Orbiters Journal of Recovery

[Orbiter]

Day Zero

Hi everyone,

I'm Orbiter, I have had a problem with pornography basically since the moment I started looking at it back when I was young. I first began to show signs of delayed ejaculation from the first time I had sex at age 17, which progressed to erectile dysfunction by 26 or so. I am also certain I have a high level of performance anxiety and experience high levels of social anxiety generally.

I have been trying to quit on-and off since April 2012, so far without success. I made a couple of old journals back in the day on the 25-29 section of YBR, during that time I made some progress. Since then, I have had to address other personal issues in my life. Quitting became less and less of a priority until I was basically back into old habits which I am now struggling to get out of.

This habit impacts my life, my work, my friendships, my relationships, my energy, my happiness. Almost everything! I've wasted so much. I desperately need to quit this stuff before it ruins my life!

More to come.

[Orbiter]

Day 1

For accountability's sake, I should say that I looked at several artistic nudes yesterday. I am treating this as a relapse, so this is technically day one. I don't really have much explanation, just loneliness and being stuck in my own head too much I think. Thankfully I am going out tonight to see a concert with a friend, which should provide some much needed distraction at least for this evening.

[Orbiter]

Day 3

Managed to stay strong the previous two days. I was surprised yesterday was not more difficult as for the last year at least I PMO, usually more than once, like clockwork on that day of the week. I am spending some time with family later today and seeing another concert in the evening. The more time out of the house and away from the computer at the moment, the better. With that said, I will have to make sure not to wear myself down to the point where I can't control my urges. It's a fine balance.

[Orbiter]

Day 3 (again)

So the following day after my last post, I relapsed twice in a row.

My brain persuaded me it was a good idea plus it wouldn't do any harm if I got back on the wagon plus it was better to relapse then than until 3AM in the middle of the working week plus how good would it be etc. etc. etc.

In other words, all the usual excuses. I knew what was happening, but I was weak and resigned myself to them easily.

Since then I have been trying not to dwell on it. I spent the rest of that day being productive & catching up on work that needed to be done. The following day I avoided the chaser effect by spending most of the day catching up with a friend, the day after that I was too busy to think about it...which leads me to today. I still feel pretty disappointed and my pride a bit bruised after the grand declaration of staying clean. But I should know better, i've been in that place many times before. I am going to focus on a short term goal for now and see if I can make it to day 7. Beyond that is simply too daunting to think about for me at the moment.

One day at a time.

[Orbiter]

...and just like that, I relapsed in the early hours of the morning...and I think i'm getting a cold now too. So I guess it's back to...

Day Zero

[KittyHawk]

Just keep trying. I am struggling currently with the same problem.

Right now I am trying to discover all the triggers (alone time on PC or tablet, dirty thoughts,...) and try to avoid any potentially dangerous situation. Because once I am aroused, there is not enough willpower in the world to keep me clean.

[anhaedra]

Yeah, this is all very familiar to me, too.

Identify your triggers. Learn from mistakes. The only real failure is giving up. You can't succeed without mistakes. You need the learning experience from mistakes to be able to progress.

Once arousal hits you, it's a slippery slope. Don't do the slightest thing that might arouse you.

Another questionable piece of advice... if you really have to, do it quick. Just jack off, without porn obviously, and cum as fast as you can. Get it over with. Plain, simple release of sexual tension. Point is, don't give yourself a treat, you know? Make it as boring as taking a leak. Everything is better than using porn or edging techniques.

[Orbiter]

Yeah, this is all very familiar to me, too.

Identify your triggers. Learn from mistakes. The only real failure is giving up. You can't succeed without mistakes. You need the learning experience from mistakes to be able to progress.

Once arousal hits you, it's a slippery slope. Don't do the slightest thing that might arouse you.

Another questionable piece of advice... if you really have to, do it quick. Just jack off, without porn obviously, and cum as fast as you can. Get it over with. Plain, simple release of sexual tension. Point is, don't give yourself a treat, you know? Make it as boring as taking a leak. Everything is better than using porn or edging techniques.

Just keep trying. I am struggling currently with the same problem.

Right now I am trying to discover all the triggers (alone time on PC or tablet, dirty thoughts,...) and try to avoid any potentially dangerous situation. Because once I am aroused, there is not enough willpower in the world to keep me clean.

All great advice, thanks to you both! I shall take it all into consideration.

