice in a row.

My brain persuaded me it was a good idea plus it wouldn't do any harm if I got back on the wagon plus it was better to relapse then than until 3AM in the middle of the working week plus how good would it be etc. etc. etc.

In other words, all the usual excuses. I knew what was happening, but I was weak and resigned myself to them easily.

Since then I have been trying not to dwell on it. I spent the rest of that day being productive & catching up on work that needed to be done. The following day I avoided the chaser effect by spending most of the day catching up with a friend, the day after that I was too busy to think about it...which leads me to today. I still feel pretty disappointed and my pride a bit bruised after the grand declaration of staying clean. But I should know better, i've been in that place many times before. I am going to focus on a short term goal for now and see if I can make it to day 7. Beyond that is simply too daunting to think about for me at the moment.

One day at a time.

...and just like that, I relapsed in the early hours of the morning...and I think i'm getting a cold now too. So I guess it's back to...

Day Zero


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