DAY 0 (yet again)

Just MOed as I couldn't take it any longer. I've had several relapses over the last three or so days, at least daily. Being sick (therefore bored and alone at home) i'm sure has made this worse than usual. Some of these relapses have involved sessions lasting hours. When I am stuck in them, I feel like I cannot physically stop even though I am fully aware at the time that I do not want to. I feel like i'm losing control of myself and my life when I do it. A vicious cycle as the panic I feel from this makes me want to retreat even deeper into these sessions.

I feel over the last year my tastes are escalating far too rapidly. The way it's going is really starting to creep me out to be honest. This is not the life I envisioned for myself at age 31. Porn addiction had already taken so much from me, I can't let this continue to ruin my life. How did it get to this? How can PMO be so difficult to quit when it makes me so utterly miserable?!!

"Learn from mistakes. The only real failure is giving up."

I think one of the current problems is that I continue to, albeit for short periods of time, completely give up. It's like, i'll go really hard at staying away from porn and doing positive things in my life for 4-5 days until i'm even slightly triggered, then I give up and binge for another 3-4 days until I am back to square one or even worse than before. I need to get better at getting back on the wagon. I need a strategy to cope with this and move forward as my urge control right now is a little above zero. I also need to find ways to get straight back on the wagon after I relapse


"Once arousal hits you, it's a slippery slope. Don't do the slightest thing that might arouse you."

"Because once I am aroused, there is not enough willpower in the world to keep me clean."

I relate to both of these strongly at the moment. I need to get serious on identifying and avoiding my triggers. Some I can think off the top of my head are:

  1 - Google & Bing Image & Video Search (gets me everytime)
  2 - Browsing Imdb (searching actresses and movies)
  3 - Aimless browsing of the internet for periods 2 hours or over
  4 - Stress, especially from work
  5 - Alcohol
  6 - Fatigue (too tired to resist)
  7 - Procrastinating on tasks I do not want to do
  8 - Using laptops and tablets in the bedroom (I do this again and again and again and again etc)

I'm going to over the rest of today thing of ways I am going to reinforce the importance of avoiding exposing myself to these triggers. I will also continue to list others as they appear, as this is FAR from a definite list.

I think my problem is that I have all the determination, but I clearly do not have a proper plan in place on how I am to go about sticking to my commitment to not use. Without a plan, my addiction is only going to continue to outsmart me.

The weekend is gone and sadly, I am once again beginning a new week on empty. Time to get smarter about this!

EDIT - Added some more triggers

[KittyHawk]

Orbiter: I am so much like you...

"Some of these relapses have involved sessions lasting hours" - sadly that is me and I believe these long dopamine-soaked hours of abusing myself created very strong addiction.

I am also very tempted by google image searches, celebrities, etc.

I failed today too.... what do you say we start together? WE CAN DO IT!

I will try not to use computer besides my work, this is my biggest trigger in general. I wish I didn§t have to work on the computer and could just lock it in some chest.

[Orbiter]

Orbiter: I am so much like you...

"Some of these relapses have involved sessions lasting hours" - sadly that is me and I believe these long dopamine-soaked hours of abusing myself created very strong addiction.

I am also very tempted by google image searches, celebrities, etc.

I failed today too.... what do you say we start together? WE CAN DO IT!

I will try not to use computer besides my work, this is my biggest trigger in general. I wish I didn§t have to work on the computer and could just lock it in some chest.

Count me in KittyHawk! Let's do this!

I did some thinking about the amount of time I spend on the computer and even if I wasn't relapsing like mad, it is still way too much. Yesterday I was reading an article about the personal experiences of a person who slowly and gradually withdrew from social media and a lot of modern technology. Reading it, it somehow struck me in a way that it hasn't before, the insanity of sitting in front of a computer screen for HOURS at a time as the sun fades away yet and a whole day is lost. Or even worse, glued to the screen until the sun starts to rise, having binged the entire night and having to face a full day of work feeling and looking like garbage.

It's like a recovering alcoholic spending every evening hanging out in bars and not drinking. It's insane. There needs to be a life style shift of some kind for this to really work.

So i've decided I am going to ration myself 2 hours of computer time at home per day. This does not include using the computer at work, which I barely have time to use during a typical day as is. I'm expecting today, once my hours are finished to be restless, anxious and bored out of my mind. This won't be comfortable but it has to be done.

Also, no tablets or computers in the bedroom. This is going to be tough as I like to listen to music and podcasts with them, but having net access within arms reach at the dead of night is asking for trouble. And i'm in this mess too deep to deal with that kind of temptation right now.

Celebrity culture and film is a bad one for me. Especially so with the advent of nude leaks and the increasing amount of films with unsimulated sex. Even if the film is tame, I still find myself looking up pictures of an actress. From them it's only a matter of time before that image search turns up something triggering. So no imdb and NO IMAGE SEARCHES!!

There will be more temptations as the days pass. Usually the 4-7 day period is very difficult for me, I think I will have to be unusually careful over that period.

[KittyHawk]

Yes, I know I have also an internet addiction. But somehow compared to porn/orgasm addiction, it doesn't look so serious (but they are connected, so I should try to break free from both).

Only when I started trying to get rid of my PMO compulsion, I realized how over-sexualized almost all movies and TV shows are. Even tame funny sitcoms are just talking about sex and relationships. I used to like it, now I hate it (and secretly still like it).  I used to make fun of modesty covers over mainstream magazines in Publix but now I am actually glad for them as they prevent me from triggering.

Day 4 is also my first really tough barrier. The second comes around day 10-14 and sadly I must say never went longer without O probably since puberty so I have no idea if it get easier afterwards. I went much longer without P though.

[anhaedra]

Success to you both.

Your stories remind me of my 20s. I wonder what happened in my life that made my addiction become less severe. It was a very natural process, as I've never tried to quit porn or reboot before.

I guess I was in a rut called a relationship. When that ended, I felt liberated. I rediscovered myself. Life simply became more fun. I started doing all kinds of things I always thought about before but never did.

So perhaps it's like every successful rebooter says -- it's not about counting the days, it's about changing your life.

[Orbiter]

The second comes around day 10-14 and sadly I must say never went longer without O probably since puberty so I have no idea if it get easier afterwards. I went much longer without P though.

From previous experience I find it does. It's weird but you get used to it. I found the toughest part the first time I attempted a reboot (37 days back in April 2012) was breaking through the psychological barrier and realising that it can be done and it's not as difficult as my brain made me think it was. The other side of that is that it's easy at that point on to get cocky and complacent.

Success to you both.

Your stories remind me of my 20s. I wonder what happened in my life that made my addiction become less severe. It was a very natural process, as I've never tried to quit porn or reboot before.

I guess I was in a rut called a relationship. When that ended, I felt liberated. I rediscovered myself. Life simply became more fun. I started doing all kinds of things I always thought about before but never did.

So perhaps it's like every successful rebooter says -- it's not about counting the days, it's about changing your life.

I felt the same quitting cigarettes. I didn't make any grand declaration to quit, I just didn't feel like going to the store and getting more cigarettes one day and decided after a day i'd give quitting a go. I haven't had any such moments with PMO unfortunately. There have been a lot of big and painful life changes that have if anything made quitting PMO far more difficult to quit than it previously was. I'm not making excuses, but it hasn't been easy and most of my energy has gone into keeping the life progress i've made over the last few years from falling apart. Fighting PMO became less of a priority, but of course PMOing only makes things even more difficult. It's been a bit of a catch 22 really.

DAY 2

Had a stressful day today at work. Maybe it was because I wasn't using the computer late at night & early in the morning, or maybe I might have merely found a new-found focus on getting things together, but I feel I handled some tough situations today with more calm and focus than I do 'normally'. When I first quit PMO, I was at a point where I had no job, no references, no prospects whatsoever and had almost entirely given up.

It took a few years and a lot of hard work to bring myself back from that place I was stuck back into society again, but I did it and not only found myself a job but perhaps even a career. It's one of the few things in my life i've managed to keep together despite my increasingly severe slip back into deep porn addiction. Sometimes i'm not sure whether the pressure hurts or helps my fight with PMO, but ultimately I think i'm in a better place for it.

Sometimes I wonder if I focus on it (work) so much that my life outside of it has stagnated somewhat. I make music in a band on my weekends and spent time with some regular friends here and there but other than that, nothing new seems to happen, nothing changes. Maybe this makes things worse with PMO, maybe it's an excuse I tell myself not to do anything about my life and PMO instead. I wonder...

[Orbiter]

DAY 5

I have been meaning to make an update here but I have been too busy over the last two or so days to properly do so. I am on the fifth day now and I have managed to so far stay clean. No edging, peeking, fantasizing so far despite the growing temptation. I woke this morning with solid morning wood that wouldn't go away, I went back to sleep, woke up two hours later and it was still there. My dreams are becoming increasingly 'porn-like' as I push further ahead. My aim at the moment is to push through to day 8 and go from there.

My '2 hour' rule with the computer is going well, though it became 2.5 hours today for the sake of staying up to date on Reboot Nation. My week has been busy so my willpower hasn't been tested too heavily as of yet. The first night I was pacing up and down the house, bored out of my mind though. Bored but I curiously couldn't bring myself to actually do anything.

'No computers in the bedroom' is also going well. I should say I do have my phone in there which I use for my wake-up alarm but I barely use my phone for anything other than an alarm and a way to make calls and send messages. I don't have any social media accounts either (deleted Facebook 2013 and never looked back) which lessens the appeal of using the phone for internet considerably.

'No imdb and no image searches' also going well but once again, there has been little time for temptation.

I can feel the urges to relapse getting stronger today, I have to be very careful over the next few days. I have a busy weekend but I will do what I can to stay clean and accountable for myself.

[d2222rc]

My experiences are so similar to yours and KittyHawk's. I'm on day four myself. My first real test will be over the next few days when I'm sure I'll have a block of time to look at porn, if I want. Right now, I have no desire. Hoping, hoping, hoping, I'll still feel the same way. For me, it's been really helpful just visiting this forum every day or night.

Try not to get yourself down for relapsing. The fact that we've all taken the initiative to help each other out on this site is a huge step forward.

Good luck!

[vrblasasn]

 I think in modern society we are taught failure is the worst thing possible, but without failure we don't learn, and if we don't learn, we don't succeed. You guy's are such an inspiration by not giving up.

[Orbiter]

I think in modern society we are taught failure is the worst thing possible, but without failure we don't learn, and if we don't learn, we don't succeed. You guy's are such an inspiration by not giving up.

...which is insane if any of us really stop and think about it. Of course a desire to success in anything we choose to undertake is so important, and failure is not something that should be trivialized. However I think very few can succeed unless they fail AND take the lessons they learn from it and move forward. I think our pride and ego's can really get in the way of achieving this sometimes.

My experiences are so similar to yours and KittyHawk's. I'm on day four myself. My first real test will be over the next few days when I'm sure I'll have a block of time to look at porn, if I want. Right now, I have no desire. Hoping, hoping, hoping, I'll still feel the same way. For me, it's been really helpful just visiting this forum every day or night.

Try not to get yourself down for relapsing. The fact that we've all taken the initiative to help each other out on this site is a huge step forward.

Good luck!

A circle of support is so important to quitting anything isn't it? Porn addiction can be so frustrating in that regard because it is still not really understood or taken seriously by most. It's an addiction that thrives in isolation but of course we're all in this together. Congratulations on day 4 by the way, stay strong!



DAY 6

I'm finding this really hard today. All my plans got cancelled for today and the cravings are hitting me hard today. The urge is quite strong, I know that if I was exposed to anything even slightly triggering right now, I would probably cave. I think I will close the computer for today and head out for a drive somewhere today.

My current aim is to get through today and I am going to focus solely on getting through today, whatever it takes.

[Orbiter]

DAY 6...to 0

I'm afraid I have to swallow my pride and admit that after I posted that last message, I relapsed twice.

Instead of logging off, I started browsing through Reddit and looking through "borderline" subs until I found a short video that was particularly triggering. After that, I held out for an hour before I eventually caved in.

Looking back on it, I think my addict part of my brain might have thought it had a free pass as my plans for today fell through. I was also drinking last night and had only had a few hours sleep, so I was tired and my guard was down. I also broke my rule of no computer in the bedroom and I broke my rule of no more than 2 hours of internet.

I would be lying if I said I was not disappointed. Things were going so well. I was genuine excited and looking forward to starting a new week with some distance of PMO behind me and going to work without having to deal with horrible brain fog. Alas, I will have to wait (at least) one more week.

Oh well. Nothing to be done other than learning what I can from this mistake and moving forward. After this I am DEFINITELY staying away from computers for the rest of today. Time to dust myself off and start again.

[anhaedra]

There's a risk of saying one thing here and doing the other thing out there. I patted myself on the back a few times here, then messed up the very same day.

Not sure what it is... Perhaps it shows we can never get complacent, or let our guard down, or even "celebrate" what little progress we've made.

Last night I was tempted to smoke a cigarette. 'Cuz I was feeling better, right? Why not reward myself for it?

Try to learn from these experiences. Think them through, share them here. So they're not lost on you.

[KittyHawk]

I can relate to this as well.

Very often I relapsed right after hitting some important milestone and feeling very satisfied with myself. It was as if the brain said "ok, good job pal, and now let's get back on track with our PMO schedule, we are late..."    Well, I didn't feel satisfied afterwards... just keep trying.

[Orbiter]

Thanks for the support guys, it really helps at times like this. Looking back on it, this particular relapse could have been averted. I let my guard down at the wrong time, I still have a lot of work to do.

DAY 1

I made a special effort to get out of the house today and keep myself busy. A bit too much time on the computer but at least it was with productive things and not aimlessly browsing the internet, or Youtube, or PMO etc. Back to the 2 hour limit tomorrow.

Though this is obviously quite disappointing to me that the weekend ended up like this, I am taking some comfort in the fact that I have done much better at getting back on the wagon than I did say, a couple of weeks ago when I relapsed for days in a row after a similar stint. A big problem I feel is that I am still too reliant on the internet as a sole source of entertainment. There are many other things I can and should do with my time. I want to feel more involved in my own life, rather than sitting and blankly ignoring it in front of the computer (or PMO-ing) while it all passes by.

[anhaedra]

Lol, that was funny, KittyHawk.

Yes, we can't reward ourselves for doing good because we'll choose the bad rewards. We need to be patient and let life reward us.

This is a recurring element in everyone's journal. Short-term vs. long-term. It intrigues me. I believe living in the moment is the epitome of happiness. Yet if we truly do we'll masturbate our asses off, probably.

We must remove the artificial urges in our lives until only the natural, primordial needs remain. This also means freeing ourselves from society's demands. Then we can live in the moment.

Got that y'all? 

[a_better_tomorrow]

Orbiter:

The computer is a dangerous place for me too.  I've been thinking about it like you have.  You've laid out some pretty good rules for yourself and I especially like the one with no computer in the bedroom.

I am also installing a porn blocker today.  If my will power fails, there will be one more line of defense.  I'm fortunate enough to be flatlining and I have not been so easily tempted.  I know this wont last, and I need to be ready when those "shields" drop.

I'm also thinking about a good computer rule.  We all need to use computers, it's 2017.  I can't banish the computer.  I will force myself to state my reason to use it.  Sometimes I play strategy games and other times I'm on there looking for other jobs.  I need to answer the question: "what is the purpose of this visit?" before sitting down.  Then I am not allowed to deviate from my purpose.  If I do deviate, I will at least have a way of catching myself drifting away.

Thanks for posting your struggle.  I'm new and I'm learning a little more with each passing day.  Let's beat this!

[Orbiter]

Yes, we can't reward ourselves for doing good because we'll choose the bad rewards. We need to be patient and let life reward us.

This line really stuck with me as it presents presents a dilemma you do not often hear discussed.Does life really reward us if we're patient, or is life's reward something we have to seek out ourselves? And if we as addicts cannot be trusted with good rewards, how are we to find any reward in life or this process? Perhaps freeing ourselves from this creates an openness to the opportunities life throws at us that as addicts we're blind of? Or are we simply better able to choose them? Something to think about.

Also the short term vs long term nature of recovery. Do we have a long term vision of what comes after, or what we're supposed to be aiming toward with this process. When it is time to think about that and when is it time to knuckle down and do what it takes to get through the day.

DAY 2

I've been feeling unusually tired for some reason all day. Once I got home, I lay down and feel asleep for two hours shortly after. I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open as I post this right now. I think an early nights sleep is in order. Though I feel drained, I also feel strangely calmer than usual. I'm not entirely sure why. I don't have much to add other than i'm getting myself back on track and doing what I can to stay alert and on top of this.

I'm also thinking about a good computer rule.  We all need to use computers, it's 2017.  I can't banish the computer.  I will force myself to state my reason to use it.  Sometimes I play strategy games and other times I'm on there looking for other jobs.  I need to answer the question: "what is the purpose of this visit?" before sitting down.  Then I am not allowed to deviate from my purpose.  If I do deviate, I will at least have a way of catching myself drifting away.

Agree with all of this. And though in all honesty i'm not sure i'd personally have the self discipline to stick to something like this, I think there is certainly something in paying closer to attention to what reasons exactly we go on the computer and where and when we deviate from that point. It's not often you hear, when someone relapses, what they were doing on the computer in the first place. I will try and incorporate it into my own journaling.

[anhaedra]

I like to believe that if we act on our intuition, life will reward us. But that's damn hard. Because our intuition often isn't as strongly developed as our reason. Our reason, which is so vulnerable to outside influences. Society. And our intuition is numbed by society's artificial rewards. Porn, for instance.

It isn't natural to worry about the long term. But by making bad decisions in the short run, we've ruined our long term. So we must think long-term long enough, i.e., reboot, until we can think short-term again. How's that?